Pregnancy MUSTs

Now that my pregnancy is a few months in the rear-view mirror, it is a fantastic experience to think back and remember it fondly. There are even days now that I miss my big ol' belly (my belly now is of an entirely different, not so fabulous, kind). Yes, my pregnancy had its tribulations - the bleeding scare, pneumonia, a displaced rib, hip pain... you know, fun stuff. But overall it was a very happy time for me. I felt prepared, at peace, and calm. Like I was finally on the right track.

There were a couple of things I did (and one or two I didn't and wish I did) that I feel really worked well for us. And now we are blessed with a few friends that are expecting little people and I am simply GIDDY to be able to share my own mommy-wisdom with someone else. After all this time, it's a bit of a trip actually.

On with the list!

1. A mom friend. People, I am all for being an independent woman. I like to program my own damn electronics, thankyouverymuch. However, I think women in general have done themselves a real disservice, at least I did, by not spending more time building their village. The old adage that "It takes a village to raise a child" could not be more true. You need a confidant. A mommy who's been there and done that. No, your experience will NOT be like hers, good or bad, count on that now. Don't use her experience to establish expectations, but use her instead as a sympathetic ear, an expert on what baby gear is a must and whats overpriced garbage, and you'll certainly want a cheerleader in those last couple of hard weeks. Don't even get me started on how invaluable these people are after your wee-one arrives, that's an item for a whole different list. And for God sake, stop feeling like a burden! I love sharing my experiences when I can and to do that AND help a friend? I wouldn't think twice. Plus, if you're bugging me, I won't hesitate to tell you you're being a crazycakes. 

2. A body pillow. Remember Tony Danza? Admittedly, J was not the biggest fan of sharing his bed with my new love. But Tony literally saved my ass. Well, technically my hips and back, but you get the idea. Things, they are a changin' and that especially applied to my joints. Having a plush, supportive pillow (I swear by my Snoogle.) was key. There are others out there that aren't as plush, so if that floats your boat, have at it. Also, washing the cover for my Snoogle was a royal pain in my previously-achy backside. It's worth it, but you've been warned. Also, they can be a bit pricey. Check for sales and coupons!

3. A photographer. There will be a day, sometime in your mid-30ish-weeks that you start to feel like a blimp. Pregnancy is beautiful and growing a child is a miracle topped by nothing else, but damn you won't feel as 'glowy' as everyone says you look. Take at least one day in the beginning of your third trimester, erase that mess from your mind, and have your picture taken. Can't afford it? Check Craigs.list or something similar for a student looking to build their portfolio, or have a friend that just got a new shiny DSLR for Christmas take pictures of you and your partner. The day before I had mine taken, I almost backed out. I cried, felt ginormous, and almost cancelled my pre-paid session. Can I tell you that I am SO happy I didn't? I will forever treasure these:

4. Maternity wardrobe staples. At least one cozy dress, yoga pants, and a bra to sleep in. I just passed my long cotton beautiful dress down to own of my best pals and my yoga pants? You bet your sweet ass I still wear those once a week. Ooooh yeah. Their the best. And there will more than likely be a point at which your boobs are tender and angry. That point for me was conception through sometime a couple months ago. A good sports bra or sleeping bra is a life saver.

5. A Doula. If you can afford this type of support, I highly recommend it. Our doula happens to be my very best pal. They are trained, educated, and handy as all hell. Mine did personal childbirth education classes in our home, answered my thousand questions a day, and was there during about 45 of my 53 hours of labor. If your husband is anything like mine (i.e. not a huge fan of discussing vaginas, and its various functions during labor, with an entire group of strangers, home childbirth education was awesome.) She helped us through all of the decisions we had to make. She didn't make them for us, or pressure us one way or the other, but she was an incredible source of knowledge as we talked through pros-cons, etc.This should be right up there with a good mom friend. It can change your life. (Doula Match)

6. A good chiropractor/masseuse. Speaking of life changing! Remember that displaced rib I was talking about? My chiropractor specializes in treating pregnant women and babies - he saved my damn life. Thankfully chiropractic treatments are covered by my insurance, so regular visits kept me much more comfortable. Especially toward the end. Your body is actually a professional contortionist, whether you knew it or not. You'd think your joints loosening and getting more flexible would feel good - but it doesn't. Nope! Not to mention, especially toward the end, you'll be carrying more weight than you're used to, your gait changes, etc, etc, etc. If your insurance covers this, take advantage!

lastly....

