Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I was right!

That sneaky little devil was up to something!

Jeremy had told me that on Friday we would go and pick up my birthday present. That we would be going to dinner and would have a bit of time to kill before he had to 'meet someone at 11:30'. ELEVEN THIRTY!? WTF!? He promised me it would be worth it and I wouldn't have to leave the car. He said nothing about the damn blindfold, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I made the mistake of wanting to start our evening with some shopping. I have one pair of jeans that fit, so I wanted to pick up at least one more pair. Any woman knows that jeans shopping is the quickest way to start of shame spiral of self loathing and depression. 23 pairs of jeans later, and almost attacking a sales lady in The G.AP ("I'm sorry, we don't carry that in your size." RAGE), I am on the verge of tears. Frankly, J was not helpful. His idea of shopping with me was to sit on his phone for an hour. (I will forgive him for this later). I tried on a size up and, at one store, two sizes up and they were too tight!

Note to Jeans Manufacturers: Get your shit together. Can't you hold an annual conference where you all calibrate the appropriate jean size and then all use the same scale!? Why am I a size 12 at one store and sobbing when I can barely button a 16 in another? It's cruel. Shape up or I'm going to start hunting you down.
One by one.

After the failure that was jean shopping we went to dinner. I sat in relative silence because I was afraid that the moment I opened my mouth I would cry. Jeremy asked, "How can jeans shopping do this to you?" Oh, if only he had a vagina, then he could understand. I, through watery eyes, explained that my waist is all I've ever had going for me. Big hips/thighs, but a nice waist. Except that now I was pregnant just long enough to get soft in the middle. So I can't find jeans and I have no baby. I warned you it was a shame spiral...

He asked me, "What if I told you that in a few hours I guarantee that you will feel better?"
My reply, "That for the next few hours I'm going to be a sucky human being to hang out with."

Meanwhile, I texted one of my very best pals - the lovely Susan. I lamented about my jeans experience and hers was the only solution that completely made sense. Fuck it, and EAT DESSERT. It's why I love her. That and the fact that she just gets my soul. I didn't get dessert, but instead spent an hour and a half in Target where I got a new lamp, a necklace, and a shirt. It worked, I felt a little better.

This is where the blindfold came in. We get back to the car and J says, "You're going to hate me for this, but I'm going to need you to put this on." and he hands me a scarf. "For serious??" I asked.


Thankfully I didn't make it 5 minutes on the freeway before I passed out (it was waaaay passed my bedtime). The next thing I remember was sitting up and complaining about the kink in my neck. Jeremy says, "I'm sorry, Sweetpea. Why don't you sit up? And while you're at it, take your blindfold off and look out your window."


It was Susan.

J flew her here from California to celebrate my birthday. That is who he'd been texting all night.

I threw my happy ass out of the car and jumped on her. I think I even squealed. I then proceeded to slug Jeremy in the arm and then kiss him. It was the best birthday surprise I've ever been given. My friend. The exact one I needed at exactly the right time. The crazy intuitive thing was he had been scheming with Susan to do this since MAY! How did the universe know?! Crazy kids.

We spent an amazing Saturday together. She and our friend Rachel cooked me breakfast and then took me to get our nails done. After that? We hit the outlet mall where those girls helped me find all kinds of good finds - including a pair of jeans.

I could have died happy after that afternoon.

We get back to my house, change our clothes, and head out to pick up Jeremy at our friends place - supposedly on our way to dinner. Nope! We get there and the driveway is filled with cars and lounging in the backyard is about a dozen of my friends and our parents. That man threw me my first ever surprise party! We grilled, drank beer, ate my Angry Birds birthday cake, and I got to spend the evening with some of my favorite people on this earth. I refuse, however, to talk about the tequila. I'm still trying to pretend that part never happened. My old friends mingled with my newer friends and they all folded together nicely. It may have been my greatest gift of all.

Jeremy outdid himself. Seeing him so happy about making me happy was by far my favorite part. Getting to hug Susan after the month I've had? Priceless. It was a fantastic birthday weekend. One I will never forget in a million years.

Friday, August 26, 2011


I turned 27 this week. I'm not entirely certain how I feel about it. I keep saying that I simultaneously feel very young and very old.

