Him + Me = Three? Maybe.

I'm Cranky and Sad.

2012-02-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

I feel guilty even talking about not being all rainbows and unicorn farts during this pregnancy. My mind keeps going to this place of, "if I complain, people may think I don't appreciate this miracle I have." But, dammit, I hurt. I'm still coughing. And now I'm either getting a cold or my allergies have come early and in full force.

I had my second appointment with the chiropractor today. He gave me a good work over, adjusted my ribs again, as well as my neck and hips. Unfortunately, he said that he may not be able to give me a permanent fix until after I give birth. Are you kidding me!?

During pregnancy our bodies produce the hormone Relaxin. Its purpose is to help loosen your joints and ligaments to give birth. Makes sense. Unfortunately it isn't exclusive to your pelvis. So, while we work to put everything back, my body is fighting against it and is preferring to stay all 'loosey goosey'. Awwwweeeesome. I have one more visit tomorrow and then I'll probably see him as needed until I deliver. Just as I feel uncomfortable.

I got home, relaxed on the couch, and then I coughed - POP.

MOTHEROFALLTHATISHOLY

I cried.

I'm tired. I'm tired of coughing, and now sneezing. I'm tired of this pain. Of not being able to take a deep breath. Even my crying hurt my ribs too bad. It has subsided a bit, but damn. I'm really frustrated! How can my bones rest and get better when I'm jostling them around every 5 minutes?

I'm supposed to be starting to feel better. My nausea has all but subsided (I have my days...) and I'm getting to where I should be feeling good! I feel like I'm missing out. I cannot relax or enjoy this time because I'm mopey, sick, and in pain. Not to mention today is Valentines Day! How fun is a crying wife? Add guilt to my list of things to mope about.

I'm confident things will get better. I'm confident in my chiropractor. What I'm not confident in is the time frame with which this will all take place.

I'm a woman on the edge.

14 Weeks

2012-02-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that I've been MIA this week. My second trimester is off to a bit of a rough start. Nothing baby related, thank goodness, but I've been dealing with a misplaced rib. Yup, I managed to cough the sucker loose! It hurts like a mother and every time I breathe too deep or cough now, I get jabbed. YOWCH! I was able to get my first treatment with a new chiropractor today and I go back tomorrow. (Good Valentine's Day date, no?) Let's hope that gets me all fixed up! I'm ready to get back to just the regular ol' pregnancy ailments and officially ditch this leftover pneumonia garbage!

Even with a cranky rib, this week hasn't been all bad! We started cleaning out our extra bedrooms this weekend. Starting first with our "office" so that we can make room and clean out the nursery. Major donating, shredding, and organization is happening! It feels great to be taking a few steps toward getting things together.

The other great news, I'm finally starting to get a wee bump and I'm fairly certain at this point it isn't just bloat!! When taking my first belly photo, I really wanted to do it up right. Unfortunately, with the aforementioned rib, my chiropractor appointment today, and a long day at work - it was already dark outside. No good lighting and a tired/sore pregnant chick, means you're getting the no makeup version! Going forward, we'll see about snazzing them up a bit.

Without further ado - my first belly photo at 14 weeks.

My new favorites.

2012-02-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

This weekend I got to experience a lovely first - maternity shopping! The Mama and I first struck out at a couple consignment stores before we ended up at Motherhood Maternity. Honestly, I know it is a mall staple, but I have never even been in the store before. We had a great time! The woman who helped us was fantastic. She and my mom basically threw me in a room and oohed and ahhhed over my outfits. It was so fun and an experience I will never forget. It really is the little things.

Now, I don't need maternity clothes every day. Mostly it was my very fitted slacks for work that aren't very forgiving. Some days I'm okay and others I'm miserable. Got to love the inconsistent bloat. So, what started as a trip for bras and work pants turned into a quite the shopping trip, a few pants, a dress, bras, and a few shirts... crazy! But, I know I will put it all to great use. They're excellent staples that can be mixed and matched for other outfits.

My first new favorite thing in the universe - maternity pants! Seriously WHY do all pants not have a giant ass panel in them?! I am glad I broke down and got them even though I probably could have stretched out my regular pants a little longer. I am so much more comfortable!

My mom surprised me and purchased my second favorite thing in the universe - my new Snoogle. Oh. Em. Gee. For those that don't know, the Snoogle is a giant body pillow of awesomeness. My first night with Tony Danza, yes I name my Snoogle Tony Danza, was the greatest I have slept in weeks. Splurge and buy one - all of you.

Why Tony Danza?

Well, I am kind of a dork (hold your shocked reactions!) and really enjoy messing up song lyrics to accommodate my whims. So, when I hear songs that have commonly misunderstood/misquoted lyrics - I never sing them the right way again.

You've heard the Elton John song Tiny Dancer, right? Well, it is commonly known to be mis-quoted... instead of 'Hold me closer tiny dancer', people - including yours truly - sing 'hold me closer Tony Danza'. It's been happening for years, Elton might as well just change it officially.

Fast forward to Saturday, when I got my Snoogle home and unleashed from its packaging. I snuggled right into that glorious pillow and sang, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza...' And that was it, he was named. Now, in our bed at night is just me and my two favorite men. Jeremy and Tony Danza. So, I hope you'll excuse me while I go to bed at 5:15, Tony's missed me while I was at work.

Out of the Closet

2012-02-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

We had out 12 Week checkup and NT scan today and it went beautifully. Babe is measuring perfectly, things are looking great, and the measurements from the scan (NT) were excellent.

J and I agreed that so long as all was going well, after this appointment, we would go public. We couldn't be home for more than 20 minutes before we started talking about it.

I have debated a great deal about whether or not we would make an announcement on Facebook. While I was hesitant, Jeremy was insistent. We agreed that we're going to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum, but because he felt so strongly about out stepping out on Facebook, we decided now was the time. We did learn of another friend that has been having trouble conceiving and also had a miscarriage. It is for those friends, and those that we don't even know of, that I really want to be respectful.

We've gotten such phenomenal feedback. We are so lucky to be surrounded by so much love and support. It's starting to feel real!

Here is the photo we shared with our family and friends on Facebook:Such a cutie already!

My Streak

2012-01-31T18:54:00.001-08:00

My streak did what all good streaks do, it came to an end.

12 Weeks 1 Day

That is exactly how long I made it through this pregnancy before I threw up. Because I needed something else to do this week on top of the fevers, headaches, and the body shaking coughs.

I've talked a lot about my aversions and that the strongest of them surrounds my beloved meat. As my nausea has been lightening, I've been hoping to see an increase in the flexibility of my diet choices.

Tonight I was feeling good! I haven't had a fever today, and while exhausted, I can start to see some progress. We decided to order in and pasta was the winning choice. The thought of a meat sauce wasn't completely grossing me out, so I decided to go for it! Cannelloni it was. De-lish! I try to stay distracted if I'm eating something I'm not excited about. Keep talking with J, think of something else, just get through it.

Yeah, that worked for about 5 bites. I held that 5th bite in my mouth coaching myself through it. That worked for about 15 seconds before I had to haul ass for the bathroom. I will spare you the remaining details, but only say I had nothing left to give.

And I cried.

After I brushed my teeth and sucked it up, I conceded to Eggos and chocolate milk for dinner.

Let's hope it was a one time thing, shall we? Please? Pretty please?

Pneumonia.

2012-01-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

I am going to have this view for at least a couple more days. My fever (albeit mild) persisted today, so off to the walk-in clinic we went.

Diagnosis? Pneumonia.

I was given antibiotics and instructions to hydrate and rest. Even going to the clinic was too much action for me today. I almost fainted while I was there and had to lay down. I don't think I'll be leaving the sofa for a little while.

I would really like to catch a damn break.

Sharing is Caring.

2012-01-28T09:01:00.001-08:00

Except when we're talking colds. And especially when that 'cold' holds the threat of your husbands pneumonia.

Yes, yesterday I caught the plague. Thankfully I am fairly confident I don't have pneumonia. I've only had a slight fever (99.3 was the highest) and it responded to just one Tylenol. I have developed a bit of a phlegmy cough (glad you stopped by today?) and a headache, but overall it could be worse.

I slept for a solid 11 hours and while I still have a cough, I'm feeling okay just relaxing in bed. I'm keeping an eye on the fever, which I haven't had at all so far today!

I was hoping for a drama free week, but we'll have to cross our fingers that week 12 brings that instead. For now, I'm back to watching house/bath/kitchen crashers and dozing.

Any fun weekend plans? Can I live vicariously through you?

Sweet Relief

2012-01-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment went so well. Doc Oc is pretty confident that my bleeding was irritation caused by the ever growing and implanting placenta. I have a subchorionic hematoma and it has shrunk a good deal since our ER visit on Saturday. So things should be wrapping up and physically it appears to be doing so.

Baby is none the wiser! He/she was having quite the dance party in there while we were looking around. Playing and happy as could be. I could watch that screen all day.

I feel so much better confirming that things are all good. I got to take my first deep breath in days. There is not a physical way to be more grateful than we are right now.

With such fabulous news and a lot of face time with the babe, I couldn't be selfish! Here is a updated mugshot of our Spawn:Can you see the little hands and feet? idie

11 Weeks

2012-01-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

We didn't get to this point without a little bit of drama. But, I couldn't be happier to be here.

The beginning of my 10th week I felt great! My nausea took a couple days off and I even had more energy. It only lasted a few days, but I was grateful for the break.

Other exciting things happened this week. While I didn't make our pregnancy public knowledge, I did tell my bosses. I work with amazing women and my boss was really there for me during my miscarriage (having been through one herself). My direct manager was in town this week, so it was great to be able to see her and tell her in person. They both got teary eyed and went on and on about how happy they were for me. It was a fun moment. They've sworn themselves to secrecy until we're ready to go public.

I'm still experiencing some serious food aversions. In fact, it's made eating pretty frustrating. Being pregnant does limit your diet to begin with and then you add the things that you don't want anything to do with - most meat, especially beef (so sad!), red sauce, sweets, some breads... the list goes on. It's challenging to find something that J and I can both agree on these days. I've eaten my fair share of macaroni and cheese.

My weight is still down. 187 this morning. -3lbs since my BFP. While finding things that I enjoy is challenging, I am still making sure to eat very frequently so that I can get my calories in. This week I struggled with the water intake. Along with continuing to try, and sometimes choke down, different foods, water will be my focus this week.

We got to see baby on Saturday and he/she is looking amazing. We're so grateful that baby is not phased by the dramatic goings-on of the moment. I will never forget the sound of that strong heartbeat and the sight of our dancing baby. There were some serious water aerobics happening. This child is already better at working out than I am.

Tomorrow is my follow-up appointment with Doc Oc. I'm hoping for answers and another peek at our babe.

Here's to an uneventful 11th Week!

Our ER Visit

2012-01-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

I won't make you read the full recount of our day before I tell you that everything looks good right now. We still need answers, but baby was measuring perfectly and heartbeat was thumping away at 160bpm.

J and I decided to have a productive day. We'd loaded up the SUV to the gills with things to donate. We did a major purge and it felt GREAT. The place where we made the donation is by the biggest mall in the area, so we decided to play for the rest of the afternoon. Impromptu lunch date and then, the highlight, window shopping at Babies R Us.

We ate lunch at a local seafood restaurant. I waited entirely too long to eat and felt like garbage. I was inches from throwing up (cold and sweaty - yuck!) and even feeling lightheaded. J even went to the bar and got me a glass of orange juice to get me through to lunch. Once I got food in my system, I was back in action. Those waves of nausea are no joke.

There are so many things that we'd never priced or played with we decided it would be fun to sit in gliders and play with strollers at Babies R Us. We had just arrived and J sat down in this adorable glider. It had great style. I didn't even get to look at the price and I felt like I'd peed my pants. "I need to find the bathroom." Which was at the opposite corner of the store. I hauled ass, afraid of what I'd felt, and my fears proved true - blood. Bright red and staining my jeans. I didn't have any pads, so TP would have to do. I found J playing with a cute plush toy and told him we had to leave. "Why?? What's wrong?" I told him that I couldn't talk about it there and as soon as we hit the car, I lost it. Ugly snotty cries and full hyperventilation.

Did I really just start bleeding upon entering a Babies R Us? How does this stuff happen to me? I wish I was making it up.

It took about a half hour before my doctor called me back. He just so happened to be the doctor on call. In that time we'd driven back north toward home. He gave me what I was expected - directions to lay low. If it got 'heavy' (1-2 pads/hr) to call him or go to urgent care. He also said that unfortunately he was out of the office on Monday, but could see me first thing Tuesday.

TUESDAY!?

The rest of the way home I was transfixed on that day. How on God's green earth could I wait THREE WHOLE DAYS!? I lounged around the house, tried to stay distracted with tv and sulked. I had a couple of heavy wipes and I finally called back just before 9:00 p.m. when I saw what I thought was stringy tissue. Final straw.

Doc Oc called me back and I told him that I was no longer comfortable. I wasn't going to rest, I was anxious, and I needed answers. Do I go and see him or visit the ER? He sent me to the ER and told me to expect a bit of blood work and an ultrasound. He would prove right. He laid things out - there is a chance this could be another miscarriage. But, he was looking at my last ultrasound and things were good, very good, even promising. That I needed to remember that bleeding was common and that many many women go on to have very healthy pregnancies after what can be considered heavy, and prolonged, bleeding.

They pulled me back really quickly, we were only in the waiting room 20 minutes, we had a private room and a great nurse. She even had us laughing a bit and eased our nerves. Unfortunately they decided to place an IV to draw my blood so that it would be there should they need to give me fluids. It was a little too real of a hospital visit for my tastes.

The process took forever. It was 11:30 before she came back and was prepping for my pelvic exam. She left and said she was going to see if the doctor was ready. 45 minutes later another woman enters, but instead of a pelvic exam she had a giant ultrasound machine. Finally. She scanned over the baby a few times looking at my ovaries, kidneys and taking measurements. We saw the baby floating around, arms moving. Was that because she was poking around? Or was our baby alive? The heart wasn't as pronounced this time because it is now within a more formed body. She wasn't still long enough for me to tell if its heart was beating.

Once she slowed down to take the finer measurements, we saw it. The little heart flicker. I lost it. Trying to hold back my sobs so that my belly wouldn't bounce while she was working. Then, she set to measure it, hit a button and wub, wub, wub, wub, wub.... our babies heartbeat. The first time we'd ever heard such a gorgeous sound.

After all the official stuff was over, she took the time to show us the spine, little feet (with itty bitty, but recognizable toes!), and waving arms. Unfortunately the baby decided to curl up toward the end, so that photo we got isn't the best. I couldn't care less.

We have instructions to see Doc Oc on Tuesday for a follow up. I am happy to report that this morning things appear to be tapering off. Much lighter when I wipe and it has taken on a brown tone. I am very interested in answers, but knowing that for now my baby is safe and dancing around, makes a world of difference.

We are both so grateful we decided to go. I am hoping that whatever this is was a fluke. I cannot imagine suffering even longer without knowing. We're all better off with a little less anxiety. Now that energy can be focused on more positive thoughts and getting some rest.

Preparing

2012-01-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

I am doing my best to take advantage of my down time and relax. But, I know that there is such much that I need to start thinking about and doing.

Research Childcare
Learning about cloth diapers
Cleaning out the room that will be the nursery
Shopping for furniture for the nursery
Diaper bags/carriers/car seats/etc
Educating myself more on birth options
Once my morning sickness tapers off (yeah, the last few days have been a regression) I need to focus on a healthy diet - are there super foods I should eat?
etc.
etc.
etc.

Where do I start? Some of these things I feel like are too early to really get into. Is there a good checklist I can follow to help keep me on track? What am I not thinking of? I fear of getting deep into this pregnancy and have forgot something critical (my dream that the baby was born and I hadn't even looked into childcare, that didn't help).

I guess I feel a little lost. I was a pro with the IF piece. I've not spent a lot of time thinking about what would happen if we actually got pregnant. It was too heartbreaking. Now, I'm floundering a bit.

For those of you that have been there, where did you start? I need a place to direct my energy and take on small tasks before I get overwhelmed.

Waiting for the next appointment.

2012-01-17T17:07:00.001-08:00

I think I had a little too much quiet time around the house this weekend. I am really anxious for my next appointment. I've been feeling better the last few days, very little queasiness, and that's really only when I wait too long to eat. Am I just managing it better? Is it fading because I am now 10 weeks? Or is something wrong? Thankfully the majority of me (90%) knows that it is perfectly normal for symptoms to fade as your hormones level out. And that this could be a temporary break at this point. I still have plenty of aversions (red meat, which I usually love, makes me want to gag), but otherwise, not many symptoms to speak of.