7. A journal. Pregnancy is filled with highs and lows. For me, this outlet with priceless. Wax eloquent about your pregnancy, your relationships.. make lists, check off names, write down questions for your next doctor/midwife appointment. Get that stuff out of your head. This really helped me sleep at night. Mostly, it helped me keep the peace. When I got all of the STUFF out of my head, I could focus on quality time with my husband, and more communication with my baby. I would talk to her (out loud and in my mind), rub my belly, day dream... without all of my worries or to-do's floating around messing it up. A huge bonus is that it is really fun to look back at.

I am certain there are many more things out there that can help someone through pregnancy. These happen to be my MUSTs. What were yours? What was it that you couldn't have survived without? A steady diet of ice cream? That probably should have been my #8... Let's hear it!

Labor and Newborn lists to follow soon!

Weight

As many of you guys already know, I've been one who has struggled with my weight and body image for years.

When we got pregnant I knew that would come with weight gain. What I didn't anticipate would be how hard it would be on me. It is really hard to watch the scale climb to numbers you never wanted to see again.

There are a few things weighing on me...

I'm not being as good as I should be. I've been dieting for so many years that I literally don't know how to eat normally. And since I don't know how, I've been careless. This was not helped by my initial aversions and weight loss in my first trimester. I got in the habit of being able to eat whatever sounded good. Which is never veggies, btw. Also, while sweets were an aversion before... not any more! Oh the guilt!

Since we got off to a rough start with this pregnancy, I've not been exercising enough. Plain and simple I haven't been active enough at all. J is pretty paranoid and even when I want to, I get 'maybe you shouldn't ...' not helping!

My doc did say that around 20ish weeks, give or take, that my weight gain would play catch up. Between that phenomenon and my lack of restraint, I am now up 17lbs at 26 weeks. Which, while not horrible at all, means I won't meet my 20lb weigh gain goal. In 10 weeks I've gained almost 20lbs. Damn.

My Gestational Diabetes test is tomorrow. I am so nervous. Since I don't handle carbs well anyway, I'm worried I won't pass. I don't want any other obstacles.

Starting this game overweight sucks. It makes everything harder. I am more self conscious. I'm harder on myself over the little things and I feel myself focusing on the wrong things.

Not my entire self is crazy about this. I do have a piece of my mind that days I've gained weight for worse reasons and lost it before, I can do it again! Also, I want to do everything I can to enjoy this time. If that means a small bowl of ice cream with the hubs at the end of a long day I suppose its worth it.

I need to get back in better habits. Walk more, eat more veggies, and take a damn deep breath.

We have been so blessed, I don't want to mess any of this up. So, if you have an extra prayer, please say one for me passing my GD test. I promise I'll be better. Pinky promise.

How did you deal with weight gain? Any tips or resources?

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Dreams of Lily

The last two sleeps in a row have held dreams of our little baby girl. It was amazing. She had short fuzzy blond hair (both her daddy and I did too as babes), big blue eyes (like me), and little tiny red pouty lips.

One of the dreams had moments of her with our pups. Both dogs laying near her, looking longingly at her, or watching her protectively. We've been thinking a lot about how to help the dogs adjust when we bring her home this summer. I hope that they're as good with her as my dream suggested.

With the exception of this weird moment in my dream when I was trying to get my dog (when she was a pup) into a comfortable position to be nursed - W.T.F. - it was a fairly boring dream about lazing about with our little Lily. I woke up and told J about it both times. Telling him that I got to see her and it really felt like what I imagine her to look like. "Was she a good little girl?" was what he asked. And she was. Throughout the whole dream she was quite or smiling, happy as a clam.

There could not have been a more perfect way to start our Saturday. Sun shining in the window, snuggled up with J and Tony Danza, dreaming of our daughter.

Daughter.

Like whoa.

Movement!

