Finding our stride.

I feel like Lily and I are finding our breast feeding stride. It isn't perfect yet - my nipple still isn't completely healed, and she doesn't always have the best latch, but we're getting there. I've been exclusively breast feeding for a week now. My confidence has wavered a few times. She has spit up more than I'd like at times and she's been going through a growth spurt that's left her feeling less than satiated some evenings, but all-in-all, we're doing it!

I have been a little stressed about whether or not she's gaining weight. I almost bought a baby scale to make me feel better, but I've tried just not to think about it. I've got to stop stressing the details now that things are going a bit better. She's peeing and pooping, so I've got to have faith that all else is working itself out.

This morning we had a bit of an 'episode' I'll call it. She was falling asleep at the boob when she started to spit up, I think it caught her off guard a bit and caused her to cough it up. In the spit up was spots of blood (red) and it startled me quite a bit. She otherwise seemed fine and was asking to nurse a minute later. A few hours later I nursed again and this time it wasn't spots, but about 20 minutes after I nursed, there was clotty chunks of blood.

I kind of freaked out for a minute, but checked over what I knew - she'd had the frenotomy last week, but looking in her mouth the site was good and she had no other marks. She's been a little sleepy and I've had a cold - maybe she caught that? Reaction to something I've taken or eaten?

I called the pediatrician and got an appointment for the afternoon and we laid low. I chatted with my contacts, including my lactation consultant. While we talked through the details (was I bleeding? How was she acting? etc) we landed on the fact that she probably burst a blood vessel when she coughed up her breakfast. Fast forward to out appointment - confirmed - thank goodness! Before could even tell him too much, he described how it's really easy for something like that to happen and it will quickly clot. Which explains why it was clotty the second time. He gave her a good once over and declared her perfectly fine. Phew!

I swear, this child is going to give me a heart attack before she can even sit up on her own.

The silver lining though - it wasn't breast feeding this time! lol

Bigger silver lining? He weighed her - 11 pounds 13 ounces. That's a gain of 13 ounces in 13 days!

I gave myself a quiet little pat on the back for sticking to it. Even with the ups and downs, we're doing our best and we haven't given up just yet. Let's just hope the trend continues and this week is better than the last.

All Clear!

I had my six week check up today and got the sign off from Doc Oc. I've healed up nicely, the ol' ute is back to its original self, and I'm healthy as a horse.

We did talk through my feeling down and he was a great listener, as always. He agreed that we'd had a rough go of it (he was impressed we were still fighting the breast feeding battle) and that my feeling down was probably a natural response to the stress and frustration. We agreed that should it get worse or I feel the need for intervention, that I will call or go back in.


I decided to go on the mini-pill. The IUD comes with a number of risks that we just weren't willing to tackle at the moment. A lot of people have really great experiences with them, but with our history of infertility, combined with my uncertainty, we went another way. We'll see how it goes - I haven't been on the pill in years!

Speaking of the breast feeding battle... we are trudging along. It's two steps forward and a step back. Some times she nurses really well and I think we're moving right along and the next time she is chompy, pulling, I'm sore so I don't let down, and then she throws up. Right now I'm just doing my best, taking my supplements, and trying all the tricks I know to keep things going as smoothly as they can while my boob continues to heel and she gets used to working her tongue.

Tonight has been rough. She was fussy, so I fed her, and she threw up. I say threw up and not spit up because of the sheer volume. But, now I'm empty! Thankfully I had a couple ounces in the fridge from pumping last night and was able to top her off. That staved her off for about 45minutes so I tried to nurse her again. She fell asleep at the boob and that lasted about another 15-20minutes before the next complete meltdown. Have you fed your baby, had them spit it all up and then still be hungry? What do you do? 

We get this fussy time about 6-8 every night. It's so hard to see her so upset and not have a good solution. A sweet friend recommended bath time and that has been a lifesaver on more than one occasion. Does your baby have a 'witching hour'? What are your tricks for bringing them around?