That other 10% spent a good thirty minutes dreaming up a reason I need to go to the doctor sooner than February 3rd, just for the reassurance that everything is okay.

And then I proceed to feel like a crazy person. I swear, I'm neurotic. But, I just want to see my happy and healthy baby. I thought about an in-home doppler, but the studies (or lack there of) for the first trimester freak me out.

I just need to learn to be patient, think positive thoughts, and get the hell over it.

Was there something that helped you through these early anxious moments? Does it get better when you can feel your baby move and see your belly grow? Or do you just pick something else to fret over?

Let's hope the next 2.5 weeks go by quickly.

The Good Ol' Days

2012-01-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Currently the extra room in our house, that will be the nursery, is mostly storage. We have keepsakes from childhood, fans we only use in the summer, all kinds of miscellaneous stuff that needs to find a new home. We spent some time going through some old tubs today. Mostly things from J's childhood. It was fun to see old stories he wrote in elementary school, art projects his mom saved, and tons of old toys. His mom saved everything, I swear.

We were able to fill a whole tub with toys to donate, but came across some great stuff! He has a few books and whole set of wooden cars and street signs that match. He saved his favorite matchbox cars, but still had a couple gallon ziplock bags to donate!

What I liked best was reading some of his old stories and the little surveys from school. Stories written by, "The Famous Jeremy S" at age 8. Or this survey, one clearly filled out my a teacher or parent:

At School I like to drink.

Yeah, I think we've all had a day or two like that.

It was a fun look down memory lane. And perhaps a little glimpse at the imagination that our child might have.

Sipping cider, watching the snow fall, and spending an afternoon with my husbands youth. I must say, it is not a bad way to spend the day.

Snow Day!

2012-01-14T17:20:00.000-08:00

Today we got our first snow of 2012! I love the snow. We are laying low this weekend, so it's been nice to snuggle up with a book and watch the snow come down.J is still laid up. I took him to the doctor yesterday and confirmed my suspicion, he has pneumonia. He didn't feel comfortable driving himself because he was winded, short of breath, and the minute his meds started to wear off, his fever would spike again. It's been hard to see him so weak.

They did a chest x-ray, checked his o2 levels, and sure enough, pneumonia. He was given a whole host of meds (cough medicine w/ codeine, plans to alternate tylenol and ibuprofen, antibiotics, and an inhaler) and strict instructions to lay low, get a ton of rest, drink fluids until he floats away, and absolutely under no uncertain terms is he to share his germs with his pregnant wife.

He still has a fever today, but nowhere near as high. He's also a bit more human which is a step in the right direction. He chose to sleep on the couch downstairs last night and what did I do? Slept 13 hours. Man did I need that! While he is laid up all day today watching the snow from inside, I spent a bit of time romping in the snow with the dogs. Aren't they adorable?Also, this much down time has made me horribly tired of television.

Sick Husband

2012-01-12T14:53:00.001-08:00

Almost any married woman you talk to would agree on one point... the strongest of strong men are reduced to helpless babies when they're sick.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing. I've gone on and on before about how caring and hardworking he is. I mean, the man does our laundry. (It's ok to take a moment and hate me, I don't blame you.) He is a good egg, I scored big time.

But you give that man an illness and he needs in home care. And I don't think he's unique in this way! Men do not have that lower gear of function, they just hit the damn floor.

My poor husband has been pretty sick. A fever/chills off and on, waking up chilled and sweaty... not good stuff. I have been pretty needy myself recently so Ive been doing my wifely duties and caring for him. As best I can anyway, when at the end of the day I just want to rest myself.

He stayed home today and I hope he's healing up because this wife needs a good solid night sleep. One that isn't interrupted 2-3 times by the sweaty bag of pestilence sleeping in my bed. That, and it's hard to see your big tough guy suffer.

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Let's talk about drugs

2012-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

And my current inability to get to the good stuff. (Don't confuse the 'good stuff' with the 'hard stuff'.)

The last couple of weeks, my left ear has been bugging me. When I talk it will pop and I would echo in my own ear. It was annoying, but it was a couple times a day, so I left it be. The last week it has been happening more frequently and for the last couple of days I've been getting pressure now too, even when it's not popping. Mostly annoying, but I'd like it to stop before it gets worse.

I decided it was due time to drop by the walk-in clinic. An hour and a half wait later, oh joy, and the doctor said I had no ear infection, but just pressure on my eustachian tube (runs along my sinus in my inner ear). Probably a swelling in my sinus causing the pressure. Blah, blah, blah - What do I DO about it!?

She finds one nasal spray that is safe for me to take when pregnant and calls it in. She told me that she noted 'No Substitutions', so if they ask - that's a no-no. Gotcha doc, that's kick this thing.

We grab dinner to allow time for filling the prescription and our friendly neighborhood pharmacist says it still isn't done. Why? Because my insurance doesn't cover this one, so he was calling to see about a substitution. Nope, sorry homes, not gonna happen. Tell me the sticker price and let's be on our merry way.

$125

labcoatsayswhat!?!?

Holy Llamaballs.

I about had a heart attack right there next to the cough drops and the reading glasses. No, we didn't buy it. Instead I am now home researching alternative remedies for my suffering. Mr. Pharmacist is going to hang on to that puppy for a few days if I can't work it out on my own. Kind of him.

Firstly, it isn't even the good stuff.

Secondly, what in a tiny tube of nasal spray could cost $125? Am I snorting gold flecks? Did it come from Columbia? (sorry, bad joke)

Lastly, I didn't even want to do it in the first place. I loathe nasal spray.

Here's to hoping I can find a creative way to relieve the pressure. Otherwise this mama is going to suffer, either from an annoying ear or a serious dent in her wallet.

9 Weeks

2012-01-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

My last week in the single digits has begun! I don't have a whole lot new to update about my 8th week. I've been struggling with "morning" sickness on a daily basis. I have quite a number of food aversions at this point. Protein is tough to even think about eating. The only exception? I've had two chicken nuggets kids meals in the last week. I'm not proud of it, and I'm not typically one for fast food, but it served its purpose.

I tried to have eggs this morning and that did not go well. I gagged as I finished the last small bite. Even as I type this my gag reflex is on alert. I still have not thrown up (knock on wood) and I'm grateful for that. It's very hard to find things that sound appetizing. Anything too sweet sounds awful. I'm getting by on soup and crackers, had a bit of mac 'n cheese, and popsicles. I'm ready to get my former taste buds back and J is too.

I'm starting to feel bloated and thicker around the middle. However, I'm actually down about two pounds (188.2). I've been doing really well with drinking water (about 8-10 8oz glasses a day) and I'm happy about that.

We did make our first real baby purchase today - a pack and play! We got a great deal and decided to snag it up. Paid $40 instead of the typical $80!
I'm still not comfortable doing big shopping, but it was fun to pick up a piece for a good deal. I'm really looking forward to getting started putting things together.

Here's to week #9!

Just for fun!

2012-01-06T16:17:00.000-08:00

My girl Rebecca, over at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, inspired me to play with old wives tales, just for the fun of it!

Here's what we've got:

Heartbeat under 140 = boy!

Chinese gender chart = boy!

No ice cream cravings = boy!

Craving salt = boy!

Mayan gender chart = girl!

Fewer break outs on my face = boy!

What do you think? Is it a boy? The vote is pretty overwhelming! Are there any others I should try? I have a couple of girlfriends that will be disappointed if their votes are wrong!

I have quite awhile to go yet before we find out for sure, but I couldn't resist.

TGIF!

Healthy & Growing!

2012-01-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment went very well. I just love Doc Oc. Jeremy does to, you know why? Because that man loves to give me a hard time. When talking about my diet I mentioned being nervous about weight gain because of the struggles I've always had with food and weight gain. His response was that for now, I need to eat whatever I can keep down and whatever makes me feel best. "Carbs are your friend." But that in a couple of months he's going to 'slap me around a little bit' and I'll have to 'get with the program'. J just chuckles in the corner. Anytime someone else gives me crap, they're instantly his favorite.

I asked a good portion of my questions (I got distracted and forgot to ask the last couple), we talked through episiotomies, csections - the when and the why - and was happy to report that we were on the same page. That page being, episiotomies are for emergencies only and that there are acceptable and necessary times for a c-section (previa, breach, etc), but he tends to push for vaginal until absolutely necessary and that 'baby is boss'. Also, that any and all decisions in the delivery room were collaborative and we'd make them all together. I like that he respects my desire to have the information and participate. That's huge in our book.

I feel very comfortable with our care. I know that there is a chance he won't be our delivering doctor (it was a scenario/question I didn't get to), but knowing the general vibe of his practice made us both feel very at ease.

The wee-one is about 2/3" long and measuring right at 8 weeks. Since we've been 2 days 'behind' at each visit, my EDD has been adjusted to 8/16 (like that means something!). My next appointment is not for 4 more weeks - just like a normal fertile myrtle!

8 Weeks

2012-01-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

I'm a day late, but who's counting?

Spawn is only about the size of a kidney bean this week, measuring at about just over a 1/2 inch (we'll know exactly at our appointment tomorrow!). It's hard to believe such a little bean could be making such a presence!

I'm happy to report that I have not gained any weight (190) just yet. I know it is inevitable and I've come to terms with this (kind of) fact. I've always struggled with my weight, so I'm definitely adjusting to nutrition as a pregnant woman. I'm eating as best I can, trying to make healthy choices, and in the end I hope to keep my weight gain at (or slightly below) 20lbs. They say an overweight person (which is me... awesome.) should gain between 15-25. So, splitting the difference, 20 is my goal. I'm confident that with a balanced diet and good, albiet moderate, exercise I can achieve my goal. It won't be easy! But it never is.

I continue to be nauseous, really suffering when I let my blood sugar get too low. It's like I can feel it drain from my body. It's been especially bad since Sunday. I feel best with a steady intake of food, popsicles are preferred the last couple days, and when I'm comfortably snuggled in my favorite sweatpants and under my fuzzy blanket. I've also been burping like a trucker. Especially when I'm feeling particularly queasy. On the plus side, my boobs are doing a bit better, still tender if I mess with them (funny how we do that, isn't it?!), but I can take the stairs without wanting to commit a double homicide on the next group of people I pass.

Lastly, I made my first maternity purchase today. Yes, at 8 weeks. After spending an entire day at work with my pants unbuttoned, I decided that a BeBand (Target's Bella Band) was more than necessary. It works! It's not as snug as I know it will be, but it will suit my purposes nicely. While I have not intention of doing any additional maternity shopping just yet, I have to admit, it was fun.

We are so excited for our appointment tomorrow and another opportunity to see our wee one and its strong heartbeat. 8 weeks down and another 32 to go!

Nausea

2012-01-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have my good days and my bad. I think I've done pretty well ensuring that I eat small meals throughout the day, get plenty of water, and sticking to mostly bland food. I know that it has helped me manage my 'morning' sickness pretty well.

Yesterday was the worst of it, by far. We were packing up and headed home from our weekend in the mountains. My stomach was unsettled and I just got exhausted. I had to lay down on the bed while J finished up. I slept for about half the car ride and slept for over an hour when I got home. Clearly I needed the rest. Unfortunately all that sleep didn't help my nausea, because I could only force down about 4 bites of my spaghetti dinner.

I don't want to be one of those pompous infertiles that forgets where she came from goes straight to complaining about now being pregnant. I hope that my readers understand and it isn't necessary to preface every single statement with 'I am so grateful and wouldn't trade this morning sickness for the world'. Because we are thrilled to be where we are. I pray every day for you to join us and that each of you has the chance to battle morning sickness as well. (isn't it funny how we all wish to be sick and miserable? damn infertility twists us all.) I suppose this is also my way of saying that I understand if this isn't something you want to read about. This blog has always been an outlet for me and I hope that it continues to evolve as our lives do.

You're going to be seeing a lot more about my journey through what will be a happy and healthy pregnancy (staying positive!). There will be ultrasound photos and belly photos (soon!), ideas for the nursery, and other generally pregnancy related things. I hope that you'll hang around with me for the ride.

Meanwhile, I'm going to snuggle up on the sofa before I attack my house. Oh why must today be the last day of vacation!?

128

2011-12-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

That is exactly how many beats per minute (BPM) our baby's heartbeat was today.

128 BPM

A little gummy bear with a valve flashing with each beat. It was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Screw the 7 wonders, someone just got bumped.

It took a bit for it to sink in, but we both got choked up.

This day has been a long time coming and we are grateful for every single moment. We are so in love. I'm sorry that I don't have more to share, but I didn't want to leave you waiting.

I will leave you with this, a portrait of our little Spawn...

he/she kind of looks like a snowman, no?

Vacation

2011-12-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

Just in case I neglected to mention this, J and I have the whole week off this week! I think this was the cause of my earlier anxiety - too much time on my hands!

We got a fabulous phone call yesterday - they are coming to deliver our new bedroom set today! This was our Christmas present to one another. We bought it through Costco (don't you just love the quality of their furniture??) and they said it would take 4-6 weeks for delivery. They called us ONE WEEK later! It was an amazing surprise.

Thankfully that has left me with plenty to do. Moving out the old dresser and night stands, moving the bed (all J's job of course!) to vacuum, dust, and wash the walls. Our room has not been this clean since we moved in. It is fabulous!

I even went through my closet (which I try and do every couple months) and gathered a whole bag of things to donate. Once the new furniture is in place, I plan to do the same thing as I work to fill all of the new drawers.

I have even decided that while I wait for them to come (should only be another couple hours!) I am going to go through the bookshelf and dvd cases. Finally some time set aside to PURGE! It feels great.

It's good that I have the time to do this today, because when we hear a happy and healthy heartbeat tomorrow (love the return of my optimism!), the last thing I'm going to want to do is clean and organize.

The perfect combination of relaxing vacation and getting some things accomplished. Because tonight, once the room is all put together, you bet your sweet tush that I will be taking a nap on my new bed. WOOT!

InJewels Giveaway Winner!

2011-12-27T22:59:00.001-08:00

I am happy to announce that Our Life in Cycles is the winner (and new follower! welcome!) of my first ever giveaway! Please contact me at himplusme at gmail dot com and we can arrange for your bracelet to be sent!

(Not horribly scientific as the response was so small - I had J pick a number between 1 and 4! lol)

I appreciate those who chose to participate in the giveaway. I have to say I am a bit bummed at the response, but am happy to have learned quite a few things for next time.

Please do not forget to take advantage of the 10% discount available (MrsS10) at InJewels!

Anxiety

2011-12-26T12:10:00.000-08:00

Does the nagging worry in the back of your mind ever stop? It isn't the crippling fear I had with my last short pregnancy, but just a hovering thought in the back of my mind.

It isn't helped by the fact I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing even close to red, but only the brownish spotting when I wiped. Nothing that ever even reached the liner. It's gone now, only sporadic over the last couple of days. While I know I cannot change anything if it is to happen, and that the kind of spotting I had can be perfectly normal (and quite common for that matter), I am still very anxious for our ultrasound this Thursday. I strongly wish that I could go in earlier. Only, I know that the early I go in the less likely I am to see anything...

I am trying to cut myself some slack, calling it nerves, and doing my best to relax. But instead, in these quite moments of vacation, my mind wanders to thoughts of - am I sick enough? I was sicker last week, is it going away? Should I be bloated and feeling different?

Boy am I ready to see that little black and white bean again. This mama could use a little reassurance.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season. We hope that, like us, you are taking the time to spend this holiday with those you love and hold dear.

This Christmas I want to thank each and every one of you. For your love, support, encouragement, and good humor. You've done a lot for me this year and I am so appreciative for your friendship.

I hope that Santa was good to you this year!

Merry Christmas!

PS - Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

My First Giveaway

2011-12-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

That's right folks, I'm doing my very first giveaway!

I am happy to bring to you a gorgeous fertility bracelet from InJewels. InJewels makes a variety of bracelets and necklaces. While they have a whole line of fertility related jewelry, they also carry healing, pregnancy, and breast cancer inspired pieces.

Each piece is hand made and customizable. The gemstones included in these pieces are said to be powerful healing stones, provide balance, and relieve different ailments. Why not treat yourself for the holidays? Or purchase a thoughtful gift for a woman you know that could use a pick-me-up?

Helen from InJewels was kind enough to send me the Misty Believe Fertility Bracelet. I am happy to report that the bracelet is beautiful and very well made. I especially love the floral accents - very feminine! And, while I know this has nothing to do with the actual quality of the product, I received my bracelet FAST. As many of you know, I'm not much with patience, so it was a pleasant surprise!