My 16th weeks started with something pretty amazing... movement!

For years I've heard people describe their baby's first kicks. Like bubbles, gas, poking from the inside... I was ready my week-by-week book and it describes the first movements has popcorn popping or a bubble (which is why most people confuse it early on with gas!).

"Popping" really resonated with me. For some reason when I imagined people talking about bubbles I was thinking something like carbonation (I don't know why...). But the idea of a single bubble popping is what struck a cord.

I lay in bed on Sunday nights, reading my pregnancy week-by-week book to learn about the week we have ahead of us. Then I try and lay there for awhile, thinking about our baby, talking to him/her, and generally just focusing on the good stuff. It's a special little moment each week.

"pop"

Was that what I think it was, or am I making it up??

It's very faint and if you blink, you'll miss it. Two or three more times over the next few minutes, I felt it. And then, just as I convinced myself I wasn't making it up, the show was over for the night. But it was amazing! To me it didn't really feel anything like gas, but I can understand the confusion with all of the other crazy feelings/pulls/etc that you feel throughout pregnancy.

This is an odd comparison, but have you ever made a spit bubble with your mouth? Go ahead, try it. Now, pay close attention to the sensation your lips have when it pops... that's what it felt like to me! Just a tiny bubble popping in my lower abdomen.

I know it's early and that this will come and go, but I cannot wait for this to be a consistent and regular occurrence. I may never do anything but quietly lay in my bed again.

15 Weeks

...and a day!

I'm happy to report that I am off to a great start in my 15th week. My rib pain has been reduced to an occasional annoyance and I am barely coughing! I am taking that as a sign of positive things to come.

This weekend was spent with good friends. It's a pretty amazing experience to watch our extended circle celebrate this baby. We are so loved and are so grateful for the community this baby will be joining.

I've laid pretty low, trying to let my rib heal and kick the last of this cough. It paid off - for the first time, I'm feeling healthy and I am no longer nauseous. This week also marked the return of chicken to my life! I am thrilled to be expanding my menu choices. So, I might add, is J.

Now, I am off to make another to-do list before I have to breath into another paper bag. Time is passing so quickly!

National Geographic Boobs

I'm here today to discuss another pregnancy oddity - boobs.

While my boobs have gotten a little bigger, enough that I needed a couple new bras, but not so much that the new ones are the best fit just yet. However, the oddity I am referring to now is my nipples. First, it started with the actual nipple. I've heard they get bigger, but now mine are two, noticeably, different sizes. And while the color of them hasn't changed too much, my aureola are now puffy and huge!

I got out of the shower today and was standing in front of the mirror (notice a theme this week? I've got to stop this self inspection!). J happened to be in the bathroom with me and was there to witness when I looked down and said, "Sweet baby Jesus my nipples are huge!"

After he stopped laughing, he agreed.

While I know they will continue to change, they already look like something straight from National Geographic.

I'm glad we had this talk, I'm feeling much closer already.

Steps in the right direction (and peach fuzz).

Things are looking up. I've seen the chiropractor some more and I feel like I'm making some progress. I'm not healed, but I'm feeling better and more mobile. The coughing is slowing down quite a bit and that helps a ton.

I am taking it very easy, trying to stay down a lot, and icing like a good patient. So long as we keeping moving in a good direction, I think I will be okay. The backwards steps were sending me into a bit of a tailspin, that's for sure.

But boy am I ready to be able to breath again without stress or pain!

The one things this has done well is serve as a distraction. I can't very well sit around and be impatient for my next appointment while I'm too busy nursing myself back to health. Time is passing quickly and I'm grateful to get to see our babe in just a couple more weeks. I'm so happy to start to see my belly grow. I will say that it is a bit odd to see without feeling anything though! I'm looking forward to continuing to see my body change.

With one exception - am I the only one getting a hairy belly!?

I got out of the shower last night and smiled down at my little bump. It was a nice little moment until I caught my peach fuzz in the bright bathroom light. My whole stomach is covered in it! I say peach fuzz, but I think everyone has little hairs, these are getting longer! (I am horrible at guessing length, but maybe 1/4"??) They're blond, and fine, but still! Please tell me this is a crazy phase and I won't have to shave my belly or something insane.

