Thursday, August 18, 2011

Working on a better me.

Today wasn't the first time I've had someone say that I'm too hard on myself. Frankly, I've heard it a lot... basically all my life. And I completely understand that there are times that the expectations I hold for myself are unrealistic. Intellectually I understand that anyway, but emotionally... that's different. There are just some days, typically the unproductive kind that don't go so well, that I just feel bogged down. Like one of those running dreams. The kind where you are trying to get away from the bad guy/monster/alligator (don't ask) and no matter how hard you try, you're running in slow motion? That's the way I've felt recently. The wheels are spinning, but I'm not getting anywhere.

Another problem I have is my complete and utter lack of patience. Welcome to the last three years of my blog.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this today. And honestly it isn't the first time I've done some reflection on the topic. I know that I am going through a rough time. And while things physically may be wrapping up, I have a whole host of issues that still need dealing with... clearly. But, I don't want to be in that place. Two months ago I had found my groove. I was genuinely happy with my life and that just got turned upside down. I want it back and I want it back now. I don't want to wait to feel good again. To feel happiness, both with my life and with myself. Right now, my life is chaos and I spend most days feeling sorry for myself. A complete 180 in less than 60 days. Do I at least get a land speed record?

When I was home last week and watching some awesome (NOT) daytime television, I was given an interesting theory to ponder. Our home and surroundings are a direct reflection of how we feel and where we are in our life. Folks, if you came to my house right now, you'd know I was a hot mess.

Part of what I can't get a handle on is the whole chicken or the egg idea. Do I give myself the time to emotionally straighten myself out and then naturally I will have time for things like scrubbing my toilet? Or do I start to carve out time to physically get my world in order to make myself more emotionally sound? Since I cannot control the length of time it will take for me to get my emotional train back on track, I feel that getting my physical space in order is the best path. Except, I don't have time! Hence yesterdays frustration.

Now that I was able to do my venting and get it out there I can come back to reality and make a plan. One day at a time I can do something small to get me there. Luckily I am not alone in this world. I have wonderful support. I have a husband who is really picking up the slack and with some additional direction could be helping me rein in this craziness. I have the best friends. Friends that are willing to help me keep on track with re-losing the weight. To focus again on a healthy lifestyle and walk that road right along with me.

Something I really need to do, for my sanity, is purge. I've talked about this before and even got started on smaller projects. I think my first task is going to be to spend at least 30 minutes in one room, each day, until I've completed the whole house. That 30 minutes will be dedicated not to cleaning, but to getting rid of stuff. I will throw away things that have been broken or set aside, collect things for donation, and perhaps start a garage sale box. I feel like this is a manageable first step to simplifying my life. Clutter be gone!

Once I have cleaned out my space, the next step will be to clean it up. We'll tackle that another day. Now, who wants to help me convince my husband that he doesn't need the early 90's neon biking jacket that is still hanging on his side of the closet? This is going to be an adventure...

I really hope that making this a priority will help me regain my sanity. It can't hurt, right? Because I don't know when my heart will feel whole again. When I will make it a full day without a moment of sadness. When I'll be ready to jump back on that TTC horse again. But I guess we cannot wake up every day and say, "Am I ready yet??" I know that day will come when it comes. And when it does, I hope that my efforts to revamp my life will make me feel that much more prepared.

Thank you for managing to stick around during some of my crazy times. I know it probably isn't fun to watch my crazy train derail every other day, but having the opportunity to vent like I have, and to get your support, really does help me. Every day I feel the love, or the gentle kick in the ass, that I need. I appreciate your patience while I work to get back to some more regularly scheduled programing.


  1. Oh man, if our surroundings are telling our emotional state then girl, I'm right there with you... HOT MESS! Ever since the miscarriage I've been trying to get our house back in order- it feels like an uphill battle, but I've found I feel better if I can complete at least one task everyday.
    Thinking of you!

  2. I think that purging the unnecessary stuff from your life is a great idea!! I feel so much better when my surroundings are both clean and simplified. Hang in there honey.