InJewels is offering my readers any Fertility Bracelet of their choice! There are a number of different styles to choose from. Don't forget to read about the different stones and find what appeals to you.

I've participated in giveaways in the past and want to make this as easy as possible! Just make sure that you leave a comment for each entry.

Here's how you enter:
1. Follow @himplusme on Twitter (be sure to leave your Twitter handle so that we can double check!)
2. Follow @InJewelsDesign on Twitter

Optional 3. Like InJewels Design on Facebook

Just make sure you also mention which bracelet you would choose if you win!

The folks at InJewels are so kind, that they wanted to be sure everyone got a little somethin-somethin this holiday season. Use the discount code MrsS10 and you will receive 10% off your purchase! BTW - this is good for ALL of 2012!! How generous is that?

The giveaway will expire on Monday 12/26 at 11:59 p.m. PST.

Focus

2011-12-21T05:54:00.001-08:00

I have zero focus to speak of. It is all I can do to stay on task at work and get through my lengthy to do list. My drive is just slipping away.

It certainly doesn't help that we have the week between Christmas and New Years off of work. So I have being pregnant and an impending vacation to distract me from doing anything at all.

The thing is, I have SO much to do! New things keep getting added to my plate and there is just enough of my 'old' self still around to say, "Sure, I'm happy to take care of it."

I have a feeling it is going to be a constant epic battle between my over-achiever self and this new - I have better things to do like grow a human - self.

Who will win? Probably not my sanity.

Ask an You Shall Receive

2011-12-20T05:11:00.001-08:00

Here's how yesterday went down...

Doc Oc (he really looks like the Spidey villain): How are you feeling?

Me: Pretty good actually, besides a bad cold Im getting over.

Doc Oc: That's good

Me: Part of me feels like I should be sicker. When does that start?

Doc Oc: Actually, right at about 6 weeks your hormones will start going crazy and you may see moodiness, breast soreness exceeding pms, and break outs (check x3!). Between 6 and 7 weeks you'll be getting a surge of progesterone and that's when the fun will start. Let me know if it gets too bad.

Me: Roger that good sir.

We talk next appointment and shortly we are on our merry way. On the way home we decide to stop at Target. I'd been given a granola bar after she took 96 gallons of my blood, so I thought I'd be fine.

No.

About 5 minutes in to our shopping excursion I could physically feel my blood sugar drop. Instantly I felt like crap. Almost sweaty, hungry, and a very mild panicky feeling. Really wee babe? Less than 2 hours after I ask? I see you have your mothers sense of humor.

I ate at home and felt some relief, but really haven't been the same since. This morning was especially rough, and I could barely get through a piece of toast.

As sadistic as it sounds, I'm relieved. You always hear, 'the sicker the better', so in the back if my mind I could shake the thought that something was wrong because I felt okay. While I probably wont skip through the park, I'm grateful.

Tonight I am shopping for good healthy snacks so that I will always have something on hand. Let the games begin!

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Our First Ultrasound

2011-12-19T15:11:00.000-08:00

While the first ultrasound would not still be for a couple of weeks, my doc is 'untrasound happy' and likes to get one early as a viability scan. You won't get a complaint out of me! Overall the appointment went really well! He agrees with my tracking the pregnancy via ovulation date, and not LMP (Last Monthly Period) since we were tracking so carefully.

I am officially 6 weeks pregnant today.

Blogosphere, meet Sprout 2.0, or as Jeremy calls him - Spawn. OR, as I randomly started calling him/her today - Little Pea. (Jeremy calls me Sweet Pea, this is probably where I got it.)

This isn't the greatest of the photos he took, but you can faintly see the outline of the sac that is our wee one! We are measuring at 5weeks 5days, which is pretty great considering how easy it is to be off by just a small amount. We spent a minute trying to tell if Little Pea's heart was beating, or if it was just moving fluid. Because we couldn't tell, we called it 'too early' and decided we'll look again next week. We knew it would be early, but we had to try! Our next appointment is on Thursday, 12/29. We will be 7weeks 3days and should be able to see the heartbeat. Our first real OB appointment is on 1/4.

Our doctor was on call, so we spent some quality time with his nurse. She did a great job answering our questions and sent us packing with a ton of stuff to read and consider. But, not before they took 37 gallons of my blood (give or take).

Of course we were hoping and praying to see a heartbeat today, but we still feel so much more positive about this pregnancy. It was a little alarming at first to see something that so resembled our beloved Sprout this summer. But, we are supposed to be measuring at this size right now - whereas Sprout should have been a couple weeks more mature. It was a little tug that reminded me to send our first little love a prayer.

We're off to a great start! Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it!

Tomorrow is our first appointment!

2011-12-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

We are both nervous and very excited for our appointment tomorrow. It is our 'new patient' (even though we're not new) visit and our viability scan. We know it is early, but we're crossing our fingers for a heartbeat. That would make my whole world.

I'm definitely feeling anxious, considering this appointment was the beginning or the end with Sprout. On one hand I am feeling more confident this time considering we've not had any spotting or distress. On the other I spend too much time over analyzing everything and psyching myself out - why do I feel less bloated? My boobs hurt, but do they hurt bad enough? Shouldn't I be sicker by now? I've only had a couple nauseous moments... Oh the things your idle brain will do when left unchecked!

This time we're going in cold. No betas, no spotting - nothing to swing us one way or the other. We just have to be patient (GASP) and see what tomorrow holds.

Needless to say I'm saying my prayers, making my wishes, and crossing my fingers. If you have a moment, would you mind doing the same? We will take all of the cosmic pull we can get.

A full report tomorrow!

Pregnant Breakdown #1

2011-12-15T18:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a royally shitty day. Period.

I woke up feeling a bit of a scratchy throat, but nothing dramatic. By the end of my commute I was congested. As I unlocked my office... yeah, I was in full sneeze-mode. I had to attend a breakfast event, throughout which I cleaned out my purse supply of tissues. About 10:00 a.m. I was starting to feel warm. So, I decided that I one last errand - walking to Safeway to pick up gift cards for our Adopt-a-Family program. It's about a 1/2 mile away, but even in my condition I decided to make the trek, in heels. Because, once that task was complete, I was getting the hell out of dodge.

As soon as I leave the office, it starts to rain. Greeeaaat.

I arrive at my destination, swipe my card (grateful that at least I will get miles out of the deal), and declined.

We try again, declined.

I quickly step to the side and call the dreaded financial-institution-that-shall-not-be-named (coughBofAcough), and what does there helpful service staff say when they answer the phone? "I'm sorry, but our systems are down. Can you please call us later today?"

NO!

I feel like shit, I haven't gotten my lunch, I walked a half mile in the pouring rain.. NO.

She connects me with someone who was not useless to me and tells me that as a security measure they declined my card. Okay, well I can understand why it isn't normal for someone to try and charge $4500 at Safeway. Kudos, banking institution, nice catch. But, it's me, so let me do my thang.

The long and the short - they couldn't fix it. And an hour of discussion, frustrating on my behalf, and obviously satisfying on their behalf - being as they got to say their favorite phrase, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do." Is there a supervisor? No, but you can get a call back within 24 hours.

They had no patience or understanding for my plight.

I got to march my, now very unhappy ass, to an actual branch. Where they could actually help me. And then march my ass back to handle my business, before I hauled myself back to my office - two whole hours later. But, not before I called J to vent, while I cried and snot ran down my face. I was walking the street in the rain while I hiccup-cried and my feet throbbed like I'd been dancing all night. Except, this time I wasn't too drunk to care.

I did promptly add another question to my list - is there a good reference for what I can and cannot take during pregnancy? Because right now I would like to OD on a nighttime something or other and not wake up until midday tomorrow.

Upcoming Appointment

2011-12-14T18:50:00.001-08:00

We are really starting to look forward to our first appointment on Monday. I am preparing my list of questions and J has even come up with some. I know that it is a bit early to expect a heartbeat, but secretly I am hoping we do. We could really use the pick-me-up this go round.

I have a question for you seasoned pros - what questions should I be sure and ask Dr. Oc.? I feel like there is so much more I should be asking and I can't think of anything else!

Also, I am having entirely too much fun gathering ideas on Pinterest. If you happen to be obsessed like me, come by and pay me a visit! I'd love to follow some more awesome peeps.

Sweet Friends

2011-12-13T05:47:00.000-08:00

Our friends were nothing but 110% supportive. I knew they would be, they're good people. I'm certain they're still hurting, I know I would be, but they did nothing to show that to us. J was given a beer and a heart congrats and then we did our best to move to other subjects and talk about how they were doing. All in all, it went well and I am so grateful for our tremendous friends. Meanwhile, I will continue to be cautious and work not to 'rub it in'.

Side note - did any of you experience pressure in early pregnancy? I would not call it cramping as it isn't painful, but pressure is the best I can describe it. It isn't constant, but pretty frequent. Gas? I've certainly got enough bloat today for that to be the case.

Bitter Sweet

2011-12-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight we are having dinner with some friends. It was a couple we were so excited to share our news with because, until about 2 weeks ago, they were 9 weeks pregnant. Last week (just before we got our BFP), she suffered her 3rd miscarriage. This time, which was their longest pregnancy to date, after they heard the heartbeat.

This is one of J's oldest friends and we've come a long way with them. They haven't been trying long (about 7-8 months) in the grand scheme of things, but they've suffered more in that short period than anyone should. When we started this journey 3 long years ago, they were not yet married. They didn't really understand our plight because they were at a different place in their life. They were empathetic, but often offered the kind of unsolicited 'advice' that you would often receive from someone naive.

I am heartbroken that they now understand. I hate that we've added another friend to our 'club'. And mostly, I have no idea how we will break the news to our dear friends who now have to start over again. My heart breaks for them.

They knew we ovulated this month too. How? Because they were over for dinner a few weeks back when we got the positive OPK and J fricken told them. Great dinner conversation, no? They were still pregnant and thrilled with the idea of doing this together. I really want to be sensitive of their feelings, especially since it wasn't that long ago that we were in their shoes.

The universe is a cruel beast sometimes, isn't it?

If you have a moment, please say a prayer or send a positive thought to our friends E&S. We love them dearly and hope things work out for them. These situations are so tough and, although grateful for our blessing, I feel like a fish out of water being on the other side.

Hope

2011-12-10T06:45:00.000-08:00

Whatever you do, hold on to HOPE.
The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.

Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story,
that change will bring you to peaceful shores.

~Author Unknown

Keeping The Secret

2011-12-09T17:00:00.001-08:00

I am such a horrible liar! Especially when I want to be able to tell our phenomenal news.

We are really struggling with how to be around our friends, especially at holiday parties, and not telling them the one thing that's top on our list. Especially awkward when they offer you a cocktail and you have to stammer for an excuse as to why you don't want one. And you know what? To make it worse, my friends are pushers! "Oh, come on!" "What?! Shut up. Here, I got your favorite wine!" "Hahahaha, yeah right!"

Buncha punks.

We're just not ready to say anything yet and risk having to take the news back again. One particular group of our friends was so supportive, but they are at different stages in their lives. They really just cannot relate and I don't want to put that on them again. The girls at work all have baby fricken fever and I swear to God they are going to smell the pregnant on me. We're supposed to get together and bake next Saturday and every email says something like, "Oooh, fun! Cookies and WINE!" Doublefrick! Jeremy says to tell them I'm hungover.

I'm really starting to sound like a lush, aren't I? I'm really not! It's this time of year.

How do you lie without feeling or sounding like an idiot?

Any tips for avoidance?

Should I just cancel my appearances all together and not come out of my cave until sometime next month?

Pregnancy as I know it.

2011-12-08T05:43:00.001-08:00

I don't really feel too different thus far. Yesterdays lunch of a green salad and chicken was harder to get through than it should have been, but I'm not overly queasy. I've felt full and bloated in my lower belly, and maybe what I would call pressure, but no cramping. Mostly I feel the same.

There are two things I do seem to gave an excess of - urine and yawning.

One night this week we laid down on the couch for about an hour. I made sure to pee before we laid down, but in that hour I peed an additional two times! And I really had to go not just the felt-like-I-had-to, but the move-or-I'll-pee-my-pants kind. Jeremy found it hilarious and by the last time he was teasing me and asking if he should just move the tv so that I could stay in there. I should have taken him up on it.

I've also been pretty tired. A noticeable lack of energy during the day and by 7:30-8:00 I am ready for bed. Yesterday I was in the copy room and a coworker asked if I was okay. I turned around and said, "yes! Of course. What's up?" And she pointed out that in the probably two minutes we were in there together, I'd yawned at least three times! We laughed and I joked about needing a nap. It was only noon!

Besides my over abundance of urine and my inability to keep my eyes open, I feel pretty good! I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience these things and look forward to what is to come. As my BFF Susan says, "I would say it sucks, but you're pregnant, so it is awesome!" So true.

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Sprout 1.0

2011-12-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

Over the last few years you all have been privy to some of my brightest highs and unfortunate lows. I've always struggled a bit, and I think this could probably be true for most infertiles, with the 'why me?!' and also had my doubts that we would ever get pregnant.

While Sprout 1.0 was only with us a few short weeks, he/she/they gave me an outlet. It brought all of my emotions to the surface. The pain I felt when we lost Sprout 1.0 was intense, and deep, and probably the most sad and depressed I've ever been. I was angry, questioned our desire to keep trying, distraught, fearful of going through this again, ashamed... all very raw emotions. But, I felt them. I gave myself the luxury of bringing those things to the surface and facing them. Head on. I really grieved. Sprout 1.0 helped me clean out my proverbial closet and most importantly, gave me hope. After 3 years of nothing, to know that you can in fact get pregnant, it's a game changer folks.

This is why I feel that I am so calm with Sprout 2.0. I left all of my old baggage, fear, and sadness back in August. I purged and was left with only my hope and faith. No longer did I have to waver, because I knew that this would be in the cards for us some day.

I am not saying that if I could go back I wouldn't change it if I could. Losing Sprout was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. What I am getting at is, even with Sprout 2.0, I will never forget my first. The love I feel for Sprout, the lessons I was taught, the love I felt from family and friends during some of my darkest days. I am so grateful for those days I had Sprout in my life. Sprout will always be with me. Coaching Sprout 2.0 along, helping he/she to avoid the path of their older sibling.

I know that there are no guarantees in this life. Especially not this early in a pregnancy. I've seen things go the other way entirely too many times not to know better. But I feel a lot better prepared to face this journey knowing that I have a clean slate, an amazing support group, and an angel on my side.

Pregnant and in School

2011-12-06T05:06:00.000-08:00

I had my appointment with the academic adviser yesterday. Overall, it didn't go very well and I'm feeling a bit demotivated.

Firstly, he was late for our appointment. Second, I guess I hadn't thought through the fact that this person advising me, could actually be quite a bit younger than I am. I felt kind of like an idiot. Which, I know I shouldn't, but his general demeanor didn't help. He wasn't overly rude or anything, just not very helpful. I wanted advice, options, suggestions, etc. Everything he gave me I could have found online. I felt a bit rushed out of there.

I left with more questions than when I started.

I have until the 1st of February to apply for Spring quarter (April - June). What would I do about summer quarter? Give birth before finals?? Oy vey... How about when fall quarter starts in September and I have a one month old and I am facing going back to work? I'm basically in the middle of my sophomore year and don't know yet if the exams I've taken for work will count towards credit.

Needless to say, I'm a bit overwhelmed and not certain now what I want to do. I know it's going to be hard, but will I be adding too much to my plate and get overwhelmed again? I don't have time for the crap I need to do now. You know, the stuff I'm neglecting right now while I blog...

I'm scared if I don't do it now, I never will. Am I crazy to take this on?

P.S. To answer your question Josey, I am 15 dpo today.

You're going to want to see this.

2011-12-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, you're seeing that right.

Two little lines!

It's early on yet, but we are thrilled to be starting this journey again.

While we may have a long way to go, I'm feeling an odd calm (compared to my normal high-strung, type-A, self) and while cautious, I am certainly optimistic.

We're not getting our beta's done this time, but we have a viability scan scheduled in a few weeks.

For now? For now, I am snuggling a little closer to my husband, enjoying these moments, and enjoying our little secret. I've confided in only a couple of our closest friends, as we can appreciate the need for a support group. Our families and other friends (besides you all of course!) are going to have to wait a bit. Not too terribly long, but long enough until we're comfortable. Since you all have been in the loop from the beginning, it was only fair to keep you in the loop going forward.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it.

Now we just have to figure out what to call this little poppy-seed. Sprout 2.0?

To wait, or not to wait, that is the question.

2011-12-01T16:09:00.000-08:00

We've discussed, ad nauseum, about my lack of patience. I'm here to tell you - nothing has changed! HA!

