How do you know the difference? The past six weeks have been wrought with frustration. Mostly surrounding breast feeding. There are been a few other hiccups that come with having a new baby - figuring out why she's crying, dealing with a lack of sleep, her scare spit-up episode...
The first few weeks I was definitely emotional, would cry at the drop of a hat, and simply exhausted. I was recovering too. Most everything I read says the blues should be gone by now, but I still feel them most days. Most of the time I don't care to get dressed (hellllo yoga pants - again) and it's all I can do to make sure I at least brush my teeth. I've only really left the house for doctors appointments. But, I don't really have any desire to socialize either - going out feels like A LOT of work.
There are times that the extra pumping/breast feeding problems really weigh on me. Living in such restrictive three hour cycles is making me a little nutty. Especially at night, because our routine takes at least an hour of that three hour cycle, so our sleep is really impacted.
Money is really tight for us right now. We just got rid of our rental property and do to so we basically emptied our sizable savings. That stress is added on top of all of the rest because we're facing the added cost of childcare expenses. A friend of ours is helping us out the first few weeks, but not for nearly as long as I'd originally been planning for.
There are some days, honestly, that Lily would already be on formula if it wasn't for the cost. I'm continuing this fight firstly because I know it is what is best for her. If I can get through this rough patch it will mean giving my baby the best start possible. But, on those really hard days when I want to say 'Screw it! I was formula fed and I'm FINE!' the added cost plays a part too. I have to go back to work in a month. I need to work out my breast feeding issues because I want to start building a freezer supply.
There is an ongoing pity party in my mind too. WHY must everything be so difficult? Why did it take me almost 4 years to meet our baby? Why did I have to be the one with the two and a half day labor? Why did I get mastitis and thrush at the same time? Why do I now have problem breast feeding? Couple the pity party with the other stresses in my life and some days I just want to quit.
How do I know the difference? Do I wait for my six weeks appt, or see my doc now? Really, I hope it passes because I do not want another thing to keep me from relaxing and enjoying our baby.
But instead, like right now, I am going to stop what I'm doing and go hold my baby - she just woke up. The rest will just have to sort itself out.
Showing posts with label Vent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vent. Show all posts
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Breastfeeding Woes Continue...
My left nipple is still giving me grief. I have a large crater in the center and Lily latching on is excruciating. I called the lactation consultant yesterday and today they fit me in. I did a bit of homework last night and watched a few videos (search for Jack Newman - a canadian doc and good resource for breastfeeding info). I noticed that Lily wasn't sucking like the babies in the video and that got me looking into my letdown.
At my appointment today I learned I was on the right track. What started with my Mastitis and then the resulting pain/stress, has resulted in a huge drop in my supply.
Awesome.
She watched Lily latch on both nipples and on each she really chomped down in frustration when I wasn't letting down for her. It was her level of aggression that contributed to my being put on 'nipple rest'. It isn't the ideal situation when working to build up supply, but what are you going to do? My nipple simply won't heal.
We've got a good game plan that involves pumping, fenugreek, ointment, and a lot of time topless - all for at least the next 48 hours. Here's the plan:
I will feed Lily what I pumped the prior session and supplement whatever is lacking (thankfully I have a friend who has donated us her breast milk, so I no longer have to do formula - which Lily only got at two feedings)
I will then pump again (both breasts) for the next feeding.
After pumping I will apply a mixture of triple antibiotic ointment and lotrimin (anti-fungal) 4x a day
Every hour I will rub my nipples with breastmilk
Fenugreek 3x a day
Tonight will be an interesting, and probably long, night. It's a lot of work to feed her, put her back down, pump, clean up, etc, etc. But, we will do what we have to do until we're healed up and build our supply. Once my nipples have healed we will hopefully be able to ditch the exclusive pump and get back to building supply with nursing.
Tomorrow, even though I cannot nurse her, Lily and I are going to spend the whole day in bed. Her in her diaper, me topless, and we're going to snuggle and rest, drinking tons of fluids.
I am so frustrated. I was so sad to have to give my baby a bottle of formula at the consultants office. But mostly, I feel good about the plan. I am just pissed as hell that nothing can go smoothly. Why must we hit these speed bumps at every turn? I'd like to pass through one thing without hiccups. Getting pregnant, pregnancy, labor, breast feeding... everything has been so damn hard.
But for now, I just need to get through it. And now, it's time to pump. Here we go again...
