Sunday, August 7, 2011


Lasts night dream was beautiful and it broke my heart, all at the same time.

J and I had our baby, she was just born the week before (although in part of the dream I was getting her to repeat what I said, 'I love you, Mama' - she was about a year... weird dream logic!). We had taken her to my grandmothers to meet her. My cousins and aunt and uncle were there. We spent our visit sitting around chatting.

At one point our daughter had tottered out the back door and I had to chase her down (see, weird timewarp again). My grandma gave me a hard time that I was already getting my payback since I was such a stinker too. I remember trying to call after her as I got up and not being able to come up with her name. It was like we hadn't decided on it yet. I caught her, gave her tickles and she laughed and laughed. This is where I got her to say, 'I love you, Mama.'

At the end of our visit, I was sitting with my grandma and got up to get the baby. She was in the rec room. My grandpa had put her to sleep and was snuggling her all wrapped up and ready to go home. (My grandpa passed away in 2004.) He hugged me, my grandma was teary eyed and we left the house.

I don't remember anything else, I'm not sure if I woke up...

It was beautiful to see Jeremy with our little girl. It was amazing to see my grandpa doting on our daughter. To have my cousins give me advice. I can remember tucking her warm little body into the carseat. It was an opportunity to 'see' something I'll not get to experience in real life, since my grandfather is no longer with us.

But it breaks my heart to know we're starting over. To know that I will never see my daughter meet her funny great grandpa. That she will never actually squeal and run through the kitchen to get away after grandpa says, 'I'm gonna get you!' But, I guess you never know. Maybe they're playing chase up there right now.

I miss you grandpa. Take care of her for us.


  1. The night before I found out I was miscarrying for the third time, without even knowing I was pregnant, I had a dream about my little girl. It was a blur, but I can still remember her eyes so clearly it haunts me. The next night at the hospital, waiting to hear whether I had an ectopic or not, I told my husband about the dream. He said that it was our baby, telling me that she's coming, and that she loves us. I hold that in my heart till today, and it's been 3 months since my last loss. I find it a huge comfort. I hope this dream does the same for you.

  2. Gosh I am so sorry. That was a beautiful dream and I hope that you can take some comfort from it. You will see your child running around and they will say I love you - it just may be a different child.
    Wishing you the best and know that I'm here in this hard time.

  3. What a heart warming/ heartbreaking dream :( Ive had similar ones too. And you just wake up feeling "Why can't that be real??" :( I know your grandpa is watching over her and keeping her safe until you can see her again...

  4. Your post made me cry this morning. My heart is breaking for you. I know how difficult it is to suffer a loss (I've had three in the past 3 years) and I know there truly are no words at a time like this. Please know I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your journey.

  5. Oh goodness...what a heartwarming dream. And heartbreaking. :-/ I love that your grandpa is up there taking care of her for you...just priming her for life in your family. Because she's yours. All yours!