I am approaching the end of my 2WW. And now the question must be asked - do I play it safe and wait the full two weeks, or do I cheat and test early?

It is as the old adage asks - "To pee, or not to pee, that is the question!"

What would you do?

Pee?
or
Wait and Pee?

Convince me.

2WW

2011-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am one week into our two week wait. This is our first real 2WW in ages. We took all that time off early in the year and then got pregnant before we picked up with treatments. This is the first time I know that I ovulated and when in over a year.

The feeling of anticipation doesn't change, but man have we gotten our hopes up. J says he feels really good about this cycle, and if I'm honest, I do too. But, we've been there before, have we not? You'd think we'd learn our lesson. What can I say, we're suckers.

I enjoy feeling that we gave it all we've got. That things were timed well and we were on top of it. (cough:thatswhatshesaid:cough) In all seriousness though, now everything is just up to fate. We took care of our end of the bargain (again and again just for insurance!) and now we just have to wait.

This time next week I should have my period, or a positive pregnancy test. It feels a little like anticipating the first day of school - oh wait, I'm doing that too!

Am I crazy?

Don't answer that.

Turkey Hangover

2011-11-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever eaten so frequently that you feel hungover? For the past three days, I have.

Too much good food!

I am now, officially, sick of eating. I wish there was a pill that contained all of the nutrients I need. This way I could avoid having to chew anything. Ever. Again.

Frankly, eating all of the delicious food has left me in a coma.

So while all of you continue to lead your productive lives, I am going to curl back up on the sofa with my big cozy blanket and continue our Harry Potter marathon.

P.S. For those of you who are HP nerds, like us, the Blu-Ray box set is 50% off at Amazon.com.
Harry Potter Box Set - Now go have yourself another piece of pie and enjoy!

Another Appointment Made...

2011-11-25T12:33:00.000-08:00

And this one is not with a doctor that would probably recognize my vagina before my face.

Nope!

On Monday, December 5th, I am meeting with a college adviser! I need to round up my transcripts and bring them along and we'll talk through a game plan.

Holy crap.

OMG.

Whoa.

That basically wraps up what I am feeling right about now. I had a minor panic attack today when faced with housework and thought - ZOMG, this crap doesn't get done when I am home and now I want to add school!? Jeremy assured me that school was much more important than dusting the molding and vacuuming the stairs. I assured him that the second I get into school - I am scheduling a housekeeper. End of story!

The only way I can focus on something like this is to know I have one or two other things off of my plate. And why shouldn't scrubbing the shitter be one of them? The next item I am going to work on is getting some meals in the freezer and increasing the list of things J can cook.

Also, between now and starting school I need to refocus on 'right sizing' my life. Shedding extra crap, purging what we don't need, etc. As my acupuncturist explained once, how can we left something big into our lives if we don't have room for what we have. This applies physically and mentally of course.

Me, back in school. Like WHOA.

Turkeys in the Oven

2011-11-24T15:33:00.001-08:00

This year we're making the rounds instead of hosting Thanksgiving. Even without hosting I've found a way to be responsible for the bird, which is currently in my MIL's oven. What can I say? J loves my cooking. (As you know, modesty is one of my finer qualities.)

Even in a roller coaster year, we have so much to be thankful for. Our family, first and foremost. As crazy and dysfunctional as they may be. They're my crazies.

Our friends. Near and far they're one of a kind. I'm so comforted by the love and support we've received over the years.

Our Sprout(s). Even if we couldn't keep Sprout for long, I am forever thankful for the impact he/she had on our lives. My hope, which has been a continually dimming light over the past three years, was restored with Sprout. I know now that we can get pregnant. That it is and will be in the cards for us. I learned to love at a new level during those short and stress filled weeks. Something I will never forget is the love we and our wee-one were shown. The joy, excitement, and elation were something that will never leave me.

Lastly, but never least, is Jeremy. That man is my rock. My partner in crime throughout or adventures. He knows ne better than I do sometimes. He isn't perfect, but his desire to try, learn, and do better next time, continually reinforces why I chose him. He is the definition of good. During the days I am not sure who I am and why I'm here, he brings me back to myself and to him. He's my safe place. He makes me want to be better each and every day.

My hope is that each of you is spending time with those you love and care about. I will continue to think of each of you and hope you're blessed with more and more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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College

2011-11-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm suffering a from a quandary and I'm hoping to solicit some much-needed advice.

I dropped out of college when I was 19. It's a long story, but it basically came down to a job offer and an identity crisis. After completing a year of college in high school and floundering while I tried to find my place at a big university, I decided that a hiatus was best.

I love learning. I always said that if I had a job/passion that required school, I'd love to go back. Now may be that time. I earned my current position through experience. Kicking ass and being damn good at what I do. Now, at the level I'm working, all of my colleagues at least have a college education. Most have double majors, additional certificates, Masters degrees, etc. For the first time since I started my professional career that I've felt self conscious about my lack of education.

For the past couple of months I have been toying with going back. My employer provides an annual allowance for school. It wouldn't cover everything, but it would be close. It was the last week of June that I pulled up the adviser contact information and started talking to Jeremy. Well, it was the next week that Sprout came into my life.

This is where I can use the advice. Can I handle both trying to conceive/being pregnant and going to school? And I wouldn't get off that easy - can I handle a child and classes?

What are your experiences? What things should I be considering (besides a padded cell)?

I clearly have a few decisions to make!

Positive OPK!

2011-11-21T16:10:00.001-08:00

Well that was a pleasant spin to my Monday!

J's response? Waggling eyebrows.

::unplugs phone from wall::

I will not be available until tomorrow!

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Made an appointment.

2011-11-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally did it. I scheduled our appointment with Seattle Reproductive.

I was really hoping that my Metformin and consistent use of OPK's would be my magic wand. I'm currently on cycle day 18 and haven't had any sign of ovulation just yet. Last cycle was over 40 days. I know that I could still be adjusting after the miscarriage, but still. I'm ready to move on.

I know that Jeremy is ready too. He's the one that asked why we didn't have an appointment yet. Well, dammit, I was hoping to get lucky twice I suppose. I've come to terms with the idea of seeking help again. I hate going to the doctor so frequently and working that into our already busy schedule. However, I cannot think of a better reason to do so.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of flexibility for time off between now and the end of the year and my doctor no longer takes Saturday appointments. Boooooo! So, that means our appointment isn't until Wednesday, December 28th. That gives us the busy holidays to focus on other things and then it is game time.

Here we go again!

(Anybody think I can get lucky and be pregnant before my appointment gets here again?? If I do, I'm buying a lotto ticket.)

SoCal is Where My Mind States

2011-11-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

We found ourselves in gorgeous sunny San Diego last weekend!

We spent some fantastic quality time with one of my dear BFFs Susan, her husband, and their brand new foster to adopt placements! Got to meet the kiddos, eat pie for lunch, and generally just enjoy each others company. Even if it was only a short time.

Thankfully we had the opportunity to rent a convertible, drive the coast, and even window shop for real estate (one of my favorite hobbies). We spent a good amount of time in the Gaslamp Quarter. Had beers at the Tipsy Crow, a tasty dinner at Strauss Brewery, etc. The concierge at our hotel (we stayed at the W and really enjoyed it!) recommended an awesome place for lunch - Craft and Commerce. It was awesome! I highly recommend it.

Sunday was a gorgeous day. Almost 80 degrees and not a cloud in the sky! This was the day we spent 7 hours walking around the San Diego Zoo. It was so fun! If you've ever been there, you know the place is HUGE. While we covered pretty much the whole zoo, I doubt very highly that you'd cover too much of it with little ones.While we were a little sad at times to think that I could be taking photos of my belly in front of the different exhibits, we know that we'll be back. I'm confident that we'll take our children there someday. That just means it will just be even more special next time.

We really enjoyed our little getaway. It was nice to spend some time, just the two of us. We're very fortunate to be able to travel quite a bit recently, but we don't often get the one-on-one time. We travel very well together. We like to wander in the same places, enjoy checking out local spots, and both appreciate some good down time. Jeremy hasn't always been as passionate about travel as I have, but I was thrilled when he admitted this weekend, "Sweetpea, I think I've got the travel bug." YES!

As Much Privacy as an Airport Bathroom

2011-11-14T16:21:00.001-08:00

I promised myself I would be uber diligent about my OPKs this month. And, as anyone who's had the pleasure of peeing on one would understand, when the urge hits you have to take advantage.

Even if that is in the third stall down in the dirty San Diego airport bathroom.

Even if the room is filled with other women speaking at least three different languages.

Even if you're a shy pee'er and it's all you can do to go at all.

Life of an Infertile Fact #94 - peeing on whatever you have you, whenever you have to do it.

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It could be an amazing, amazing, day.

2011-11-09T06:59:00.001-08:00

One of my very best friends, in all of the universe, might be blessed with children today.

She and her husband have struggled to make their family. They've said goodbye to two children who were born too soon and we miss those beautiful angels every single day. They are a couple of the bravest people I have ever met. They've faced these unthinkable obstacles and manage to still bring beauty to this crappy world. She's the first person in line to hold my hand when I'm sad. The first person to give an encouraging word to someone in need. To send love and care to everyone else.

They've just recently (as in last week) completed their certification for foster-to-adopt. Guess what call they received? They may have a placement today.

Holy Crap!

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. These two are going to be phenomenal parents. These children they are going to bring into their lives are so incredibly fortunate. I love them with all of my heart and cannot wait to see joy and love fill their home.

This is what I am thankful for today. Hope. Love. And all things completely awesome.

A great weekend getaway

2011-11-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned on Sunday, we spent the weekend in Whistler, BC! If you've never been, I'd highly recommend it. It can be a bit spendy, as most tourist towns are, but it can be done on a budget and some of the splurges are worth it! It's the second time we've visited Whistler and we have had a blast both times.

(Clockwise from the top-left - J and I in The Brewhouse, brilliant fall colors on the Western Washington University campus, Whistler Village, the Peace Arch at the Washington/BC border, getting a little friendly with a local)

The weekend was gorgeous. We made quite a few stops on the trip north and really enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. Sunshine, gorgeous fall color, and the crisp air. I have to say, fall is quickly becoming my favorite season. There is just no place quite as beautiful as the NW in the fall.

Thankful for Laughter

2011-11-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to take myself too seriously. I generally deal with crappy situations by making fun of myself and basically being a sarcastic brat. What can I say? It works for me.

This weekend was no exception. We spent the weekend in Whistler, BC with some great friends. It was a fabulous distraction. The drive up to Whistler is stunning. The mountains come straight into the sea. Everything is lush and green. Except, of course, for the gorgeous fall foliage.

Whistler was chilly, so it meant our shopping and beer drinking was done in scarves and beanies. There was patches of snow on the ground as we drank lattes and spent quality time with our pals. What never stopped? Our laughter.

Our pals are just as witty and sarcastic as we are. We spent a solid two days giving each other a hard time, poking fun, telling old stories, and genuinely having a good time. Sure, the shopping certainly didn't hurt! But at the end of the day, what brings me back to myself is a good belly laugh with people I can about. We didn't need fancy dinners and glamorous nights out in the village. We needed a few cold beers, a deck of cards, and our collective banter. Jokes like, "That's what she said!" and your mama jokes may be corny to sophisticated folk, but whispered under your breath to a pal when the woman standing next to you looks up to the mountain and says, "Wow, it's just so big!"... well, that's simply pure awesomeness.

This week - the first in November - I'm grateful for laughter. It's been my life line.

Another Pregnancy

2011-11-04T07:30:00.001-07:00

A close friend of Jeremy's and his wife have been trying for about 6 months. They've suffered through two early miscarriages/chemical pregnancies. She is now 6 weeks pregnant.

I am so happy for our friends. Happy and hopeful that they will get a full term healthy and happy baby.

I'm also struggling. I know it is so so so wrong to be jealous that they've been pregnant 3 times in 6 months.

I am grateful that I was working late when J had dinner with them to get the good news.

Working through these conflicts is a tricky, tricky, beast. Thrilled for them, jealous and sad for me. Crazy with a side of nutso, welcome to my world.

Meanwhile I will just fester in my wave of crazy while I pray for their babies health and for our future. Oh, and have a cocktail with my friends because it's Friday and we're headed out for the weekend. Yes, that will definitely help!

TGIF my dear friends.

Conversations with your MIL

2011-11-02T19:16:00.001-07:00

Scene: out to a nice dinner, MIL comes in and we're already seated.

Me: Hi!

MIL: Well, hello! I hope I didn't leave you waiting.

J: Nope, not at all. We just ordered drinks.

MIL: (to me) What are you having to drink tonight?

Me: Vodka 7

MIL: Oh, well then... Nevermind! I guess that answers my question.

Me & J: Huh?! (Exchange looks of bewilderment)

MIL: Well... if she's drinking she's not... you know...

J: Pregnant?? No, she's not.

::headdeskrepeat::

I cannot imagine why we waited three years until we told her. This cannot happen each time we get together or there will need to be words.

The status of my uterus is not open dinner conversation. She's lucky I didn't start telling her about being on my period while she enjoyed her shrimp cocktail. But, how do you delicately broach that subject?

Oh the joys of an infertile daughter-in-law.

Good end to a rough week.

2011-10-31T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's pretty obvious that I'm still working through some kinks in this tricky landscape of Infertility. But, it is weekends like this one that make me happy with my life.

Saturday morning was spent lounging with my husband. I did POAS, and saw my BFN. I knew that was going to be the case and my heart wasn't broken. I'm sad as always, but I was prepared. Instead of brooding we watched Captain America (pretty good, btw) and snuggled on the sofa, catching up on some much needed quality time.

That afternoon I took off for a few hours with my BFF R to watch her daughters soccer game (GO Pumas!) and take pictures of my mini BFF, Landon. That little boy simultaneously make my heart break and yearn for my own spawn, and overflows the achy hole in my heart. I love the bond I have with that 2 year old cutie-patootie. The Pumas tied their game 2-2, Landon and I ran ourselves silly, we stuffed ourselves at a local Mexican restaurant and I headed back home to get ready for the evening’s festivities.

Yes folks, we got dressed up and hit the town with our gang. There were a couple pirates, Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec), Lisbeth (Girl w. a Dragon Tattoo), Quail Man (

I have to say, the banana really accentuated my dance moves. Oh yes, I busted a move for two in that baby. It was a fun night, but I learned two important lessons #1 – I am getting too old for these shenanigans. #2 – the bartender turning out to be an old friend from high school isn’t nearly as good as it sounds. Free cocktails = hangover. Every time.

After some much needed Sunday morning R&R, we were off to the in-laws for a Halloween bash and some time with my niece and nephews. It was fun watching them bob for apples and turn themselves into mummies with toilet paper.

Also, I am SO proud of myself – not a single piece of candy and not a single dessert has crossed my lips during any of these festivities! It is working too. 2.5lbs lost as of my Friday weigh in – back down to 186. Quite a bit more to go, but it is progress!

Since this month is Thanksgiving, that is exactly what I will be focusing on – giving thanks. Taking time out of each day to be grateful for all that I have in my life. Even with all that we’ve been through, I am a pretty lucky girl.

***sorry to those that saw the half-post. Somehow the last half disappeared! Monday is in full swing already...***

How do you stop comparing?

2011-10-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

How do you stop comparing yourself to where you could be?
How do you stop seeing other women achieve milestones and think of what could have been? That it should be you? Not in place of them, but you too.
How do you stop looking at the calendar and imagine where your life could be right now? How not only could you know the gender of your child right now, but that by now this could have been the gender of your second child.
How do you see your friends, the people you love, go on with their lives and leave you behind? Again.
How do you celebrate with them when you don't even feel like you can look them in the eye? For two reasons, you're not sure that you can handle to see them smile in person, and you don't want to steal that smile away because they feel sorry for you.
How do you keep other peoples joy from from stealing your breath?

How do you stop comparing at all? It's stealing my attempts to find joy.

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

2011-10-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.

::headdeskrepeat::

That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.

A gorgeous fall day

2011-10-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful fall day in the Northwest.

This morning as I was running around and getting ready for work, I managed to get a roast in the crockpot. When we got home this afternoon, after that roast had been cooking for 11 hours, our house smelled like heaven! I nuked some baby red potatoes and carrots for a few minutes and added them to the crockpot as well.

Then off we went! We snagged the dogs, my camera, and hit the trail. We have a great, paved, trail near out house and we love it on days like today. It was great to spend good time with Jeremy, get some fresh air after a frustrating and busy day in the office, and get a bit of exercise with the pups.