With that cheerie little visual, I am going to bid you adieu. Back to kicking back on the sofa and watching some DVR. Perhaps a Big Bang? Or a Modern Family? I could use a good chuckle or 5.

I'm Cranky and Sad.

I feel guilty even talking about not being all rainbows and unicorn farts during this pregnancy. My mind keeps going to this place of, "if I complain, people may think I don't appreciate this miracle I have." But, dammit, I hurt. I'm still coughing. And now I'm either getting a cold or my allergies have come early and in full force.

I had my second appointment with the chiropractor today. He gave me a good work over, adjusted my ribs again, as well as my neck and hips. Unfortunately, he said that he may not be able to give me a permanent fix until after I give birth. Are you kidding me!?

During pregnancy our bodies produce the hormone Relaxin. Its purpose is to help loosen your joints and ligaments to give birth. Makes sense. Unfortunately it isn't exclusive to your pelvis. So, while we work to put everything back, my body is fighting against it and is preferring to stay all 'loosey goosey'. Awwwweeeesome. I have one more visit tomorrow and then I'll probably see him as needed until I deliver. Just as I feel uncomfortable.

I got home, relaxed on the couch, and then I coughed - POP.

MOTHEROFALLTHATISHOLY

I cried.

I'm tired. I'm tired of coughing, and now sneezing. I'm tired of this pain. Of not being able to take a deep breath. Even my crying hurt my ribs too bad. It has subsided a bit, but damn. I'm really frustrated! How can my bones rest and get better when I'm jostling them around every 5 minutes?

I'm supposed to be starting to feel better. My nausea has all but subsided (I have my days...) and I'm getting to where I should be feeling good! I feel like I'm missing out. I cannot relax or enjoy this time because I'm mopey, sick, and in pain. Not to mention today is Valentines Day! How fun is a crying wife? Add guilt to my list of things to mope about.

I'm confident things will get better. I'm confident in my chiropractor. What I'm not confident in is the time frame with which this will all take place.

I'm a woman on the edge.

14 Weeks

I'm sorry that I've been MIA this week. My second trimester is off to a bit of a rough start. Nothing baby related, thank goodness, but I've been dealing with a misplaced rib. Yup, I managed to cough the sucker loose! It hurts like a mother and every time I breathe too deep or cough now, I get jabbed. YOWCH! I was able to get my first treatment with a new chiropractor today and I go back tomorrow. (Good Valentine's Day date, no?) Let's hope that gets me all fixed up! I'm ready to get back to just the regular ol' pregnancy ailments and officially ditch this leftover pneumonia garbage!

Even with a cranky rib, this week hasn't been all bad! We started cleaning out our extra bedrooms this weekend. Starting first with our "office" so that we can make room and clean out the nursery. Major donating, shredding, and organization is happening! It feels great to be taking a few steps toward getting things together.

The other great news, I'm finally starting to get a wee bump and I'm fairly certain at this point it isn't just bloat!! When taking my first belly photo, I really wanted to do it up right. Unfortunately, with the aforementioned rib, my chiropractor appointment today, and a long day at work - it was already dark outside. No good lighting and a tired/sore pregnant chick, means you're getting the no makeup version! Going forward, we'll see about snazzing them up a bit.

Without further ado - my first belly photo at 14 weeks.

Out of the Closet

We had out 12 Week checkup and NT scan today and it went beautifully. Babe is measuring perfectly, things are looking great, and the measurements from the scan (NT) were excellent.

J and I agreed that so long as all was going well, after this appointment, we would go public. We couldn't be home for more than 20 minutes before we started talking about it.

I have debated a great deal about whether or not we would make an announcement on Facebook. While I was hesitant, Jeremy was insistent. We agreed that we're going to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum, but because he felt so strongly about out stepping out on Facebook, we decided now was the time. We did learn of another friend that has been having trouble conceiving and also had a miscarriage. It is for those friends, and those that we don't even know of, that I really want to be respectful.

We've gotten such phenomenal feedback. We are so lucky to be surrounded by so much love and support. It's starting to feel real!

Here is the photo we shared with our family and friends on Facebook:Such a cutie already!

