Conversations with your MIL

Scene: out to a nice dinner, MIL comes in and we're already seated.

Me: Hi!

MIL: Well, hello! I hope I didn't leave you waiting.

J: Nope, not at all. We just ordered drinks.

MIL: (to me) What are you having to drink tonight?

Me: Vodka 7

MIL: Oh, well then... Nevermind! I guess that answers my question.

Me & J: Huh?! (Exchange looks of bewilderment)

MIL: Well... if she's drinking she's not... you know...

J: Pregnant?? No, she's not.

::headdeskrepeat::

I cannot imagine why we waited three years until we told her. This cannot happen each time we get together or there will need to be words.

The status of my uterus is not open dinner conversation. She's lucky I didn't start telling her about being on my period while she enjoyed her shrimp cocktail. But, how do you delicately broach that subject?

Oh the joys of an infertile daughter-in-law.

Familial Strife

Recently I posted this. A rant about the rift between my SIL & MIL and the affects it is having on our family.

I sent my SIL an email. I spent a good amount of time crafting it. Trying to be respectful while I shared my feelings and how this has impacted the family. Last night I put together the update to post here. It was filled with mostly good news! Our exchanges weren't fuzzy and loving. We aired all of our issues. Called each other on shortcomings and put it all out there. At the end of it all I gained a second perspective and she agreed to reach out and try to make amends.

I was thrilled to see that perhaps we will see some progress!

This morning I had an email waiting for me. She decided to forward me their conversation so that no one would be left in the dark anymore. So, I started reading. It was great! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't nice. But they were being honest, sharing their feelings. Progress! It felt great to feel like my emotional strife was for a purpose. My SIL ended an email by saying she wanted to put the past behind them and even invited my MIL to the party afterall. SUCCESS! I kept reading.

That all hell broke lose.

My MIL's response to that message was not very nice. It even included a link to a message board post my SIL had made and tried to say she found it when she googled my BIL's name?? Weird. She kept drudging up the past and ended her message with a sign off that basically said, 'Thanks for reaching out. Sorry it didn't work. Maybe next time.'

WHAT?!

But, but, but, all of that wonderful progress. The grown-up steps! The olive branches!

Shot to hell, because it sent my SIL into a fury. She went on about being proven right that my MIL has no boundaries (in reference to the baby board rant) and that she wanted nothing to do with her ever again. That she was being cut off. That she had a delusional version of reality and even ask if she'd hit her head. Ending with a - don't bother to reply, your emails are headed straight to the trash. Oy vey. It was ugly.

I don't know why my MIL did that. Unfortunately it looks like my SIL jumped at the first (I guess it isn't the first) opportunity to completely write her off. They both started off so well and they both ended even more epically.

J and I have talked quite a bit today. Really there just isn't anything more we can do. We tried. We put forth our best efforts. I am happy that perhaps the relationship between us may be on the mend, but I'm devastated that theirs is even worse now. I am really proud of how well J is communicating. That is not a family strong point. He is even planning on thanking my SIL for trying and calling his mom to make sure she's okay. He's a good man. I'm just sad that he has to deal with this familial strife.

Heartbreak

My mother-in-law isn't perfect. We've had adjustments throughout the years as we learned to communicate and define our roles as two women who love the same man. Her family isn't made of great communicators, so understandably there were extra challenges. But, we did get through it. Mostly because I knew her heart was in the right place. She never does anything maliciously. There have been times she invites herself along and we had to learn to be more clear when it we were not open for tag-alongs. She had difficulties adjusting when J and I wanted to start our own traditions. But, nothing unforgivable, right?

Apparently these things are way over the line for my sister-in-law.

A little back story... my sister-in-law has two sons from two different (previous) relationships. Those boys have been nothing but embraced by our family. They're included in Christmas, we call them our nephews, etc. My MIL was especially good at this. Thoughtful of their birthdays, taking them to the zoo, and so on. The only time I know she did anything "wrong" is that she saw on Facebook they were going to the park one summer day (in 2009) and she decided to stop by and say hello. Okay, she wasn't invited, but it was a public place and is it really that big of a deal? It isn't like she showed up at their Disney vacation and said 'I'll be sleeping on the pull out sofa!" My SIL said that she thought our MIL was stalking them and deleted her from her Facebook friends so that she couldn't spy on their whereabouts. ::rolls eyes::

My SIL and I do not agree on much. I never say anything, but I don't agree with the way she parents her children, how she managed her self-proclaimed "high-risk" pregnancy (w/ daily venti mocha frappuccinos and two meals of fast-food), the way she treats my BIL, the stupid passive-aggressive bull she puts on Facebook. She's insecure and frankly she has reason to be.

In the last 4-5 years she has slowly removed my BIL from his group of friends and sadly, his family. Now, I understand this is equally as much his fault, due to his lack of ability to grow a backbone, but that's a discussion for another day. I truly believe that through her emotional abuse (and that backbone I mentioned that my BIL is lacking) she has succeeded for the purposes of keeping him from others who may express their concern. Concern that we never see them anymore. That the number of times I have seen my two year old niece in the last year can easily be counted on one hand (I'd only need two fingers) and that is two more times than my MIL has seen her. Concern that perhaps she isn't a good person and that he could do better for him and my poor niece.