Nothing quite beats coming home to a warm house filled with the smell of a tasty roast. Now, it's time to relax, snuggle up, and watch Sons of Anarchy. All in all, it was a damn good day.

A quick rundown of the roast recipe I created, for those interested!

In a ziplock bag, mix well- 1/4 cup flour, dash of thyme, pepper, 1/2 t garlic powder, 1/4t onion powder
Add the roast to the bag and coat
Brown roast on all sides
In the crockpot add 1cup beef broth, 1/4 water, 1 can cream of mushroom, a few dashes of Worcestershire sauce - mix and add the roast
Sprinkle top with onion soup mix
Cook for at least 5-6 hours - all day is obviously best!
For the last 1-1.5 hours add your potatoes of choice and baby carrots

I don't do much measuring and I improve a LOT. In fact, this time I added a bay leaf when I added the veggies.

Not so mildly obsessed.

2011-10-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Can we please take a moment to discuss the new love in my life?

Pinterest.

I have developed a mild obsession with this website. I have my Mrs.S account as well as another personal account (hit me up if you want to follow that one) and Oh Em Gee we have a problem. I have started numerous phrases with, "I found this cool ____..." and Jeremy already knows where it came from.

My boss came in my office about two weeks ago and said, "You will never guess what I discovered, it is the most awesome website." My response? "Please tell me you're talking about Pinterest." She was!! We squealed like idiots and compared pins for the next 5 minutes.

This website is a planners dream. As you can see I started my Mrs. S (himplusme) account when I was still with Sprout. But still, when I need a few minutes to slip into baby-planning obsession I have my resource. When I hear one of my gal pals suggest something baby-related that she absolutely could not live without - you bet your ass I'm pinning it. What a great way to keep track of the things you love, ideas you have, and just general awesomeness??

I'm sorry to interrupt your daily goings-on with this moment of Pinterest love, but it had to be done. If you don't know what Pinterest is... well... I'm sorry. Feel free to email me and I'll invite you, cause you're missing out.

Warning: Pinterest is know to cause hours of the day to simply go missing.

Friends

2011-10-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have probably said 1000 times here how I have the best friends in all of the universe. Some live just a block away, and others are all across the country. Some I've know since before I could walk and others I've never met in person before. Some are women, others are men, and their ages range pretty dramatically.

I've never been one to have too many close girl friends. I had my close circle (3) in highschool and my other closest friends were guys. I've always had a hard time dealing with the drama that unfortunately accompanies most female personalities. Needless to say, I've chosen my girlfriends very carefully. If you consider yourself one of my close friends (you'll know who you are), just know that you passed a very rigorous test. ;)

It's one of the great perks of blogging and communicating with an online society - if they drive you crazy you just get to delete them from your reader!! I get to be picky with who I communicate with and have found so many awesome women that I may not have met otherwise!

Jeremy and I had an entire conversation about this last night when we were on our way to meet up with some friends. Another friend of ours is pretty newly single. He's starting to date again and sweet baby Jesus in a manger has he already met some serious crazies. Like, multiple cats, couldn't see her floors, car filled with junk, lets get serious on the first date kind of crazy. I feel for him and do not envy his situation. His searching for a mate has had one excellent side affect for me - J is extremely appreciative of me and our relationship. It has been an excellent, and constant, reminder that he hit the jackpot! (Modesty is clearly one of my finer traits.)

Back to last nights conversation. He said that he knew very early on that I was the girl for him because of the people I chose to affiliate with. Three of my closest friends in the world were guys. That can be nerve-wracking to a new boyfriend. It's like he had to meet my three big brothers. But after that initial anxiety he quickly saw that I could hang with the fellas without being one of them. I wasn't scratching myself in sweatpants, but could follow a sporting event. I could also take crap as easily as I could deal it out. His words - "You weren't crazy, over emotional, and too sensitive."

All of this to say, it really made me feel good to hear him affirm that 10 years later he still loves and appreciates these things about me. That even with all that we've been through he doesn't find me crazy, over-emotional (clearly love is BLIND! lol), and too sensitive. That our relationship is strong enough for him to hear me hug one of my best friends on his birthday, tell him that I love him, and not bat an eye. Shoot, more than likely J would jump on us and say, "I love you too, man!"

My friends have succeeded in not just being there for me, cheering on from the sidelines, but have helped to make my relationship even stronger. They're our family. They know us better than anyone and love us despite our faults.

So, when I say I have the best friends in the universe, I know it to be fact. And I'm okay if you need to take a moment to be jealous. I don't often get to have that experience. ;)

New Look

2011-10-22T11:33:00.001-07:00

What do you think? It is certainly simpler than I had before, but I woke up feeling like I needed a freshening up! I'm only mildly obsessed with the chevron pattern and the combination of gray and green (or gray and anything...).

I'd love to get your feedback! I still have a few more changes I would like to make. There will be more pictures coming soon, I hope. lol

Is there anything you'd like to see?

However, I am done for today. It is a gloomy fall day here in the Pacific Northwest. I am going to snuggle with my husband, make stew for dinner, and read a good book. The rest of my chores can wait until tomorrow.

Welcome to October ICLW!

2011-10-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

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Changing a Habit

2011-10-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit. After another disappointing visit to the scale last night, I have dedicated myself to making a change.

Clearly my grandiose – eat nothing but food that is good for you and work out every day – plans are not cutting it. So, instead I’m starting small. I’ve developed a poor habit of eating junk food. Especially at work I have a hard time with all of the potlucks, birthday celebrations, etc. Yesterday I got home and realized I had eaten:

1. Skittles – AKA my favorite candy in the universe

2. Chocolate Cake – thank you bridal shower

3. Cookies – not just one, but three

Stop the madness! I wasn’t bingeing or anything crazy, but I was being complacent.

For the next 22 days I am giving up treats. Candy and desserts are a no-no until I leave for San Diego. Today I packed my go-to healthy munchies – bell peppers in a light Italian dressing. Tonight I am packing up anything in my fridge/pantry and making J eat it for dinner. (only kidding!) I am going to pack up what I can and donate it or send it to work with him. I need it out of my house. We’re talking sugar detox people!

Are there any small habits you can change? Would you like to join me on my 22 day trek out of Charlie’s Chocolate Factory?

woulda coulda shoulda.

2011-10-17T15:35:00.001-07:00

I would be 20 weeks this week.
I would presumably be half way through my pregnancy.
I could be sporting a cute baby bump and not only bloated from the weekends festivities.
I would more than likely know the gender if our child.
I should be shopping and planning a nursery.
I would be researching my birth plan.
I could be buying maternity dresses and flats.
I should be feeling my baby's first kicks and sharing these moments with my husband.

My life should be changing. Instead I feel stuck. I'm frustrated and sad. Trapped in this groundhogs day pattern. Wake up, work, gym, don't lose weight despite the 4 days you spend there, dinner, chores, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

My life coulda, woulda, shoulda been different.

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Please help my friend.

2011-10-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

My friend ADS lost her twins at 20weeks yesterday. Michael and Alena joined this world too soon. This world was not prepared to handle the beauty of these two sweet babes. ADS and her husband fought long and hard for their children. They were conceived late last spring (just before Sprout) through IVF.

Please take a moment to visit her blog and leave her some love. She can use all that we can give her today. As many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. There is no better way to show our support than through encouraging words and thoughtful prayers.

We have seen entirely too much of this. Too many families broken, children lost, and dreams shattered. My heart aches for ADS today and for all of the other women who have suffered a loss. Life is simply not fair.

ADS, I hope that Michael and Alena are sitting in heaven with Sprout. Laughing, loving, and looking out for those that love them.

Out of Gas

2011-10-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

After three years of TTC, what more is there to talk about? This is where I am struggling lately. I'm not pregnant anymore, we're not seeing a doctor just yet... so what is there to say on a fertility related blog?

I'm working a ton, too busy to do much relaxing, and mostly just getting through each day. I'm happy to feel ready to conceive again (as ready as you ever can be, especially following a loss), I constantly at war with losing weight, but these are all things I feel like I've belabored to death around here.

Is there anything you're curious about? I am trying to convince J to talk about his perspective more - is there anything you'd like to hear from the man that puts up with me every day?

I miss writing and communicating with you all more frequently - I'd love a good push!

Dreams (again)

2011-10-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

We've talked about my baby related dreams before and I always find a little comfort in them. Last night was no different.

The whole theme of the dream was a little stressful - we were running from someone/something. It was one of those dreams where the setting changed/morphed from time to time. We were at some sort of challenge (think Warrior Dash or a race) and then we were on top of a train and being chased by men on horses.

Why would I take comfort in that?

Because I had a little boy. He was blond (like both of his parents when they were little) and probably about 2-3 years old (coincidence?). When we were at the race, he was running around naked until I caught him, tickled him, and wrestled his clothes back on. (my mom had to do this for me a time or two when I was a wee one....) On the train it was evening, we were with a group of people and others with children, and the kids were winding down. That was my favorite part. I was sitting down crossed-legged and my little boy was sitting in my lap dozing. My head rested on top of his, smelling his hair.

I can still feel that feeling. That heart swelling, sigh of happiness, warm and fuzzy feeling. We may have missed the boat this month, but I'm happy to feel ready to pursue that dream again.

MIssed Opportunity

2011-10-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week - recovering from the plague and attending a conference for work. Jeremy also left for his Mancation yesterday. As of Thursday - no possitive OPK.

So, of course I was thrilled (insert sarcasm) yesterday when I had slight twinges/cramping and copious amounts of CM. I didn't even use an OPK because J is gone.

I'm a little bummed our timing didn't work out, but what's a girl to do? It certainly isn't how we wanted to get back in the swing of things. I will just have to work to put it out of my mind and continue to focus on my weight loss (my never-ending consolation prize).

Poorly timed flu bug

2011-10-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

What does a trying-to-conceive girl need mid-cycle on their first cycle since a miscarriage?

The flu.

I woke up Saturday morning with an awful bug. Said bug had me running to the restroom about every 15-30 minutes. Occassionally holding a bucket (which thankfully I never needed!). I just got worse as the day went on and by yesterday evening I had a fever and the chills. And what does a girl with a fever need more than getting up a few minutes to sprint to the potty?

Not one of my finest days.

I've basically only eaten a small sleeve of crackers, a granola bar, and a Gatorade in the last 36 hours. I cannot fathom giving my guts any more ammo. But hey, I suppose the thin silver lining is the nice leap my weight loss took. Today's weekly weigh-in was 183.7. I'm not saying it was worth it, but I'll take it.

My OPK's finally came in the mail today, so should things test out, J is just going to have to take one for the team. Romantic, right?? ;)

Such is the life of a girl in search of a babe.

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Three Years

2011-09-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

I sat down to write on this topic and had no idea what to say. Even after three years, I am no expert on the topics of infertility or trying to conceive. I only know my journey. So, that’s where I started. Telling my story (albeit the abbreviated version). It doesn’t cover every bump in the road - my darkest of days, or how having a child doesn’t leave my mind for a single day- but it is the map. My map. Unfolded and folded back up more times now than I can count... Let’s hope that by reliving my history, that I can change my future.

Three Years.

To think about three years all at once is a long time.

Three years ago I was a newlywed. We hadn’t been home from Mexico for very long and we were already swept back up into the remainder of the ‘Summer of Weddings’. (I was in two more after my own that summer.)

I’d married my best friend after 7 years together. We had a new home, our dog, and had just found out we had a niece on the way. It was that fact that had us lying on the couch, discussing our reproductive future. We’d be telling everyone it would be at least a year and then we would just stop trying not to. In reality, we planned to pull the plug at the first of the year. This late August day had us chatting about why we were waiting. Were we not ready? No, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t money either. We certainly have the space in our new place. We realized over the next couple of weeks that the date was arbitrary and so, we tossed it out the window. I was in another wedding at the end of September, so we decided that after that, it was game on. September 28^th saw my last birth control pill.

I instantly got off on the wrong foot. I got another period a couple weeks later (my second for the month of October) and didn’t see another until the New Year. I knew then that something was amiss. Not only did I know that after 8 years of birth control there can be an adjustment period, but I knew then that something just wasn’t right.

I battled for the next year with learning more about my body, fighting my own controlling tendencies, and grieving a bit each time I saw another friend or relative start their family and pass me by.

The year after that was spent battling medication, appointments, new doctors, and myself. Mostly, I felt like a constant failure. I would get my hopes up that ‘this time we have the combination of drugs that is going to do the trick’ and then I would respond worse than I did the last time. It was an uphill battle and I scratched and clawed (mostly myself) the whole way. August of 2010 (a month before our two year TTC ‘anniversary’), we got dumped by the doctor. The chief OB at my clinic told me that there just wasn’t anything more he could do and that I would need to see someone at Seattle Reproductive Medicine for a more aggressive treatment.

I felt kicked in the gut. That man, with a wall fill with baby pictures, couldn’t make it happen for me. I couldn’t make it happen for us. I was done. We were done. We had to take a break. J and I decided that we were quitting the formal TTC game for awhile. I’ll admit that it took me some time to abandon old habits. Instinctively I still knew that it was midcycle and that it ‘couldn’t hurt’. And I was still disappointed when AF arrived. Instead of obsessing, I found other things to occupy my time – a new job, weight loss, and the trip of a lifetime. This year was going to be the year of ME. All about improving my life, making positive changes, and getting myself back on track. I started acupuncture, was eating healthy, and planning our first ever trip to Europe. Jeremy and I agreed that we would pick back up with Seattle Reproductive when we returned at the beginning of June.

Meanwhile I lost 21 pounds, started my new job, and in mid-May we left for two weeks to visit England and Ireland. Every minute was amazing and exceeded our expectations. Just as we agreed, we visited Seattle Reproductive the second week of June. She wrote me a Rx for Metformin and while I got busy ramping up on that gem of a medicine, we would reconvene when I got my next period and we’d get this party started. We discussed combinations of meds, timing, and starting with IUI.

None of that happened because on the 4^th of July – we got our blessing – our first BFP. We cried, I called my closest girlfriends and we cried again… it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Not at all feeling like I thought I would, but it was a sight to see. My blood work over the next few days was beyond excellent (jokes of twins were made from my nurse), and after the blood work came back great, we decided we would tell only our parents. The rest of our family could wait until at least our first ultrasound.

Both my parents cried, my dad having no idea what we went through. My mom and sister, appreciating his miracle a bit more, laughed cried and instantly started planning. (I come by my planning obsessions naturally.) We were on cloud 9 and completely uncharted territory.

Then came the downward slope - a bit of spotting, an inconclusive ultrasound, a bit of rest, and the news that we were probably miscarrying. Another beta a week later to confirm and – what? It went back up?! Heart stops, hopes have elevated, ultrasound shows progress – but no heart beat and more spotting. Six weeks after our miracle day, started one of the worst weeks of my life. We officially said goodbye to Sprout(s).

I am so grateful for all of the support we’ve had over the last three years. This is not at all where I thought, or had hoped, we would be. But, that’s life. Had we not struggled this way, I would not have learned all I know about my body. I would not have made some truly amazing friends. Nor would I have understood this side of a serious problem that so many women face – silently and alone. I’ve joined this infertility community that no one wants to be a member of. But, one that is filled with love and support.

Three years. Hard to believe we’ve made so much progress, and yet have so little to show for it. Three years later and I am grateful to still be madly in love with my husband. Even more in love than I was on our wedding day. Still working to make positive changes, balance our lives, and keep moving forward. There isn’t anything left in the past for me. Only hard work and more challenge for the future. Here I am, three years later, with no baby, having struggled like mad, but also having learned to (and increased my capacity to) love even more deeply.

Fresh Start

2011-09-22T05:14:00.001-07:00

AF showed up on Tuesday. Just shy of six weeks, which is right where the majority of you told me she would be.

So far she's taken it easy on me, which compared to the periods I was having last Spring (when I had my last real period), is something to celebrate.

I feel a sense of relief. That I can put this rough summer behind us and start fresh. I'm even beginning to look forward to it and feel hopeful. I figure hopeful is a good place to be, considering our three year trying-to-conceive anniversary is next week. But that's a whole different topic for an entirely different day.

I am still taking my Metformin and doing pretty well. I took my girl Jessica's advice and take one pill in the morning and the other two before bed. With that rotation I've had very few tummy troubles. J and I talked about the game plan and decided that we will try OPKs this month and see how we do with just the Met.

I am glad that we're not jumping right back in the deep end. This gradual approach feels best. I spent enough time in a doctors office this summer and could use a breather.

Here we go again... wash, rinse, repeat. Like a bad episode of Groundhogs Day.

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Viva Las Vegas

2011-09-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

I did something crazy yesterday.

