Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Weekends are making me fat.

My weekends are slowly killing me.

I do so well all week. I bring my lunch most days and even when I don't I behave - I hit the salad bar in my building and opt for a light dressing. At most I have soup and half a sandwich on whole grain bread. Basically, I do all of my catch-up on the weekdays.

Which happens to be a damn good thing because the weekend get here and my weight jumps more than a Mexican jumping bean! We'll sit out by the fire with a beer and order pizza instead of cooking. There are birthday parties, weddings, and my complete and utter lack of restraint.

I'm fired.

I start Monday bloated, a little (lot) gassy, and about 2-3 pounds to lose before I do it again the next weekend. It is a vicious cycle. A vicious chubby, gassy, bloated, cranky, depressing cycle.

I need to snap the hell out of it. Does anyone know of a weekend summer fat camp? If so, can you just sign me up and send me the bill?

Friday, June 17, 2011

Things are looking up. Except for the bathing suit shopping.

I didn't think it would happen after the first 4 days of hell, but I'm starting to adjust to my Metformin. You know, just in time to increase it again on Sunday! Regulating the carbohydrates seems to help a good deal. Fingers crossed that upping my dose doesn't send me into a tailspin!

This weekend I am headed to the lake for a low-key bachelorette party. One of J's oldest friends is getting married next weekend, so I am headed out of town with his fiance'. There will be wine tasting (I'm going to take this VERY easy, for fear I will be a bloated gassy mess the rest of the weekend), sunshine, a nice dinner, and a party back at our hotel (on the lake). It should be a relaxing weekend!

What do you need when you go to the lake? A bathing suit. Sweet 8lb 6oz sweet sweet baby Jesus.... a bathing suit. I have a fairly cute one-piece I got at Target last year. However, a one-piece is challenging for me because I am pretty hippy. When I shop for a two piece I can wear a medium on the top, but need a XL for the bottom. As I'm sure you can imagine, if I buy a suit big enough to fit Ol' Big Booty Judy, then the girls aren't snuggled in like they deserve. But, I'm not certain the general populous is ready for this pasty gut. I figure that I need both so that I can decide when I get there how I'm feeling.

Bathing suit shopping is torture!

I found a top at Macy's that I really like. Flattering for the girls, cute style, the last one in my size -perfect! Now the hunt for the bottoms... UGH. I had a meltdown in the dressing room. Why does the trim of bathing suits need to have such tight elastic? It cuts in and that isn't cute. I could have smacked a bathing suit designer in the face while I tried on 9 different black bottoms. Said designer is probably a 40 year old woman that is 5'11" and 120lbs. Gorgeous and tan. At least that is what I was imagining when I thought of the various methods I could use to punish her.

I did end up finding one... in the plus sized section. The section I thought I'd left for good. It isn't my favorite, but it will have to do. Now I can just suck it up and get to work on my tan. Because as my beautiful mama always says -

Fat looks so much better tan.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I have just started my fourth day on Metformin. Let me tell you that days 2 and 3 were a bit of a doozie. Firstly, thank you to those that left comments about your experiences. I am going to make sure I take my doses mid-meal, avoid sugary foods, etc.

I am definitely going to have to be more choosy about what I consume. I met a dear friend for happy hour last night to talk through her man-troubles. I had a glass of red wine and before I even finished it, my stomach was bloated and gurgling. When I left it was full-blown pissed off. I had such rancid gas that I was giving my dog a run for her money (and she's been through a poo-eating phase!). The stomach cramps and bloat were equally as awful. In fact, this morning I am still bloated.

The plan is to watch/balance my carb and sugar intake. I've got to get this under control before I can move one to the increased dosage (and then do that again for the next step).

This is the first medicine I've been given that has given me any real side effects. My thoughts? This is for the birds.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Dr. K and the new game plan

Our first appointment with Seattle Reproductive Medicine went great! I am very happy that they were open on a Saturday, that made if very convenient.

The nurse took my vitals and pictures of J and I, she was very friendly. Afterward, Dr. K brought us back to her office. It was the first time we'd discussed our game plan, and the state of my lady-bits, over a desk and not while I'm up on an exam table.

She asked about our history and what we'd be through with our other doctor (Doc Oc). She explained the typical protocol for a new patient, how PCOS works and how the different treatment options could affect me/our chances of conception, and what she typically recommends.