At my appointment today I learned I was on the right track. What started with my Mastitis and then the resulting pain/stress, has resulted in a huge drop in my supply.
Awesome.
She watched Lily latch on both nipples and on each she really chomped down in frustration when I wasn't letting down for her. It was her level of aggression that contributed to my being put on 'nipple rest'. It isn't the ideal situation when working to build up supply, but what are you going to do? My nipple simply won't heal.
We've got a good game plan that involves pumping, fenugreek, ointment, and a lot of time topless - all for at least the next 48 hours. Here's the plan:
I will feed Lily what I pumped the prior session and supplement whatever is lacking (thankfully I have a friend who has donated us her breast milk, so I no longer have to do formula - which Lily only got at two feedings)
I will then pump again (both breasts) for the next feeding.
After pumping I will apply a mixture of triple antibiotic ointment and lotrimin (anti-fungal) 4x a day
Every hour I will rub my nipples with breastmilk
Fenugreek 3x a day
Tonight will be an interesting, and probably long, night. It's a lot of work to feed her, put her back down, pump, clean up, etc, etc. But, we will do what we have to do until we're healed up and build our supply. Once my nipples have healed we will hopefully be able to ditch the exclusive pump and get back to building supply with nursing.
Tomorrow, even though I cannot nurse her, Lily and I are going to spend the whole day in bed. Her in her diaper, me topless, and we're going to snuggle and rest, drinking tons of fluids.
I am so frustrated. I was so sad to have to give my baby a bottle of formula at the consultants office. But mostly, I feel good about the plan. I am just pissed as hell that nothing can go smoothly. Why must we hit these speed bumps at every turn? I'd like to pass through one thing without hiccups. Getting pregnant, pregnancy, labor, breast feeding... everything has been so damn hard.
But for now, I just need to get through it. And now, it's time to pump. Here we go again...
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Now Hiring: Wetnurse, Nanny, and a Housekeeper (A Vent.)
Cause damn it - I'm tired. Three nights of only sleeping in 45 minutes stretches has caught up. The days are starting to go really well. Lily is napping, breastfeeding is going a bit better (with one exception I'll talk about in a minute), we even made it to the grocery store yesterday. Then night time comes and the gloves come off. She wants to marathon feed and then will wake up the instant she's laid down. Or she'll lay awake forever just looking around... Or, like last night, I woke up, changed her diaper, she ate for almost 30 minutes, she burped and laid there forever. She finally closes her eyes almost 40 minutes later... and poops. So, I change her, she's wide awake again.. we rock and snuggle - and she asks for the boob again. And we start over.
Lord-e-mercy child! We could not get in sync last night. And since I didn't get a nap yesterday, there were tears. Snotty ones. And not two hours before we started settling down for the evening, I'd declared victory on the day. That's when the universe saw fit to karate chop me down a peg.
J did everything he could to help us and the poor guy had to work today - now add guilt. We finally got things settled a few hours later and I got strict orders to do nothing today but nap with the baby. Now - before you jump on me cause I'm online - she's laying here awake - I swear!
I'm trying to be patient with myself. To take things as the come. Allow myself space to learn and let everything else fall away. But that's hard! I want to have confidence that the next night will be better and that it's okay for me to get a few things done - you know, like shower and make dinner... only to self destruct later.
At our two week visit we hit another speed bump - Lily hasn't gained weight. She was 9lbs 14oz at three days and Tuesday, she was 9lbs 11oz. The nurse instantly suggested we supplement with formula. That was like a kick in my metaphorical nuts. I had some really great conversations with my friend Rachel (who called on her midwife and pediatric friends) for some advice. I've changed up some of our feeding - letting her go as long as she wants, even if that means spitting up (which has gotten more 'normal' again btw). The running theory is that at our three day visit, she wasn't done losing weight. My milk didn't come in until that day, so she probably lost weight for another couple days and is on the upswing now. So, we have another weigh-in on Friday. Until then I am not going to supplement. If she's continuing to lose weight, we'll talk about it again then. I really don't think my supply is an issue - I can tell they're full. If you have a spare positive thought - please think/pray/wish for a bit of weight gain tomorrow. We need a win around here.
