Pregnancy MUSTs

Now that my pregnancy is a few months in the rear-view mirror, it is a fantastic experience to think back and remember it fondly. There are even days now that I miss my big ol' belly (my belly now is of an entirely different, not so fabulous, kind). Yes, my pregnancy had its tribulations - the bleeding scare, pneumonia, a displaced rib, hip pain... you know, fun stuff. But overall it was a very happy time for me. I felt prepared, at peace, and calm. Like I was finally on the right track.

There were a couple of things I did (and one or two I didn't and wish I did) that I feel really worked well for us. And now we are blessed with a few friends that are expecting little people and I am simply GIDDY to be able to share my own mommy-wisdom with someone else. After all this time, it's a bit of a trip actually.

On with the list!

1. A mom friend. People, I am all for being an independent woman. I like to program my own damn electronics, thankyouverymuch. However, I think women in general have done themselves a real disservice, at least I did, by not spending more time building their village. The old adage that "It takes a village to raise a child" could not be more true. You need a confidant. A mommy who's been there and done that. No, your experience will NOT be like hers, good or bad, count on that now. Don't use her experience to establish expectations, but use her instead as a sympathetic ear, an expert on what baby gear is a must and whats overpriced garbage, and you'll certainly want a cheerleader in those last couple of hard weeks. Don't even get me started on how invaluable these people are after your wee-one arrives, that's an item for a whole different list. And for God sake, stop feeling like a burden! I love sharing my experiences when I can and to do that AND help a friend? I wouldn't think twice. Plus, if you're bugging me, I won't hesitate to tell you you're being a crazycakes. 

2. A body pillow. Remember Tony Danza? Admittedly, J was not the biggest fan of sharing his bed with my new love. But Tony literally saved my ass. Well, technically my hips and back, but you get the idea. Things, they are a changin' and that especially applied to my joints. Having a plush, supportive pillow (I swear by my Snoogle.) was key. There are others out there that aren't as plush, so if that floats your boat, have at it. Also, washing the cover for my Snoogle was a royal pain in my previously-achy backside. It's worth it, but you've been warned. Also, they can be a bit pricey. Check for sales and coupons!

3. A photographer. There will be a day, sometime in your mid-30ish-weeks that you start to feel like a blimp. Pregnancy is beautiful and growing a child is a miracle topped by nothing else, but damn you won't feel as 'glowy' as everyone says you look. Take at least one day in the beginning of your third trimester, erase that mess from your mind, and have your picture taken. Can't afford it? Check Craigs.list or something similar for a student looking to build their portfolio, or have a friend that just got a new shiny DSLR for Christmas take pictures of you and your partner. The day before I had mine taken, I almost backed out. I cried, felt ginormous, and almost cancelled my pre-paid session. Can I tell you that I am SO happy I didn't? I will forever treasure these:

4. Maternity wardrobe staples. At least one cozy dress, yoga pants, and a bra to sleep in. I just passed my long cotton beautiful dress down to own of my best pals and my yoga pants? You bet your sweet ass I still wear those once a week. Ooooh yeah. Their the best. And there will more than likely be a point at which your boobs are tender and angry. That point for me was conception through sometime a couple months ago. A good sports bra or sleeping bra is a life saver.

5. A Doula. If you can afford this type of support, I highly recommend it. Our doula happens to be my very best pal. They are trained, educated, and handy as all hell. Mine did personal childbirth education classes in our home, answered my thousand questions a day, and was there during about 45 of my 53 hours of labor. If your husband is anything like mine (i.e. not a huge fan of discussing vaginas, and its various functions during labor, with an entire group of strangers, home childbirth education was awesome.) She helped us through all of the decisions we had to make. She didn't make them for us, or pressure us one way or the other, but she was an incredible source of knowledge as we talked through pros-cons, etc.This should be right up there with a good mom friend. It can change your life. (Doula Match)

6. A good chiropractor/masseuse. Speaking of life changing! Remember that displaced rib I was talking about? My chiropractor specializes in treating pregnant women and babies - he saved my damn life. Thankfully chiropractic treatments are covered by my insurance, so regular visits kept me much more comfortable. Especially toward the end. Your body is actually a professional contortionist, whether you knew it or not. You'd think your joints loosening and getting more flexible would feel good - but it doesn't. Nope! Not to mention, especially toward the end, you'll be carrying more weight than you're used to, your gait changes, etc, etc, etc. If your insurance covers this, take advantage!

lastly....