I had a great birthday. A very productive and fun day at work - my coworkers stayed to decorate my office after I left. There were crazy signs, streamers, and arrows all over my door and walls. I left work a little bit early and a couple friends took me to lunch at this really nice steak house downtown - one of my favorite of all time. We ate like kings, drank wine, and laughed like mad. Once I got home, I was so stuffed that I had no interest in dinner and J and I spent the evening snuggled on the couch. Birthdays in the middle of the week will do that to you. Or, is that a sign I'm getting old??

J has been a little wishy-washy about this weekend. First we were going to barbecue and I guess we waiting to long and most of our friends are busy, we were going to go to dinner Saturday and now we're going tonight. Now on Saturday he is talking about going to the state fair, just the two of us. I have my suspicions, there have been quickly turned computer screens and 'I'm not telling you any more''s... that boy is up to something. I am just crossing my fingers that I'm not getting my hopes up to truly just be having a chill weekend with my man (which I will never complain about!).

Either way, 27 has started out pretty great. I wasn't sure what I thought about transitioning into my mid-to-late 20's, but so far - so good. I feel more confident and at peace than I did in my early 20's. I've weathered a few more storms and that has rounded my edges a bit. I feel stronger, smarter, and a bit wiser (don't you laugh!). I've even taken small steps to work toward my purging and organizational goals.

26 was a roller coaster. Too many sad lows - getting dumped by my OB, taking a break from TTC, another Christmas without children, stress at work, helping friends through loss, work stress, family arguments, etc. However, there were a lot of wonderfully amazing highs - Travel (Las Vegas, cabins, Idaho, California, Eastern Washington, and of course - Europe.), great time with friends, 10 anniversary, Jeremy's 30th, a new job, seeing and experiencing my first weeks of pregnancy, hearing my mom and sister (and our lovely friends) cry when we told them we were expecting the first time, reaching and maintaining my 50lb weight loss goal - after 3 years of working at it, and many many more.

I'm ready for more stability with 27. I'm hoping that it is nothing like 26. I am still powering through The Year of Me (2011) and hope to finish stronger than I started.

Hello, 27, it's nice to finally meet you.

I will leave you with a funny...
J and I have just finished 'celebrating' (sorry, tmi, but what do you expect around here!?) the anniversary of my birth. Snuggled in bed, almost ready to doze off, J says, "Wow. I've never been with a 27 year old before." Goofball.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Our Getaway

::satisfied sigh::

This weekend was exactly what we needed.

After a long day of work, we spent Friday night hanging out with friends by the fire. Had a couple of beers, ate pizza, and reminisced about the good ol' days. The dogs played in the yard and we laughed until it got dark outside. A great way to end the week.

Saturday was mostly business. We were up at a decent hour and by 9:30 it was Chores-a-Palooza 2011. Jeremy tackled the outside, while I made the inside my bitch. He trimmed hedges, pulled weeds, edged, and mowed. While inside I was scrubbing the bathtub, wiping down walls, vacuuming, scrubbing floors, and dusting. We worked until about noon and took a break to have lunch in the sunshine. We spent about 45 minutes chatting and enjoying the gorgeous day before we got back at it to finish up. By the end I was exhausted. I would have liked to accomplish a couple more things, but we were spent. We got SO much done! We even made a small list of things that we needed to fix/replace that we found along the way (silly things like needing a new shower caddy).

After all of the hard work we'd put in on Saturday, we had earned our glorious Sunday. I took Monday off, so we headed into the foothills to stay at the Salish Lodge. If you live in the Pacific Northwest, you owe it to yourself to save your pennies and visit this place. I happened to get an extremely good Living Social deal (so good that it was only available for a day and a half instead of the original seven days!), so it wasn't so bad in terms of cost for us. Since we saved a bundle on the room itself, we scheduled an afternoon massage. It was Jeremy's first and I'd say he had more than earned it after the last six weeks or so.

We had a leisurely Sunday morning, got packed up and headed out. We stopped and had brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and I even did a little shopping at The Loft. We made it to the lodge before 2:00pm. Just in time to scope the place out before our 3:00 massage. Let me tell you - it was heaven on earth. It has been awhile since I'd gotten a massage, and there was definitely those points where it 'hurt so good', but by the end I was butter and it was tremendous. We took a little nap, returned to the spa to soak in the hot tub, and then got ready for dinner. We opted for the more casual Attic lounge, instead of the formal dining room, and we were not disappointed. We'd gotten there with perfect timing to be seating in the best seat in the house - a perfect view of Snoqualmie Falls. We had a couple drinks, a delicious dinner, and watched the sunset.