I schemed with one of J's best friends on Friday and we bought tickets for Vegas! Here's the crazy part - it was for Saturday. Yes, I bought tickets Friday, and we flew out the next day. In fact, I just got home a couple of hours ago!

We had miles, a friend had a companion fare, why not?!

It was spontaneous, exciting, and we had a fantastic time! Our pal came by under the rouse that we were going to look at a boat - he wanted our opinion. He got to our house and said, 'Well, sorry Jeremy, change of plans!' and we handed him a boarding pass. I had a small bag packed for us and off we went!

And it just got better. We were upgraded to first class! In line for security we made friends, they were headed to Vegas too. Turns out, they were in first class as well! They had a limo taking them to their hotel and they offered to let us ride along and they would drop us at our hotel! I mean, could it have worked out any better?? We were riding high, that's for sure.

We checked in at the New York New York, changed our clothes and hit the casino. There was a big fight at the MGM, so we decided to venture of there and check out the scene. It was crazy busy, but we found a fun craps table and our friend taught us to play craps. Well, our friend and the very nice Hawaiian gentleman that I befriended - Anthony. I lost, but not enough that we still didn't have a great time.

After a bit of gambling, we decided to go to the dueling piano bar in our hotel. It was packed, the music was great and we proceeded to make more friends. In fact, one of the girls we hung out with was there from Seattle! Us girls had free entry to the club in NY NY (Rok), so we decided to check it out. Thankfully we were able to get the guys in free too. It's not a big nightclub, in fact I've been there before, but we had a great time dancing with our new friends until the wee hours of the morning. By about 3:30 or so we'd had our fill and called it a night.

Morning came too quickly, we grabbed some breakfast, and back to the airport for our 11:15 flight home. I am exhausted. Running around in 3 inch heals and dancing for 4 hours is a good work out! My legs are sore. My throat is hoarse from yelling over the music. I probably drank a little more than I should have. I have a blister (oddly not from my sexy peep-toe pumps, but the kitten heal I wore to the airport). And mostly - I need a nap!

But you know what? I would do it all again. We lived it up!

Jeremy was so surprised. Vegas is his D.isney Land. People watching, friends to make, good food... what more can a guy ask for?

It may have only been for a night, but we really lived the rock star lifestyle!

McSkinny Friday

2011-09-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am reporting to you this week a few pounds lighter!

187.7 on the scale this morning. 3.3lbs in a little less than two weeks, not too shabby! We've been consistent with the gym, even when I really didn't want to be. I took my lunch every day this week (chicken, veggies, fruit and/or a yogurt) and have managed to behave myself.

I'm proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm already feeling like I fit in my clothes a little better. Isn't it amazing what a few extra pounds of bloat and fat will do? It's nice to be able to breathe in my jeans!

The weekends are the hardest for me. When we get together with our friends we tend not to make the best choices. Thankfully the other wives and myself have banded together to put in a better effort. If we grill - let's make chicken and eat a salad, instead of burgers and potato salad. The little changes make the biggest difference!

What little changes do you make that have helped?

TGIF peeps!

Still Undecided

2011-09-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA so much, but there really hasn't been much to report. We've been too busy lately to really even talk about what our next steps are going to be. And none of it even matters because that dirty AF hasn't even shown up yet.

We have a lot going on in our lives right now with trying to sell our rental property, work, trying to make it to the gym 4 days a week, dealing with the insurance company (Jeremy was in a very minor bike accident - that was his fault), contemplating a career change - more on the job offer I received another time, dogs that need vet appointments, etc. You've heard about all of that before. So right now my focus is on getting us in order, taking care of our tasks at hand, and trying to sort things out.

Part of me wants to wait to get back to Seattle Reproductive until after I lose my 15lbs. The other part says that there is no time like the present. And until those two parts come to an agreement, we're kind of at a standstill. Except that the calendar didn't get the memo and the days keep ticking on by. 3 years of TTC is approaching really quickly and boy was I hoping this anniversary would pass a little differently. Instead of anxiously awaiting a gender scan early-mid next month, we'll be floating around Never Never Land trying to figure everything out.

Question for those of you who have had a miscarriage - how long was it before you got your next period? I don't really even know when to measure from since I was spotting for a few days before my miscarriage really started.

That was basically the long way of saying, I've got nothing to report. Wheels are still spinning. We're still working things out and we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

Found My Motivation!

2011-09-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

It just slapped me upside the head on Monday.

No more slacking off.

This summer has obviously been a rough one. When it comes to my diet, I've given myself some rope. With that rope I have done nothing but hang myself.

10lbs

That is what I accomplished this summer. I got on the scale Monday and it said 191lbs. I never wanted to see 190 again and I have. FUCK. That was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. I cannot continue to treat myself with such disregard and disrespect.

No cookie/chip/cocktail is worth this ache I have in my heart from letting myself down again. Okay, maybe not the cocktail part....

I went shopping, stocked up on good foods and Tuesday I was back at the gym. J and I have recommitted to our old program - 2 days on, 1 day off. I'm doing a minimum of 30minutes of cardio and alternating between abs/arms and abs/legs.

It is ON!

J got the time off of work and in November we are going to San Diego for a long weekend. I have 1o weeks and by then I want to lose 16 lbs. That is re-losing my 10lbs and going down another 5. That is about 1.5lbs a week and I think I can do it. The first few pounds are the easiest, water weight and whatnot, but I'm fully committed.

Goal: 175lbs by Nov. 10th.

I have a girlfriend here that is going to follow the same eating plan and my loverly friend Susan is supporting me from CA (and will be celebrating with me in SD!). Lots of support, a good plan, and a closet of pants that I need to get back into. What more does a girl need?

Operation Skinny is back in action.

I was right!

2011-08-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

That sneaky little devil was up to something!

Jeremy had told me that on Friday we would go and pick up my birthday present. That we would be going to dinner and would have a bit of time to kill before he had to 'meet someone at 11:30'. ELEVEN THIRTY!? WTF!? He promised me it would be worth it and I wouldn't have to leave the car. He said nothing about the damn blindfold, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I made the mistake of wanting to start our evening with some shopping. I have one pair of jeans that fit, so I wanted to pick up at least one more pair. Any woman knows that jeans shopping is the quickest way to start of shame spiral of self loathing and depression. 23 pairs of jeans later, and almost attacking a sales lady in The G.AP ("I'm sorry, we don't carry that in your size." RAGE), I am on the verge of tears. Frankly, J was not helpful. His idea of shopping with me was to sit on his phone for an hour. (I will forgive him for this later). I tried on a size up and, at one store, two sizes up and they were too tight!

Note to Jeans Manufacturers: Get your shit together. Can't you hold an annual conference where you all calibrate the appropriate jean size and then all use the same scale!? Why am I a size 12 at one store and sobbing when I can barely button a 16 in another? It's cruel. Shape up or I'm going to start hunting you down. One by one.

After the failure that was jean shopping we went to dinner. I sat in relative silence because I was afraid that the moment I opened my mouth I would cry. Jeremy asked, "How can jeans shopping do this to you?" Oh, if only he had a vagina, then he could understand. I, through watery eyes, explained that my waist is all I've ever had going for me. Big hips/thighs, but a nice waist. Except that now I was pregnant just long enough to get soft in the middle. So I can't find jeans and I have no baby. I warned you it was a shame spiral...

He asked me, "What if I told you that in a few hours I guarantee that you will feel better?"
My reply, "That for the next few hours I'm going to be a sucky human being to hang out with."

Meanwhile, I texted one of my very best pals - the lovely Susan. I lamented about my jeans experience and hers was the only solution that completely made sense. Fuck it, and EAT DESSERT. It's why I love her. That and the fact that she just gets my soul. I didn't get dessert, but instead spent an hour and a half in Target where I got a new lamp, a necklace, and a shirt. It worked, I felt a little better.

This is where the blindfold came in. We get back to the car and J says, "You're going to hate me for this, but I'm going to need you to put this on." and he hands me a scarf. "For serious??" I asked.

Yup.

Thankfully I didn't make it 5 minutes on the freeway before I passed out (it was waaaay passed my bedtime). The next thing I remember was sitting up and complaining about the kink in my neck. Jeremy says, "I'm sorry, Sweetpea. Why don't you sit up? And while you're at it, take your blindfold off and look out your window."

OHMYGODHOLYEFFINGSHIT ::deep breat:: LETMEOUT!

It was Susan.

J flew her here from California to celebrate my birthday. That is who he'd been texting all night.

I threw my happy ass out of the car and jumped on her. I think I even squealed. I then proceeded to slug Jeremy in the arm and then kiss him. It was the best birthday surprise I've ever been given. My friend. The exact one I needed at exactly the right time. The crazy intuitive thing was he had been scheming with Susan to do this since MAY! How did the universe know?! Crazy kids.

We spent an amazing Saturday together. She and our friend Rachel cooked me breakfast and then took me to get our nails done. After that? We hit the outlet mall where those girls helped me find all kinds of good finds - including a pair of jeans.

I could have died happy after that afternoon.

We get back to my house, change our clothes, and head out to pick up Jeremy at our friends place - supposedly on our way to dinner. Nope! We get there and the driveway is filled with cars and lounging in the backyard is about a dozen of my friends and our parents. That man threw me my first ever surprise party! We grilled, drank beer, ate my Angry Birds birthday cake, and I got to spend the evening with some of my favorite people on this earth. I refuse, however, to talk about the tequila. I'm still trying to pretend that part never happened. My old friends mingled with my newer friends and they all folded together nicely. It may have been my greatest gift of all.

Jeremy outdid himself. Seeing him so happy about making me happy was by far my favorite part. Getting to hug Susan after the month I've had? Priceless. It was a fantastic birthday weekend. One I will never forget in a million years.

27

2011-08-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

I turned 27 this week. I'm not entirely certain how I feel about it. I keep saying that I simultaneously feel very young and very old.

I had a great birthday. A very productive and fun day at work - my coworkers stayed to decorate my office after I left. There were crazy signs, streamers, and arrows all over my door and walls. I left work a little bit early and a couple friends took me to lunch at this really nice steak house downtown - one of my favorite of all time. We ate like kings, drank wine, and laughed like mad. Once I got home, I was so stuffed that I had no interest in dinner and J and I spent the evening snuggled on the couch. Birthdays in the middle of the week will do that to you. Or, is that a sign I'm getting old??

J has been a little wishy-washy about this weekend. First we were going to barbecue and I guess we waiting to long and most of our friends are busy, we were going to go to dinner Saturday and now we're going tonight. Now on Saturday he is talking about going to the state fair, just the two of us. I have my suspicions, there have been quickly turned computer screens and 'I'm not telling you any more''s... that boy is up to something. I am just crossing my fingers that I'm not getting my hopes up to truly just be having a chill weekend with my man (which I will never complain about!).

Either way, 27 has started out pretty great. I wasn't sure what I thought about transitioning into my mid-to-late 20's, but so far - so good. I feel more confident and at peace than I did in my early 20's. I've weathered a few more storms and that has rounded my edges a bit. I feel stronger, smarter, and a bit wiser (don't you laugh!). I've even taken small steps to work toward my purging and organizational goals.

26 was a roller coaster. Too many sad lows - getting dumped by my OB, taking a break from TTC, another Christmas without children, stress at work, helping friends through loss, work stress, family arguments, etc. However, there were a lot of wonderfully amazing highs - Travel (Las Vegas, cabins, Idaho, California, Eastern Washington, and of course - Europe.), great time with friends, 10 anniversary, Jeremy's 30th, a new job, seeing and experiencing my first weeks of pregnancy, hearing my mom and sister (and our lovely friends) cry when we told them we were expecting the first time, reaching and maintaining my 50lb weight loss goal - after 3 years of working at it, and many many more.

I'm ready for more stability with 27. I'm hoping that it is nothing like 26. I am still powering through The Year of Me (2011) and hope to finish stronger than I started.

Hello, 27, it's nice to finally meet you.

I will leave you with a funny...
J and I have just finished 'celebrating' (sorry, tmi, but what do you expect around here!?) the anniversary of my birth. Snuggled in bed, almost ready to doze off, J says, "Wow. I've never been with a 27 year old before." Goofball.

Our Getaway

2011-08-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

::satisfied sigh::

This weekend was exactly what we needed.

After a long day of work, we spent Friday night hanging out with friends by the fire. Had a couple of beers, ate pizza, and reminisced about the good ol' days. The dogs played in the yard and we laughed until it got dark outside. A great way to end the week.

Saturday was mostly business. We were up at a decent hour and by 9:30 it was Chores-a-Palooza 2011. Jeremy tackled the outside, while I made the inside my bitch. He trimmed hedges, pulled weeds, edged, and mowed. While inside I was scrubbing the bathtub, wiping down walls, vacuuming, scrubbing floors, and dusting. We worked until about noon and took a break to have lunch in the sunshine. We spent about 45 minutes chatting and enjoying the gorgeous day before we got back at it to finish up. By the end I was exhausted. I would have liked to accomplish a couple more things, but we were spent. We got SO much done! We even made a small list of things that we needed to fix/replace that we found along the way (silly things like needing a new shower caddy).

After all of the hard work we'd put in on Saturday, we had earned our glorious Sunday. I took Monday off, so we headed into the foothills to stay at the Salish Lodge. If you live in the Pacific Northwest, you owe it to yourself to save your pennies and visit this place. I happened to get an extremely good Living Social deal (so good that it was only available for a day and a half instead of the original seven days!), so it wasn't so bad in terms of cost for us. Since we saved a bundle on the room itself, we scheduled an afternoon massage. It was Jeremy's first and I'd say he had more than earned it after the last six weeks or so.

We had a leisurely Sunday morning, got packed up and headed out. We stopped and had brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and I even did a little shopping at The Loft. We made it to the lodge before 2:00pm. Just in time to scope the place out before our 3:00 massage. Let me tell you - it was heaven on earth. It has been awhile since I'd gotten a massage, and there was definitely those points where it 'hurt so good', but by the end I was butter and it was tremendous. We took a little nap, returned to the spa to soak in the hot tub, and then got ready for dinner. We opted for the more casual Attic lounge, instead of the formal dining room, and we were not disappointed. We'd gotten there with perfect timing to be seating in the best seat in the house - a perfect view of Snoqualmie Falls. We had a couple drinks, a delicious dinner, and watched the sunset.

Our room was phenomenal. Honestly one of the nicer rooms I've stayed in and I have a pretty great list! It had a real wood burning fireplace (wood in the room), a cozy king sized bed, a patio and grass area outside, and a bathtub to die for. A giant two person jetted tub that even had crazy lights. They made sure I had bath salts for a good post-massage soak.

Needless to say, I didn't want to leave!! J managed to tear me out of the cozy bed and drag me down to what turned out to be one of the best breakfasts I've ever eaten. He had tasty waffles and me the french toast (no mention of a diet this weekend!), we shared some cocoa and watched the mist rise off of the falls.

We took our time coming home too. We stopped and did some window shopping, made a Costco run (I'm stocked on healthy food for the week!), and came home to make dinner and relax. We had a good discussion (started as a bit of an argument actually...) over getting rid of some of our stuff. We have a tendency to just pack things away instead of getting rid of things we don't need or use. Because God forbid if someday we might need it! About once or twice a year I purge some of it, but we need an overhaul. After a protective moment over some CDs, Jeremy agreed it was time for a purge. He suggested that we'd tackle one room each week. He felt that would help accommodate some of our busy nights and give us a chance to do a little bit throughout the week before finishing up on the weekend. Folks, we've got a plan. Even better - I got started today! I spent almost an hour in our room going through nightstands and the storage bench at the end of our bed. I cleaned out purses and already have a full tub of potential garage sale stuff!

It was a great long weekend. It gave me a chance to enjoy myself, take my mind off my troubles, and get some much needed one-on-one time with my husband. The nicest part was that even when my mind did wander to our loss, or trying to conceive, it felt positive and good.

I'm putting it down as one delightfully giant step in the right direction. Especially positive since I spent the weekend eating things like french toast and came away 2lbs lighter this week! YAY for drinking more water and getting some exercise!

Now, if I could just figure out how I can move into that Lodge without someone noticing....

Back to "Normal"

2011-08-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I had a short and sweet visit with Doc Oc today. He checked my cervix, did a quick ultrasound to check out my uterus and lining, slapped me on the ass as he shoved me out the door. Okay, not quite, but close (of course minus the ass slapping part).

He did a quick exam to look at my cervix and said everything turned out great. In the ultrasound we could see my uterus was back to normal and my lining looked good. There was nothing leftover and no reason at all for concern. A+

He did recommend that I wait until my next natural period before we start trying again. I'm still not certain where I stand there, or if I'll be ready, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. He also said that he'll want to see me when I'm pregnant again at about 6 weeks. Let's hope that isn't too terribly far from now.