7. A journal. Pregnancy is filled with highs and lows. For me, this outlet with priceless. Wax eloquent about your pregnancy, your relationships.. make lists, check off names, write down questions for your next doctor/midwife appointment. Get that stuff out of your head. This really helped me sleep at night. Mostly, it helped me keep the peace. When I got all of the STUFF out of my head, I could focus on quality time with my husband, and more communication with my baby. I would talk to her (out loud and in my mind), rub my belly, day dream... without all of my worries or to-do's floating around messing it up. A huge bonus is that it is really fun to look back at.

I am certain there are many more things out there that can help someone through pregnancy. These happen to be my MUSTs. What were yours? What was it that you couldn't have survived without? A steady diet of ice cream? That probably should have been my #8... Let's hear it!

Labor and Newborn lists to follow soon!

You're going to want to see this.

Yes, you're seeing that right.

Two little lines!

It's early on yet, but we are thrilled to be starting this journey again.

While we may have a long way to go, I'm feeling an odd calm (compared to my normal high-strung, type-A, self) and while cautious, I am certainly optimistic.

We're not getting our beta's done this time, but we have a viability scan scheduled in a few weeks.

For now? For now, I am snuggling a little closer to my husband, enjoying these moments, and enjoying our little secret. I've confided in only a couple of our closest friends, as we can appreciate the need for a support group. Our families and other friends (besides you all of course!) are going to have to wait a bit. Not too terribly long, but long enough until we're comfortable. Since you all have been in the loop from the beginning, it was only fair to keep you in the loop going forward.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it.

Now we just have to figure out what to call this little poppy-seed. Sprout 2.0?

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.

::headdeskrepeat::

That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.

woulda coulda shoulda.

I would be 20 weeks this week.
I would presumably be half way through my pregnancy.
I could be sporting a cute baby bump and not only bloated from the weekends festivities.
I would more than likely know the gender if our child.
I should be shopping and planning a nursery.
I would be researching my birth plan.
I could be buying maternity dresses and flats.
I should be feeling my baby's first kicks and sharing these moments with my husband.

My life should be changing. Instead I feel stuck. I'm frustrated and sad. Trapped in this groundhogs day pattern. Wake up, work, gym, don't lose weight despite the 4 days you spend there, dinner, chores, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

My life coulda, woulda, shoulda been different.

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Dreams (again)

We've talked about my baby related dreams before and I always find a little comfort in them. Last night was no different.

The whole theme of the dream was a little stressful - we were running from someone/something. It was one of those dreams where the setting changed/morphed from time to time. We were at some sort of challenge (think Warrior Dash or a race) and then we were on top of a train and being chased by men on horses.

Why would I take comfort in that?

Because I had a little boy. He was blond (like both of his parents when they were little) and probably about 2-3 years old (coincidence?). When we were at the race, he was running around naked until I caught him, tickled him, and wrestled his clothes back on. (my mom had to do this for me a time or two when I was a wee one....) On the train it was evening, we were with a group of people and others with children, and the kids were winding down. That was my favorite part. I was sitting down crossed-legged and my little boy was sitting in my lap dozing. My head rested on top of his, smelling his hair.

I can still feel that feeling. That heart swelling, sigh of happiness, warm and fuzzy feeling. We may have missed the boat this month, but I'm happy to feel ready to pursue that dream again.

MIssed Opportunity

It's been a busy week - recovering from the plague and attending a conference for work. Jeremy also left for his Mancation yesterday. As of Thursday - no possitive OPK.

So, of course I was thrilled (insert sarcasm) yesterday when I had slight twinges/cramping and copious amounts of CM. I didn't even use an OPK because J is gone.

I'm a little bummed our timing didn't work out, but what's a girl to do? It certainly isn't how we wanted to get back in the swing of things. I will just have to work to put it out of my mind and continue to focus on my weight loss (my never-ending consolation prize).

Poorly timed flu bug

What does a trying-to-conceive girl need mid-cycle on their first cycle since a miscarriage?

The flu.

I woke up Saturday morning with an awful bug. Said bug had me running to the restroom about every 15-30 minutes. Occassionally holding a bucket (which thankfully I never needed!). I just got worse as the day went on and by yesterday evening I had a fever and the chills. And what does a girl with a fever need more than getting up a few minutes to sprint to the potty?

Not one of my finest days.

I've basically only eaten a small sleeve of crackers, a granola bar, and a Gatorade in the last 36 hours. I cannot fathom giving my guts any more ammo. But hey, I suppose the thin silver lining is the nice leap my weight loss took. Today's weekly weigh-in was 183.7. I'm not saying it was worth it, but I'll take it.

My OPK's finally came in the mail today, so should things test out, J is just going to have to take one for the team. Romantic, right?? ;)

Such is the life of a girl in search of a babe.

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?

