Welcome to October ICLW!

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Working on a better me.

Today wasn't the first time I've had someone say that I'm too hard on myself. Frankly, I've heard it a lot... basically all my life. And I completely understand that there are times that the expectations I hold for myself are unrealistic. Intellectually I understand that anyway, but emotionally... that's different. There are just some days, typically the unproductive kind that don't go so well, that I just feel bogged down. Like one of those running dreams. The kind where you are trying to get away from the bad guy/monster/alligator (don't ask) and no matter how hard you try, you're running in slow motion? That's the way I've felt recently. The wheels are spinning, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Another problem I have is my complete and utter lack of patience. Welcome to the last three years of my blog.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this today. And honestly it isn't the first time I've done some reflection on the topic. I know that I am going through a rough time. And while things physically may be wrapping up, I have a whole host of issues that still need dealing with... clearly. But, I don't want to be in that place. Two months ago I had found my groove. I was genuinely happy with my life and that just got turned upside down. I want it back and I want it back now. I don't want to wait to feel good again. To feel happiness, both with my life and with myself. Right now, my life is chaos and I spend most days feeling sorry for myself. A complete 180 in less than 60 days. Do I at least get a land speed record?

When I was home last week and watching some awesome (NOT) daytime television, I was given an interesting theory to ponder. Our home and surroundings are a direct reflection of how we feel and where we are in our life. Folks, if you came to my house right now, you'd know I was a hot mess.

Part of what I can't get a handle on is the whole chicken or the egg idea. Do I give myself the time to emotionally straighten myself out and then naturally I will have time for things like scrubbing my toilet? Or do I start to carve out time to physically get my world in order to make myself more emotionally sound? Since I cannot control the length of time it will take for me to get my emotional train back on track, I feel that getting my physical space in order is the best path. Except, I don't have time! Hence yesterdays frustration.

Now that I was able to do my venting and get it out there I can come back to reality and make a plan. One day at a time I can do something small to get me there. Luckily I am not alone in this world. I have wonderful support. I have a husband who is really picking up the slack and with some additional direction could be helping me rein in this craziness. I have the best friends. Friends that are willing to help me keep on track with re-losing the weight. To focus again on a healthy lifestyle and walk that road right along with me.

Something I really need to do, for my sanity, is purge. I've talked about this before and even got started on smaller projects. I think my first task is going to be to spend at least 30 minutes in one room, each day, until I've completed the whole house. That 30 minutes will be dedicated not to cleaning, but to getting rid of stuff. I will throw away things that have been broken or set aside, collect things for donation, and perhaps start a garage sale box. I feel like this is a manageable first step to simplifying my life. Clutter be gone!

Once I have cleaned out my space, the next step will be to clean it up. We'll tackle that another day. Now, who wants to help me convince my husband that he doesn't need the early 90's neon biking jacket that is still hanging on his side of the closet? This is going to be an adventure...

I really hope that making this a priority will help me regain my sanity. It can't hurt, right? Because I don't know when my heart will feel whole again. When I will make it a full day without a moment of sadness. When I'll be ready to jump back on that TTC horse again. But I guess we cannot wake up every day and say, "Am I ready yet??" I know that day will come when it comes. And when it does, I hope that my efforts to revamp my life will make me feel that much more prepared.


Thank you for managing to stick around during some of my crazy times. I know it probably isn't fun to watch my crazy train derail every other day, but having the opportunity to vent like I have, and to get your support, really does help me. Every day I feel the love, or the gentle kick in the ass, that I need. I appreciate your patience while I work to get back to some more regularly scheduled programing.

ABC's of Me

To prevent myself from neglecting my blog too much, I decide to borrow this idea from Josey.

(A) Age: 26

(B) Bed Size: Queen. J and I love our bed. I don't know that I'd ever get a king. As it is, we snuggle from the time we fall asleep, until we wake up. If we've fallen apart in the night, and one of us wakes up, we come back together.

(C) Chore You Hate: Laundry. Especially folding it!

(D) Dogs? 2 - Lacey our beautiful 1yo yellow lab; and Harley - our sweet 7yo chocolate lab

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Breakfast. And a hairdryer.

(F) Favorite Color: I'm in a bit of an orange phase. But a love green too.

(G) Gold or Silver? Silver. Or white gold.

(H) Height: 5'7"

(I) Instruments You Play: I played the saxophone in elementary school, does that count? lol I can play some basic songs on the piano and otherwise jam out in my car or dance around the house and sing with J (we're always making up our own words)

(J) Job Title: Manager

(K) Kids: Someday.

(L) Live: The great Pacific Northwest (Seattle area)

(M) Mom's Name: Diana

(N) Nicknames: Sweetpea is my favorite.

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Nope.

(P) Pet Peeve: Socks with sandals, hanging 'stinky trees' in your rear view mirror, and interrupting

(Q) Quote from a Movie: "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!" Finding Nemo

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: 1 sister

(T) Time You Wake Up? 3:50am (yes, I can hear you groan)

(U) Underwear: There was a line of no-line thongs from Tarjay that I loved, but they don't carry them anymore. Now it is mostly VS underoos for this girl.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I can't think of one. I even googled a list of veggies, to see what I could find. I'm sure there is something...

(W) What Makes You Run Late: Hardly anything. I feel like I'm always early. Oh, when we have to get dressed up to go out, I can run late. Usually because my hair won't hold a curl, or I have to iron J's shirts.

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Tons. Wrist (at least twice), fingers, my ankle (at least a half dozen times)...

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: My lasagna, chili, and meatloaf are delish!

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: I love the African animals at the zoo - lions, zebras, giraffe, etc.

Feel free to play along!

Weigh in and check up are today. McSkinny Friday will have the results. Fingers are crossed!