I'm off to take my turn at soothing the babe. G'night!

4 ounces!

We saw the nurse for another weigh-in today. On Tuesday Lily weighed in at 9lbs 11oz. In three days she wanted to see at least a gain of 1.5 ounces - or .5 ounces a day. And what did she weigh?

- insert drum roll -

9pounds 15ounces!! - A gain of 4 ounces!

VICTORY!

::chubbybabydance::

I am so relieved to have that behind us. We are starting to get it down - she slept so much better between feeds last night I woke up feeling rested.

She was alert and all smiles in the doctors office too. Not even a peep when we had to strip her down or change her diaper. And we're now back home, relaxing in the back yard while Lily takes a nap.

Today, we kicked ass.

Now Hiring: Wetnurse, Nanny, and a Housekeeper (A Vent.)

Cause damn it - I'm tired. Three nights of only sleeping in 45 minutes stretches has caught up. The days are starting to go really well. Lily is napping, breastfeeding is going a bit better (with one exception I'll talk about in a minute), we even made it to the grocery store yesterday. Then night time comes and the gloves come off. She wants to marathon feed and then will wake up the instant she's laid down. Or she'll lay awake forever just looking around... Or, like last night, I woke up, changed her diaper, she ate for almost 30 minutes, she burped and laid there forever. She finally closes her eyes almost 40 minutes later... and poops. So, I change her, she's wide awake again.. we rock and snuggle - and she asks for the boob again. And we start over.

Lord-e-mercy child! We could not get in sync last night. And since I didn't get a nap yesterday, there were tears. Snotty ones. And not two hours before we started settling down for the evening, I'd declared victory on the day. That's when the universe saw fit to karate chop me down a peg.

J did everything he could to help us and the poor guy had to work today - now add guilt. We finally got things settled a few hours later and I got strict orders to do nothing today but nap with the baby. Now - before you jump on me cause I'm online - she's laying here awake - I swear!

I'm trying to be patient with myself. To take things as the come. Allow myself space to learn and let everything else fall away. But that's hard! I want to have confidence that the next night will be better and that it's okay for me to get a few things done - you know, like shower and make dinner... only to self destruct later.


At our two week visit we hit another speed bump - Lily hasn't gained weight. She was 9lbs 14oz at three days and Tuesday, she was 9lbs 11oz. The nurse instantly suggested we supplement with formula. That was like a kick in my metaphorical nuts. I had some really great conversations with my friend Rachel (who called on her midwife and pediatric friends) for some advice. I've changed up some of our feeding - letting her go as long as she wants, even if that means spitting up (which has gotten more 'normal' again btw). The running theory is that at our three day visit, she wasn't done losing weight. My milk didn't come in until that day, so she probably lost weight for another couple days and is on the upswing now. So, we have another weigh-in on Friday. Until then I am not going to supplement. If she's continuing to lose weight, we'll talk about it again then. I really don't think my supply is an issue - I can tell they're full. If you have a spare positive thought - please think/pray/wish for a bit of weight gain tomorrow. We need a win around here.

Last nights drama? Also, breast feeding related. My left nipple is killing me. When Lily spit up last night - it was kind of thick and mucus-y (which is fine), but it was tinged with brown. The brown freaked us out. Turns out my nipple is bleeding a tiny bit. There is also a small white spot on the end of my nipple. I need to allow my nipples to air dry and switch away from the disposable breast pads to something that breathes better. When we visit the nurse on Friday, I am going to ask about thrush. I have been doing some reading (FYI - don't look at images of Thrush - it's enough to make anyone panic) and we have a fair amount of the symptoms, including the fact that we had antibiotics after labor (which can kill off the 'good' bacteria and encourage yeast growth). If I do have thrush, I know it would be minor. We'll see...