Three Years

I sat down to write on this topic and had no idea what to say. Even after three years, I am no expert on the topics of infertility or trying to conceive. I only know my journey. So, that’s where I started. Telling my story (albeit the abbreviated version). It doesn’t cover every bump in the road - my darkest of days, or how having a child doesn’t leave my mind for a single day- but it is the map. My map. Unfolded and folded back up more times now than I can count... Let’s hope that by reliving my history, that I can change my future.

Three Years.

To think about three years all at once is a long time.

Three years ago I was a newlywed. We hadn’t been home from Mexico for very long and we were already swept back up into the remainder of the ‘Summer of Weddings’. (I was in two more after my own that summer.)

I’d married my best friend after 7 years together. We had a new home, our dog, and had just found out we had a niece on the way. It was that fact that had us lying on the couch, discussing our reproductive future. We’d be telling everyone it would be at least a year and then we would just stop trying not to. In reality, we planned to pull the plug at the first of the year. This late August day had us chatting about why we were waiting. Were we not ready? No, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t money either. We certainly have the space in our new place. We realized over the next couple of weeks that the date was arbitrary and so, we tossed it out the window. I was in another wedding at the end of September, so we decided that after that, it was game on. September 28^th saw my last birth control pill.

I instantly got off on the wrong foot. I got another period a couple weeks later (my second for the month of October) and didn’t see another until the New Year. I knew then that something was amiss. Not only did I know that after 8 years of birth control there can be an adjustment period, but I knew then that something just wasn’t right.

I battled for the next year with learning more about my body, fighting my own controlling tendencies, and grieving a bit each time I saw another friend or relative start their family and pass me by.

The year after that was spent battling medication, appointments, new doctors, and myself. Mostly, I felt like a constant failure. I would get my hopes up that ‘this time we have the combination of drugs that is going to do the trick’ and then I would respond worse than I did the last time. It was an uphill battle and I scratched and clawed (mostly myself) the whole way. August of 2010 (a month before our two year TTC ‘anniversary’), we got dumped by the doctor. The chief OB at my clinic told me that there just wasn’t anything more he could do and that I would need to see someone at Seattle Reproductive Medicine for a more aggressive treatment.

I felt kicked in the gut. That man, with a wall fill with baby pictures, couldn’t make it happen for me. I couldn’t make it happen for us. I was done. We were done. We had to take a break. J and I decided that we were quitting the formal TTC game for awhile. I’ll admit that it took me some time to abandon old habits. Instinctively I still knew that it was midcycle and that it ‘couldn’t hurt’. And I was still disappointed when AF arrived. Instead of obsessing, I found other things to occupy my time – a new job, weight loss, and the trip of a lifetime. This year was going to be the year of ME. All about improving my life, making positive changes, and getting myself back on track. I started acupuncture, was eating healthy, and planning our first ever trip to Europe. Jeremy and I agreed that we would pick back up with Seattle Reproductive when we returned at the beginning of June.

Meanwhile I lost 21 pounds, started my new job, and in mid-May we left for two weeks to visit England and Ireland. Every minute was amazing and exceeded our expectations. Just as we agreed, we visited Seattle Reproductive the second week of June. She wrote me a Rx for Metformin and while I got busy ramping up on that gem of a medicine, we would reconvene when I got my next period and we’d get this party started. We discussed combinations of meds, timing, and starting with IUI.

None of that happened because on the 4^th of July – we got our blessing – our first BFP. We cried, I called my closest girlfriends and we cried again… it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Not at all feeling like I thought I would, but it was a sight to see. My blood work over the next few days was beyond excellent (jokes of twins were made from my nurse), and after the blood work came back great, we decided we would tell only our parents. The rest of our family could wait until at least our first ultrasound.

Both my parents cried, my dad having no idea what we went through. My mom and sister, appreciating his miracle a bit more, laughed cried and instantly started planning. (I come by my planning obsessions naturally.) We were on cloud 9 and completely uncharted territory.

Then came the downward slope - a bit of spotting, an inconclusive ultrasound, a bit of rest, and the news that we were probably miscarrying. Another beta a week later to confirm and – what? It went back up?! Heart stops, hopes have elevated, ultrasound shows progress – but no heart beat and more spotting. Six weeks after our miracle day, started one of the worst weeks of my life. We officially said goodbye to Sprout(s).

I am so grateful for all of the support we’ve had over the last three years. This is not at all where I thought, or had hoped, we would be. But, that’s life. Had we not struggled this way, I would not have learned all I know about my body. I would not have made some truly amazing friends. Nor would I have understood this side of a serious problem that so many women face – silently and alone. I’ve joined this infertility community that no one wants to be a member of. But, one that is filled with love and support.

