Thursday, July 28, 2011
Part of me wants to call the whole thing off, crawl under a blanket on my sofa and not leave until Monday morning. The other, thankfully greater part, is really looking forward to a weekend full of distraction.
My bags are packed, the beach bag is filled with beach towels, battery powered iPod dock, my floppy hat, and the floaty cooler. Yes, I will be floating on the lake, with a cooler by my side. I will pause for a moment of silence while you're jealous of my cooler. (hey, a girls got to celebrate her few joys in life.)
Thank you again for all of your love and encouraging words.
See you next week!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I took yesterday off and spent the day with Jeremy. We vegged, went to Costco and generally took it easy. I had a great conversation with my boss on the phone yesterday and again today when I got back to the office. She's been through a miscarriage herself and told me a bit about their journey to have babes (she has three boys). It felt really good to have this chat and not break down. Score one for me.
While I am getting my shit together emotionally (for the most part - I still choke up when J checks in via phone and asks how I'm doing. Something about him not being by my side and that voice of his, it kills me every time) I am still very nervous for the actual miscarriage. I not even started spotting yet. I did spend most of the day nauseous and with other tummy troubles - but, I'll spare you the details. I'm not certain if I have a bug or if this is just the beginning of the end. I've tried drinking more water, I ate just in case I was hungry, nothin'. Even more than the physical pain is the emotional pain I fear. The realization that will hit all over again when the miscarriage actually starts.
I pray this goes smoothly. That it isn't long and drawn out. That I can get some peace.
My heart still aches when I think about what should have been. How unfair the whole world can be. But, I am working not to lose my hope. To focus on only to positives, no matter how much of a stretch they may be.
It's just one step at a time, one day at a time.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
One day you're picking out the crib your mom says she'd like to buy you as a gift. Two days later you're staring at your chart online wondering how on earth your betas could be cut in half in those same two days. You get that same cut-in-half feeling in your heart when you look up at your husband and tell him its officially over.
The same husband you've seen play with your niece and run around with your friends kids. Seen idolized by the neighbor boy. The same one that holds you now as your cry, while he holds back his own tears so that he can be strong for you.
It's not fair.
To hear the pity in the words of those that try to console you. To read the words of people with good intentions, but without the most vague understanding of what you're going through. Who's tone in their voice and written words sting more because you know they're trying to help, but really now you just feel more guilt that more people feel bad.
I do feel loved. Each of you that has reached out to us, the messages I've received about understanding what we're going through, the love and the prayers... Those do make a difference. Some break my heart because what we're going through is unfortunately common. I hate that so many others suffer too. I pray that Sprout is up there now looking after all of your babies yet to be born and coaching them from the stands.
I'm trying to take comfort in the fact we got pregnant at all. Trying to remind myself that Sprout wasn't healthy and this isn't a pregnancy or a child that would have been happy. That it isn't over for us and we can try again. And intellectually I understand all of those things. But it doesn't change the anger and the pain one bit.
All of this sucks.
The extra 4lbs I now have, of mostly bloat (I hope), and nothing to show for it.
My pizza face, which is now extra pizza like.
The cramping that started today.
Putting away the baby gift we received so that I don't have to see it sitting in what would have been the nursery.
Jeremy handing me the onesie I gave him the day we found out so that I can put it away too.
Telling our friends, who were so excited for us, that they're no longer going to be aunts and uncles.
Hearing my mom hold back her own tears so that she doesn't upset me further.
Going from celebrating with the other women you know that are also newly pregnant, to being scared of what it will be like to watch their healthy children grow and be born.
Putting away the sketches I'd made of nursery plans.
Not knowing what to do with the books on pregnancy I've been given. Do I keep them for 'someday' or give them back?
Looking at the anniversary card J gave me on Tuesday. The one addressed to Sweetpea +1. The same one where inside he wrote how excited he was to have our baby.
Being scared of what miscarrying will be like.
Thinking of how I will explain this to my boss.
I'm pissed and my heart is broken. I'm torn between wanting to give up for fear of ever having to feel this way again and not wanting to let whatever force in the universe it is that causes this pain win. But why me? What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? What did J do to have to suffer through all of this? Why us? Isn't there some crack head or woman on welfare that already has 14 kids you can pick on? We're good people. After 10 years we're closer than we've ever been and still madly in love. And even after only 7 weeks we loved our baby.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My beta was 8406.
It is over for us.
I am in a bit of a state of shock. I appreciate your prayers. I am trying to find solace in the fact that we got pregnant at all. We can do it. But for now I'm devastated. To go from the highest of highs to this is... well I can't quite describe it.
Now I get to call my mom. Disappointing your parents never stops hurting.
I have an update to give and I'm trying to stay positive while I give it.
After our little bleeding episode we had my blood checked to see whether or not I was RH-. We know from my last update that I am not. That was good news. The other information my nurse call to tell me was that they also ran my beta's again (I didn't know they were going to) and it was 14,100. The night before (about 12 hours earlier when we were in for the bleed) I was 14,600.