Our room was phenomenal. Honestly one of the nicer rooms I've stayed in and I have a pretty great list! It had a real wood burning fireplace (wood in the room), a cozy king sized bed, a patio and grass area outside, and a bathtub to die for. A giant two person jetted tub that even had crazy lights. They made sure I had bath salts for a good post-massage soak.

Needless to say, I didn't want to leave!! J managed to tear me out of the cozy bed and drag me down to what turned out to be one of the best breakfasts I've ever eaten. He had tasty waffles and me the french toast (no mention of a diet this weekend!), we shared some cocoa and watched the mist rise off of the falls.

We took our time coming home too. We stopped and did some window shopping, made a Costco run (I'm stocked on healthy food for the week!), and came home to make dinner and relax. We had a good discussion (started as a bit of an argument actually...) over getting rid of some of our stuff. We have a tendency to just pack things away instead of getting rid of things we don't need or use. Because God forbid if someday we might need it! About once or twice a year I purge some of it, but we need an overhaul. After a protective moment over some CDs, Jeremy agreed it was time for a purge. He suggested that we'd tackle one room each week. He felt that would help accommodate some of our busy nights and give us a chance to do a little bit throughout the week before finishing up on the weekend. Folks, we've got a plan. Even better - I got started today! I spent almost an hour in our room going through nightstands and the storage bench at the end of our bed. I cleaned out purses and already have a full tub of potential garage sale stuff!

It was a great long weekend. It gave me a chance to enjoy myself, take my mind off my troubles, and get some much needed one-on-one time with my husband. The nicest part was that even when my mind did wander to our loss, or trying to conceive, it felt positive and good.

I'm putting it down as one delightfully giant step in the right direction. Especially positive since I spent the weekend eating things like french toast and came away 2lbs lighter this week! YAY for drinking more water and getting some exercise!

Now, if I could just figure out how I can move into that Lodge without someone noticing....

Friday, August 19, 2011

Back to "Normal"

I had a short and sweet visit with Doc Oc today. He checked my cervix, did a quick ultrasound to check out my uterus and lining, slapped me on the ass as he shoved me out the door. Okay, not quite, but close (of course minus the ass slapping part).

He did a quick exam to look at my cervix and said everything turned out great. In the ultrasound we could see my uterus was back to normal and my lining looked good. There was nothing leftover and no reason at all for concern. A+

He did recommend that I wait until my next natural period before we start trying again. I'm still not certain where I stand there, or if I'll be ready, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. He also said that he'll want to see me when I'm pregnant again at about 6 weeks. Let's hope that isn't too terribly far from now.

If I had to have a miscarriage, I am happy that I was able to do it on my own and that once things got started, they went smoothly for the most part. I've been praying for this and glad nothing got in my way of physical closure.

This weekend I am running away with my husband for a night. We've already booked massages and a gorgeous room at a hotel that looks over a waterfall. I'm really excited to this much needed getaway. I think we've earned it!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Working on a better me.

Today wasn't the first time I've had someone say that I'm too hard on myself. Frankly, I've heard it a lot... basically all my life. And I completely understand that there are times that the expectations I hold for myself are unrealistic. Intellectually I understand that anyway, but emotionally... that's different. There are just some days, typically the unproductive kind that don't go so well, that I just feel bogged down. Like one of those running dreams. The kind where you are trying to get away from the bad guy/monster/alligator (don't ask) and no matter how hard you try, you're running in slow motion? That's the way I've felt recently. The wheels are spinning, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Another problem I have is my complete and utter lack of patience. Welcome to the last three years of my blog.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this today. And honestly it isn't the first time I've done some reflection on the topic. I know that I am going through a rough time. And while things physically may be wrapping up, I have a whole host of issues that still need dealing with... clearly. But, I don't want to be in that place. Two months ago I had found my groove. I was genuinely happy with my life and that just got turned upside down. I want it back and I want it back now. I don't want to wait to feel good again. To feel happiness, both with my life and with myself. Right now, my life is chaos and I spend most days feeling sorry for myself. A complete 180 in less than 60 days. Do I at least get a land speed record?