Three years. Hard to believe we’ve made so much progress, and yet have so little to show for it. Three years later and I am grateful to still be madly in love with my husband. Even more in love than I was on our wedding day. Still working to make positive changes, balance our lives, and keep moving forward. There isn’t anything left in the past for me. Only hard work and more challenge for the future. Here I am, three years later, with no baby, having struggled like mad, but also having learned to (and increased my capacity to) love even more deeply.

Fresh Start

AF showed up on Tuesday. Just shy of six weeks, which is right where the majority of you told me she would be.

So far she's taken it easy on me, which compared to the periods I was having last Spring (when I had my last real period), is something to celebrate.

I feel a sense of relief. That I can put this rough summer behind us and start fresh. I'm even beginning to look forward to it and feel hopeful. I figure hopeful is a good place to be, considering our three year trying-to-conceive anniversary is next week. But that's a whole different topic for an entirely different day.

I am still taking my Metformin and doing pretty well. I took my girl Jessica's advice and take one pill in the morning and the other two before bed. With that rotation I've had very few tummy troubles. J and I talked about the game plan and decided that we will try OPKs this month and see how we do with just the Met.

I am glad that we're not jumping right back in the deep end. This gradual approach feels best. I spent enough time in a doctors office this summer and could use a breather.

Here we go again... wash, rinse, repeat. Like a bad episode of Groundhogs Day.

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Still Undecided

Sorry I've been MIA so much, but there really hasn't been much to report. We've been too busy lately to really even talk about what our next steps are going to be. And none of it even matters because that dirty AF hasn't even shown up yet.

We have a lot going on in our lives right now with trying to sell our rental property, work, trying to make it to the gym 4 days a week, dealing with the insurance company (Jeremy was in a very minor bike accident - that was his fault), contemplating a career change - more on the job offer I received another time, dogs that need vet appointments, etc. You've heard about all of that before. So right now my focus is on getting us in order, taking care of our tasks at hand, and trying to sort things out.

Part of me wants to wait to get back to Seattle Reproductive until after I lose my 15lbs. The other part says that there is no time like the present. And until those two parts come to an agreement, we're kind of at a standstill. Except that the calendar didn't get the memo and the days keep ticking on by. 3 years of TTC is approaching really quickly and boy was I hoping this anniversary would pass a little differently. Instead of anxiously awaiting a gender scan early-mid next month, we'll be floating around Never Never Land trying to figure everything out.

Question for those of you who have had a miscarriage - how long was it before you got your next period? I don't really even know when to measure from since I was spotting for a few days before my miscarriage really started.

That was basically the long way of saying, I've got nothing to report. Wheels are still spinning. We're still working things out and we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

Welcome to July ICLW!

I decided July would be the month that I rejoined ICLW. Assuming we'd be back in the saddle with trying to conceive. Little did I know that the day after I threw my name in the hat, we would get our first positive pregnancy test.

Do you know how many of those little things I peed on before I got one to give me two lines? I've peed on a lot of things, let me tell you, but that was the best one yet.

Something did surprise me after getting our BFP, I have no desire to pee on anything else. While TTC I thought for sure I would want to rush out and get the Costco pack of pregnancy tests, a digital, and a supersized Sunny Delight, ala Juno and make a whole afternoon out of peeing on stick after stick. Nope. I peed on one and I'm happy as a clam.

I've digressed a bit, but for those that aren't first time visitors, you know that happens. A lot.

A bit about us for those that are new 'round these parts. Jeremy (Commonly 'J' on this blog) and I had our first date 10 years and 1 day ago. Fun fact, right? We were married 3 years and 2 days ago (even funner fact) and shortly after began our journey to spawn. Shortly after starting I knew things weren't right with my ladybits. Very irregular cycles, charting was a disaster, and my periods were very heavy and painful. That first year was the worst of the emotional roller coaster.

We saw Doc Oc (no, seriously, he looks like a dead ringer for the Spiderman villain) for just under a year before I was unceremoniously dumped. I was determined to be Clomid resistant (after about 4 cycles) and only sporadically responded to Femara. It was after that lovely little journey that J and I decided we needed a break. It was August 2010 and we decided we'd revisit this at the beginning of the year.

January came and went and we knew we still weren't ready to devote the time necessary to tackle TTC again. Besides, we were planning our Vacation Of A Lifetime. We agreed that when we returned home from that adventure, we would see a doctor at Seattle Reproductive Medicine, just as Doc Oc suggested.

Our trip was amazing. We spent 13 days exploring England and Ireland. Eating delicious food, drinking beer daily, making friends, and exploring the sights. We spent quality time together (except for the story about when I was driving in Ireland and we almost got divorced. word of advice: driving on the left side of the road will test the limits of your marriage. amen. good night.) and at the end of the two weeks we were nowhere near ready to come home.