My stride could not be found soon enough. I love this little girl. The time we get to spend together, snuggle, and I get to look at her sweet face... the best in the universe. She is so stinkin cute and I just cannot believe she's ours. She's starting to be a bit more aware when she is awake. Wide eyed and checking things out. Every single day I'm in awe that she is here. Finally. For once I would just like a few less hurdles. Struggling to get her here, a long labor, tricky breastfeeding... fewer speed bumps and more time basking in her awesomeness is all I ask. Is that too much?

With all that said - yes, I am hiring. Not really, cause we're broke, but isn't it a nice dream? Nap with your sweet baby while someone else runs around cleaning, changing a thousand diapers a day, and chaffing their nipples? Meanwhile, I am off to feed my sweet girl. Dreaming that my nipples that are in one piece while I stroke her adorable chubby cheeks.

(I'm not even going to go back and read this. It was meant as a thought-dump and that's what it will be. Blech - there it is. Motherhood - Day 18.)

Sweet Relief

Today's appointment went so well. Doc Oc is pretty confident that my bleeding was irritation caused by the ever growing and implanting placenta. I have a subchorionic hematoma and it has shrunk a good deal since our ER visit on Saturday. So things should be wrapping up and physically it appears to be doing so.

Baby is none the wiser! He/she was having quite the dance party in there while we were looking around. Playing and happy as could be. I could watch that screen all day.

I feel so much better confirming that things are all good. I got to take my first deep breath in days. There is not a physical way to be more grateful than we are right now.

With such fabulous news and a lot of face time with the babe, I couldn't be selfish! Here is a updated mugshot of our Spawn:Can you see the little hands and feet? idie

Healthy & Growing!

Today's appointment went very well. I just love Doc Oc. Jeremy does to, you know why? Because that man loves to give me a hard time. When talking about my diet I mentioned being nervous about weight gain because of the struggles I've always had with food and weight gain. His response was that for now, I need to eat whatever I can keep down and whatever makes me feel best. "Carbs are your friend." But that in a couple of months he's going to 'slap me around a little bit' and I'll have to 'get with the program'. J just chuckles in the corner. Anytime someone else gives me crap, they're instantly his favorite.

I asked a good portion of my questions (I got distracted and forgot to ask the last couple), we talked through episiotomies, csections - the when and the why - and was happy to report that we were on the same page. That page being, episiotomies are for emergencies only and that there are acceptable and necessary times for a c-section (previa, breach, etc), but he tends to push for vaginal until absolutely necessary and that 'baby is boss'. Also, that any and all decisions in the delivery room were collaborative and we'd make them all together. I like that he respects my desire to have the information and participate. That's huge in our book.

I feel very comfortable with our care. I know that there is a chance he won't be our delivering doctor (it was a scenario/question I didn't get to), but knowing the general vibe of his practice made us both feel very at ease.

The wee-one is about 2/3" long and measuring right at 8 weeks. Since we've been 2 days 'behind' at each visit, my EDD has been adjusted to 8/16 (like that means something!). My next appointment is not for 4 more weeks - just like a normal fertile myrtle!

128

That is exactly how many beats per minute (BPM) our baby's heartbeat was today.

128 BPM

A little gummy bear with a valve flashing with each beat. It was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Screw the 7 wonders, someone just got bumped.

It took a bit for it to sink in, but we both got choked up.

This day has been a long time coming and we are grateful for every single moment. We are so in love. I'm sorry that I don't have more to share, but I didn't want to leave you waiting.

I will leave you with this, a portrait of our little Spawn...

he/she kind of looks like a snowman, no?

Our First Ultrasound

While the first ultrasound would not still be for a couple of weeks, my doc is 'untrasound happy' and likes to get one early as a viability scan. You won't get a complaint out of me! Overall the appointment went really well! He agrees with my tracking the pregnancy via ovulation date, and not LMP (Last Monthly Period) since we were tracking so carefully.

I am officially 6 weeks pregnant today.