Dr. K says that there are two basic plans, IUI or IVF. Since I am young and assumably have a good ovarian reserve (plenty of eggs left) and J has excellent little swimmers, she thinks we'd have great success with IUI. Secondly she talked about the drugs that could help me ovulate more regularly since that is obviously our largest obstacle. Since I'd previously seen more success with Femara (vs my non-response to Clomid), we're going to start with that.

I will go in for a baseline ultrasound once my next period starts. Based on the looks of things (so long as there isn't any problems like a large cyst, etc) we are going to do the max dose of Femara (3 tablets) on days 3 through 7 (slightly more aggressive than days 5-9). Potentially even days 3-9 for a better response.

In addition to the Femara, I got a prescription for Metformin. I start taking that immediately so that when we get going next cycle I will be ramped up to the full dose (you gradually increase the dose to minimize side effects). This is my first time on Met and hopefully the combination of these two drugs will be what I need! Metformin works by helping to regulate my blood sugar. A fringe benefit may be that with that help, and my continued focus on eating right and exercising, it could help me with weight loss. Won't get any complaints from me!

She also talked to us a bit about injections: HCG & FSH. Dr. K did not recommend the FSH injections for someone with PCOS. Because PCOS causes a lot of follicles to develop (vs. a normal woman who has 2 or 3) the FSH could result in a lot of those follicles maturing and vastly increase the rate of a multiples pregnancy. The HCG trigger may be the direction we go. We'll see!

Afterward we established our game plan she collected some information about us (are we allergic to anything? taking meds? how often we have intercourse? Do we do drugs or drink? etc). The only medicine I am taking is a Vitamin D supplement, because like every single person in Western Washington - I lack the necessary environment (AKA the sun) to produce enough of that on my own. She asked J if he has had his tested and he hasn't. We learned something else new - according to a new study Dr. K has read, apparently a deficiency in Vitamin D can impact the strength of the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. Go figure! We'll see what J's results look like and go from there.

That's the plan! We really like our new doctor, we're very comfortable with the current game plan, and actually a little excited for my next cycle so that we can get started!

If you have experience with Metformin (and I know some of you do!) or even the Femara/Metformin combination, I would love to hear about it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

To the RE we go.

After 10 months, J and I are headed back to the doctor today. In less than an hour we'll be leaving to see our new doctor for the first time. My mountain of paperwork is filled out, my transcripts have been transferred over, so physically I am completely prepared. Why am I so nervous?

I'm hoping that we can do this without losing myself again. That I can handle the doctors visits, meds, and intensity without going to the deep dark place I did last summer.

I'm nervous, but hopefully this will be what we need. If you have a moment to wish me luck, I would appreciate your positive thoughts.

Full report to come tomorrow!

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Quote

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before”.

Happy Friday, Everyone!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Talking about it

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, we've opened up to a couple more of our closer friends about 'our situation'. Even yesterday I was having a good chat with a woman I work with and I confided in her. She was so sweet, asked thoughtful questions and seemed genuinely interested in understanding and learning more.

Firstly, it is the first time in the 4.5 years that I've worked here that I feel like I finally have friends. (I love my new job.) Secondly, it just felt good to talk about it without being a blubbering idiot. There were very few times during our conversation that I had to focus on my breathing, play it cool, and force myself not to choke up. None of which I hope played out on my face. It isn't easy as pie, but I'm talking about it. I must say, it feels pretty great.

Obviously you have to trust your instincts. I will still not talk with those I know to be blabbermouths. I'm not going to share with the office douche. Nor will I be holding a press conference anytime in the near future. However, to those you know genuinely care, it feels great to get that piece of my life off my chest. There is enough in our lives to balance without feeling like we're hiding things or covering something up. Thinking of something to say when a friend asks why you're busy on Saturday morning is frankly too much effort at this point. No matter how much we hate it, infertility is still a part of us. It doesn't define us, but it does play a role in who we are.

Most importantly though, I'm no longer ashamed. I've taken positive steps in my life to get healthy and taken the past 10 months to reconnect with myself and my marriage, to regain a bit of my confidence. I'm a good person, friend, employee, and wife. (not necessarily in any order... lol) It's taken me all this time to realize that I am all of those things before I am an infertile. It is a small piece of me, not the whole, and I won't let that define who I am. Not anymore.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Painful Moments

Infertility is filled with painful moments. I've had my share. Medications that don't work, negative pregnancy tests, telling my mom about our struggles, watching the months tick away... they come in all shapes and sizes.