Come home we did and the next week we met Dr. K and she was awesome. We talked in detail about PCOS, my history, what we'd tried, and developed a game plan that the three of us were comfortable with. Step One of this plan involved me getting on Metformin. The next week I dutifully started taking my meds. I was instructed to ramp up my dose each week until I was at the full dosage. Another piece of Infertile Wisdom - Met sucks. My tummy will never be the same, I'm sure of it.

My period 'should have arrived' (us PCOS folks know that is date not easily pinned down) on or about the first of July. That brings us to the Fourth of July. We'd made the rounds to see our family and had returned home. It was a work night for us, so I went upstairs and started getting cleaned up and ready for bed. I knew I had a pee stick under the sink and when you get the hankerin to pee on something, that's a hard vibe to shake.

My thoughts were 'I might as well use it up'. Use it up I did, not two minutes later there were two cute little pink lines.

I opened up the bathroom window and hollered into the backyard for Jeremy to get his butt upstairs that instant. He thought for sure I'd lost a limb or at least seen a spider. I will never forget the look on his face when I showed him that test and wished him a Happy 4th of July.

Feel free to peruse my past entries. If you have any questions for me, I would be more than happy to answer them. I recently came out of the proverbial blogger closet, so this is actually my first ICLW where you all get to 'meet me'. I'm a fairly open book, so if there is anything you want to know - just ask!

Welcome to ICLW everyone!

Praying AF is late, or never shows.

Dear AF,

July is when J and I get down to business. As soon as you arrive, I go in for my baseline ultrasound and we get this show on the road. Today is CD29.

Here's the thing, if you show up in the next couple of days, this month is a bust. Why? Because two weeks from now (i.e. when I would be ovulating) I am in the sunny state of California for four lovely days and it will make an IUI a liiiiittle tricky.

That means that I need you to take your damn time getting here, or of course to take the next year off while I bake my adorable child. I'm cool either way, but damnit AF, if you show up in the next handful of days (the earliest you would have shown in quite awhile), I'm going to be sooo pissed at you. I will even put up with these sore boobies for a whole other week if you just hold the damn phone.

My patience is thin enough without you jumping up and down on it.

We clear?

Good.

Love and kisses,
Mrs. S

Glad we got that settled.

Word Vomit

Yesterday I found myself increasingly frustrated with my current situation. In order to get it out there and move on, I sent the following "word vomit" to one of my favorite peeps.

"Here’s the quick and dirty version… I’m feeling like a pity-party of one. CD41 today is today. Tested when we got home Monday (CD39) and it was negative. However, being that I’m not regular, it could still be early. Could be that with all of the excitement, I’m just not getting a period this month, I already missed May altogether (that would be a first in 2.5 years). Could be a false negative. Could be… Could be… Could be…

I hate this crap. Any other ‘normal’ woman at this point would have her answer. No PMS symptoms for me at all (which isn’t normal) until yesterday which started the sore boobs. That could be about appropriate timing for someone who was actually knocked-up. But my mind/body only do that sort of thing to keep that spark of hope burning. Because, God forbid if my bodies signs actually had meaning.

So my post-trip glow is tainted today with analyzing every twinge (gas, lol). So, I figured I would just own-up, say it ‘out loud’ and let the inevitable happen already. Positive Penelope over here!

BAH!"

Quality stuff, yes, I am aware. But I am sick and tired of this crap. I haven't even started back up yet and I'm already pissed. Why can't things (meaning my body) just function as they should!? I shouldn't now be on CD42 and still facing the unknown. Why do I lead myownself on?

Susan, who I might say has incredible insight - especially into my crazy psyche - had a great point when she said that my anger was probably another PMS symptom I hadn't thought about. lol - she's absolutely right.

PCOS is a mean bitch.

I am ready to get back to the doc and regain at least a little insight/control. I am waiting until this weekend to test again. One way or the other, I need to know.

I'm Scared.

I am still waiting. No news is good news, right?

I am scared to test tomorrow morning. Scared it will be negative. Scared it will be positive. Scared my period will start before I even have the chance. Scared it will be positive and it will be a mean lie. Scared that the next time I wipe it will be over. And mostly, I'm scared I've let my hopes creep up to far and that my heart will be broken, again.

I'm sorry that I don't have more substance than this today. It's all I can muster while I hold my breath for the next 24 hours.

An Email Exchange

I was corresponding with a wonderful pal, and fellow PCOS'er, the other day. Throughout the work day we were writing back and forth. Checking in mostly. She was talking through her experiences, and I was talking through mine. It was nice to speak frankly with someone who just gets it.