Blogosphere, meet Sprout 2.0, or as Jeremy calls him - Spawn. OR, as I randomly started calling him/her today - Little Pea. (Jeremy calls me Sweet Pea, this is probably where I got it.)

This isn't the greatest of the photos he took, but you can faintly see the outline of the sac that is our wee one! We are measuring at 5weeks 5days, which is pretty great considering how easy it is to be off by just a small amount. We spent a minute trying to tell if Little Pea's heart was beating, or if it was just moving fluid. Because we couldn't tell, we called it 'too early' and decided we'll look again next week. We knew it would be early, but we had to try! Our next appointment is on Thursday, 12/29. We will be 7weeks 3days and should be able to see the heartbeat. Our first real OB appointment is on 1/4.

Our doctor was on call, so we spent some quality time with his nurse. She did a great job answering our questions and sent us packing with a ton of stuff to read and consider. But, not before they took 37 gallons of my blood (give or take).

Of course we were hoping and praying to see a heartbeat today, but we still feel so much more positive about this pregnancy. It was a little alarming at first to see something that so resembled our beloved Sprout this summer. But, we are supposed to be measuring at this size right now - whereas Sprout should have been a couple weeks more mature. It was a little tug that reminded me to send our first little love a prayer.

We're off to a great start! Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it!

Waiting.

The waiting game never ends.

I have an update to give and I'm trying to stay positive while I give it.

After our little bleeding episode we had my blood checked to see whether or not I was RH-. We know from my last update that I am not. That was good news. The other information my nurse call to tell me was that they also ran my beta's again (I didn't know they were going to) and it was 14,100. The night before (about 12 hours earlier when we were in for the bleed) I was 14,600.

The nurse talked to me and said it could be a lot of things - a random swing in hormone levels, a vanishing twin, or miscarriage. Needless to say, I had a royal panic attack. I'm talking snotty ugly cry with a side of hyperventilation for good measure. Not my finest moment. Friday morning I had calmed down a good deal. All hope was certainly not lost and for Sprout's sake, I needed to stay positive.

Somehow I survived a (thankfully busy) work day and we decided to try to go into the doctors office a bit early and see if we could get fit in. They got us in right away. We did my vitals and she went to grab Doc Oc for an ultrasound. Feet in the stirrups, my old friend the Dildo Cam and I got familiar again.

Immediately Doc Oc saw what he thought were two sacs. As we continued to move around it appeared that the 'second sac' was more than likely not a sac, but a subchorionic hemorrhage. It most likely was caused by the implanting of the placenta. Unfortunately we couldn't tell if it was the 'second sac' we thought we saw or if it was blocking our view.

The first sac measured about 5 1/2 weeks. He mentioned that sac measurements are not the greatest to base gestation off of because they can vary so wildly. Unfortunately there wasn't anything else to see and measure. It was one of two things - 1. it is too early to see anything in which case I need to come back in a week - or 2. there isn't anything to see.

Doc Oc said that my beta rise was very classic and healthy and that the stall (the numbers didn't dip enough to be considered a drop) we saw isn't unheard of, especially in the vanishing twin scenario. But, unfortunately, that doesn't leave us with a conclusive answer. We decided to do another beta. I should have the results today.

If the numbers increase, my next u/s is 8/1. If they decline... well then we discuss next steps and a miscarriage.

Now, we're just waiting for the phone to ring. Again.

Jeremy and I are not typically the formal praying type, but last night as we laid down to sleep, we held hands, placed them on my tummy and prayed with Sprout. Prayed that he/she is in there growing and thriving. Should you have a prayer or positive thought, please send them Sprout's way.

Dr. K and the new game plan

Our first appointment with Seattle Reproductive Medicine went great! I am very happy that they were open on a Saturday, that made if very convenient.

The nurse took my vitals and pictures of J and I, she was very friendly. Afterward, Dr. K brought us back to her office. It was the first time we'd discussed our game plan, and the state of my lady-bits, over a desk and not while I'm up on an exam table.