When I was home last week and watching some awesome (NOT) daytime television, I was given an interesting theory to ponder. Our home and surroundings are a direct reflection of how we feel and where we are in our life. Folks, if you came to my house right now, you'd know I was a hot mess.

Part of what I can't get a handle on is the whole chicken or the egg idea. Do I give myself the time to emotionally straighten myself out and then naturally I will have time for things like scrubbing my toilet? Or do I start to carve out time to physically get my world in order to make myself more emotionally sound? Since I cannot control the length of time it will take for me to get my emotional train back on track, I feel that getting my physical space in order is the best path. Except, I don't have time! Hence yesterdays frustration.

Now that I was able to do my venting and get it out there I can come back to reality and make a plan. One day at a time I can do something small to get me there. Luckily I am not alone in this world. I have wonderful support. I have a husband who is really picking up the slack and with some additional direction could be helping me rein in this craziness. I have the best friends. Friends that are willing to help me keep on track with re-losing the weight. To focus again on a healthy lifestyle and walk that road right along with me.

Something I really need to do, for my sanity, is purge. I've talked about this before and even got started on smaller projects. I think my first task is going to be to spend at least 30 minutes in one room, each day, until I've completed the whole house. That 30 minutes will be dedicated not to cleaning, but to getting rid of stuff. I will throw away things that have been broken or set aside, collect things for donation, and perhaps start a garage sale box. I feel like this is a manageable first step to simplifying my life. Clutter be gone!

Once I have cleaned out my space, the next step will be to clean it up. We'll tackle that another day. Now, who wants to help me convince my husband that he doesn't need the early 90's neon biking jacket that is still hanging on his side of the closet? This is going to be an adventure...

I really hope that making this a priority will help me regain my sanity. It can't hurt, right? Because I don't know when my heart will feel whole again. When I will make it a full day without a moment of sadness. When I'll be ready to jump back on that TTC horse again. But I guess we cannot wake up every day and say, "Am I ready yet??" I know that day will come when it comes. And when it does, I hope that my efforts to revamp my life will make me feel that much more prepared.

Thank you for managing to stick around during some of my crazy times. I know it probably isn't fun to watch my crazy train derail every other day, but having the opportunity to vent like I have, and to get your support, really does help me. Every day I feel the love, or the gentle kick in the ass, that I need. I appreciate your patience while I work to get back to some more regularly scheduled programing.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Overwhelmed... Again.

My life is a crazy train. Currently we are:

*Trying to sell our rental house. We need to get our from underneath the extra expense. This is requiring all kinds of documents and contact from my agent. Almost nightly I am printing up documents, making copies, and faxing them back. The best part - I don't have a working printer. Thank goodness for friends and the new Staples in town. Ridiculousness.

*Work is a madhouse. I am working at about 1.5 peoples jobs right now. I literally am multitasking from the time I sit down until I leave at the end of the day. Yesterday I went almost 10 hours without even visiting the bathroom. I was even one of those crazy office cartoons where someone is writing an email, answering the phone, closing drawers with her feet, etc. NUTS! It is also starting to be the busy season for my volunteer work. I don't get paid to chair our volunteer committee, but it the best part of my job. Unfortunately starting this time of year it takes up more of my time. Right now that equals 10+ hour days.

Those two things are enough. They fill up an entire day. It leaves enough time to eat dinner, shower, and give me about 6.5 hours sleep (even though I'm an 8+ hours a night kinda gal). It is all of the things going undone that are piling up around me.

*Projects I want to tackle at work
*Office/Guest bedroom choas - disorganization and piles are everywhere
*My house has barely been cleaned in weeks. Poor Jeremy has been getting us by these last couple weeks
*There is hardly anything edible in my refrigerator. Not great considering I've got no time to plan ahead for healthy meals.
*The dogs are months overdue for a vet visit and they both need it. Little Lacey is still a poo eater ::GAG::
*My ultrasound appointment last Friday? I simply FORGOT IT. I have never done that before. I even mentioned it here the night before. Just completely slipped my mind.
*Pictures on my camera are sitting there unedited and haven't been distributed
*The gym - folks, I've gained 10 lbs and am bitter as hell about it. 10lbs and no babe to show for it. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has REgained weight for a baby she didn't get to keep.