I saved our long email chain and went back and read it today. I love that even with thousands of miles between us, we're still able to be there for one another. That we won't need to put on that shiny smiling face all the damn time. It's exhausting and with her I don't have to. If we're feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves, we say so. Get it out there, pick each other up, and get on with the day. To have a friend like that, in all of this mess, feels like I won the friend lotto.

There is a snippet of the email exchange that I want to share with you all. It isn't eloquent or revolutionary, but it was an honest summary of where my mind is at. The comments in parenthesis give explanations where needed. Here goes:

(She asked where I was at with actively ttc)
It is never far from my mind. There is something I want to say out loud, but last time I said it …in the GAP in Seattle… I started the next damn day. We don’t do this much, but last night I asked J to pray. He said that we just needed not to think about it too much. So I prayed on my own. These days at the end of the 2ww (or after the 2ww in my case) are the WORST.

Honestly, I think I’m avoiding the ‘active’ part of TTC, as in the doc/meds/OPK/charting piece, because I’m hoping we won’t have to. J has this everlasting faith that it will ‘just happen’ for us. I just roll my eyes when he’s not looking and am grateful for his positivity. I just don’t/didn’t agree.

However, the last two cycles since I started losing weight and doing acupuncture have been pretty regular (28 and 29 days!). While that isn’t a guarantee that things are functioning as they should, I’m not using OPK’s or anything, it certainly isn’t a bad sign. My acupuncturist is very happy with my progress. That I seem calmer and my heart rate has improved, better circulation, and response to treatments is very positive. I guess I’m closing my eyes, crossing my fingers, and praying that all of this positive change actually does something.

Right now where am I at? … after our trip. If it doesn’t happen by then, it is a phone call to Seattle Reproductive Medicine and another chat with my ND. I’m not sure how I feel about crossing the THREE YEAR threshold in a passive manner. Or at all for that matter. It makes my heart sink.

None of this stops my daydreaming.

Maybe I won’t be able to drink in Europe. Maybe this Mother’s Day will be different. Maybe in CA this summer I will have a little belly (different from the little belly I have now! lol). A November baby would be perfect. Maternity leave for the holidays! A long time ago I bought a baseball newborn onesie because that’s what I wanted to give J when we found out. Wouldn’t the start of baseball season be perfect timing?

Oy. Vey. The things my mind does to my poor heart.

Sorry, that was a really long answer to your question. I suppose I needed to word-vomit too. :/

So, there I am folks. I'm scared to actually do something again, and I'm scared not to. Avoiding these decisions does not allow them to go away.

You did read the top part right. I'm late. CD31. Nothing out of the ordinary for us PCOS folks, but not consistent with the last two months either. Is two months long enough to be a "trend"? No. Have I tested? No. Am I successfully keeping myself from getting my hopes up? No. Have I stopped myself from over-analyzing every gas pain, bloat, moment of yuckiness? No.

Oh, that's a cramp! Nope, just gas.

Oh, I think I'm about to start! ::rushes to the bathroom:: Nope, just CM (sorry, overshare.)

J and I have decided that we're going to wait until Saturday (CD34). If I still haven't gotten my period, I will pee on the last test I have in the house. We were fairly active with the ol' maritals at the appropriate times, so we'll just have to wait, impatiently, and see. I promise to keep ya'll posted.

I completely understand that now that I have typed this and put it out in the universe, I will probably start my period. But, God, if you're listening, do me a solid and prove me wrong this time, will you please?

If you've got a spare prayer, or positive vibe, or good ju-ju, or whatever you're into, please put in a good word for me. I promise to return the favor.

Am I Ready?

I know I haven't talked a lot about TTC around here these days. Partially it is because we're not being very aggressive in this area. But mostly, it just hasn't been my main focus over the last few months. ::GASP::

I have been trying very hard to truly settle in to the whole taking-a-break thing. For my own sanity I needed to find ME again. To continue my trek to get healthy. To focus on my work and better my situation there. To reconnect on a real level with my husband again. I mean, helllloooo, the man isn't just a sperm factory! I feel like I have been successful on all fronts. We're really communicating well again. Talking things through and focusing only on us. TTC is never far from our minds. It is still a big part of our life, but it doesn't have to be the center. We've seen and talked about my progress in weight loss. And today - I got a new job! I received the news and accepted a new role with my company. It's a new career path for me, but it will be a much better path all around. I can't wait to get started! Overall, things are going very well. I'm happy again. Truly, in love with my life.