She asked about our history and what we'd be through with our other doctor (Doc Oc). She explained the typical protocol for a new patient, how PCOS works and how the different treatment options could affect me/our chances of conception, and what she typically recommends.

Dr. K says that there are two basic plans, IUI or IVF. Since I am young and assumably have a good ovarian reserve (plenty of eggs left) and J has excellent little swimmers, she thinks we'd have great success with IUI. Secondly she talked about the drugs that could help me ovulate more regularly since that is obviously our largest obstacle. Since I'd previously seen more success with Femara (vs my non-response to Clomid), we're going to start with that.

I will go in for a baseline ultrasound once my next period starts. Based on the looks of things (so long as there isn't any problems like a large cyst, etc) we are going to do the max dose of Femara (3 tablets) on days 3 through 7 (slightly more aggressive than days 5-9). Potentially even days 3-9 for a better response.

In addition to the Femara, I got a prescription for Metformin. I start taking that immediately so that when we get going next cycle I will be ramped up to the full dose (you gradually increase the dose to minimize side effects). This is my first time on Met and hopefully the combination of these two drugs will be what I need! Metformin works by helping to regulate my blood sugar. A fringe benefit may be that with that help, and my continued focus on eating right and exercising, it could help me with weight loss. Won't get any complaints from me!

She also talked to us a bit about injections: HCG & FSH. Dr. K did not recommend the FSH injections for someone with PCOS. Because PCOS causes a lot of follicles to develop (vs. a normal woman who has 2 or 3) the FSH could result in a lot of those follicles maturing and vastly increase the rate of a multiples pregnancy. The HCG trigger may be the direction we go. We'll see!

Afterward we established our game plan she collected some information about us (are we allergic to anything? taking meds? how often we have intercourse? Do we do drugs or drink? etc). The only medicine I am taking is a Vitamin D supplement, because like every single person in Western Washington - I lack the necessary environment (AKA the sun) to produce enough of that on my own. She asked J if he has had his tested and he hasn't. We learned something else new - according to a new study Dr. K has read, apparently a deficiency in Vitamin D can impact the strength of the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. Go figure! We'll see what J's results look like and go from there.

That's the plan! We really like our new doctor, we're very comfortable with the current game plan, and actually a little excited for my next cycle so that we can get started!

If you have experience with Metformin (and I know some of you do!) or even the Femara/Metformin combination, I would love to hear about it.

To the RE we go.

After 10 months, J and I are headed back to the doctor today. In less than an hour we'll be leaving to see our new doctor for the first time. My mountain of paperwork is filled out, my transcripts have been transferred over, so physically I am completely prepared. Why am I so nervous?

I'm hoping that we can do this without losing myself again. That I can handle the doctors visits, meds, and intensity without going to the deep dark place I did last summer.

I'm nervous, but hopefully this will be what we need. If you have a moment to wish me luck, I would appreciate your positive thoughts.

Full report to come tomorrow!

Moley Moley Moley

Yesterday I had a not-so-fun visit with the dermatologist. The purpose of my visit was the investigation of a particular mole. I have quite a few moles and freckles (not the giant hairy kind, don't go getting imaginative!), but this one on my back seems to have grown, gotten oblong, and darkened up.

My doctor (AKA Mary Cutsohappy), decided that she didn't like it, or another one on my back and shouted, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" Ala the Queen of Hearts from Alice and Wonderland. I might be exaggerating slightly, but they were removed none the less. Off to the lab they go.

Two moles removed, two sets of stitches. One is right under my bra strap (almost on my spine), the other is on my left shoulder blade. Neither of them feel good when I move. Did you know that you basically cannot move a muscle without it moving the skin on your back? If you didn't, now you do. Because they are on my back and that is a high-tension area, I was instructed no stretching or the gym for two whole weeks until I had my stitches out. TWO WEEKS!? Doesn't she know I'm trying to ditch the Chub Club? Damn moles getting in the way of my Quest for Sexiness.

