My Period?!

I'm fairly certain that I'm currently having my first period postpartum. I've had irregular periods for years now and all of a sudden I'm going to get one almost exactly one month after I give birth?

I'm fighting tooth and nail through this breast feeding business and I cannot even get a delay on the start of my period? Figures.

How long did it take for Aunt Flo to visit you for the first time after giving birth?
 Were you regular right away?

All of this period crap got me thinking... My six week visit is in a couple of weeks and I'll need to start some sort of birth control. I'm thinking of getting an IUD. I've not had one before, so I'm a bit nervous about the experience, but I think it is the best option for us at the moment.

Which birth control option did you choose? Why?

Fresh Start

AF showed up on Tuesday. Just shy of six weeks, which is right where the majority of you told me she would be.

So far she's taken it easy on me, which compared to the periods I was having last Spring (when I had my last real period), is something to celebrate.

I feel a sense of relief. That I can put this rough summer behind us and start fresh. I'm even beginning to look forward to it and feel hopeful. I figure hopeful is a good place to be, considering our three year trying-to-conceive anniversary is next week. But that's a whole different topic for an entirely different day.

I am still taking my Metformin and doing pretty well. I took my girl Jessica's advice and take one pill in the morning and the other two before bed. With that rotation I've had very few tummy troubles. J and I talked about the game plan and decided that we will try OPKs this month and see how we do with just the Met.

I am glad that we're not jumping right back in the deep end. This gradual approach feels best. I spent enough time in a doctors office this summer and could use a breather.

Here we go again... wash, rinse, repeat. Like a bad episode of Groundhogs Day.

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CD1 (again...)

Tomorrow was going to be POAS Day. I allowed myself to dream of how fun it would be to get a positive test the day before J's 30th birthday. We grabbed a bite for dinner tonight and I had to stop by the drug store. While I was there I picked up a couple of tests because, other than extremely sore boobs (that I've had for TWO WEEKS now), I had no sign of AF.

I get in the car and J asks, what else did you get?

Oh, I just grabbed some tests. We're out.

Pregnancy tests?

Yup.

Hmm.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything.

Yeah. I kind of thought you should have been bleeding by now. (Yeah, we're classy.)


I kid you not, I was not in the car for more than two minutes before I started feeling the twinges of AF.

Me: Are you fricken kidding me!?

J: What?!

I think I'm starting.

Sure enough! I get home and the evil wench has arrived. She couldn't have shown up 5 minutes before? No. First, I had to spend $12 and ratchet my hopes up another little notch. Oh, and she had to be a week late so that next month I'm basically guaranteed to get my period in Europe. UGH. Bitch.

Distraction

I'm sorry I haven't really been posting much the last week or so. Things at work have been hectic. I've launched a new customer database to all of our service areas, wrapped up (literally as well) our Adopt-a-Family program, and yesterday we had our departments holiday luncheon (thanks to yours truly). Needless to say, yesterday after the luncheon I was exhausted. I sit for a few minutes before I tackle the crazy cleanup and I get that familiar sensation. You know the one I'm talking about. AF was knocking on my door. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger.

Home has been a lot of the same. We've been trying to go to the gym consistently, but that means 2-3 days a week recently. Better then nothing, right? We just finished the refinance on our rental property, but that meant appointments to sign documents. Oh, and this Friday I am flying out to go visit my very best friend in the universe. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half and I miss her like craziness.

Researching our trip has been a very pleasant distraction during our break. That was, until last night. We found a few great deals on plane tickets to Dublin. I'm talking $800/ea. That's a lot, but compared to $12-1300 - SWEET! We decided to be responsible and wait to finish our refinance, since we knew that we'd get to skip that mortgage payment. Responsible, no? I was pretty proud of us for our restraint. We'd seen the prices like that mid-week for a few weeks so we weren't concerned.

Last night we were ready. Credit card in hand. Type in Seattle to Dublin - BAM - $1200. FRICK!
I switch up the dates a bit, and I get $1100. That was the best I'd found! $300 more PER TICKET. I almost cried folks. Why can I not catch a damn break?!

I am really ready to take a break from our busy life. I thought that these distractions would be helpful in keeping my mind from TTC. I would say that about 50% of the time it has worked. But, I'm still sad, tired (mentally and physically), irritated with the dysfunction in my body (can I please stop gaining wait and breaking out? Please!?).

Are these really distractions, or is it avoidance of my 'issues'? Probably a bit of both if I had to venture a guess. But for now, that's what I'm using to get us through another holiday season without a reason to decorate.

That bitch tricked me again!

How do I keep letting her do this to me?!

So, even though I'm doing nothing at the moment to actively conceive, it is never far from my mind. Last Saturday, when CD28 came and went, and I had no PMS signs to speak of, I just thought, 'Hmm. No need to get my hopes up, been there!' I didn't even tell J. Well, yesterday he asked me if I'd started yet. More like, 'Well, you're on your period now, aren't you?'