The ones that seem to hurt the most are those that are a bit less obvious. It is the subtle moments that sneak up and kick you in the ass. Like watching a group of friends with their children at the park. Seeing the kids and dad's break out and start a game of football. The littlest boy actually catches the ball, for what appears to be the first time, and his dad lifts him up in the air like he score the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.

Those are the moments that sweep me off my feet. And not in that dreamy fairytale way. I fight the tears as I try to replace that strangers face with my own husbands to imagine what that scene would be for us. My handsome husband and our own beautiful son enjoying the first beautiful day of the summer. Are those moments ones that I will ever get to call my own? Moments that will be filled with tears of overwhelming joy and love instead of this ache?

What if I never get those moments? Will I always be haunted by the could/should-be? Will that place in my heart ever feel less lonely?

Positive Spin: I saved a test.

Yesterday was a good day. I got caught up and even a little ahead on my work. The sun was shining for the first time in God only knows how long. A good friend of ours came over. We had a bonfire in the backyard while the dogs played. A good June day!

J told me that he'd confided in said friend about our 'situation'. So, when the conversation turned to my two week late period, we were able to talk frankly over the fire. We talked about how both guys were very confident that it would happen someday. We discussed adoption, foster care (our friends youngest brother was foster-to-adopt), the egregious cost of fertility treatment, etc. A good chat!

Then the inevitable happened.

I went pee and saw red.

Frick. CD 43 was over and replaced by CD1. For a moment I felt the familiar pang in my heart. But, I knew this was coming. At least now I could have a drink at the fire with no guilt. At least I saved my final test.

It's all about the positive spin.

Friday, June 3, 2011

McSkinny Friday

Well hello again McSkinny Friday!

I haven't updated in a bit because there hasn't been much to report. I decided that I was going to take a break from weight loss until after my globe trotting adventures. So, I did!

I'm happy to report that in the nearly two months of going it alone I have not gained! While in England/Ireland I drank beer, at things like cottage pie, and enjoyed my time. However, I was also walking multiple miles a day and out enjoying the fresh air in God's country! (Or the smokey/polluted air of London, but either way - exercise!)

It felt great. Feels great. But, I am ready to refocus my energies. I would like to lose 5lbs before I go to CA next month. That gives me about 6 weeks. That builds in minor slack for the bachelorette/wedding events I have coming up and is completely doable. If I can do about 5lbs a month, I will be at my first goal by the end of summer, AKA my birthday!

I cannot think of a better gift to give myself. Can you?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Word Vomit

Yesterday I found myself increasingly frustrated with my current situation. In order to get it out there and move on, I sent the following "word vomit" to one of my favorite peeps.

"Here’s the quick and dirty version… I’m feeling like a pity-party of one. CD41 today is today. Tested when we got home Monday (CD39) and it was negative. However, being that I’m not regular, it could still be early. Could be that with all of the excitement, I’m just not getting a period this month, I already missed May altogether (that would be a first in 2.5 years). Could be a false negative. Could be… Could be… Could be…

I hate this crap. Any other ‘normal’ woman at this point would have her answer. No PMS symptoms for me at all (which isn’t normal) until yesterday which started the sore boobs. That could be about appropriate timing for someone who was actually knocked-up. But my mind/body only do that sort of thing to keep that spark of hope burning. Because, God forbid if my bodies signs actually had meaning.

So my post-trip glow is tainted today with analyzing every twinge (gas, lol). So, I figured I would just own-up, say it ‘out loud’ and let the inevitable happen already. Positive Penelope over here!


Quality stuff, yes, I am aware. But I am sick and tired of this crap. I haven't even started back up yet and I'm already pissed. Why can't things (meaning my body) just function as they should!? I shouldn't now be on CD42 and still facing the unknown. Why do I lead myownself on?

Susan, who I might say has incredible insight - especially into my crazy psyche - had a great point when she said that my anger was probably another PMS symptom I hadn't thought about. lol - she's absolutely right.

PCOS is a mean bitch.

I am ready to get back to the doc and regain at least a little insight/control. I am waiting until this weekend to test again. One way or the other, I need to know.