Today I'm doing okay. Uncomfortable for sure, but I'm toughing it out and I'm glad I got it taken care of now. J was very sweet and washed my hair for me last night since I couldn't take a shower for 24hours. It was a wet mess, but a sweet gesture. Love that man.

My good friend Rachel had a good question this morning. She asked, "Could it be hormonal? I mean, at this point can't we blame everything on your hormones?"

Damn skippy, Rach. Damn. Skippy.

A new day is upon us.

Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. N (ND) to discuss my new diet and the general make-Mrs.S-smoking-hot game plan. I am super excited, and a tiny bit nervous, to start this new regime.

Listen here metabolism and body fat - there's a new boss in town. Start packing your shit because this is your official notice.

My goal is steep - I would like to lose 25lbs by May 17. While I realize it will be super tough getting there, it will be worth every pound. It may mean 4 months of suffering and learning to live a different lifestyle, but it is what needs to be done. For my health, my sanity, and at the end of the day I will be in a much better place to conceive and house a child for 9 full months.

Let the games begin!

Naturopath Appointment

It went SO incredibly well. Dr. N is awesome. I have to say, I love her.

She asked all kinds of questions, was a great listener, and explained things very well. I talked about our struggle with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. The troubles I've always had losing weight. We talked a lot about how symptomatic-medicine treats symptoms and not the cause of the symptoms. The Clomid, chemical progesterone, Femara... they're not going to cure PCOS. They're going to force (or try to) ovulation. Dr. N believes there is probably more to my story, especially because these treatments didn't always work for me.

Dr. N asked if I have a thyroid problem. I told her no and explained that when I first started losing weight I had been tested and I was within the 'normal' range. She feels that those ranges are crap. That I might squeak into, even the low end of, a prescribed set of numbers, but maybe that range isn't good for me. Maybe I need to operate at a higher level than they 'expect'. She asked me questions about my hair (thin/fine), nails (always breaking), bowel movements (hello constipation and hemeroids), energy level (constant fatigue), muscle cramps (I hate charlie horses, but get them often)... etc etc. I think you see where I'm going here. She said all of this isn't exact, but it paints a picture of low thyroid. We have to wait for my blood work to be certain. I'd like to mention that when I had to lay it all out there like that I realized that I something obviously was wrong. If a friend told me they had all of the above, I'd tell them to get off their lazy butts and get to the doc. These things come on slowly and over time we adjust to them and they feel 'normal'. Boy I can't wait to clear things up and see what normal really feels like.

The remainder of the appointment went in a very similar fashion. We talked about my menstrual cycles, stress, diet, and so on. Her, I should say OUR (my opinion was very much a factor), plan is to treat ME - not my PCOS. The reason the 'S' in PCOS stands for 'Syndrome' is that it isn't a disease. It is a group of general symptoms. And it can be caused by different things for different people. That means I cannot just take the same meds as everyone else and expect to get better. We've got to fix ME. Hopefully doing so will alleviate some, or all, of my PCOS symptoms.

Our number 1 goals is my weight. We've got a plan!

Step one in the plan will come with the results of my blood work. She is going to check my thyroid, potential food allergens, hormone levels, etc. With that will be the Mrs.S specific diet. Are there foods that my body is busy battling when it could be focused on my metabolism? We'll find out!

Step two is the HCG diet. In a couple of weeks I will be attending an informational class, so I will give you all the details then. Just know that it sounds like just the thing I need. I am doing well with maintaining, but losing is a giant bitch. If I could just get there, I know I could do it. She said I sounded like the perfect candidate. More to come!

Step three in the grand plan is acupuncture. Firstly I am going to be treated for overall health and later we'll move toward treatment along the fertility route.

Folks, I am SO excited. I cannot even express how excited I am. I have not felt this good, or confident, in a very long time. This folks, is a plan. I love a good plan. It helps that Dr.N is so excited too. She had really good energy and enthusiasm about what we could accomplish. The thing I loved most is that she was so personable. I felt like she has got my back.