Last nights drama? Also, breast feeding related. My left nipple is killing me. When Lily spit up last night - it was kind of thick and mucus-y (which is fine), but it was tinged with brown. The brown freaked us out. Turns out my nipple is bleeding a tiny bit. There is also a small white spot on the end of my nipple. I need to allow my nipples to air dry and switch away from the disposable breast pads to something that breathes better. When we visit the nurse on Friday, I am going to ask about thrush. I have been doing some reading (FYI - don't look at images of Thrush - it's enough to make anyone panic) and we have a fair amount of the symptoms, including the fact that we had antibiotics after labor (which can kill off the 'good' bacteria and encourage yeast growth). If I do have thrush, I know it would be minor. We'll see...
My stride could not be found soon enough. I love this little girl. The time we get to spend together, snuggle, and I get to look at her sweet face... the best in the universe. She is so stinkin cute and I just cannot believe she's ours. She's starting to be a bit more aware when she is awake. Wide eyed and checking things out. Every single day I'm in awe that she is here. Finally. For once I would just like a few less hurdles. Struggling to get her here, a long labor, tricky breastfeeding... fewer speed bumps and more time basking in her awesomeness is all I ask. Is that too much?
With all that said - yes, I am hiring. Not really, cause we're broke, but isn't it a nice dream? Nap with your sweet baby while someone else runs around cleaning, changing a thousand diapers a day, and chaffing their nipples? Meanwhile, I am off to feed my sweet girl. Dreaming that my nipples that are in one piece while I stroke her adorable chubby cheeks.
(I'm not even going to go back and read this. It was meant as a thought-dump and that's what it will be. Blech - there it is. Motherhood - Day 18.)
Lord-e-mercy child! We could not get in sync last night. And since I didn't get a nap yesterday, there were tears. Snotty ones. And not two hours before we started settling down for the evening, I'd declared victory on the day. That's when the universe saw fit to karate chop me down a peg.
J did everything he could to help us and the poor guy had to work today - now add guilt. We finally got things settled a few hours later and I got strict orders to do nothing today but nap with the baby. Now - before you jump on me cause I'm online - she's laying here awake - I swear!
I'm trying to be patient with myself. To take things as the come. Allow myself space to learn and let everything else fall away. But that's hard! I want to have confidence that the next night will be better and that it's okay for me to get a few things done - you know, like shower and make dinner... only to self destruct later.
At our two week visit we hit another speed bump - Lily hasn't gained weight. She was 9lbs 14oz at three days and Tuesday, she was 9lbs 11oz. The nurse instantly suggested we supplement with formula. That was like a kick in my metaphorical nuts. I had some really great conversations with my friend Rachel (who called on her midwife and pediatric friends) for some advice. I've changed up some of our feeding - letting her go as long as she wants, even if that means spitting up (which has gotten more 'normal' again btw). The running theory is that at our three day visit, she wasn't done losing weight. My milk didn't come in until that day, so she probably lost weight for another couple days and is on the upswing now. So, we have another weigh-in on Friday. Until then I am not going to supplement. If she's continuing to lose weight, we'll talk about it again then. I really don't think my supply is an issue - I can tell they're full. If you have a spare positive thought - please think/pray/wish for a bit of weight gain tomorrow. We need a win around here.
Last nights drama? Also, breast feeding related. My left nipple is killing me. When Lily spit up last night - it was kind of thick and mucus-y (which is fine), but it was tinged with brown. The brown freaked us out. Turns out my nipple is bleeding a tiny bit. There is also a small white spot on the end of my nipple. I need to allow my nipples to air dry and switch away from the disposable breast pads to something that breathes better. When we visit the nurse on Friday, I am going to ask about thrush. I have been doing some reading (FYI - don't look at images of Thrush - it's enough to make anyone panic) and we have a fair amount of the symptoms, including the fact that we had antibiotics after labor (which can kill off the 'good' bacteria and encourage yeast growth). If I do have thrush, I know it would be minor. We'll see...
My stride could not be found soon enough. I love this little girl. The time we get to spend together, snuggle, and I get to look at her sweet face... the best in the universe. She is so stinkin cute and I just cannot believe she's ours. She's starting to be a bit more aware when she is awake. Wide eyed and checking things out. Every single day I'm in awe that she is here. Finally. For once I would just like a few less hurdles. Struggling to get her here, a long labor, tricky breastfeeding... fewer speed bumps and more time basking in her awesomeness is all I ask. Is that too much?
With all that said - yes, I am hiring. Not really, cause we're broke, but isn't it a nice dream? Nap with your sweet baby while someone else runs around cleaning, changing a thousand diapers a day, and chaffing their nipples? Meanwhile, I am off to feed my sweet girl. Dreaming that my nipples that are in one piece while I stroke her adorable chubby cheeks.