If I had to have a miscarriage, I am happy that I was able to do it on my own and that once things got started, they went smoothly for the most part. I've been praying for this and glad nothing got in my way of physical closure.

This weekend I am running away with my husband for a night. We've already booked massages and a gorgeous room at a hotel that looks over a waterfall. I'm really excited to this much needed getaway. I think we've earned it!

Working on a better me.

2011-08-18T15:50:00.001-07:00

Today wasn't the first time I've had someone say that I'm too hard on myself. Frankly, I've heard it a lot... basically all my life. And I completely understand that there are times that the expectations I hold for myself are unrealistic. Intellectually I understand that anyway, but emotionally... that's different. There are just some days, typically the unproductive kind that don't go so well, that I just feel bogged down. Like one of those running dreams. The kind where you are trying to get away from the bad guy/monster/alligator (don't ask) and no matter how hard you try, you're running in slow motion? That's the way I've felt recently. The wheels are spinning, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Another problem I have is my complete and utter lack of patience. Welcome to the last three years of my blog.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this today. And honestly it isn't the first time I've done some reflection on the topic. I know that I am going through a rough time. And while things physically may be wrapping up, I have a whole host of issues that still need dealing with... clearly. But, I don't want to be in that place. Two months ago I had found my groove. I was genuinely happy with my life and that just got turned upside down. I want it back and I want it back now. I don't want to wait to feel good again. To feel happiness, both with my life and with myself. Right now, my life is chaos and I spend most days feeling sorry for myself. A complete 180 in less than 60 days. Do I at least get a land speed record?

When I was home last week and watching some awesome (NOT) daytime television, I was given an interesting theory to ponder. Our home and surroundings are a direct reflection of how we feel and where we are in our life. Folks, if you came to my house right now, you'd know I was a hot mess.

Part of what I can't get a handle on is the whole chicken or the egg idea. Do I give myself the time to emotionally straighten myself out and then naturally I will have time for things like scrubbing my toilet? Or do I start to carve out time to physically get my world in order to make myself more emotionally sound? Since I cannot control the length of time it will take for me to get my emotional train back on track, I feel that getting my physical space in order is the best path. Except, I don't have time! Hence yesterdays frustration.

Now that I was able to do my venting and get it out there I can come back to reality and make a plan. One day at a time I can do something small to get me there. Luckily I am not alone in this world. I have wonderful support. I have a husband who is really picking up the slack and with some additional direction could be helping me rein in this craziness. I have the best friends. Friends that are willing to help me keep on track with re-losing the weight. To focus again on a healthy lifestyle and walk that road right along with me.

Something I really need to do, for my sanity, is purge. I've talked about this before and even got started on smaller projects. I think my first task is going to be to spend at least 30 minutes in one room, each day, until I've completed the whole house. That 30 minutes will be dedicated not to cleaning, but to getting rid of stuff. I will throw away things that have been broken or set aside, collect things for donation, and perhaps start a garage sale box. I feel like this is a manageable first step to simplifying my life. Clutter be gone!

Once I have cleaned out my space, the next step will be to clean it up. We'll tackle that another day. Now, who wants to help me convince my husband that he doesn't need the early 90's neon biking jacket that is still hanging on his side of the closet? This is going to be an adventure...

I really hope that making this a priority will help me regain my sanity. It can't hurt, right? Because I don't know when my heart will feel whole again. When I will make it a full day without a moment of sadness. When I'll be ready to jump back on that TTC horse again. But I guess we cannot wake up every day and say, "Am I ready yet??" I know that day will come when it comes. And when it does, I hope that my efforts to revamp my life will make me feel that much more prepared.

Thank you for managing to stick around during some of my crazy times. I know it probably isn't fun to watch my crazy train derail every other day, but having the opportunity to vent like I have, and to get your support, really does help me. Every day I feel the love, or the gentle kick in the ass, that I need. I appreciate your patience while I work to get back to some more regularly scheduled programing.

Overwhelmed... Again.

2011-08-17T16:21:00.001-07:00

My life is a crazy train. Currently we are:

*Trying to sell our rental house. We need to get our from underneath the extra expense. This is requiring all kinds of documents and contact from my agent. Almost nightly I am printing up documents, making copies, and faxing them back. The best part - I don't have a working printer. Thank goodness for friends and the new Staples in town. Ridiculousness.

*Work is a madhouse. I am working at about 1.5 peoples jobs right now. I literally am multitasking from the time I sit down until I leave at the end of the day. Yesterday I went almost 10 hours without even visiting the bathroom. I was even one of those crazy office cartoons where someone is writing an email, answering the phone, closing drawers with her feet, etc. NUTS! It is also starting to be the busy season for my volunteer work. I don't get paid to chair our volunteer committee, but it the best part of my job. Unfortunately starting this time of year it takes up more of my time. Right now that equals 10+ hour days.

Those two things are enough. They fill up an entire day. It leaves enough time to eat dinner, shower, and give me about 6.5 hours sleep (even though I'm an 8+ hours a night kinda gal). It is all of the things going undone that are piling up around me.

*Projects I want to tackle at work
*Office/Guest bedroom choas - disorganization and piles are everywhere
*My house has barely been cleaned in weeks. Poor Jeremy has been getting us by these last couple weeks
*There is hardly anything edible in my refrigerator. Not great considering I've got no time to plan ahead for healthy meals.
*The dogs are months overdue for a vet visit and they both need it. Little Lacey is still a poo eater ::GAG::
*My ultrasound appointment last Friday? I simply FORGOT IT. I have never done that before. I even mentioned it here the night before. Just completely slipped my mind.
*Pictures on my camera are sitting there unedited and haven't been distributed
*The gym - folks, I've gained 10 lbs and am bitter as hell about it. 10lbs and no babe to show for it. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has REgained weight for a baby she didn't get to keep.

And frankly, I've forgotten the rest. Dusting around the ceiling? Maybe next spring. Laundry? Smells fine, isn't wrinkled = clean!

I need to seriously get my shit together. J has been fantastic. Really truly wonderful. He is picking up my slack and then some. I'm not worthy.

I know my motivation is in there somewhere. I know that I'm capable of doing more to get us through. I mean - look at me - I've been sitting here for 10 minutes bitching about it when I could be scrubbing a toilet. But going at 110mph for 18 hours a day is for the birds. I need a maid and an assistant.

Know anyone that wants to work for free?

Yesterday Was Good

2011-08-15T05:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I really felt like me. With the exception of a few crampy or painful moments, I felt more like myself than I have in weeks.

We hung out with our friends all day. We drove up into the mountains with the dogs and spent the afternoon. The dogs swam in the pond and chased each other around. I taught my girlfriend to drive the quad and we shot guns. Didn't know I had that much redneck in me, did you?

Let me tell you, shooting was phenomenal therapy. I picked up a rifle for the first time and I felt back on top of the world when I hit the target with the first shot. Especially when the boys hollared. Doing something better than the boys just does something for a competitive girls ego.

We went for ice cream, chatted on the long drive and in general kept things off my mind.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

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life is continuing.

2011-08-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

There are still all of these expectaions. Work is coming in like crazy. My floors are disgusting. Bills still come in and need paying. Dogs need to eat.

The expectations and demands on me haven't changed.

But I have. I've had this major thing happen to me. My dreams were answered and taken away from me in the same month. In a way, my life changed. But now, while I've physically changed back, but my mind can't go back to being the same as it once was. Not yet anyway.

Not to mention, I have no desire or motivation to do those things. I've struggled the last couple of days. I feel like I am only operating at half capacity, but the world didn't seem to get the memo. Add to that my lack of motivation an desire to go through those motions and maybe I'm really only operating at a quarter capacity. Needless to say I've been feeling guilty, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

There are too many things going on at once and I would really appreciate a break. I dream of unplugging the phone, hiring a maid to work for three days straight, ordering a weeks worth of prepped meals, paying a personal assistant to see to the mail checking and bill paying, and crawling in bed next to my husband for a week.

Instead, I will take tonight off. Tomorrow I will make a checklist and see to checking at least one thing off each day. One step and one day at a time.

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Almost Done?

2011-08-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what's going on inside, but it appears I might almost be through the physical part of this miscarriage. I have an ultrasound this evening to be certain.

Wednesday night was horrible. I barely slept and spent the majority of the night in the bathroom. I was really grateful the on-call doc a few weeks ago called me in a prescription for pain medicine. I avoid taking them as much as possible, but it really helped take the edge off Wednesday night. There was a lot of pressure, aching, and that odd feeling to 'push' I've heard described before. A significant amount of blood (nothing I ever felt was dangerous) and a lot of tissue and clotting.

When I did get to lay down I couldn't get comfortable or sleep. Add to that I was afraid I would disrupt J even more. Every time he was conscious of me getting in/out of bed he would wake up, sit up, and ask me if I was okay, made sure I had my heating pad, etc. The poor guy had to work before dawn the next morning. After the meds kicked in late in the night (2:30 a.m. or so?) I wrapped myself in blankets and rested on the couch. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep.

There is still some bleeding, but it has gone down significantly since yesterday morning and Wednesday night. It was then that I'm fairly sure I passed the bulk of tissues. (sorry again for those that are sensitive...) I'm positive that I passed the sac. I was (irrationally?) afraid that I would see something that I could recognize. I wasn't sure how I would handle that. Thankfully, while this mass was certainly different looking and larger, it was nothing terrifying. For those curious, it was between the size of a cotton ball and a golf ball, if I had to guess. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but I was not further traumatized.

J is really ready to try again. He's convinced we'll get pregnant really quickly after this. In fact, he doesn't want to pick immediately back up at Seattle Reproductive. I agreed to wait a cycle before we went back, but I fear that he's getting his hopes up and has unrealistic expectations. I hate the idea that he could be disappointed again. We had a chat about it last night, but I'm not sure I swayed him. He's always so optimistic. It's one of the things I love about him.

Fingers are crossed that I'm on the downward slope. I'm ready to take steps to move forward. Ready and waiting.

Beginning of the End

2011-08-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

Aren't you glad you come here for all of this uplifting and inspirational discussion?

Yesterday I gave you a little vent about how it was only Tuesday and it was amounting to a craptastic week. I had planned to go to bed early and forget it all happened. Remember that? Cause I barely do.

Instead, my miscarriage is starting. (for those sensitive to this topic, you may want to skip today's update. My feelings won't be hurt)

I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about the whole thing, because I knew it was coming. Somehow it is still managing to sweep me off my feet.

I originally started to type out all of the details, but really I don't think you want to hear all of the steps regarding its progression. I'm not certain where I am in the process. I haven't had any copious amount of bleeding, but I'm definitely not comfortable. I've also passed some tissue.

Also, I'm not really sure yet how I'm feeling. Numb might be the best way to describe it. Maybe that's because this has been coming on for so long? Who knows... I don't really feel like talking too much about it.

My best friend just saw her baby's heartbeat for the first time today. The last thing I want to do is put it out there and rain on her beautiful parade. She's already so worried about hurting me. I think that may be one of the hardest parts - watching your family and friends walk on eggshells around you. Not sure when to call or what to say.

Mostly, I just feel like being alone. Snuggled on the sofa in my sweatpants. Maybe mindlessly zoning out to Pinterest?

This wasn't a very cohesive or well organized post. I'm sorry, but I guess that's where I am right now. Thank you again and again for your positivity and prayers. Lots of love and hugs for each of you.

A rough week.

2011-08-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy and hellish week at work already. Only two days down and I am exhausted.

I came home to a bill today. Apparently my insurance doesn't want to pay for about half of my acupuncture visits. Of course they only do not want to cover the ones where 'Infertility' was listed as my primary complaint. Even if I was also being seen for headaches, stress, or another 'legitimate' health issue, if it isn't in the #1 box, they don't want to pay it.

I called the clinic and she is going to see what she can do about a few of them. She suggested I write my concerns down and send her an email as this would be good reference when she spoke with my acupuncturist as well. That period of time was supposed to be about improving my overall health (managing stress, eliminating tension/pain, losing weight, etc). The fertility benefits were supposed to be fringe. But, because we talked about it and he made notes in my chart, I might be screwed.

This is very irritating. If I get 12 acupuncture or massage visits with my insurance, why can't I just use them for whatever the hell I want?? Why should it matter? I'm sorry that some of my concerns are not legitimate enough for you. Punks.

My spotting also kicked up a notch today. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can call it that anymore. Light bleeding? Hell, I don't know what to call it. But, I do know that I've cramped off and on today. And in general I'm feeling like a sluggish lump with too much to do and zero motivation to do it.

Part of me appreciates being incredibly busy at work. So swamped that I cannot slow down and think about any of it. But the other part is now coming home mentally exhausted in addition to the emotionally exhausted and none of that equals getting anything productive done. But I figure the dogs are fed, we're fed, and the house hasn't burnt down. Yet. So, if the vacuuming only gets done once this week we are not going to die. Let's just hope that I start to get back with the program.

I vote that I kiss this crappy day good night and hit the hay early. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. Perhaps before I go to bed I will make a checklist of all that I need to accomplish. It'll probably look depressing, but at least I'll know where to start when I'm ready to ditch this funk. Sound like a good plan to you?

Good. I appreciate you having my back.

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Dreams

2011-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Lasts night dream was beautiful and it broke my heart, all at the same time.

J and I had our baby, she was just born the week before (although in part of the dream I was getting her to repeat what I said, 'I love you, Mama' - she was about a year... weird dream logic!). We had taken her to my grandmothers to meet her. My cousins and aunt and uncle were there. We spent our visit sitting around chatting.

At one point our daughter had tottered out the back door and I had to chase her down (see, weird timewarp again). My grandma gave me a hard time that I was already getting my payback since I was such a stinker too. I remember trying to call after her as I got up and not being able to come up with her name. It was like we hadn't decided on it yet. I caught her, gave her tickles and she laughed and laughed. This is where I got her to say, 'I love you, Mama.'

At the end of our visit, I was sitting with my grandma and got up to get the baby. She was in the rec room. My grandpa had put her to sleep and was snuggling her all wrapped up and ready to go home. (My grandpa passed away in 2004.) He hugged me, my grandma was teary eyed and we left the house.

I don't remember anything else, I'm not sure if I woke up...

It was beautiful to see Jeremy with our little girl. It was amazing to see my grandpa doting on our daughter. To have my cousins give me advice. I can remember tucking her warm little body into the carseat. It was an opportunity to 'see' something I'll not get to experience in real life, since my grandfather is no longer with us.

But it breaks my heart to know we're starting over. To know that I will never see my daughter meet her funny great grandpa. That she will never actually squeal and run through the kitchen to get away after grandpa says, 'I'm gonna get you!' But, I guess you never know. Maybe they're playing chase up there right now.

I miss you grandpa. Take care of her for us.

Up, But Not Enough.

2011-08-05T17:18:00.001-07:00

Of course I cannot do anything the easy way. My betas were up, but not enough.

Thursday, 7/28 - 12,294
Wednesday, 8/3 - 12,935

In a week I should have seen those numbers double. I'm afraid Doc Oc was right - while we've seen progress in the scans, this doesn't appear to be a healthy developing pregnancy.

My next ultrasound is Friday, 8/12.

I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I'm crushed. I allowed my hope to crawl back up there only to get kicked off the ladder again. I feel horrible and guilty for feeling this way, but another small part of me is relieved. Don't confuse this - I am not relieved not to have a healthy Sprout. (double negatives anyone?) But, I am relieved to be finding some resolution and to step away from this crazy roller coaster.

Sprout has received an early promotion. He/She is going to be up there in the clouds, scouting all of the other babies. Finding us the perfect one. A sticky, healthy, chubby baby meant only for us. As soon as he/she is found, I know Sprout will send them to us. Sprout the Scout. I like that.

Our Sprout is a fighter. Clawing and battling all the way. I'm proud of my little Sprout for giving it all he/she had to give. Keeping that doctor, and his/her mama and daddy, on their toes. It's how I know that baby was mine - scrappy and stubborn as hell.

No Update.

2011-08-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am furious. How can the doctors office NOT CALL? Don't they know I've been sitting around petrified for 24hours?

My nurse is usually really on top of things. The first appointments at the office are at 9:00am and she usually calls me right around 8:30. This morning? Nothin. Turns out it's a different nurse Thursday and Friday. I decide to give them until my lunch time.

11:30 rolls around and my phone has rang 1,000 times, but not once has it been their office.