By the way, my MIL has not seen her one and only grandchild since the Fourth of July.

--okay, enough back story and on to the reason for my heartbreak today --

Today is my niece's 2nd birthday. This past weekend we got an invite in the mail to her party at the end of the month. (the celebration they are having tonight is just for family). We have not yet RSVP'ed because we were waiting to hear from J's mom. Well this morning I got an email that said she has not heard anything about E's birthday and sadly she isn't expecting to. How fricken sad is that?

We're not going. I will put a present in the mail and send her a card, but I am not going if my MIL is not invited. J called his brother this morning and his reasoning?? "Her and mom don't get along." WHO THE EFF CARES!? J asked him why she couldn't put her petty crap aside for one day so that their mom could see her one (and potentially only) grandchild on her birthday? Afterall, she was already left out of both of her first Christmases (those were just for family as well). How could he sit there and let that happen? Could he not understand why that would be devastating to their mother?

The saddest part is that J's little brother didn't even seem to care.

I feel awful. I know there isn't much I can do. We've spoken our dislike and it is up to them to make amends. It kills me that I cannot make this right. I cannot give her another child to love (not that it would remove the pain of missing the one she already has) and I cannot make her son, or his equally selfish wife, see reason.

They are supposed to be FAMILY. My family isn't always peaches and sunshine, but dammit if we hurt one anothers feelings, we talk about it (sometimes in raised voices), apologize (sometimes too late), and get the hell over it because we love each other and that is just what you do with your family.

I'm not sure what to do from here. I'm kind of sick to my stomach actually. I just want to drive over there, snatch my niece away from her awful parents, and hug her. After I shield her eyes while I smack her mom.

How can people be so mean spirited and selfish?

Birthday wishes for THE Mama

Today is my mom's birthday. Oh how I love her so. Each year I torture myself, wanting to find her the most perfect gift. She does so much for us throughout the year that I want to find that one thing that will show her just how much we appreciate her. Inevitably that means I'm running around at the last minute with all the Christmas-crazies picking up something that will fill the place of the gift I never found.

We've gotten my mom some nice gifts in the past - jewelry, nights out at fancy restaurants, etc... but none of them are meaningful enough. On this day I hope that she knows just how much she is loved and how grateful we are to have her in our lives.

I love you, Mama!

My Funk.

I'm sorry that it has been a week since I have written. I am blaming it on my current state of funk. Before I dive in today I want to say that I have checked back and read all of the beautiful comments on my last post. You all are amazing, supportive, wonderful women and I love ya, plain and simple. It means more to me than you know to have such great people in my corner.

I have been insanely busy since I was here last. First my in-laws were in town for two days, and then my own aunt and uncle were here for the next three. Mix in there the usual running around, birthday parties, an insane week at work, etc and I've been a little like chicken with my head cut off. The only positive side is that for the most part I've been distracted from my own mind. Only a few times in the last week - 1) a sweet conversation with an old friend I will tell you about in a minute here, 2) the two separate occasions where we were asked the unavoidable 'when are you having kids?', and 3) only to top #2 - 'I thought you two were going to have a baby?' - did I even have time to think about the deep ache in my heart. There is something to be said for distractions.

Now to that sweet conversation I mentioned a second ago. Growing up, quite a few of my closest friends were guys. I had enough of my own drama that I think I liked to surround myself occasionally with someone other than a pack of like-minded dramatic girls. It's probably how I survived ages 14-18 living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in a house with one bathroom (trust me - it was worse than it even sounds.).

But, I digress - one particular such male friend is Ry. He and I became fast friends when I was about 14. We'd talk on the phone for hours discussing his girl trouble, hang out at a friends house, or play video games (family feud on Super Nintendo was our favorite!) while he emptied our refrigerator. He is like a big brother to me. Ry and I have grown up, been through our trials and tribulations, and as is the case with most old friends, we just don't see each other enough. There is work, relationships, schedules, etc. Thankfully we have a number of mutual friends and manage to connect once a month or so.

Last weekend we were all at a friends house and Ry and another friend of ours had a disagreement. Nothing major, but Ry was upset. When he calmed down we sat on the porch with another friend and talked like old times. Something that came out of this good ol' fashion heart to heart was that he knew of our IF struggles. 'Don't be upset,' he said, 'but I know what you and J have been going through.' Of course I wasn't upset. It isn't that I didn't trust him or ever want to confide in him, but the time was just never right. We can't exactly have a good conversation in the middle of 15 of our other friends/family at the hockey game and say 'Oh, and about my broken lady parts....' To be honest, I'm glad he knew. That I didn't have to have that conversation. To see the look in the eyes of another person I care about as I explain our long road. We had a few minutes to ourselves towards the end of our chat and what did we do? We had ourselves a good cry. He rubbed my back and told me that he just knew it would work itself out. That I wasn't broken. That someday I was going to make a great mom. We talked about the break we're taking and the stress of the last two years. It felt like I was 16 and talking to my best friend on the phone. Except this time it was about the status of my uterus and not the boy he was trying to convince me to go to prom with. lol

Friends are priceless. Whether you have practically been siblings since you were 14, or if you've never even 'met' but over the interwebs, friends are how we survive. While I may still be in the middle of a funk, I cannot imagine the depths I would have sunk to without everyone in my life the last week. From those of you that have commented, called, or emailed, to the ones that have held my hand throughout my life - you are my world. My family. It is because of you that I function each day like a relatively normal human being.