(I'm not even going to go back and read this. It was meant as a thought-dump and that's what it will be. Blech - there it is. Motherhood - Day 18.)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Crazy Schedule
This week has been insane. I almost typed out for you here what my planner looks like this week. Perhaps I will take a photo instead... NUTS. It is Customer Service Week and here at work that is always great fun - FOR EVERYONE ELSE. For me it consists of running around like a chicken with my head cut off for 5.5 straight days until I collapse in a heap under my desk. There are breakfasts to cook (for 75 peeps!), lunches to serve, desserts to bake, etc etc etc etc. Not to mention the activities/games going on throughout the week. Best part of the whole week is tomorrow. It is Crazy Hat Day and I have that in the bag. These punks better bring their crazy hat game, because I've just brought this shindig up a notch. Thankfully everyone does have a good time and I get lots of thank you's and job well done's. Planning is my thing and I pretty much kick ass at it, if I do say so myself.
In addition to CS Week I had a workshop to attend Tuesday. It was all day long and since it didn't get out until 5 I got to sit in traffic for about an hour and 45 minutes to get home. Looong day. Last night I spent the whole evening baking cookies. Monster Cookies - you're welcome. Tonight I start my next photography class. I am SO excited. The only downfall is that it isn't over until 9pm and that is usually my bedtime (I know, I'm old! But you try getting up at 3:50. Yes, I mean AM.). O'well, it is totally worth the exhaustion.
Sunday is where the shit really hits the proverbial fan. It is the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk. My company is a sponsor of this event and we supply the registration tent volunteers. So, I will be at the park (about 40 miles from my house) at 7am on Sunday to get prepped and ready. From 9-12 I have a photography field trip. At 2pm I have my first ever paid photography gig (WOOOOOOT!). And then that evening we are going to dinner for the FIL's birthday.
And then I die.
At least that's the plan.
Needless to say - I took Monday off. Because once I die I don't think I'll be able to leave my bed for at least 23.25 hours.
B.U.S.Y. week, no? I know I'm leaving things out, but frankly I've got a lot going on at the moment, so cut me some slack alright? Next week should settle down and that is when I intend on making my first therapy appointment. I should be sufficiently distracted from my own mind until then. Don't you think?
Wish me luck - I'm off and running!
In addition to CS Week I had a workshop to attend Tuesday. It was all day long and since it didn't get out until 5 I got to sit in traffic for about an hour and 45 minutes to get home. Looong day. Last night I spent the whole evening baking cookies. Monster Cookies - you're welcome. Tonight I start my next photography class. I am SO excited. The only downfall is that it isn't over until 9pm and that is usually my bedtime (I know, I'm old! But you try getting up at 3:50. Yes, I mean AM.). O'well, it is totally worth the exhaustion.
Sunday is where the shit really hits the proverbial fan. It is the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk. My company is a sponsor of this event and we supply the registration tent volunteers. So, I will be at the park (about 40 miles from my house) at 7am on Sunday to get prepped and ready. From 9-12 I have a photography field trip. At 2pm I have my first ever paid photography gig (WOOOOOOT!). And then that evening we are going to dinner for the FIL's birthday.
And then I die.
At least that's the plan.
Needless to say - I took Monday off. Because once I die I don't think I'll be able to leave my bed for at least 23.25 hours.
B.U.S.Y. week, no? I know I'm leaving things out, but frankly I've got a lot going on at the moment, so cut me some slack alright? Next week should settle down and that is when I intend on making my first therapy appointment. I should be sufficiently distracted from my own mind until then. Don't you think?
Wish me luck - I'm off and running!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I need a vacation.
I believe that my allergies from the weekend have developed into a cold. I'm all plugged up and because I've had to breath through my mouth, my throat is sore. It took all I had to get up and come into work today. I cannot tell you how many times I thought about calling in. The only reason I didn't is because that would mean more work and more stress when I returned. Uggggh.
My job gets more and more stressful as time goes on. I'm basically doing the job that three managers were previously responsible for. I'm not getting paid more, or getting additional perks. Just like most people I'm being asked to do more (a LOT more) with less. I am considering bringing this up to my new boss and I am just not certain how. I suppose I should just lay my responsibilities out and see what he says. It isn't like it will hurt.
A friend of mine is trying to get me to come and work for him. The base salary would be less than I am making now, but I would be eligible for monthly bonuses and OT. So that means I could potentially make more. I don't know that I'm ready to take that risk, but it is sounding more appealing every day.
