I'm certainly not the first person in the world to be a working parent. I'm also not the first one to have a hard time with it either.
The last month has actually gone pretty well. We were finding a fairly decent groove. J is incredibly helpful in the evenings to make sure that we've repacked the diaper bag, diapers are washed, Lily's laundry is done, bottles are remade... not to mention our own dinner, etc. It's a lot, but we've been surviving. Yesterday I attended a training class, which left me working about two hours later than normal and sitting in about an extra hour of traffic to get home. Not to mention we'd had a bit of a childcare crisis during the day, so I coordinated having my mom pick her up (thank goodness!!), so that I didn't have to leave class. It was a 12 hour day. That fact, coupled with just being SO TIRED, I was a mess last night.
My dad called on the drive home and kept me company through the stop-n-go. We chatted about silly things (the great prices on the new computer he wants from Costco - good deal! lol) and then asked how "his Lily" was doing. "She's absolutely wonderful." I had recently posted this photo:
My dad mentioned that my uncle, who is on FB, showed the picture to my grandma. "She is just so proud of you." He said. "Who would ever think of doing such a sweet thing?" (Well, actually Grams, everyone on the internet, but she doesn't know that. lol) My dad proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me. How amazing J and I have been with Lily and how love and lucky our daughter is. I bawled.
I probably would have cried anyway, because when your tough dad tells you he's proud of you, you shed a tear. That's just how that goes. But I'd had a long, fairly stressful, day away from my baby - so I was in a bit of a state as it was.
He asked if I was going to be okay and then told me to suck it up, because I was driving after all. Safety first! We talked quite awhile about how hard it is to be away. I don't have any other choice, but still. Not to mention the crazy amount of money we get to pay for daycare so that someone else can snuggle up to her sweet face.
We've previously covered how I'm a bit Type-A, and we've waited a long time for these moments, so I don't want to miss them and frankly I really want to kick ass at being a mom. I want beautiful family photos. A gorgeous first Christmas. A baby book to be proud of. I want to sew and create beautiful things for my daughter... that list is endless. Now here comes the 'but' -
THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME. Or energy for that matter.
I need to adjust the expectations I have for myself. This year, I ordered my cards through TinyPrints, instead of making my own in PhotoShop like I'd dreamed of doing. I used candid photos instead of having them professionally done or taking the time to shoot them myself. Basically, I have to compromise. I can't be the perfect super mom. And the sad part is, no one is pressuring me to be perfect, except me.
Being a stellar employee at work, and a wonder woman at home, sounds great. But in reality, it's burnout waiting to happen. Where is the quality of life there?
It took me a month, but this working mom thing finally caught up to me. Smacked me right upside the head. So, I'm learning. I'm trying to adjust. For now, I'm just going to have to do the best I can and that's going to have to be good enough.
My bathroom is going to stay a little messier while I rock my daughter. We'll be getting dressed from the laundry basket, because it won't get put away while I'm relaxing with my family. The only thing I need to fit in, is more time with J. We're both running 1000mph and thankfully, it is in the same direction, side-by-side. But we need to be husband and wife too. Not just parents. That's first on the to-do list. After I love on my sweet Lily a little longer.