And frankly, I've forgotten the rest. Dusting around the ceiling? Maybe next spring. Laundry? Smells fine, isn't wrinkled = clean!

I need to seriously get my shit together. J has been fantastic. Really truly wonderful. He is picking up my slack and then some. I'm not worthy.

I know my motivation is in there somewhere. I know that I'm capable of doing more to get us through. I mean - look at me - I've been sitting here for 10 minutes bitching about it when I could be scrubbing a toilet. But going at 110mph for 18 hours a day is for the birds. I need a maid and an assistant.

Know anyone that wants to work for free?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Yesterday Was Good

Yesterday I really felt like me. With the exception of a few crampy or painful moments, I felt more like myself than I have in weeks.

We hung out with our friends all day. We drove up into the mountains with the dogs and spent the afternoon. The dogs swam in the pond and chased each other around. I taught my girlfriend to drive the quad and we shot guns. Didn't know I had that much redneck in me, did you?

Let me tell you, shooting was phenomenal therapy. I picked up a rifle for the first time and I felt back on top of the world when I hit the target with the first shot. Especially when the boys hollared. Doing something better than the boys just does something for a competitive girls ego.

We went for ice cream, chatted on the long drive and in general kept things off my mind.

It was just what the doctor ordered.
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Saturday, August 13, 2011

life is continuing.

There are still all of these expectaions. Work is coming in like crazy. My floors are disgusting. Bills still come in and need paying. Dogs need to eat.

The expectations and demands on me haven't changed.

But I have. I've had this major thing happen to me. My dreams were answered and taken away from me in the same month. In a way, my life changed. But now, while I've physically changed back, but my mind can't go back to being the same as it once was. Not yet anyway.

Not to mention, I have no desire or motivation to do those things. I've struggled the last couple of days. I feel like I am only operating at half capacity, but the world didn't seem to get the memo. Add to that my lack of motivation an desire to go through those motions and maybe I'm really only operating at a quarter capacity. Needless to say I've been feeling guilty, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

There are too many things going on at once and I would really appreciate a break. I dream of unplugging the phone, hiring a maid to work for three days straight, ordering a weeks worth of prepped meals, paying a personal assistant to see to the mail checking and bill paying, and crawling in bed next to my husband for a week.

Instead, I will take tonight off. Tomorrow I will make a checklist and see to checking at least one thing off each day. One step and one day at a time.
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Friday, August 12, 2011

Almost Done?

I have no idea what's going on inside, but it appears I might almost be through the physical part of this miscarriage. I have an ultrasound this evening to be certain.

Wednesday night was horrible. I barely slept and spent the majority of the night in the bathroom. I was really grateful the on-call doc a few weeks ago called me in a prescription for pain medicine. I avoid taking them as much as possible, but it really helped take the edge off Wednesday night. There was a lot of pressure, aching, and that odd feeling to 'push' I've heard described before. A significant amount of blood (nothing I ever felt was dangerous) and a lot of tissue and clotting.

When I did get to lay down I couldn't get comfortable or sleep. Add to that I was afraid I would disrupt J even more. Every time he was conscious of me getting in/out of bed he would wake up, sit up, and ask me if I was okay, made sure I had my heating pad, etc. The poor guy had to work before dawn the next morning. After the meds kicked in late in the night (2:30 a.m. or so?) I wrapped myself in blankets and rested on the couch. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep.

There is still some bleeding, but it has gone down significantly since yesterday morning and Wednesday night. It was then that I'm fairly sure I passed the bulk of tissues. (sorry again for those that are sensitive...) I'm positive that I passed the sac. I was (irrationally?) afraid that I would see something that I could recognize. I wasn't sure how I would handle that. Thankfully, while this mass was certainly different looking and larger, it was nothing terrifying. For those curious, it was between the size of a cotton ball and a golf ball, if I had to guess. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but I was not further traumatized.

J is really ready to try again. He's convinced we'll get pregnant really quickly after this. In fact, he doesn't want to pick immediately back up at Seattle Reproductive. I agreed to wait a cycle before we went back, but I fear that he's getting his hopes up and has unrealistic expectations. I hate the idea that he could be disappointed again. We had a chat about it last night, but I'm not sure I swayed him. He's always so optimistic. It's one of the things I love about him.

Fingers are crossed that I'm on the downward slope. I'm ready to take steps to move forward. Ready and waiting.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Beginning of the End

Aren't you glad you come here for all of this uplifting and inspirational discussion?

Yesterday I gave you a little vent about how it was only Tuesday and it was amounting to a craptastic week. I had planned to go to bed early and forget it all happened. Remember that? Cause I barely do.

Instead, my miscarriage is starting. (for those sensitive to this topic, you may want to skip today's update. My feelings won't be hurt)

I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about the whole thing, because I knew it was coming. Somehow it is still managing to sweep me off my feet.

I originally started to type out all of the details, but really I don't think you want to hear all of the steps regarding its progression. I'm not certain where I am in the process. I haven't had any copious amount of bleeding, but I'm definitely not comfortable. I've also passed some tissue.

Also, I'm not really sure yet how I'm feeling. Numb might be the best way to describe it. Maybe that's because this has been coming on for so long? Who knows... I don't really feel like talking too much about it.

My best friend just saw her baby's heartbeat for the first time today. The last thing I want to do is put it out there and rain on her beautiful parade. She's already so worried about hurting me. I think that may be one of the hardest parts - watching your family and friends walk on eggshells around you. Not sure when to call or what to say.

Mostly, I just feel like being alone. Snuggled on the sofa in my sweatpants. Maybe mindlessly zoning out to Pinterest?

This wasn't a very cohesive or well organized post. I'm sorry, but I guess that's where I am right now. Thank you again and again for your positivity and prayers. Lots of love and hugs for each of you.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A rough week.

It has been a busy and hellish week at work already. Only two days down and I am exhausted.

I came home to a bill today. Apparently my insurance doesn't want to pay for about half of my acupuncture visits. Of course they only do not want to cover the ones where 'Infertility' was listed as my primary complaint. Even if I was also being seen for headaches, stress, or another 'legitimate' health issue, if it isn't in the #1 box, they don't want to pay it.

I called the clinic and she is going to see what she can do about a few of them. She suggested I write my concerns down and send her an email as this would be good reference when she spoke with my acupuncturist as well. That period of time was supposed to be about improving my overall health (managing stress, eliminating tension/pain, losing weight, etc). The fertility benefits were supposed to be fringe. But, because we talked about it and he made notes in my chart, I might be screwed.

This is very irritating. If I get 12 acupuncture or massage visits with my insurance, why can't I just use them for whatever the hell I want?? Why should it matter? I'm sorry that some of my concerns are not legitimate enough for you. Punks.

My spotting also kicked up a notch today. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can call it that anymore. Light bleeding? Hell, I don't know what to call it. But, I do know that I've cramped off and on today. And in general I'm feeling like a sluggish lump with too much to do and zero motivation to do it.

Part of me appreciates being incredibly busy at work. So swamped that I cannot slow down and think about any of it. But the other part is now coming home mentally exhausted in addition to the emotionally exhausted and none of that equals getting anything productive done. But I figure the dogs are fed, we're fed, and the house hasn't burnt down. Yet. So, if the vacuuming only gets done once this week we are not going to die. Let's just hope that I start to get back with the program.

I vote that I kiss this crappy day good night and hit the hay early. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. Perhaps before I go to bed I will make a checklist of all that I need to accomplish. It'll probably look depressing, but at least I'll know where to start when I'm ready to ditch this funk. Sound like a good plan to you?

Good. I appreciate you having my back.
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Sunday, August 7, 2011


Lasts night dream was beautiful and it broke my heart, all at the same time.

J and I had our baby, she was just born the week before (although in part of the dream I was getting her to repeat what I said, 'I love you, Mama' - she was about a year... weird dream logic!). We had taken her to my grandmothers to meet her. My cousins and aunt and uncle were there. We spent our visit sitting around chatting.

At one point our daughter had tottered out the back door and I had to chase her down (see, weird timewarp again). My grandma gave me a hard time that I was already getting my payback since I was such a stinker too. I remember trying to call after her as I got up and not being able to come up with her name. It was like we hadn't decided on it yet. I caught her, gave her tickles and she laughed and laughed. This is where I got her to say, 'I love you, Mama.'

At the end of our visit, I was sitting with my grandma and got up to get the baby. She was in the rec room. My grandpa had put her to sleep and was snuggling her all wrapped up and ready to go home. (My grandpa passed away in 2004.) He hugged me, my grandma was teary eyed and we left the house.

I don't remember anything else, I'm not sure if I woke up...

It was beautiful to see Jeremy with our little girl. It was amazing to see my grandpa doting on our daughter. To have my cousins give me advice. I can remember tucking her warm little body into the carseat. It was an opportunity to 'see' something I'll not get to experience in real life, since my grandfather is no longer with us.

But it breaks my heart to know we're starting over. To know that I will never see my daughter meet her funny great grandpa. That she will never actually squeal and run through the kitchen to get away after grandpa says, 'I'm gonna get you!' But, I guess you never know. Maybe they're playing chase up there right now.

I miss you grandpa. Take care of her for us.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Up, But Not Enough.

Of course I cannot do anything the easy way. My betas were up, but not enough.

Thursday, 7/28 - 12,294
Wednesday, 8/3 - 12,935

In a week I should have seen those numbers double. I'm afraid Doc Oc was right - while we've seen progress in the scans, this doesn't appear to be a healthy developing pregnancy.

My next ultrasound is Friday, 8/12.

I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I'm crushed. I allowed my hope to crawl back up there only to get kicked off the ladder again. I feel horrible and guilty for feeling this way, but another small part of me is relieved. Don't confuse this - I am not relieved not to have a healthy Sprout. (double negatives anyone?) But, I am relieved to be finding some resolution and to step away from this crazy roller coaster.

Sprout has received an early promotion. He/She is going to be up there in the clouds, scouting all of the other babies. Finding us the perfect one. A sticky, healthy, chubby baby meant only for us. As soon as he/she is found, I know Sprout will send them to us. Sprout the Scout. I like that.

Our Sprout is a fighter. Clawing and battling all the way. I'm proud of my little Sprout for giving it all he/she had to give. Keeping that doctor, and his/her mama and daddy, on their toes. It's how I know that baby was mine - scrappy and stubborn as hell.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

No Update.

I am furious. How can the doctors office NOT CALL? Don't they know I've been sitting around petrified for 24hours?

My nurse is usually really on top of things. The first appointments at the office are at 9:00am and she usually calls me right around 8:30. This morning? Nothin. Turns out it's a different nurse Thursday and Friday. I decide to give them until my lunch time.

11:30 rolls around and my phone has rang 1,000 times, but not once has it been their office.

I call and let the receptionist know that I'm waiting on test results and I haven't heard back. She said that the nurse was on the phone, but she would have her call me.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Two hours roll by and I've lost my patience. I call again, get the same receptionist and tell her I still haven't heard. She places me on hold for what feels like forever before she comes back to let me know that they are waiting for my doctor to view the results.

What the hell, doc? Get with the fricken program!

Apparently the results were sent to him to review before being released to my chart where the nurse could get them and call me. This is a first. Of course my mind is now going 1,000 mph wondering what it all means. Is that a good thing? Did they go up, which we were expecting, and now he's spending time piecing it together? Or did they go down and he is putting off calling me with bad news? What does it all mean??

It is now almost 6:00 p.m. and the office is closed. That means no phone call for me today. No update. No results. Only nausea (nerves? pregnancy? here I go again...) and anger.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Inconclusive. Again.

"Are you fricken kidding me right now?" - is exactly what I said when Doc Oc told me that it wasn't conclusive.

I'll start at the beginning so that you can catch up. I have a hard time following it myself and I was there. Physically anyway.

I dropped my pants and hopped up on the table, spread eagle like a champ and braced myself for my weekly date with the dildo cam. With Jeremy by my side Doc Oc starts rooting around and I immediately see the yolk sac that they mentioned last week. Seeing it live I could instantly see that it was different than the basically empty black orb we saw in our first ultrasound. He pointed out that he could even see the fetal pole. We compare that image with the ones from last week and could see with our eyes that things have changed. The measurements he took confirmed growth in both the yolk and the gestational sacs. Those were the positives.

The down side is that nothing is adding up. Knowing I have PCOS makes my ovulation date a bitch to track. Impossible is more like it since I was doing nothing to track it. Based on the measurements he is guessing about 5 1/2 - 6 weeks gestation. That makes things technically possible but damn close. But, he is 95% positive we're not looking at a healthy pregnancy. The spotting is certainly discouraging. It could be nothing, but I sure would like it to go away. I'm not even sure how I could get my BFP on 7/4 and just now be measuring 5 1/2 weeks. The whole calculating gestation thing gives me a tension headache.

What do we do now? Well, we are scheduling yet another ultrasound for next Thursday. I got yet another blood draw and betas will be available tomorrow. Doc Oc says that based on the measurements and images we saw today, that in a normal healthy pregnancy we should see significant growth (double in size?) and a heartbeat next week. Now that would be the definitive answer I'm looking for.

How on God's green earth can we STILL not have answers?! This is crazy. Progress, but not normal. Beta's fall, but they go back up.

Jeremy and I decided that after that debacle we deserved to be treated to dinner. We even bought ourselves a consolation prize - AKA an ice cream sundae. Because you know what this whole mess is?

A mindfuck.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Up and Down

Every day, hour, minute I switch between hopeful and scared. I spend my time analyzing every twinge. I've been trying to keep myself distracted and focus on other things. Frankly, I'm not very good at it.

I've spotted off and on which is never fun to see.

I analyze and over analyze everything. Do I feel gross because I'm pregnant? Miscarrying? Gas?

Basically, the roller coaster continues it's up and down, up and down.

Neither of us have a gut feeling what tomorrow will bring. Of course, we know what we want. We know what we're praying for. J and I are both really hoping for answers tomorrow. Something definitive so that we can stop this torture.

Thank you again and again for your thoughts and prayers.

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Roller Coaster That is My Life.

Well, I've never been one to do anything the easy way. Why would my 'miscarriage' be any different??

Why the annoying little quotes? Let me back up a step, or five.

Last week left us here. With a beta of 8406. I spent the week mourning the loss of our sweet Sprout. I spoke with my nurse and a couple of doctors about our next steps. The game plan was to continue to get my betas done on a weekly basis to ensure I was working my way back down to zero in a timely and orderly fashion. Sounds simple enough, right?


I was supposed to go on Friday, but I decided to get my blood drawn Thursday night instead. As you know from my last post I was flying the coop for the weekend and I wanted to get my results Friday morning before I set off for my wine filled, sunshiney, extravaganza.

I only had to work a half day, so I was headed to my car at 11:00am when my doctors office number showed up on my caller id. Nicely timed. I can wrap this little piece up and get-to-gettin'. HA!



Last time I checked, 12,000 something is a LOT higher than 8,000 something. Not lower. Yeah folks, that's right, my betas went up. A lot. Now I am at a complete loss for words and my nurse, the sweet woman that she is says that she just plain doesn't have an explanation. But the good doctor did want me to get in right away to scope things out.

An hour later and me and my good pal the Dildo Cam we bumpin uglies on the exam table. I couldn't actually get in at my doctors office, so she sent me to see a radiologist at the lab next door. Since she isn't my doc they cannot give me the results. I did get to sneak a few peeks at the screen though, and with my advanced ultrasound skills I could see that things were different. Different how, I'm not sure (okay, so I'm not that advanced).

I had to wait FOREVER for my nurse to call me back (it was about 15 minutes) to tell me what in the hell I was in for. They saw the sac again, but the reason the sac looked different was that this time, there was a yolk.

Dudes and dudettes, there has been progress since last week. Insert my panic attack, hyperventilation, and utter dumbfoundedness. My nurse could not confirm my state (she isn't allowed), but she was very clear that I needed to drink plenty of fluids, I was on pelvic rest, I should take it very easy, do no heavy lifting, and absolutely take my prenatal vitamin.

Needless to say my weekend was not wine-filled.

There are no guarantees in this life. But thankfully we only have to wait until Wednesday to get another peek and see what in the hell is going on down there. I did have a bit of spotting last night. The first wipe was pretty dark red (sorry TMI), but it's been brown ever since. So, you just never know. I have no idea how this could be possible. I have no idea if Sprout (now renamed by its Aunties, 'Ninja') is still with us, but we're praying harder than ever.

I'm ready for definitive answers. If this is over, I need to know. If it isn't over? I want to be enjoying this time.

If you happen to have a spare prayer laying around, we are currently accepting donations.