I've been thinking more and more about taking a break. Own two-year IF anniversary is approaching and the more I think about it, the more anxious and awful I feel. But, do I want to start over with the meds and the appointments and testing? I'm afraid of feeling like a quitter.
Couple work stress with IF stress and add to that an every growing list of chores and to-do's at home... I'm ready to run away. Far, far away.
My job gets more and more stressful as time goes on. I'm basically doing the job that three managers were previously responsible for. I'm not getting paid more, or getting additional perks. Just like most people I'm being asked to do more (a LOT more) with less. I am considering bringing this up to my new boss and I am just not certain how. I suppose I should just lay my responsibilities out and see what he says. It isn't like it will hurt.
A friend of mine is trying to get me to come and work for him. The base salary would be less than I am making now, but I would be eligible for monthly bonuses and OT. So that means I could potentially make more. I don't know that I'm ready to take that risk, but it is sounding more appealing every day.
I've been thinking more and more about taking a break. Own two-year IF anniversary is approaching and the more I think about it, the more anxious and awful I feel. But, do I want to start over with the meds and the appointments and testing? I'm afraid of feeling like a quitter.
Couple work stress with IF stress and add to that an every growing list of chores and to-do's at home... I'm ready to run away. Far, far away.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Stupid Daydreaming...
Why do I allow myself to do it? (I have gotten to the point where I no longer dream about nursery planning or names, but only because my mind functionally cannot work past the getting pregnant part first.)
Why did I allow myself to dream about the ways I would wake up my husband and tell him that he's going to be a father?
About how I'd stay and have breakfast with him, in bed, and go in late to work?
About being one of the lucky IF'ers I've heard about this month?
About calling the doctor and getting a blood test and beta's checked? (I have sexy daydreams, no?)
Calling my friend and saying 'Good morning Auntie!'
Fuck this game. It sucks.
Why did I allow myself to dream about the ways I would wake up my husband and tell him that he's going to be a father?
About how I'd stay and have breakfast with him, in bed, and go in late to work?
About being one of the lucky IF'ers I've heard about this month?
About calling the doctor and getting a blood test and beta's checked? (I have sexy daydreams, no?)
Calling my friend and saying 'Good morning Auntie!'
Fuck this game. It sucks.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
CD1. Again.
Yup, I started my period.
Why?
Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?
How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.
When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)
I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.
We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.
I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.
So much for curing my emotional instability today.
Why?
Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?
How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.
When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)
I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.
We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.
I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.
So much for curing my emotional instability today.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Moments
I have found that through the process of 'dealing' with our Infertility I can handle most things. The pills can be hard to swallow (literally and metaphorically speaking), but I-I should say we since I clearly don't do this alone- can and am handling it. We move forward, make plans, change plans, alter course, talk and talk, cry, but we move forward.
There are these moments. These points in time where nothing is going to possibly stand in my way, other points where I'm not sure I can do it any more, and a thousand other feelings and emotions in between. I try to acknowledge each of them and make sure that I am learning as I travel along this unfortunate journey. But sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself.
I think I'm about to embarass myself on a few levels, but sharing my story is what this is all about right?
So, I was watching Army Wives (go ahead and tease). There was this moment when one of the wives, Roxy, was venting about all of the worries she had - work, money, car, baby, etc. She slipped the 'baby' part in to a friend that didn't know yet that she was expecting. And I cried. (embarassing fact #2) It was not even a particularly moving scene, or even one of much importance. There was just this overwhelming feeling of self-pity. (embarassing fact #3 - Army Wives makes me feel sorry for myself...)
Am I EVER going to have the opportunity to say the words 'I'm pregnant'. Will I be able to sit down at lunch with a friend and slip in the fact that there is a baby on the way and see if she notices, just for fun? Will I get to stand infront of a table of my friends, like Roxy does at the end of the episode, and explain that while they're toasting with beer and wine, I'll be drinking water? Have my friends jump up and down and celebrate the growth of my family?
So, again, I cried. AGAIN. I swear one day my tear ducts are just going to up and quit on me. 'Screw you Bitch, I'm done putting in these long hours.' And walk out the door. How do I stop making mountains out of mole hills? To stop allowing these 2 second minor moments, comments from unsuspecting people, a silly tv show, impact me in such a large way?
The best way I can describe it is it is like I am going around-and-around on the merry go round and my head is starting to swim.