My Streak

My streak did what all good streaks do, it came to an end.

12 Weeks 1 Day

That is exactly how long I made it through this pregnancy before I threw up. Because I needed something else to do this week on top of the fevers, headaches, and the body shaking coughs.

I've talked a lot about my aversions and that the strongest of them surrounds my beloved meat. As my nausea has been lightening, I've been hoping to see an increase in the flexibility of my diet choices.

Tonight I was feeling good! I haven't had a fever today, and while exhausted, I can start to see some progress. We decided to order in and pasta was the winning choice. The thought of a meat sauce wasn't completely grossing me out, so I decided to go for it! Cannelloni it was. De-lish! I try to stay distracted if I'm eating something I'm not excited about. Keep talking with J, think of something else, just get through it.

Yeah, that worked for about 5 bites. I held that 5th bite in my mouth coaching myself through it. That worked for about 15 seconds before I had to haul ass for the bathroom. I will spare you the remaining details, but only say I had nothing left to give.

And I cried.

After I brushed my teeth and sucked it up, I conceded to Eggos and chocolate milk for dinner.

Let's hope it was a one time thing, shall we? Please? Pretty please?

11 Weeks

We didn't get to this point without a little bit of drama. But, I couldn't be happier to be here.

The beginning of my 10th week I felt great! My nausea took a couple days off and I even had more energy. It only lasted a few days, but I was grateful for the break.

Other exciting things happened this week. While I didn't make our pregnancy public knowledge, I did tell my bosses. I work with amazing women and my boss was really there for me during my miscarriage (having been through one herself). My direct manager was in town this week, so it was great to be able to see her and tell her in person. They both got teary eyed and went on and on about how happy they were for me. It was a fun moment. They've sworn themselves to secrecy until we're ready to go public.

I'm still experiencing some serious food aversions. In fact, it's made eating pretty frustrating. Being pregnant does limit your diet to begin with and then you add the things that you don't want anything to do with - most meat, especially beef (so sad!), red sauce, sweets, some breads... the list goes on. It's challenging to find something that J and I can both agree on these days. I've eaten my fair share of macaroni and cheese.

My weight is still down. 187 this morning. -3lbs since my BFP. While finding things that I enjoy is challenging, I am still making sure to eat very frequently so that I can get my calories in. This week I struggled with the water intake. Along with continuing to try, and sometimes choke down, different foods, water will be my focus this week.

We got to see baby on Saturday and he/she is looking amazing. We're so grateful that baby is not phased by the dramatic goings-on of the moment. I will never forget the sound of that strong heartbeat and the sight of our dancing baby. There were some serious water aerobics happening. This child is already better at working out than I am.

Tomorrow is my follow-up appointment with Doc Oc. I'm hoping for answers and another peek at our babe.

Here's to an uneventful 11th Week!

Our ER Visit

I won't make you read the full recount of our day before I tell you that everything looks good right now. We still need answers, but baby was measuring perfectly and heartbeat was thumping away at 160bpm.

J and I decided to have a productive day. We'd loaded up the SUV to the gills with things to donate. We did a major purge and it felt GREAT. The place where we made the donation is by the biggest mall in the area, so we decided to play for the rest of the afternoon. Impromptu lunch date and then, the highlight, window shopping at Babies R Us.

We ate lunch at a local seafood restaurant. I waited entirely too long to eat and felt like garbage. I was inches from throwing up (cold and sweaty - yuck!) and even feeling lightheaded. J even went to the bar and got me a glass of orange juice to get me through to lunch. Once I got food in my system, I was back in action. Those waves of nausea are no joke.

There are so many things that we'd never priced or played with we decided it would be fun to sit in gliders and play with strollers at Babies R Us. We had just arrived and J sat down in this adorable glider. It had great style. I didn't even get to look at the price and I felt like I'd peed my pants. "I need to find the bathroom." Which was at the opposite corner of the store. I hauled ass, afraid of what I'd felt, and my fears proved true - blood. Bright red and staining my jeans. I didn't have any pads, so TP would have to do. I found J playing with a cute plush toy and told him we had to leave. "Why?? What's wrong?" I told him that I couldn't talk about it there and as soon as we hit the car, I lost it. Ugly snotty cries and full hyperventilation.