Thank you friends. I am truly blessed.

Loss

I am always grateful that as long as this IF road has been for J and I, that we have not had to experience a loss. So many of the women I have met along this road have and I cannot imagine that pain.

I'm not here to chat about that kind of loss today. Today I'm talking about the loss of a parent. (again, not mine) Yesterday one of my best friends lost her mother unexpectedly. If you've been around here for any length of time, you know the support and love Rachel has provided me during this journey. (and many other events in my life) That is just the kind of person Rachel is. She asks questions and gets involved. Not because she's nosey (okay, maybe a liiiittle bit :) but because she cares for people. It's what she does. She's a lover and a compassionate individual. She takes your burdens and makes them her own.

This includes the burden of her family, friends, internet peeps, neighbors, etc. When Rachel and I first became close friends she was caring for her young sister. Approximately 12 years her junior, Rachel's sister left her mother’s house and came to live with Rachel. The reasons here are not really important, but Rachel was able to provide her sister with the love, structure, and support that she desperately needed at that time. Why? Because that's just the kind of person she is.

Rachel has had some unfortunate experiences in her life. She has experienced too much loss, neglectful and hurtful relationships, and just hard times in general. Instead of allowing these life experiences to get her down, she has grown from them. Tremendously. She is a stronger woman and a better mother. Not just a mother to her own beautiful children, but in a way to our whole 'family'. She's there for advice and shoulder when we need it. She gives a roof to a baby sister that needed an escape. While I believe that she has survived and made herself a better person because of her life experiences, I must give some of that credit to Rachel's mother. She provided many examples of how to persevere, as well some examples of ways not to behave (all mothers do that occasionally - no disrespect to her mom).

From this I have been reminded to appreciate what I DO have. To love those that are in my life now and to tell those I love how I feel. Life is too short and isn't always fair.

So to you Rachel - I hope that in your days of mourning you mourn not for the 'loss' of your mother. Because in you she lives. In your strength, in the life lessons you bestow on your children and friends, and the care and mothering you provide us all. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. And if you need anything at all, I hope that you can come to me. That I can have an opportunity to return some of the support that you have shown me in dark days.

Sister follow-up

I had a wonderful conversation with my sister yesterday. Here I am using the term 'conversation' loosely because we pretty much cried the entire time. All in all she is doing pretty well. She said that she was scared and wished that she had said something to me or my mom sooner. That she is going to try and get better and finally put this behind her.

I told her that I loved her and that I had this horrible guilt because I would have been in the house when this happened and I wish that I could have done something. Her whole life could have been different and I wish I had known something was wrong. We spent so much time fighting and at each others throats growing up that I didn't even know something like this was bothering her.

She said that she loved me and that she hoped that I knew that. That she looked up to me more than anything (queue the fricken water works!) and thought I was an amazing big sister. ::sob:: And that she hopes now that we can both help each other through our tough times. My baby sister is finally growing up...

At the end of our chat we talked about taking a small trip together (just maybe we'll let our men tag along) just to get away.

Thank you in advance for any positive thoughts you can send my sisters way. I'm very proud of her and hope this means she can start a new chapter.

This week cannot possibly get any worse.

I had a class this morning, so I took the day off. My mom called while I was on my way home and asked me to call her when I got there. That can't be good, right?

When I called she tells me she needs to talk to me about my sister. My first thought? I bet you can guess - I thought she must be pregnant and my mom is breaking the news to me. No, that isn't it, but now I wish it was.

I'm going to back up for a moment... My sister, for as long as I can remember, has always been anxious and emotional. Afraid of tests, confrontation, for the longest time she wouldn't even call and order pizza. She's been much more emotional lately and my mom finally sat her down and said enough - out with it.

This is the hard part... my mom learned that my baby sister has been abused. I am not really prepared to talk about more of the details right now, but I will say it was not by an adult, and it was not someone in my family. My mom is obviously devastated and other than getting my sister into counseling (which she starts today thankfully), isn't sure what to do. She just wanted me to know.

What can I possibly do? She doesn't even know that I know. I feel awful that I couldn't protect her. This one event has shaped her whole life. My sister is 20 and still has not graduated from high school. She was too anxious to take tests in high school or even ask for help. She ended up in an alternative high school completion course where she did very well, but couldn't get herself to take the final exam and get her diploma. Would things have been different in her life had this not happened to her? There are no guarantees of course, but I'm confident that it would have been.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Do I reach out to her? Do I let her come to me? I'm scared for her, but grateful she is getting the help she needs. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Mostly I wish I could go back in time and save her from all of this.

Those few that I know IRL that may read this, please don't say a thing. It may seem obvious, but I just wanted to get that out there. Thank you