Well.... not exactly.
Is it over?
Didn't really start yet.
Oh yeah? (Damn that cute smile on his face!)

So I told him that I didn't say anything because it isn't out of the norm for me to go to about 31 days. I did say that if I still hadn't gotten AF by Saturday morning that I would test. We have no tests in our house at the moment (shocking, I know), so while we were at Target we picked some up.

That's all it too. Buying tests. I left for class and on the way home I felt like The Karate Kid had roundhouse kicked my ladybits. I also had the worst gas pains (three months in a row my period has started this way!). Sure enough, when I got home she was making up for lost time.

I try to be in bed by about 9, since I get up at 3:50. On Thursday's my photography class isn't over until 9, but I can usually be in bed by 9:45 at the latest. I was in bed by 9:45 and got up about 10 minutes later in search of my trusty heating pad - he has disappeared! I was so mad my eyes welled up and I decided to stay on the couch and read since I couldn't get comfortable laying down. It wasn't until 11:00 that I was able to go to bed and actually be tired enough not to notice my body splitting in half.

Peeps, I need a good drink and a NAP.

Not cool, AF. Not cool.

AF finally decided to show up today. And by 'today' I mean at 2:45 this morning. She woke me out of a dead sleep with the worst cramping. I thought for sure I was about to shit the bed or something. As soon as I hit the bathroom I realized (or woke up enough to realize?) it was AF. Stupid beyotch has no manners whatsoever. Needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep. I could not find a comfortable position and about 10 minutes after I laid back down, gas pains got added to the mix. Really!? My morning ruitine had to be edited to remove breakfast and making a lunch so that I could fit in my 25 minutes on the toilet. Overshare, sorry 'bout that. But 25 minutes of the runs on CD1 is just mean. -- Yes, you get quality reading around here. True story.

Kick a girl while she's down why don't you?! Jebus.

At least it is here and I can finally stop wondering if/when I'm going to start. Carrying around tampons, just for funsies, because you're not sure when she's going to strike is no bueno.

Home from Camping

AF arrived Thursday evening. Let's just get that out of the way. I was upset. And then I drank. That about sums it up.

After we got that out of the way we had a great weekend on the coast camping this weekend. We did a TON of hiking, ate great food, and hung out with some super great friends. The hiking was exactly what I needed. We got up Friday morning and hiked a trail that took us to the coast (near La Push where part of Twilight takes place, I might add!) it was about 7 miles round trip. We saw eagles, deer, and lots of sea creatures since we made it to the coast by low tide. It was beautiful.

Saturday was a repeat, but we took a different trail that took us a few miles north of Friday's hike. We did another 8 miles (roundtrip) to the coast and back. When we were done I was POOPED, but in the greatest way. I felt accomplished and relaxed. I got just the nature fix that I needed.

The tricky part with this whole adventure was that we were completely out of cell range. I'm talking it was a good 90 miles to get a signal. So, when I started my period on Thursday I had no way to call the doc and make another appointment. I also couldn't fill my prescription to start on CD3. Soo... tomorrow I will call and see what the game plan will be. Perhaps I'll go back to taking the Femara CD5-9 just for this month. I will report back when I know more!

Thank you for all of your well wishes and hope. I appreciate you all being in my corner. We'll just have to wait and see what next month brings.

I think she was wrong.

I'm not a fan of Doc Oc's fill in, who will henceforth be known as Dr. Wrong. She seems to quickly get me in-out without much discussion and evaluation. This time, I think she may have missed something. Here's how my cycle went down:

CD13 - Visited with Dr. Wrong - Good thick lining, a few larger follicles that 'aren't ready', we schedule a follow up on CD17

CD17 - lining had thinned, a number of follicles but they are small, she declares that I did not respond to the Femara. She recommended a check at CD2-3 to get another look at the ol' bits. I would take my meds CD3-7 (instead of 5-9) and we would up the dosage to 7.5mg

My OPK's from CD13 through now have gotten lighter and lighter. Know what today is? CD1. AF came early. I suppose she wanted to be here for the holidays. That means a 22 day cycle. Know what I think? I think I ovulated early. It would be the second time that has come up. (If you recall, I had this same experience the cycle before last.) It would make sense considering the lay of the land on CD13. It looks like I could have been on the downward side. If I ovulated on CD 11 or 12, it would be early, but it would be a much better explanation considering the early end to my cycle. Any other thoughts out there?

I called the doctors office (Doc Oc is back this week!) and I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. Here's what I'm proposing (either over the phone, or if I can get in for that CD2-3 appt - great timing with the holiday, no?)...

Up my dosage to the 7.5mg as Dr. Wrong suggested. Even when I did respond in a timely fashion last cycle, it wasn't the greatest. Discuss whether or not I should take it 3-7 or 5-9. (What is the difference? I need to understand that better.) Schedule an earlier 'midcycle' scan and start my OPK's earlier than I feel like I need to. That way even if it isn't 'early' this month I can know for certain.

That's my game plan peeps. Having that 'Ah ha!' moment while I sat on the toilet staring down at red panties on CD23 did dull the ache in my heart at another cycle lost. Please let this be another step towards progress. Please.

Lost my shit in the restaurant.

TMI Warning

So, I changed my tampon before I left the house and then we were off to Costco. We were leaving Costco about an hour later and as we left I got the unmistakable feeling that I was going to have an 'accident'. Thankfully the restaurant where we were meeting our friends wasn't far. The whole way to the restaurant my lip is quivering and I can feeling my emotions building up. Isn't it bad enough my period had to show up? Why must I be practically bleeding out?

We get to the restaurant, I set my stuff on the table and haul it to the restroom. I get into the first stall and fought with a door that wouldn't freaking shut. I hop over to the next stall and start to do my thing. Before I can get my pants down my pedometer (for a work challenge) flies off my hip and straight into the toilet!

FRICK!

I snatch it out an immediate stare at my hand like OMGWHATDIDYOUDO?! That is a public TOILET for petesake! The damage was done, so I set it on the shelf thingy and carried on. What do I do next you ask? Sat down and proceeded to drop my tampon in the toilet. Seriously!? Can't a girl catch a break?

By the time I scrubbed my pedometer (which amazingly still works even though I scrubbed it with soap and water) and my hands for 10 minutes, J was wondering what was taking me so long. As soon as I sat down and he asked if everything was okay, I lost it. In the middle of the damn restaurant. 'I... I... I dropped my pedometer in the t-t-t-toilet and my pants are stained.' He was so sweet and kept rubbing my back while I tried to lay low and not make a scene.

Let's get one thing clear - I am NOT a cute crier. There is red splotchy face, bloodshot eyes, and even my lips get puffy and red. Not. Cute. THANK GOODNESS our friends were late and I could compose myself.

If nothing else, I'm improving my IF grief efficiency. I think I probably managed to make it through all 7 stages of grief in one single day.

BFN.

Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

Thank you Rodney Atkins for the quote above.

I woke up in the wee hours (because I always get up in the middle of the night to pee) and since it was too close to my wake up time, I tested. Results? AF. Yup, as soon as I peed in the damn cup and wiped, I saw red. frickengoshdarnmothereffingstupidperiod! So as is probably obvious by now, my results of said pee test were a big fat negative.

Have I cried? Nope. Before I left I went back and laid on the bed as J was waking up and told him. He rubbed my back and told me all the things he's supposed to. 'At least you ovulated.' 'If you think about it, now that you're finally ovulating, we're really only just getting started.' That last one sucked. I know he didn't mean it that way, but UGGGGGH. JUST GETTING STARTED!? I'm not sure I like that... at all.

Thank you to all of you who were thinking your positive thoughts and saying your prayers for us this month. I appreciate it more than you know. I hope that soon I will get all of those prayers answered.

But as the aforementioned Rodney Atkins says:

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Wasn't that a beauty of a song to listen to right as I started the car this morning? I thought it was fitting. In fact the whole set of lyrics was pretty fitting.

CD1. Again.

Yup, I started my period.

Why?

Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?

How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.

When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)

I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.

We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.

I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.

So much for curing my emotional instability today.

Not so thankful.

While I am appreciative of taking time to acknowledge the things/people in my life I am thankful for, today has turned into a day I am not thankful for at all.

First of all, I didn't sleep for more than two hours last night. Miss Lacey, our sweet and lovable pup, decided that she was going to party like it was 1999 allllll niiiiiiggghhht long. She just did not want to be in her crate. I do my best to ignore her unless she needs to go potty (we can usually tell that cry from all the others) because we don't want to train her to know that we'll let her out if she barks or whines. But when it goes on for HOURS I had to do something. I got up after about an hour or so of listening to it the first time and brought her downstairs (I waited until she stopped barking for a bit). I played with her, wrestled around, let her out, etc. After about an hour I brought her back up to her crate. She was good for about 5 minutes (long enough for me to doze off) and she started in again. UGH. I got back to sleep just after 3 and I get up at 3:50. Sucky.

Don't get me started on the work drama today. I will just say that people need to worry more about themselves and grow the eff up!

Not an hour after my TT post below I took a trip to the restroom. Did my business, wiped, stood up and buckled my pants, turned to flush and noticed the red toilet paper. F*&%!! Yes, that's right, I do believe AF has shown up almost a week early. Lovely.

So for all that I am thankful for, today is not high on the list.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ask and you shall receive. CD1 is upon us. AF arrived first thing this morning and running behind has put her in a piss-poor mood. I have a ThermaCare heating pad strapped to my belly and have made several trips to the rest room this morning because my off and on constipation is suddenly cured. Overshare, I know, sorry about that.

I'm going to go back to rocking myself in my office chair while my insides continue to fight to become my outsides.

Sneaky Bitch

She gave me no advanced notice she was coming. Let alone coming early. But boy did she show up with enthusiasm.

Yes, AF is here. Yes, another cycle has bit the dust. This cycle was only 25 days.

Here we go again.

Vent.

AF showed today, so we officially have closure on Cycle16. Time to call the doctor. Time to talk to my Mama (I'm scared folks).

I'm still bloated and gassy. Although there have been some improvements in this arena, my pants are snug.

I am uber congested. It started with allergies this weekend (I'm not a big fan of cats) and has just lingered. Well today even my ears feel plugged.

I just need to make it through the next 4 hours of meetings and I can get home and crawl into bed. That's all I'd like right now.

/Vent.

Unwelcome Christmas Guest

Just in time for the festivities, AF!
(Please excuse the copious amounts of sarcasm. I plan to have that looked at.)

Time for me to go forth and spread my Christmas cheer.

November 1 = CD 1

AF barged in yesterday and that is saying it nicely.

Yesterday started as a very productive day. We've been working on making over our downstairs and things are coming together nicely. Freshly painted walls, new art, new desk fully assembled (it is our tv room/den), etc. My Mother-in-law saved the day and came by to pick up the dog and give him a good walk. We've been so busy that poor Harley has been neglected the past couple of weeks. After they walked 5 miles she came back and while we finished up she made us dinner! I was thrilled not to have to cook.

About 10 minutes before I sat down to dinner I thought I was going to vomit or shit myself. Yes, I'd been drinking the night before (Halloween), but not in that much excess to be sick 18 hours later. I went upstairs and realized I'd started. It was game on after that. I was cramping really bad so I strapped on the heating pad. I made it through dinner and then MIL left and I snuggled up with J to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. I was miserable. Cramps were getting worse and worse. A hot shower didn't help and the heating pad wasn't doing anything. I laid down in bed and 15 minutes later I was in tears. J wasn't sure what to do. Boy he tried though. He fetched ibuprofen, water, and dished out the forehead kisses until I was able to fall asleep.

Thankfully, I slept like the dead. The weird thing was I had period dreams all night. Not just period induced psychosis, but actually dreams about my period. Being out in public with stained pants, buying tampons, etc. It was bizarre. I must have gotten it out of my system though, because I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I was crampy a couple of times today, but nothing out of the norm.

Anyone that has taken progesterone, did you have a similar experience? I'm wondering if the medication had anything to do with it. I can, without a doubt, say that was top 3 worst starts ever. I'm okay with that being a one-time deal.

What sucks more than a 44 day cycle?

The period that follows said cycle. It's like having two in one. B-L-O-W-S. Blows more than the 200+ MPH leaf blower that the hubs picked up this weekend. We're talking hurricane force winds here people.

That is all for now. Back to my snapping at employees, tea, and my heating pad.

Holy AF Batman

I am having what is potentially the worst period I've EVER had. Yesterday was the first full day and I think I bled more yesterday than I typically would my whole period. I went through about 10 or so tampons and the only reason it wasn't more was because of the length of time I went in the shower and no the toilet. My cramps were awful.

I feel bad complaining because J is still hurting from his accident, but the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from a long hellish day at work was take care of someone else. But, I did. I got to relax a little, but then there were chores that needed to be done, dinner that had to get made, etc. I was in tears by the time I got to get in the shower and lay down.

My fingers were crossed that this morning would be better. But, no. (TMI warning!) As soon as I got out of bed, I flooded. That's the best way to describe it. There was a mad scramble to the bathroom because it was running down my legs. So I did what any girl in my position would do. I cleaned my sorry ass up and I cried again. Got to love those hormones.

I still haven't called the doctor. I wasn't in any mood to talk to J about what we wanted to do next and I think if I'd had to, it would have just resulted in more tears.

Is it Friday yet?

Exhaustion

Well, I'm fairly certain AF will be knocking on my door with her bags in hand any time now. Not only have I been cranky and overly emotional (my poor husband...), but I am TIRED.

I slept about 9 hours last night. I woke up this morning and was only awake for a couple hours before I had my first nap of the day. J watched an entire movie while I slept on him. I was so cozy, I didn't want to get up. But, I was a good wife and dusted myself off, made us lunch, and did some grocery shopping. I wasn't back home for more than 30 minutes before nap #2. J dozed with me this time. It was a nice lazy day. I think I needed that after the busy couple weeks we've had.

It is now just after 8:30 and I am already laying down, about to hit the hay for the night. 4:00am come early folks and that alarm is a bitch.