The best thing about the whole visit is that I left feeling confident and motivated. I felt validated in my concerns (you know when something just isn't right). And most importantly a lot of my stress and depression have been centered around having to live with this the rest of my life. Okay, so I go through with an IUI or IVF, what if we want another child? Or I want to maintain a healthy metabolism. Having everything always be a struggle. It doesn't have to be that way! I was saved today and I have to say, it feels pretty great.

To all of my PCOS ladies out there, and the rest of you as well, if you have a naturopath in your area I would really recommend it. When my girlfriend was telling me about it I kind of wrote it off because it is 'different'. Then I learned my insurance covers my visits with her just like a regular MD. She does annual exams, paps, and can even be my primary care doc. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Naturopathy and Dr. N get a giant gold star in my book.

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank a dear sweet friend of mine, Susan. She was my inspiration for finally getting up and doing something. Check out her blog as she works to get fit too! Congrats on the 6.8lbs in your first week!!

I'm really looking forward to sharing my journey in getting healthy and staying that way! I'm certain that if I can make my body a bit more fit and functional (and sex-ay before Europe!), that maybe just maybe a baby will agree and move in. Good plan, no?

Uncle

I give.

Instead of this appointment confirming my progress and ending with a shot in my ass, it showed that my follicles had not grown at all. In fact, they were smaller. To say I was crushed is an understatement. No trigger. No IUI.

Doc Oc apologized. We discussed my inconsistent responsiveness to the Femara. He said that he didn't think that there was anything further he could do for me except to give me the card of a doctor (RE) he works closely with at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. He felt that I am 'more complicated' and could benefit from a more aggressive treatment than he could provide. The great part about seeing this OB was that basically everything was covered by my insurance. The RE? Not a chance.

Folks, I got dumped.

There is a big difference between planning to take a break if this cycle doesn't pan out and having the cycle cut short without really ever having a chance. My heart hurts. My eyes are welling up as we speak. That 20 minute drive home, knowing my husband is waiting. Knowing that he's waiting for me to come home and tell him the plan. When is our IUI appointment? What does he need to be prepared for? Those were the questions I went in to the office with today. Questions I still don't have the answer to.

This is where I cry uncle. I feel defeated and beat down. That doesn't quite even cover it. More like I feel drawn and quartered. My heart is in a vice. I called Rachel when I left the office today and bawled. Her advice was to take the time I needed to mourn the close of this particular chapter. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing - mourning. Mourning the loss of those three little follies that never came to be. The IUI I never got to have. Another month where I could not make my lovely and amazing husband a father.

It is time for us to take a break. To take a giant deep breath and reset. No more doctors appointments, medications, copays, pee sticks, etc. For now. Make no mistake, while we plan to take a good break, we'll be back. Wiser, more prepared, and well rested. Watch your back IF/PCOS. You may have won the battle, but we're going to win this damn war.

My Date with Doc Oc

Before I sat down to relax with the hubs, I decided I would knock out the update.

I've got three follicles vying for Folly of the Year. That's the most follicles I've had at any mid-cycle check thus far! Average size was only about 16ish mm (14.5, 16, 17), so they're definitely not ready yet, but we're on our way! Wednesday I go back to check in and get triggered. All goes well and we'll be getting our first IUI on Thursday.

Let's hope it all goes according to plan!

I was relieved to see that things were ticking right along, even if I wasn't feeling anything like I did last month. I've got to STOP this over analytical thing I've got going on. This week will be bringing plenty of distraction as we've got family (on both sides) in town this week/weekend. Next week I am the only manager in our whole office, so hopefully that means the week will go by fast! The weekend after we'll be camping. TONS going on, so bring on the distraction! My birthday will be CD28 and approx 13-14 dpiui.... now the question is - Would you test on your birthday!?