As the first 6 weeks of my diet comes to a close, I've started thinking more and more about TTC. What do we want to do next? Do we want to continue to go with the flow? Are we ready to up our game again? Do I start with just OPK's and charting? Call the RE? Am I really ready for the meds and high maintenance tracking? We are approaching the 2 1/2 year mark and there is quite a lot that I am going to need to work through in the coming days and weeks. We need a solid game plan, because the last thing I want to do is lose myself in the fray, again.

So, the question is - when and how do we begin again?

I only wish we didn't have to decide.

Naturopath Appointment

It went SO incredibly well. Dr. N is awesome. I have to say, I love her.

She asked all kinds of questions, was a great listener, and explained things very well. I talked about our struggle with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. The troubles I've always had losing weight. We talked a lot about how symptomatic-medicine treats symptoms and not the cause of the symptoms. The Clomid, chemical progesterone, Femara... they're not going to cure PCOS. They're going to force (or try to) ovulation. Dr. N believes there is probably more to my story, especially because these treatments didn't always work for me.

Dr. N asked if I have a thyroid problem. I told her no and explained that when I first started losing weight I had been tested and I was within the 'normal' range. She feels that those ranges are crap. That I might squeak into, even the low end of, a prescribed set of numbers, but maybe that range isn't good for me. Maybe I need to operate at a higher level than they 'expect'. She asked me questions about my hair (thin/fine), nails (always breaking), bowel movements (hello constipation and hemeroids), energy level (constant fatigue), muscle cramps (I hate charlie horses, but get them often)... etc etc. I think you see where I'm going here. She said all of this isn't exact, but it paints a picture of low thyroid. We have to wait for my blood work to be certain. I'd like to mention that when I had to lay it all out there like that I realized that I something obviously was wrong. If a friend told me they had all of the above, I'd tell them to get off their lazy butts and get to the doc. These things come on slowly and over time we adjust to them and they feel 'normal'. Boy I can't wait to clear things up and see what normal really feels like.

The remainder of the appointment went in a very similar fashion. We talked about my menstrual cycles, stress, diet, and so on. Her, I should say OUR (my opinion was very much a factor), plan is to treat ME - not my PCOS. The reason the 'S' in PCOS stands for 'Syndrome' is that it isn't a disease. It is a group of general symptoms. And it can be caused by different things for different people. That means I cannot just take the same meds as everyone else and expect to get better. We've got to fix ME. Hopefully doing so will alleviate some, or all, of my PCOS symptoms.

Our number 1 goals is my weight. We've got a plan!

Step one in the plan will come with the results of my blood work. She is going to check my thyroid, potential food allergens, hormone levels, etc. With that will be the Mrs.S specific diet. Are there foods that my body is busy battling when it could be focused on my metabolism? We'll find out!

Step two is the HCG diet. In a couple of weeks I will be attending an informational class, so I will give you all the details then. Just know that it sounds like just the thing I need. I am doing well with maintaining, but losing is a giant bitch. If I could just get there, I know I could do it. She said I sounded like the perfect candidate. More to come!

Step three in the grand plan is acupuncture. Firstly I am going to be treated for overall health and later we'll move toward treatment along the fertility route.

Folks, I am SO excited. I cannot even express how excited I am. I have not felt this good, or confident, in a very long time. This folks, is a plan. I love a good plan. It helps that Dr.N is so excited too. She had really good energy and enthusiasm about what we could accomplish. The thing I loved most is that she was so personable. I felt like she has got my back.

The best thing about the whole visit is that I left feeling confident and motivated. I felt validated in my concerns (you know when something just isn't right). And most importantly a lot of my stress and depression have been centered around having to live with this the rest of my life. Okay, so I go through with an IUI or IVF, what if we want another child? Or I want to maintain a healthy metabolism. Having everything always be a struggle. It doesn't have to be that way! I was saved today and I have to say, it feels pretty great.

To all of my PCOS ladies out there, and the rest of you as well, if you have a naturopath in your area I would really recommend it. When my girlfriend was telling me about it I kind of wrote it off because it is 'different'. Then I learned my insurance covers my visits with her just like a regular MD. She does annual exams, paps, and can even be my primary care doc. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Naturopathy and Dr. N get a giant gold star in my book.

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank a dear sweet friend of mine, Susan. She was my inspiration for finally getting up and doing something. Check out her blog as she works to get fit too! Congrats on the 6.8lbs in your first week!!

I'm really looking forward to sharing my journey in getting healthy and staying that way! I'm certain that if I can make my body a bit more fit and functional (and sex-ay before Europe!), that maybe just maybe a baby will agree and move in. Good plan, no?

January Game Plan

The new year is almost here. Crazy, no? 2010 went by so damn fast, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. We've been on our break for over 4 months. No meds, OPK's, temping, charting, etc. Here is the plan for January...

