Three Years

I sat down to write on this topic and had no idea what to say. Even after three years, I am no expert on the topics of infertility or trying to conceive. I only know my journey. So, that’s where I started. Telling my story (albeit the abbreviated version). It doesn’t cover every bump in the road - my darkest of days, or how having a child doesn’t leave my mind for a single day- but it is the map. My map. Unfolded and folded back up more times now than I can count... Let’s hope that by reliving my history, that I can change my future.

Three Years.

To think about three years all at once is a long time.

Three years ago I was a newlywed. We hadn’t been home from Mexico for very long and we were already swept back up into the remainder of the ‘Summer of Weddings’. (I was in two more after my own that summer.)

I’d married my best friend after 7 years together. We had a new home, our dog, and had just found out we had a niece on the way. It was that fact that had us lying on the couch, discussing our reproductive future. We’d be telling everyone it would be at least a year and then we would just stop trying not to. In reality, we planned to pull the plug at the first of the year. This late August day had us chatting about why we were waiting. Were we not ready? No, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t money either. We certainly have the space in our new place. We realized over the next couple of weeks that the date was arbitrary and so, we tossed it out the window. I was in another wedding at the end of September, so we decided that after that, it was game on. September 28^th saw my last birth control pill.

I instantly got off on the wrong foot. I got another period a couple weeks later (my second for the month of October) and didn’t see another until the New Year. I knew then that something was amiss. Not only did I know that after 8 years of birth control there can be an adjustment period, but I knew then that something just wasn’t right.

I battled for the next year with learning more about my body, fighting my own controlling tendencies, and grieving a bit each time I saw another friend or relative start their family and pass me by.

The year after that was spent battling medication, appointments, new doctors, and myself. Mostly, I felt like a constant failure. I would get my hopes up that ‘this time we have the combination of drugs that is going to do the trick’ and then I would respond worse than I did the last time. It was an uphill battle and I scratched and clawed (mostly myself) the whole way. August of 2010 (a month before our two year TTC ‘anniversary’), we got dumped by the doctor. The chief OB at my clinic told me that there just wasn’t anything more he could do and that I would need to see someone at Seattle Reproductive Medicine for a more aggressive treatment.

I felt kicked in the gut. That man, with a wall fill with baby pictures, couldn’t make it happen for me. I couldn’t make it happen for us. I was done. We were done. We had to take a break. J and I decided that we were quitting the formal TTC game for awhile. I’ll admit that it took me some time to abandon old habits. Instinctively I still knew that it was midcycle and that it ‘couldn’t hurt’. And I was still disappointed when AF arrived. Instead of obsessing, I found other things to occupy my time – a new job, weight loss, and the trip of a lifetime. This year was going to be the year of ME. All about improving my life, making positive changes, and getting myself back on track. I started acupuncture, was eating healthy, and planning our first ever trip to Europe. Jeremy and I agreed that we would pick back up with Seattle Reproductive when we returned at the beginning of June.

Meanwhile I lost 21 pounds, started my new job, and in mid-May we left for two weeks to visit England and Ireland. Every minute was amazing and exceeded our expectations. Just as we agreed, we visited Seattle Reproductive the second week of June. She wrote me a Rx for Metformin and while I got busy ramping up on that gem of a medicine, we would reconvene when I got my next period and we’d get this party started. We discussed combinations of meds, timing, and starting with IUI.

None of that happened because on the 4^th of July – we got our blessing – our first BFP. We cried, I called my closest girlfriends and we cried again… it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Not at all feeling like I thought I would, but it was a sight to see. My blood work over the next few days was beyond excellent (jokes of twins were made from my nurse), and after the blood work came back great, we decided we would tell only our parents. The rest of our family could wait until at least our first ultrasound.

Both my parents cried, my dad having no idea what we went through. My mom and sister, appreciating his miracle a bit more, laughed cried and instantly started planning. (I come by my planning obsessions naturally.) We were on cloud 9 and completely uncharted territory.

Then came the downward slope - a bit of spotting, an inconclusive ultrasound, a bit of rest, and the news that we were probably miscarrying. Another beta a week later to confirm and – what? It went back up?! Heart stops, hopes have elevated, ultrasound shows progress – but no heart beat and more spotting. Six weeks after our miracle day, started one of the worst weeks of my life. We officially said goodbye to Sprout(s).

I am so grateful for all of the support we’ve had over the last three years. This is not at all where I thought, or had hoped, we would be. But, that’s life. Had we not struggled this way, I would not have learned all I know about my body. I would not have made some truly amazing friends. Nor would I have understood this side of a serious problem that so many women face – silently and alone. I’ve joined this infertility community that no one wants to be a member of. But, one that is filled with love and support.

Three years. Hard to believe we’ve made so much progress, and yet have so little to show for it. Three years later and I am grateful to still be madly in love with my husband. Even more in love than I was on our wedding day. Still working to make positive changes, balance our lives, and keep moving forward. There isn’t anything left in the past for me. Only hard work and more challenge for the future. Here I am, three years later, with no baby, having struggled like mad, but also having learned to (and increased my capacity to) love even more deeply.

Anniversary Freak Out

Yesterday Jeremy and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary and today we've officially been together 10 years! We played it low key as our European adventure was our gift to one another. J works late, so I came home and mowed the lawn for him and picked up take-out for dinner.

Jeremy walked in the door with flowers and a card so sweet that I cried like a babe. The name on the card... 'Sweetpea +1' I was a goner. That boy knows how to tug my strings.

After dinner our big plan involved nothing more than snuggling on the couch. Perfect, no?

I'm a smart girl and hit the potty first so that our snuggles wouldn't be interrupted by my pesky bladder. And that's when I wiped and saw red.