Is this where you tell me to start seeing someone? Am I not talking about it enough? Am I all pent up or something? Most of the time I consider myself a fairly smart girl. Why don't I know what to do with myself most days? Please point me in the direction of the closet psych ward and I'll start walking.
There are these moments. These points in time where nothing is going to possibly stand in my way, other points where I'm not sure I can do it any more, and a thousand other feelings and emotions in between. I try to acknowledge each of them and make sure that I am learning as I travel along this unfortunate journey. But sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself.
I think I'm about to embarass myself on a few levels, but sharing my story is what this is all about right?
So, I was watching Army Wives (go ahead and tease). There was this moment when one of the wives, Roxy, was venting about all of the worries she had - work, money, car, baby, etc. She slipped the 'baby' part in to a friend that didn't know yet that she was expecting. And I cried. (embarassing fact #2) It was not even a particularly moving scene, or even one of much importance. There was just this overwhelming feeling of self-pity. (embarassing fact #3 - Army Wives makes me feel sorry for myself...)
Am I EVER going to have the opportunity to say the words 'I'm pregnant'. Will I be able to sit down at lunch with a friend and slip in the fact that there is a baby on the way and see if she notices, just for fun? Will I get to stand infront of a table of my friends, like Roxy does at the end of the episode, and explain that while they're toasting with beer and wine, I'll be drinking water? Have my friends jump up and down and celebrate the growth of my family?
So, again, I cried. AGAIN. I swear one day my tear ducts are just going to up and quit on me. 'Screw you Bitch, I'm done putting in these long hours.' And walk out the door. How do I stop making mountains out of mole hills? To stop allowing these 2 second minor moments, comments from unsuspecting people, a silly tv show, impact me in such a large way?
The best way I can describe it is it is like I am going around-and-around on the merry go round and my head is starting to swim.
Is this where you tell me to start seeing someone? Am I not talking about it enough? Am I all pent up or something? Most of the time I consider myself a fairly smart girl. Why don't I know what to do with myself most days? Please point me in the direction of the closet psych ward and I'll start walking.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Not so thankful.
While I am appreciative of taking time to acknowledge the things/people in my life I am thankful for, today has turned into a day I am not thankful for at all.
First of all, I didn't sleep for more than two hours last night. Miss Lacey, our sweet and lovable pup, decided that she was going to party like it was 1999 allllll niiiiiiggghhht long. She just did not want to be in her crate. I do my best to ignore her unless she needs to go potty (we can usually tell that cry from all the others) because we don't want to train her to know that we'll let her out if she barks or whines. But when it goes on for HOURS I had to do something. I got up after about an hour or so of listening to it the first time and brought her downstairs (I waited until she stopped barking for a bit). I played with her, wrestled around, let her out, etc. After about an hour I brought her back up to her crate. She was good for about 5 minutes (long enough for me to doze off) and she started in again. UGH. I got back to sleep just after 3 and I get up at 3:50. Sucky.
Don't get me started on the work drama today. I will just say that people need to worry more about themselves and grow the eff up!
Not an hour after my TT post below I took a trip to the restroom. Did my business, wiped, stood up and buckled my pants, turned to flush and noticed the red toilet paper. F*&%!! Yes, that's right, I do believe AF has shown up almost a week early. Lovely.
So for all that I am thankful for, today is not high on the list.
First of all, I didn't sleep for more than two hours last night. Miss Lacey, our sweet and lovable pup, decided that she was going to party like it was 1999 allllll niiiiiiggghhht long. She just did not want to be in her crate. I do my best to ignore her unless she needs to go potty (we can usually tell that cry from all the others) because we don't want to train her to know that we'll let her out if she barks or whines. But when it goes on for HOURS I had to do something. I got up after about an hour or so of listening to it the first time and brought her downstairs (I waited until she stopped barking for a bit). I played with her, wrestled around, let her out, etc. After about an hour I brought her back up to her crate. She was good for about 5 minutes (long enough for me to doze off) and she started in again. UGH. I got back to sleep just after 3 and I get up at 3:50. Sucky.
Don't get me started on the work drama today. I will just say that people need to worry more about themselves and grow the eff up!
Not an hour after my TT post below I took a trip to the restroom. Did my business, wiped, stood up and buckled my pants, turned to flush and noticed the red toilet paper. F*&%!! Yes, that's right, I do believe AF has shown up almost a week early. Lovely.
So for all that I am thankful for, today is not high on the list.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)