Did I really just start bleeding upon entering a Babies R Us? How does this stuff happen to me? I wish I was making it up.

It took about a half hour before my doctor called me back. He just so happened to be the doctor on call. In that time we'd driven back north toward home. He gave me what I was expected - directions to lay low. If it got 'heavy' (1-2 pads/hr) to call him or go to urgent care. He also said that unfortunately he was out of the office on Monday, but could see me first thing Tuesday.

TUESDAY!?

The rest of the way home I was transfixed on that day. How on God's green earth could I wait THREE WHOLE DAYS!? I lounged around the house, tried to stay distracted with tv and sulked. I had a couple of heavy wipes and I finally called back just before 9:00 p.m. when I saw what I thought was stringy tissue. Final straw.

Doc Oc called me back and I told him that I was no longer comfortable. I wasn't going to rest, I was anxious, and I needed answers. Do I go and see him or visit the ER? He sent me to the ER and told me to expect a bit of blood work and an ultrasound. He would prove right. He laid things out - there is a chance this could be another miscarriage. But, he was looking at my last ultrasound and things were good, very good, even promising. That I needed to remember that bleeding was common and that many many women go on to have very healthy pregnancies after what can be considered heavy, and prolonged, bleeding.

They pulled me back really quickly, we were only in the waiting room 20 minutes, we had a private room and a great nurse. She even had us laughing a bit and eased our nerves. Unfortunately they decided to place an IV to draw my blood so that it would be there should they need to give me fluids. It was a little too real of a hospital visit for my tastes.

The process took forever. It was 11:30 before she came back and was prepping for my pelvic exam. She left and said she was going to see if the doctor was ready. 45 minutes later another woman enters, but instead of a pelvic exam she had a giant ultrasound machine. Finally. She scanned over the baby a few times looking at my ovaries, kidneys and taking measurements. We saw the baby floating around, arms moving. Was that because she was poking around? Or was our baby alive? The heart wasn't as pronounced this time because it is now within a more formed body. She wasn't still long enough for me to tell if its heart was beating.

Once she slowed down to take the finer measurements, we saw it. The little heart flicker. I lost it. Trying to hold back my sobs so that my belly wouldn't bounce while she was working. Then, she set to measure it, hit a button and wub, wub, wub, wub, wub.... our babies heartbeat. The first time we'd ever heard such a gorgeous sound.

After all the official stuff was over, she took the time to show us the spine, little feet (with itty bitty, but recognizable toes!), and waving arms. Unfortunately the baby decided to curl up toward the end, so that photo we got isn't the best. I couldn't care less.

We have instructions to see Doc Oc on Tuesday for a follow up. I am happy to report that this morning things appear to be tapering off. Much lighter when I wipe and it has taken on a brown tone. I am very interested in answers, but knowing that for now my baby is safe and dancing around, makes a world of difference.

We are both so grateful we decided to go. I am hoping that whatever this is was a fluke. I cannot imagine suffering even longer without knowing. We're all better off with a little less anxiety. Now that energy can be focused on more positive thoughts and getting some rest.

Preparing

I am doing my best to take advantage of my down time and relax. But, I know that there is such much that I need to start thinking about and doing.

Research Childcare
Learning about cloth diapers
Cleaning out the room that will be the nursery
Shopping for furniture for the nursery
Diaper bags/carriers/car seats/etc
Educating myself more on birth options
Once my morning sickness tapers off (yeah, the last few days have been a regression) I need to focus on a healthy diet - are there super foods I should eat?
etc.
etc.
etc.

Where do I start? Some of these things I feel like are too early to really get into. Is there a good checklist I can follow to help keep me on track? What am I not thinking of? I fear of getting deep into this pregnancy and have forgot something critical (my dream that the baby was born and I hadn't even looked into childcare, that didn't help).

I guess I feel a little lost. I was a pro with the IF piece. I've not spent a lot of time thinking about what would happen if we actually got pregnant. It was too heartbreaking. Now, I'm floundering a bit.

For those of you that have been there, where did you start? I need a place to direct my energy and take on small tasks before I get overwhelmed.

Waiting for the next appointment.

I think I had a little too much quiet time around the house this weekend. I am really anxious for my next appointment. I've been feeling better the last few days, very little queasiness, and that's really only when I wait too long to eat. Am I just managing it better? Is it fading because I am now 10 weeks? Or is something wrong? Thankfully the majority of me (90%) knows that it is perfectly normal for symptoms to fade as your hormones level out. And that this could be a temporary break at this point. I still have plenty of aversions (red meat, which I usually love, makes me want to gag), but otherwise, not many symptoms to speak of.

That other 10% spent a good thirty minutes dreaming up a reason I need to go to the doctor sooner than February 3rd, just for the reassurance that everything is okay.

And then I proceed to feel like a crazy person. I swear, I'm neurotic. But, I just want to see my happy and healthy baby. I thought about an in-home doppler, but the studies (or lack there of) for the first trimester freak me out.

I just need to learn to be patient, think positive thoughts, and get the hell over it.

Was there something that helped you through these early anxious moments? Does it get better when you can feel your baby move and see your belly grow? Or do you just pick something else to fret over?

Let's hope the next 2.5 weeks go by quickly.

Let's talk about drugs

And my current inability to get to the good stuff. (Don't confuse the 'good stuff' with the 'hard stuff'.)

The last couple of weeks, my left ear has been bugging me. When I talk it will pop and I would echo in my own ear. It was annoying, but it was a couple times a day, so I left it be. The last week it has been happening more frequently and for the last couple of days I've been getting pressure now too, even when it's not popping. Mostly annoying, but I'd like it to stop before it gets worse.

I decided it was due time to drop by the walk-in clinic. An hour and a half wait later, oh joy, and the doctor said I had no ear infection, but just pressure on my eustachian tube (runs along my sinus in my inner ear). Probably a swelling in my sinus causing the pressure. Blah, blah, blah - What do I DO about it!?

She finds one nasal spray that is safe for me to take when pregnant and calls it in. She told me that she noted 'No Substitutions', so if they ask - that's a no-no. Gotcha doc, that's kick this thing.

We grab dinner to allow time for filling the prescription and our friendly neighborhood pharmacist says it still isn't done. Why? Because my insurance doesn't cover this one, so he was calling to see about a substitution. Nope, sorry homes, not gonna happen. Tell me the sticker price and let's be on our merry way.

$125

labcoatsayswhat!?!?

Holy Llamaballs.

I about had a heart attack right there next to the cough drops and the reading glasses. No, we didn't buy it. Instead I am now home researching alternative remedies for my suffering. Mr. Pharmacist is going to hang on to that puppy for a few days if I can't work it out on my own. Kind of him.

Firstly, it isn't even the good stuff.

Secondly, what in a tiny tube of nasal spray could cost $125? Am I snorting gold flecks? Did it come from Columbia? (sorry, bad joke)

Lastly, I didn't even want to do it in the first place. I loathe nasal spray.

Here's to hoping I can find a creative way to relieve the pressure. Otherwise this mama is going to suffer, either from an annoying ear or a serious dent in her wallet.

Nausea

I have my good days and my bad. I think I've done pretty well ensuring that I eat small meals throughout the day, get plenty of water, and sticking to mostly bland food. I know that it has helped me manage my 'morning' sickness pretty well.

Yesterday was the worst of it, by far. We were packing up and headed home from our weekend in the mountains. My stomach was unsettled and I just got exhausted. I had to lay down on the bed while J finished up. I slept for about half the car ride and slept for over an hour when I got home. Clearly I needed the rest. Unfortunately all that sleep didn't help my nausea, because I could only force down about 4 bites of my spaghetti dinner.

I don't want to be one of those pompous infertiles that forgets where she came from goes straight to complaining about now being pregnant. I hope that my readers understand and it isn't necessary to preface every single statement with 'I am so grateful and wouldn't trade this morning sickness for the world'. Because we are thrilled to be where we are. I pray every day for you to join us and that each of you has the chance to battle morning sickness as well. (isn't it funny how we all wish to be sick and miserable? damn infertility twists us all.) I suppose this is also my way of saying that I understand if this isn't something you want to read about. This blog has always been an outlet for me and I hope that it continues to evolve as our lives do.

You're going to be seeing a lot more about my journey through what will be a happy and healthy pregnancy (staying positive!). There will be ultrasound photos and belly photos (soon!), ideas for the nursery, and other generally pregnancy related things. I hope that you'll hang around with me for the ride.

Meanwhile, I'm going to snuggle up on the sofa before I attack my house. Oh why must today be the last day of vacation!?

Anxiety

Does the nagging worry in the back of your mind ever stop? It isn't the crippling fear I had with my last short pregnancy, but just a hovering thought in the back of my mind.

It isn't helped by the fact I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing even close to red, but only the brownish spotting when I wiped. Nothing that ever even reached the liner. It's gone now, only sporadic over the last couple of days. While I know I cannot change anything if it is to happen, and that the kind of spotting I had can be perfectly normal (and quite common for that matter), I am still very anxious for our ultrasound this Thursday. I strongly wish that I could go in earlier. Only, I know that the early I go in the less likely I am to see anything...

I am trying to cut myself some slack, calling it nerves, and doing my best to relax. But instead, in these quite moments of vacation, my mind wanders to thoughts of - am I sick enough? I was sicker last week, is it going away? Should I be bloated and feeling different?

Boy am I ready to see that little black and white bean again. This mama could use a little reassurance.

Focus

I have zero focus to speak of. It is all I can do to stay on task at work and get through my lengthy to do list. My drive is just slipping away.

It certainly doesn't help that we have the week between Christmas and New Years off of work. So I have being pregnant and an impending vacation to distract me from doing anything at all.

The thing is, I have SO much to do! New things keep getting added to my plate and there is just enough of my 'old' self still around to say, "Sure, I'm happy to take care of it."

I have a feeling it is going to be a constant epic battle between my over-achiever self and this new - I have better things to do like grow a human - self.

Who will win? Probably not my sanity.

Pregnant Breakdown #1

Today was a royally shitty day. Period.

I woke up feeling a bit of a scratchy throat, but nothing dramatic. By the end of my commute I was congested. As I unlocked my office... yeah, I was in full sneeze-mode. I had to attend a breakfast event, throughout which I cleaned out my purse supply of tissues. About 10:00 a.m. I was starting to feel warm. So, I decided that I one last errand - walking to Safeway to pick up gift cards for our Adopt-a-Family program. It's about a 1/2 mile away, but even in my condition I decided to make the trek, in heels. Because, once that task was complete, I was getting the hell out of dodge.

As soon as I leave the office, it starts to rain. Greeeaaat.

I arrive at my destination, swipe my card (grateful that at least I will get miles out of the deal), and declined.

We try again, declined.

I quickly step to the side and call the dreaded financial-institution-that-shall-not-be-named (coughBofAcough), and what does there helpful service staff say when they answer the phone? "I'm sorry, but our systems are down. Can you please call us later today?"

NO!

I feel like shit, I haven't gotten my lunch, I walked a half mile in the pouring rain.. NO.

She connects me with someone who was not useless to me and tells me that as a security measure they declined my card. Okay, well I can understand why it isn't normal for someone to try and charge $4500 at Safeway. Kudos, banking institution, nice catch. But, it's me, so let me do my thang.

The long and the short - they couldn't fix it. And an hour of discussion, frustrating on my behalf, and obviously satisfying on their behalf - being as they got to say their favorite phrase, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do." Is there a supervisor? No, but you can get a call back within 24 hours.

They had no patience or understanding for my plight.

I got to march my, now very unhappy ass, to an actual branch. Where they could actually help me. And then march my ass back to handle my business, before I hauled myself back to my office - two whole hours later. But, not before I called J to vent, while I cried and snot ran down my face. I was walking the street in the rain while I hiccup-cried and my feet throbbed like I'd been dancing all night. Except, this time I wasn't too drunk to care.

I did promptly add another question to my list - is there a good reference for what I can and cannot take during pregnancy? Because right now I would like to OD on a nighttime something or other and not wake up until midday tomorrow.