I gasped. I spotted once last week, but it was dark brown and minimal. It was not a ton of blood, not even enough to be on my underwear, but definitely streaks when I wiped. We immediately called and had the on-call doctor paged. 45 minutes later... (annoying!) she called and asked me to go to the local walk-in and have my blood drawn for another beta. That was all we could do at that point.

I had to wait until 8:00 this morning to get the results. Time moves so slowly when you're waiting for the phone to ring! Our number rose nicely and my nurse said to take it easy today and increase my water intake. She did ask that I drop by the clinic and do another blood draw to see if I was RH-. Apparently if you are, your body can build up antibodies that are harmful to the baby. I haven't done my research here yet, so I'm not entirely sure if I have it right. I will have those results in the morning. If I am, I only need to get a shot and all will be well.

I knew down deep that everything was alright, but my mind is a beast all its own. It certainly was not the way I wanted to spend my anniversary, but I am eternally grateful that everything is okay. Sprout is a tough little sea monkey and isn't going anywhere for a long while yet.

Thanks to those who saw my freak out on Twitter and sent your love and hugs. I appreciate your positivity!

It is hard to believe that this was only three years ago.
It feels like yesterday.

1WW

We're half way through the dreaded 2week wait. Thankfully this week has gone by pretty quick! It was filled with kitchen updates, a wedding out of town, and of course my anniversary. Plenty to keep me occupied. Lucky for me, week 2 of the 2WW will be filled with more of the same. I've got a busy week at work, a bridal shower and bachelorette party this weekend, and before you know it - we'll be ready for the end; whatever that may be. We're going on a kick ass camping trip near the coast for the last weekend in the month. That means we'll either be celebrating or doing what real campers do - drinking, to drown our sorrows. Let's just hope it's celebrating!

Nothing too exciting to report. I have been feeling a few twinges and light cramps in my ute area in the last day. Gas? Probably. I've also has more crazy CM. I'm trying not to be hyper sensitive to every little thing, but that's the only thing I can note that is different. Just going to continue to report it like I see (I mean feel...) it.

We had a very relaxed anniversary this year. We've been very busy lately and have a lot going on this summer, so we decided not to go away like we typically would. Instead I had the day off to do some relaxing and shopping. We went to a nice, and de-licious, dinner and came home to relax. Not too shabby for a Monday anniversary.

2 Years Ago Today

Two years ago this day I married my very best friend. It happened to be the day before our 7th anniversary. Our wedding day was amazing, for a number of reasons...

1) I planned every detail. I made our invitations, our centerpieces, bridesmaid bouquets, programs, favors, guest book (that still isn't done..), planned all the important songs, etc. etc. etc. (with some help from J and my MOH of course) I was extremely happy with the work we'd done and very proud to show it to our family and friends.

2) Pretty much our entire family was there. You know those invites you have to send out to that aunt or uncle you're not extremely close to, but they live 5 states away so you doubt they'd make the trip? They came. J's mom said it was the first time all of her siblings were in one place in years. I was honored that everyone made the sacrifices to come.

3)Our venue was AMAZING. We were married in the country and our reception was in the barn. Before you get images of us sharing our dinner with livestock, this 'barn' was built specifically for receptions and events. Not a single piece of hay to be seen. I mean look at it!Do you see that car? That's what we drove away in. See the upper doors? That's the balcony to the bridal suite. I love this place. On another piece of their property they grow Christmas trees. We get to go back every year and cut ours down. It's an excellent excuse to visit where we were married each year.

4) Last, but certainly not least, J. He showed up that day and married my pesky butt. For that single action (and for another reason or two I suppose...) I will love him unconditionally for the rest of my life and beyond. He is my very best friend. My number one supporter. My partner in crime.

Our wedding was the most amazing I have ever been too. I know I might be a little biased, but I truly believe it. We were original, it was fun, the food and cake were DELICIOUS, the venue was gorgeous, and I feel the day truly represented each of us. We didn't stick to traditional things (like the garter toss), but instead played the shoe and kissing games. Those are decisions I am SO happy we made because it turned just another wedding into something very representative of us as people. It took a LOT of work, but in the end it made all the difference in the world.

I am so grateful to have married such a wonderful man. A man who sticks up for me no matter what, but challenges me when he thinks I'm wrong or could do better for myself. Someone who is loyal and dedicated to our marriage and our family. He tells me like it is, but sprinkles in the occasional thing he knows I just want/need to hear. He puts up with my crap, and after the last two years of IF, that's a lot! We have so much fun together. We laugh daily. We hold hands in the grocery store. Every night we fall asleep snuggled together. He does the laundry, folks. I mean HELLO, he's a keeper. ;)

Happy Anniversary, J. Thank you for everything you do for me, us, our home, our family and future family, and mostly - just for being you. I love you more today than I ever thought possible.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Today J and I are celebrating our first wedding anniversary. Tomorrow we will have been together EIGHT years. Wow. It has gone by so fast, but at the same time I feel like J has been around my entire life. Funny how that works...

We had a great time during our little weekend get away. Plenty of relaxation and quality uninterrupted time together. We combed the beach for fun sea creatures (saw TONS of sea stars, crab, sea anemone, fish, and even an otter!), went kayaking, explored an old fort, ate at a couple of fancy restaurants, laid in bed and read, and took long baths in our jacuzzi tub by fire light (insert suggestive eyebrow wiggling here ;) ). I cannot tell you how much this little get away was needed. Not a minute of tv was watched, or internet accessed. Beautiful.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the weekend...

The beginning of sunset our first night:

TASTY beverages
(can you see the tiny view of the harbor behind the drinks?):

Part of the fort we visited:

I made a friend, his name is Billy. Billy the goat: