The Chart

If I didn't know through an ultrasound that my follicles were not developed enough to release an egg, especially not around the time FF said I may have ovulated, my chart wouldn't be looking soooo bad. Especially with the slightly increased temp this morning.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it's nice to have a chart that doesn't look like a rollercoaster for a change, but on the other hand I know it isn't real. At least I don't have the opportunity to build up all of that hope only to be sent crashing back down. I've done enough crashing for one month.

Not Great News.

I had an ultrasound yesterday. It was CD13 and the doc was checking to see if my follicles were developing and ready for ovulation.

We had a chat before my rendezvous with the dildo cam about what we wanted to do depending on the results. If I was developing and looking like I was close to where I should be, did we want to do a trigger shot of HSG to force the issue? If we did that, did we want to go forward with IUI or attempt to time sex the old fashion way. We had decided that we'd trigger and time it the old fashion way. If I was not developing we had decided that I would change meds. He said that if a woman is "Clomid resistant" they will typically respond better to this other med (for the life of me I cannot remember the name! It is driving me crazy........). We could go that route and it can take a couple of months to impact me and help me ovulate.

Well, it turns out that I did not respond AT ALL. My follicles were the same size they were during my CD4 check up. .82 & .90 Doc said that usually at this stage you would see ovaries with follicles at twice that size. Well shit. That was kind of a kick to the stomach. Honestly I was really surprised not to have any response. The rest of our conversation was mostly a blur because I was just zoned out. However, there was one part that stuck. He said that after we try this medication, if we're not successful we'll need to move on to more 'serious' measures. Hormone therapy, steroids, etc. He said at that time he would need to refer me to a specialist for treatment. It really sunk in then. This whole process has been surreal from the beginning. Like it wasn't possible we were actually talking about my life and my body. That's over. It hit home that this isn't a fluke. I really am damaged goods.

I managed to make it out of the office with J, who of course hasn't stopped talking about how we'll make this work, this medicine will be better than the last, and how it was good to have a plan. I just nodded a long. We'd met at the hospital, so we had to drive home separately. The minute I got in my car I started sobbing. Like hyperventilating, snotty, hiccup crying. WHY!? What did I do so wrong that I deserve this?! Does God know something I don't? Does he know I will be an awful mother or something?

J did his best all evening to cheer me up. He even sat on the edge of the tub while I showered and tried to give me a pep talk. "Well work this out, Sweepea. Please don't be sad. You haven't given up hope, have you?" Broke my heart. So, of course I cried again.

New game plan: take this new medicine next cycle (this cycle is done with as far as I'm concerned), return for another mid-cycle check-up and see how things are going. We'll go the trigger route if they're good and J and I are still chatting about whether or not we'll do IUI vs. naturally timing sex. I'm just going to refuse to think about anything past that until we have to. Denial is a strong survival mechanism.

Have I mentioned recently that this whole thing just SUCKS. I hate it. I hate all of it.

A couple of updates before we head to the airport..

Had an ultrasound and a good chat with the doctor. He decided to up my dosage again this month (150mg), before deciding if we're going to try and switch medication. I go back next Thursday so that he can take a good peek at my folicles, and see if am actually preparing to O.

J's SA came back and the results were really good. I am relieved not to have to fight this from both ends. He had excellent motility and morphology and they like to see between 20-90 million troops per ml and J provided them with about 74.5. 'Doesn't get much better than that' the doc said. Boy was it nice to hear those words for a change.

So, here we go again. Day 1 of the 150mg dosage. Since I had mild symptoms last month, we'll just have to see how I do this month. Wish us luck!

Doctor Visit

Went to the doctor today for our check-in. It's crazy to think that it's been three months already, but at the same time it drug by. J has been scheduled to do his sperm analysis. The doctor thinks it's good that I seem to be responding to Clomid, even intermittently. His hope is that increasing the dose will do the trick. Me too! Because we increased the dosage, he's going to have me back in a month if I get my period and make sure that I'm doing okay with the increase. If I get KU then he'll see us in about 6 weeks. Let's hope for the latter, shall we?

We talked a little about the overall game plan. We chatted about monitored cycles, HSG, IUI's, hormone therapy, and IVF. Pretty much our plan is in that order. Depending on our luck this month he may bring me in next month. If we're still not lucky, then I'm looking at a HSG. Then probably round the 2year mark, we'll talk more seriously about insemination. That could be moved up depending on the results of J's SA. If that doesn't turn out well, we may bump that up earlier in the game plan.

So, that's where we stand. When my ladybits stop looking like what can only be compared to a WWII reenactment, we'll get this road on the show. Here's to the start of a new month.

Vent.

AF showed today, so we officially have closure on Cycle16. Time to call the doctor. Time to talk to my Mama (I'm scared folks).

I'm still bloated and gassy. Although there have been some improvements in this arena, my pants are snug.

I am uber congested. It started with allergies this weekend (I'm not a big fan of cats) and has just lingered. Well today even my ears feel plugged.

I just need to make it through the next 4 hours of meetings and I can get home and crawl into bed. That's all I'd like right now.

/Vent.

Should have saved the dollar.

Results: Negative and a big temp drop. It's just a matter of time now. With this luck AF will probably show smack dab in the middle of the baby shower I have to go to today.

Bye bye Cycle #___.... is it bad that I don't even know off the top of my head anymore?

*Edit* I went back and looked it up. 16.

My Rollercoaster Hopes

Yesterday when I took my temp, I thought the end was eminent. It didn't drop a lot, but it did drop. Until this morning. It is now back up to it's highest point yet. I'm also on CD30. So... technically I am late. But I'm not certain as to when I O'd. Do I test? Do I not test? Do you see my rollercoaster issue?

I think I may wait until Saturday morning. Give myself another couple of temps to see if things stay up. Not a single PMS symptom in sight, so we'll see!

If you have a spare prayer or positive thought, I'd sure appreciate it.

Frustration.

Not a single step in the TTC process would I consider 'easy'. It is filled with challenges, tough decisions, emotions, etc. The last 16 months have definitely had their peaks and valleys.

Taking the meds has been fairly uneventful the last two months. I haven't had any crazy side affects and I appear to be ovulating. All good things, no denying that. Why is it then the first thing I think of is that it is an extra kick to the ladybits when AF arrived? 'What!? But I'm a functioning reproductive woman now! What is it this time!?' Why is it that I neglect to remember (or care?) that these things take time. You know how everyone says that it will take even a 'healthy' couple up to a year to conceive? Well damnit, I don't want to wait another year!

So much for my hard learned lesson in patience...

I think I may have a sit down with my mom. Now for those that don't know her in the real world, be jealous. She is probably the greatest mom on the face of this here earth. She is one of those strong, selfless, single mother types. You know, the kind that keeps the world on its axis with one hand and defends the innocent against all evil with the other. Well, I haven't told her a peep about this. For the longest time I wanted this to be a wonderful surprise. I didn't want to give her something else to worry about. She wants to be a grandmother and I want to give that to her.

However, it has almost been a year and a half. Now instead of feeling like I'm preparing for a big surprise, I feel like I'm hiding a rather large part of my life from her. To top it off, I have no idea what my family history is like. Did she or my grandmother have trouble conceiving? I know that my grandmother, mother, and aunt have all had to have hysterectomies and they were not by choice. That freaks me out, not going to lie. Maybe there is something more for me to learn. I think I will wait until the end of this cycle. Hold out hope for one more potential month. Then when I head back to the doc to discuss next steps, I will fill her in. Oh boy am I not looking forward to that conversation. Mental note: bring the Kleenex.

Thanks for hanging in there, here we go again.

A 'positive' step.

Last night was my first ever, no doubt about it, positive OPK. 15 seconds after the little test was dipped into my pink cup of urine, two lines started to form. The test line already forming darker than the control.

When I took the test I was really tired. I had a busy day, been to the gym, walked the dog, etc. I was beat. J and I joked before I took the test that today would be the day I'd get a positive because the last thing I felt like doing was rolling around in the sheets. Sure enough! Boy did I perk up in a hurry. "We get to do it!!?" Was J's reaction. lol

Monday was my first day in a long time, probably almost a year, where I had serious EWCM. Gobs of it! (Lovely, I know.)

Needless to say it was a couple of very exciting evenings for me. Granted there is never any guarantees, but I feel like we are finally making progress. Two positive steps, two days in a row.

Clomid Tentative Crosshairs

For once I agree with FF - it is possible that I ovulated on the 15th.

I have been testing with OPK's and am really bad at holding it for four hours and not drinking fluids. It is because of this that I believe my test line was not dark than the control. Saturday (11/14) I had a very very faint pink line. Sunday there was a distinct pink line, but it was not darker than the very dark control. However I'd been working around the house all morning and afternoon and drank tons of water, which of course is supposed to dilute you LH levels... I counted it as negative on my chart and made note of it.

The other factor is my CM. Since the start CM has always been hit/miss for me. NOT this month. This month I'm a lube factory. lol - TMI, I know.

All I know for sure is that so far we've 'canvased the area', so if I did O at all we put forth our best efforts. ;) The signs aren't certain, even with meds. I'm left here to wonder for another couple of weeks.