I call and let the receptionist know that I'm waiting on test results and I haven't heard back. She said that the nurse was on the phone, but she would have her call me.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Two hours roll by and I've lost my patience. I call again, get the same receptionist and tell her I still haven't heard. She places me on hold for what feels like forever before she comes back to let me know that they are waiting for my doctor to view the results.

What the hell, doc? Get with the fricken program!

Apparently the results were sent to him to review before being released to my chart where the nurse could get them and call me. This is a first. Of course my mind is now going 1,000 mph wondering what it all means. Is that a good thing? Did they go up, which we were expecting, and now he's spending time piecing it together? Or did they go down and he is putting off calling me with bad news? What does it all mean??

It is now almost 6:00 p.m. and the office is closed. That means no phone call for me today. No update. No results. Only nausea (nerves? pregnancy? here I go again...) and anger.

Inconclusive. Again.

2011-08-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

"Are you fricken kidding me right now?" - is exactly what I said when Doc Oc told me that it wasn't conclusive.

I'll start at the beginning so that you can catch up. I have a hard time following it myself and I was there. Physically anyway.

I dropped my pants and hopped up on the table, spread eagle like a champ and braced myself for my weekly date with the dildo cam. With Jeremy by my side Doc Oc starts rooting around and I immediately see the yolk sac that they mentioned last week. Seeing it live I could instantly see that it was different than the basically empty black orb we saw in our first ultrasound. He pointed out that he could even see the fetal pole. We compare that image with the ones from last week and could see with our eyes that things have changed. The measurements he took confirmed growth in both the yolk and the gestational sacs. Those were the positives.

The down side is that nothing is adding up. Knowing I have PCOS makes my ovulation date a bitch to track. Impossible is more like it since I was doing nothing to track it. Based on the measurements he is guessing about 5 1/2 - 6 weeks gestation. That makes things technically possible but damn close. But, he is 95% positive we're not looking at a healthy pregnancy. The spotting is certainly discouraging. It could be nothing, but I sure would like it to go away. I'm not even sure how I could get my BFP on 7/4 and just now be measuring 5 1/2 weeks. The whole calculating gestation thing gives me a tension headache.

What do we do now? Well, we are scheduling yet another ultrasound for next Thursday. I got yet another blood draw and betas will be available tomorrow. Doc Oc says that based on the measurements and images we saw today, that in a normal healthy pregnancy we should see significant growth (double in size?) and a heartbeat next week. Now that would be the definitive answer I'm looking for.

How on God's green earth can we STILL not have answers?! This is crazy. Progress, but not normal. Beta's fall, but they go back up.

Jeremy and I decided that after that debacle we deserved to be treated to dinner. We even bought ourselves a consolation prize - AKA an ice cream sundae. Because you know what this whole mess is?

A mindfuck.

Up and Down

2011-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Every day, hour, minute I switch between hopeful and scared. I spend my time analyzing every twinge. I've been trying to keep myself distracted and focus on other things. Frankly, I'm not very good at it.

I've spotted off and on which is never fun to see.

I analyze and over analyze everything. Do I feel gross because I'm pregnant? Miscarrying? Gas?

Basically, the roller coaster continues it's up and down, up and down.

Neither of us have a gut feeling what tomorrow will bring. Of course, we know what we want. We know what we're praying for. J and I are both really hoping for answers tomorrow. Something definitive so that we can stop this torture.

Thank you again and again for your thoughts and prayers.

The Roller Coaster That is My Life.

2011-08-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I've never been one to do anything the easy way. Why would my 'miscarriage' be any different??

Why the annoying little quotes? Let me back up a step, or five.

Last week left us here. With a beta of 8406. I spent the week mourning the loss of our sweet Sprout. I spoke with my nurse and a couple of doctors about our next steps. The game plan was to continue to get my betas done on a weekly basis to ensure I was working my way back down to zero in a timely and orderly fashion. Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

I was supposed to go on Friday, but I decided to get my blood drawn Thursday night instead. As you know from my last post I was flying the coop for the weekend and I wanted to get my results Friday morning before I set off for my wine filled, sunshiney, extravaganza.

I only had to work a half day, so I was headed to my car at 11:00am when my doctors office number showed up on my caller id. Nicely timed. I can wrap this little piece up and get-to-gettin'. HA!

12,294

WHISKEYTANGOFOXTROT

Last time I checked, 12,000 something is a LOT higher than 8,000 something. Not lower. Yeah folks, that's right, my betas went up. A lot. Now I am at a complete loss for words and my nurse, the sweet woman that she is says that she just plain doesn't have an explanation. But the good doctor did want me to get in right away to scope things out.

An hour later and me and my good pal the Dildo Cam we bumpin uglies on the exam table. I couldn't actually get in at my doctors office, so she sent me to see a radiologist at the lab next door. Since she isn't my doc they cannot give me the results. I did get to sneak a few peeks at the screen though, and with my advanced ultrasound skills I could see that things were different. Different how, I'm not sure (okay, so I'm not that advanced).

I had to wait FOREVER for my nurse to call me back (it was about 15 minutes) to tell me what in the hell I was in for. They saw the sac again, but the reason the sac looked different was that this time, there was a yolk.

Dudes and dudettes, there has been progress since last week. Insert my panic attack, hyperventilation, and utter dumbfoundedness. My nurse could not confirm my state (she isn't allowed), but she was very clear that I needed to drink plenty of fluids, I was on pelvic rest, I should take it very easy, do no heavy lifting, and absolutely take my prenatal vitamin.

Needless to say my weekend was not wine-filled.

There are no guarantees in this life. But thankfully we only have to wait until Wednesday to get another peek and see what in the hell is going on down there. I did have a bit of spotting last night. The first wipe was pretty dark red (sorry TMI), but it's been brown ever since. So, you just never know. I have no idea how this could be possible. I have no idea if Sprout (now renamed by its Aunties, 'Ninja') is still with us, but we're praying harder than ever.

I'm ready for definitive answers. If this is over, I need to know. If it isn't over? I want to be enjoying this time.

If you happen to have a spare prayer laying around, we are currently accepting donations.

Getting out of Dodge

2011-07-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

My and my girlfriends are running away this weekend. We're headed to Eastern Washington to spend the weekend at the lake. There will be sunshine, good chats, sunshine, a good book, sunshine, and fun times.

Part of me wants to call the whole thing off, crawl under a blanket on my sofa and not leave until Monday morning. The other, thankfully greater part, is really looking forward to a weekend full of distraction.

My bags are packed, the beach bag is filled with beach towels, battery powered iPod dock, my floppy hat, and the floaty cooler. Yes, I will be floating on the lake, with a cooler by my side. I will pause for a moment of silence while you're jealous of my cooler. (hey, a girls got to celebrate her few joys in life.)

Thank you again for all of your love and encouraging words.

See you next week!

Moving Forward

2011-07-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

As I've told my pals when they check in, I'm getting better - a small fraction each day.

I took yesterday off and spent the day with Jeremy. We vegged, went to Costco and generally took it easy. I had a great conversation with my boss on the phone yesterday and again today when I got back to the office. She's been through a miscarriage herself and told me a bit about their journey to have babes (she has three boys). It felt really good to have this chat and not break down. Score one for me.

While I am getting my shit together emotionally (for the most part - I still choke up when J checks in via phone and asks how I'm doing. Something about him not being by my side and that voice of his, it kills me every time) I am still very nervous for the actual miscarriage. I not even started spotting yet. I did spend most of the day nauseous and with other tummy troubles - but, I'll spare you the details. I'm not certain if I have a bug or if this is just the beginning of the end. I've tried drinking more water, I ate just in case I was hungry, nothin'. Even more than the physical pain is the emotional pain I fear. The realization that will hit all over again when the miscarriage actually starts.

I pray this goes smoothly. That it isn't long and drawn out. That I can get some peace.

My heart still aches when I think about what should have been. How unfair the whole world can be. But, I am working not to lose my hope. To focus on only to positives, no matter how much of a stretch they may be.

It's just one step at a time, one day at a time.

This Shit Sucks.

2011-07-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

This whole stupid process sucks.

One day you're picking out the crib your mom says she'd like to buy you as a gift. Two days later you're staring at your chart online wondering how on earth your betas could be cut in half in those same two days. You get that same cut-in-half feeling in your heart when you look up at your husband and tell him its officially over.

The same husband you've seen play with your niece and run around with your friends kids. Seen idolized by the neighbor boy. The same one that holds you now as your cry, while he holds back his own tears so that he can be strong for you.

It's not fair.

It sucks.

To hear the pity in the words of those that try to console you. To read the words of people with good intentions, but without the most vague understanding of what you're going through. Who's tone in their voice and written words sting more because you know they're trying to help, but really now you just feel more guilt that more people feel bad.

I do feel loved. Each of you that has reached out to us, the messages I've received about understanding what we're going through, the love and the prayers... Those do make a difference. Some break my heart because what we're going through is unfortunately common. I hate that so many others suffer too. I pray that Sprout is up there now looking after all of your babies yet to be born and coaching them from the stands.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact we got pregnant at all. Trying to remind myself that Sprout wasn't healthy and this isn't a pregnancy or a child that would have been happy. That it isn't over for us and we can try again. And intellectually I understand all of those things. But it doesn't change the anger and the pain one bit.

All of this sucks.

The extra 4lbs I now have, of mostly bloat (I hope), and nothing to show for it.
My pizza face, which is now extra pizza like.
The cramping that started today.
Putting away the baby gift we received so that I don't have to see it sitting in what would have been the nursery.
Jeremy handing me the onesie I gave him the day we found out so that I can put it away too.
Telling our friends, who were so excited for us, that they're no longer going to be aunts and uncles.
Hearing my mom hold back her own tears so that she doesn't upset me further.
Going from celebrating with the other women you know that are also newly pregnant, to being scared of what it will be like to watch their healthy children grow and be born.
Putting away the sketches I'd made of nursery plans.
Not knowing what to do with the books on pregnancy I've been given. Do I keep them for 'someday' or give them back?
Looking at the anniversary card J gave me on Tuesday. The one addressed to Sweetpea +1. The same one where inside he wrote how excited he was to have our baby.
Being scared of what miscarrying will be like.
Thinking of how I will explain this to my boss.
Starting over.

I'm pissed and my heart is broken. I'm torn between wanting to give up for fear of ever having to feel this way again and not wanting to let whatever force in the universe it is that causes this pain win. But why me? What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? What did J do to have to suffer through all of this? Why us? Isn't there some crack head or woman on welfare that already has 14 kids you can pick on? We're good people. After 10 years we're closer than we've ever been and still madly in love. And even after only 7 weeks we loved our baby.

It's Over.

2011-07-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

I finally broke down and called. Of course two minutes later I get an email saying my results are available.

My beta was 8406.

It is over for us.

I am in a bit of a state of shock. I appreciate your prayers. I am trying to find solace in the fact that we got pregnant at all. We can do it. But for now I'm devastated. To go from the highest of highs to this is... well I can't quite describe it.

Now I get to call my mom. Disappointing your parents never stops hurting.

Waiting.

2011-07-23T09:12:00.001-07:00

The waiting game never ends.

I have an update to give and I'm trying to stay positive while I give it.

After our little bleeding episode we had my blood checked to see whether or not I was RH-. We know from my last update that I am not. That was good news. The other information my nurse call to tell me was that they also ran my beta's again (I didn't know they were going to) and it was 14,100. The night before (about 12 hours earlier when we were in for the bleed) I was 14,600.

The nurse talked to me and said it could be a lot of things - a random swing in hormone levels, a vanishing twin, or miscarriage. Needless to say, I had a royal panic attack. I'm talking snotty ugly cry with a side of hyperventilation for good measure. Not my finest moment. Friday morning I had calmed down a good deal. All hope was certainly not lost and for Sprout's sake, I needed to stay positive.

Somehow I survived a (thankfully busy) work day and we decided to try to go into the doctors office a bit early and see if we could get fit in. They got us in right away. We did my vitals and she went to grab Doc Oc for an ultrasound. Feet in the stirrups, my old friend the Dildo Cam and I got familiar again.

Immediately Doc Oc saw what he thought were two sacs. As we continued to move around it appeared that the 'second sac' was more than likely not a sac, but a subchorionic hemorrhage. It most likely was caused by the implanting of the placenta. Unfortunately we couldn't tell if it was the 'second sac' we thought we saw or if it was blocking our view.

The first sac measured about 5 1/2 weeks. He mentioned that sac measurements are not the greatest to base gestation off of because they can vary so wildly. Unfortunately there wasn't anything else to see and measure. It was one of two things - 1. it is too early to see anything in which case I need to come back in a week - or 2. there isn't anything to see.

Doc Oc said that my beta rise was very classic and healthy and that the stall (the numbers didn't dip enough to be considered a drop) we saw isn't unheard of, especially in the vanishing twin scenario. But, unfortunately, that doesn't leave us with a conclusive answer. We decided to do another beta. I should have the results today.

If the numbers increase, my next u/s is 8/1. If they decline... well then we discuss next steps and a miscarriage.

Now, we're just waiting for the phone to ring. Again.

Jeremy and I are not typically the formal praying type, but last night as we laid down to sleep, we held hands, placed them on my tummy and prayed with Sprout. Prayed that he/she is in there growing and thriving. Should you have a prayer or positive thought, please send them Sprout's way.

Welcome to July ICLW!

2011-07-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

I decided July would be the month that I rejoined ICLW. Assuming we'd be back in the saddle with trying to conceive. Little did I know that the day after I threw my name in the hat, we would get our first positive pregnancy test.

Do you know how many of those little things I peed on before I got one to give me two lines? I've peed on a lot of things, let me tell you, but that was the best one yet.

Something did surprise me after getting our BFP, I have no desire to pee on anything else. While TTC I thought for sure I would want to rush out and get the Costco pack of pregnancy tests, a digital, and a supersized Sunny Delight, ala Juno and make a whole afternoon out of peeing on stick after stick. Nope. I peed on one and I'm happy as a clam.

I've digressed a bit, but for those that aren't first time visitors, you know that happens. A lot.

A bit about us for those that are new 'round these parts. Jeremy (Commonly 'J' on this blog) and I had our first date 10 years and 1 day ago. Fun fact, right? We were married 3 years and 2 days ago (even funner fact) and shortly after began our journey to spawn. Shortly after starting I knew things weren't right with my ladybits. Very irregular cycles, charting was a disaster, and my periods were very heavy and painful. That first year was the worst of the emotional roller coaster.

We saw Doc Oc (no, seriously, he looks like a dead ringer for the Spiderman villain) for just under a year before I was unceremoniously dumped. I was determined to be Clomid resistant (after about 4 cycles) and only sporadically responded to Femara. It was after that lovely little journey that J and I decided we needed a break. It was August 2010 and we decided we'd revisit this at the beginning of the year.

January came and went and we knew we still weren't ready to devote the time necessary to tackle TTC again. Besides, we were planning our Vacation Of A Lifetime. We agreed that when we returned home from that adventure, we would see a doctor at Seattle Reproductive Medicine, just as Doc Oc suggested.

Our trip was amazing. We spent 13 days exploring England and Ireland. Eating delicious food, drinking beer daily, making friends, and exploring the sights. We spent quality time together (except for the story about when I was driving in Ireland and we almost got divorced. word of advice: driving on the left side of the road will test the limits of your marriage. amen. good night.) and at the end of the two weeks we were nowhere near ready to come home.

Come home we did and the next week we met Dr. K and she was awesome. We talked in detail about PCOS, my history, what we'd tried, and developed a game plan that the three of us were comfortable with. Step One of this plan involved me getting on Metformin. The next week I dutifully started taking my meds. I was instructed to ramp up my dose each week until I was at the full dosage. Another piece of Infertile Wisdom - Met sucks. My tummy will never be the same, I'm sure of it.

My period 'should have arrived' (us PCOS folks know that is date not easily pinned down) on or about the first of July. That brings us to the Fourth of July. We'd made the rounds to see our family and had returned home. It was a work night for us, so I went upstairs and started getting cleaned up and ready for bed. I knew I had a pee stick under the sink and when you get the hankerin to pee on something, that's a hard vibe to shake.

My thoughts were 'I might as well use it up'. Use it up I did, not two minutes later there were two cute little pink lines.

I opened up the bathroom window and hollered into the backyard for Jeremy to get his butt upstairs that instant. He thought for sure I'd lost a limb or at least seen a spider. I will never forget the look on his face when I showed him that test and wished him a Happy 4th of July.

Feel free to peruse my past entries. If you have any questions for me, I would be more than happy to answer them. I recently came out of the proverbial blogger closet, so this is actually my first ICLW where you all get to 'meet me'. I'm a fairly open book, so if there is anything you want to know - just ask!

Welcome to ICLW everyone!