1) Make an appointment with a Naturopath
-I'm hoping to manage my PCOS without meds. I'm willing to give it a try anyway. I'm going to ask about diet, weight loss, and acupuncture.

2) Lose 30lbs
-Granted this won't all happen in January. lol I'm going to get serious (again) about losing weight. I'm hoping that after discussing diet w/ the doc I will have a solid food-related game plan. I've also got 3 free appointments with the trainer at our gym. Time to cash in! My goal is to go to the gym a minimum of 4 days per week. I would like to lose 1-2lbs per week (if not more!). If I'm successful I will have reached my goal, and more, by the time our trip to England/Ireland gets here!

3) OPK's
-While I don't think we're quite ready for the RE, meds, appointments, dildo-cams, etc. I am going to start doing the basics. At minimum I will be re-investing in my OPK stock. Temping may be apart of that in the near future as well. I haven't charted in forever...

4) Therapy
-Last, but certainly not least, I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist.
I had a minor, okay major, breakdown on Christmas Eve Eve. We had planned to run away with our friends for Christmas. We didn't even decorate because we wouldn't be home. We'd planned to leave on Christmas Eve and the day before the plans started to change. We weren't even sure if we were going to go anymore. Friends were thinking about bailing, which meant I would have to do the grocery shopping they'd been assigned, etc. Basically it felt like it was all falling apart. I lost my shit.
I was trying to express to J why I was frustrated and we were not communicating well. He went full on into Mr. Fix It mode and I got pissed. People I was angry. I tried to explain what I was thinking and feeling and it came out wrong, we argued a bit more and I started sobbing. I got no comfort and that pissed me off, so I got angrier. Folks, I was two seconds from putting my first in a wall. That is NOT me. I had a really hard time calming down. And as I did I realized that my freak out was probably less about our changing plans and more about my pent up stress and other emotional issues.
I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't made this appointment already. Now's the time.

So. That's where we are for now. I don't want to call these my resolutions because I never keep those (does anyone??). January is a new month. A fresh start. Time to get going again, but with 'baby steps' (har har) and a solid plan.

Is there anything you're going to do differently in the New Year?

Distraction

I'm sorry I haven't really been posting much the last week or so. Things at work have been hectic. I've launched a new customer database to all of our service areas, wrapped up (literally as well) our Adopt-a-Family program, and yesterday we had our departments holiday luncheon (thanks to yours truly). Needless to say, yesterday after the luncheon I was exhausted. I sit for a few minutes before I tackle the crazy cleanup and I get that familiar sensation. You know the one I'm talking about. AF was knocking on my door. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger.

Home has been a lot of the same. We've been trying to go to the gym consistently, but that means 2-3 days a week recently. Better then nothing, right? We just finished the refinance on our rental property, but that meant appointments to sign documents. Oh, and this Friday I am flying out to go visit my very best friend in the universe. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half and I miss her like craziness.

Researching our trip has been a very pleasant distraction during our break. That was, until last night. We found a few great deals on plane tickets to Dublin. I'm talking $800/ea. That's a lot, but compared to $12-1300 - SWEET! We decided to be responsible and wait to finish our refinance, since we knew that we'd get to skip that mortgage payment. Responsible, no? I was pretty proud of us for our restraint. We'd seen the prices like that mid-week for a few weeks so we weren't concerned.

Last night we were ready. Credit card in hand. Type in Seattle to Dublin - BAM - $1200. FRICK!
I switch up the dates a bit, and I get $1100. That was the best I'd found! $300 more PER TICKET. I almost cried folks. Why can I not catch a damn break?!

I am really ready to take a break from our busy life. I thought that these distractions would be helpful in keeping my mind from TTC. I would say that about 50% of the time it has worked. But, I'm still sad, tired (mentally and physically), irritated with the dysfunction in my body (can I please stop gaining wait and breaking out? Please!?).

Are these really distractions, or is it avoidance of my 'issues'? Probably a bit of both if I had to venture a guess. But for now, that's what I'm using to get us through another holiday season without a reason to decorate.

Holding out...

I am holding out to test until Saturday. I am a week late, even though that is only a guess. I'm not charting, using OPK's, or anything to know when I ovulated. The only thing I can go off of is some serious CM at about CD15. Weak sauce, I know. It is not only possible that I didn't ovulate then, but I could have not ovulated at all.

I have no PMS-like symptoms that have been typical of the last few months. However, what is 'typical' when you have PCOS? Either way, I've had no sore breast, cramping (aside from an ache in my lower right abdomen last week), or any moodiness....

That is where I am at the moment. Holding off on having any hope and holding off on testing until the weekend. We'll see!