Midcycle Success

Best. Midcycle. Check.

Yup, that's right, I have growing thriving follies down there! Two, that are HUGE compared to any others I've ever had. Ever. Especially since it is only cd12. One on the left and one on the right.

I would like to take a moment of silence. ::moment::

Now: Double WOOT!!

Dr. Wrong (who I may have to admit already needs a new nickname) got right down to dildo cam business. Immediately we found a 18mm follicle on one side and 19ish on the other.

J and I chatted and decided that we wanted to do another timed-sex cycle instead of pursuing the IUI this cycle. It was important that we know that we did all we could to make this as 'natural' as possible. So, we're going it au-natural again this cycle.

We did decide that we were going to trigger again just to have a bit more control over timing. However, not a single pharmacy in our area has it in stock! I will have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up. 36 hours after that and we'll be getting down to business, as they say. (Whoever 'they' is...)

So, here we go! Wish me luck!

Update On My Date With Dr. Wrong

My doctor was in surgery yesterday so I got another chance to hang with Dr. Wrong. I have to give her credit, she was much more patient and collaborative this time. She would not refill my prescription without a scan, so I went in and got checked out. Everything was fine. Sweet!

We discussed the potential early ovulation and basically decided that even if I did, it wasn't a great response. We're going forward with the 7.5mg dosage on cd 3-7. I asked about the difference between taking the Femara on days 3-7 vs. 5-9. She mentioned that moving forward the dosage is a more aggressive approach. It is essentially equal to upping the dosage. So, we're doing both!

I did have to take my first blood pregnancy test to 'be certain' that I wasn't pregnant before we started the next cycle. This was because the bleeding was not as heavy as typical, I started so early, and I didn't have any of my usual PMS symptoms. BFN, of course.

I am going to begin using my OPK's earlier this month and call if I get a positive before my day 12 scan. Otherwise I am going to cross my fingers and pray that in 10 days I've got a few big fat follicles and am ready for IUI. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the long holiday weekend.

Happy Fourth!

Not great news.

Today my appointment was short, but lacking in the sweet. Though somehow I knew going in this wasn't going to be it. My lining had thinned considerably (by about half) and I had a lot of visible follicles, but none even as large as the two were on Monday. She didn't even bother measuring them. She basically said that it appears I'm not responding. There are a few things we're going to do now.

*I am going to continue OPKs, it is possible that I just haven't ovulated yet. If that is the case I will go in as soon as I get a positive.

*When AF does arrive (if on time) I am going to go in on day 2 or 3 so that they can scope me out. Then I will do another round of Femara. This time it will be 7.5mg and I will take it on days 3-7 instead of 5-9.

*If I don't get my period in a couple of weeks (and no BFP) she wants me to come in a do blood work.

We discussed metformin briefly, but she didn't think I needed it since I've been having 'regular cycles' while I'm taking meds (clomid/femara and the progesterone).

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm feeling defeated. I really thought we'd found what I needed. How can I respond one month and not the next? It just isn't fair. It SUCKS. One tiny step forward and then we're back where we started. Just like always, we'll have to wait and see. Waiting. I'm always waiting on something...

Thank you for all of your well wishes. I wish I had better news to report.

Too Soon To Tell

I had to see one of Doc Oc's other doctors today because he's on vacation. I've seen her once before and like her okay. We came in, recapped my regimen, and got right down to dildocam business. We were able to find quite a few follicles, but they were only about 11-12mm. They are larger than my baseline, but not big enough to be 'mature' yet.

So, what that means is I am headed back to see her on Friday. Usually one or two will step up and take the lead. If they grow at 1-2mm per day, on Friday I should have a follicle around 15mm(low end) to 20mm(high end). Fingers crossed for high end.

No IUI today, we've got to hang in there and wait until the end of the week. I will keep testing with OPK's and call in if I get a positive before then.

Thank you for all of the well wishes. I will keep them close until Friday!