The nurse talked to me and said it could be a lot of things - a random swing in hormone levels, a vanishing twin, or miscarriage. Needless to say, I had a royal panic attack. I'm talking snotty ugly cry with a side of hyperventilation for good measure. Not my finest moment. Friday morning I had calmed down a good deal. All hope was certainly not lost and for Sprout's sake, I needed to stay positive.
Somehow I survived a (thankfully busy) work day and we decided to try to go into the doctors office a bit early and see if we could get fit in. They got us in right away. We did my vitals and she went to grab Doc Oc for an ultrasound. Feet in the stirrups, my old friend the Dildo Cam and I got familiar again.
Immediately Doc Oc saw what he thought were two sacs. As we continued to move around it appeared that the 'second sac' was more than likely not a sac, but a subchorionic hemorrhage. It most likely was caused by the implanting of the placenta. Unfortunately we couldn't tell if it was the 'second sac' we thought we saw or if it was blocking our view.
The first sac measured about 5 1/2 weeks. He mentioned that sac measurements are not the greatest to base gestation off of because they can vary so wildly. Unfortunately there wasn't anything else to see and measure. It was one of two things - 1. it is too early to see anything in which case I need to come back in a week - or 2. there isn't anything to see.
Doc Oc said that my beta rise was very classic and healthy and that the stall (the numbers didn't dip enough to be considered a drop) we saw isn't unheard of, especially in the vanishing twin scenario. But, unfortunately, that doesn't leave us with a conclusive answer. We decided to do another beta. I should have the results today.
If the numbers increase, my next u/s is 8/1. If they decline... well then we discuss next steps and a miscarriage.
Now, we're just waiting for the phone to ring. Again.
Jeremy and I are not typically the formal praying type, but last night as we laid down to sleep, we held hands, placed them on my tummy and prayed with Sprout. Prayed that he/she is in there growing and thriving. Should you have a prayer or positive thought, please send them Sprout's way.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Do you know how many of those little things I peed on before I got one to give me two lines? I've peed on a lot of things, let me tell you, but that was the best one yet.
Something did surprise me after getting our BFP, I have no desire to pee on anything else. While TTC I thought for sure I would want to rush out and get the Costco pack of pregnancy tests, a digital, and a supersized Sunny Delight, ala Juno and make a whole afternoon out of peeing on stick after stick. Nope. I peed on one and I'm happy as a clam.
I've digressed a bit, but for those that aren't first time visitors, you know that happens. A lot.
A bit about us for those that are new 'round these parts. Jeremy (Commonly 'J' on this blog) and I had our first date 10 years and 1 day ago. Fun fact, right? We were married 3 years and 2 days ago (even funner fact) and shortly after began our journey to spawn. Shortly after starting I knew things weren't right with my ladybits. Very irregular cycles, charting was a disaster, and my periods were very heavy and painful. That first year was the worst of the emotional roller coaster.
We saw Doc Oc (no, seriously, he looks like a dead ringer for the Spiderman villain) for just under a year before I was unceremoniously dumped. I was determined to be Clomid resistant (after about 4 cycles) and only sporadically responded to Femara. It was after that lovely little journey that J and I decided we needed a break. It was August 2010 and we decided we'd revisit this at the beginning of the year.
January came and went and we knew we still weren't ready to devote the time necessary to tackle TTC again. Besides, we were planning our Vacation Of A Lifetime. We agreed that when we returned home from that adventure, we would see a doctor at Seattle Reproductive Medicine, just as Doc Oc suggested.
Our trip was amazing. We spent 13 days exploring England and Ireland. Eating delicious food, drinking beer daily, making friends, and exploring the sights. We spent quality time together (except for the story about when I was driving in Ireland and we almost got divorced. word of advice: driving on the left side of the road will test the limits of your marriage. amen. good night.) and at the end of the two weeks we were nowhere near ready to come home.
Come home we did and the next week we met Dr. K and she was awesome. We talked in detail about PCOS, my history, what we'd tried, and developed a game plan that the three of us were comfortable with. Step One of this plan involved me getting on Metformin. The next week I dutifully started taking my meds. I was instructed to ramp up my dose each week until I was at the full dosage. Another piece of Infertile Wisdom - Met sucks. My tummy will never be the same, I'm sure of it.
My period 'should have arrived' (us PCOS folks know that is date not easily pinned down) on or about the first of July. That brings us to the Fourth of July. We'd made the rounds to see our family and had returned home. It was a work night for us, so I went upstairs and started getting cleaned up and ready for bed. I knew I had a pee stick under the sink and when you get the hankerin to pee on something, that's a hard vibe to shake.
My thoughts were 'I might as well use it up'. Use it up I did, not two minutes later there were two cute little pink lines.
I opened up the bathroom window and hollered into the backyard for Jeremy to get his butt upstairs that instant. He thought for sure I'd lost a limb or at least seen a spider. I will never forget the look on his face when I showed him that test and wished him a Happy 4th of July.
Feel free to peruse my past entries. If you have any questions for me, I would be more than happy to answer them. I recently came out of the proverbial blogger closet, so this is actually my first ICLW where you all get to 'meet me'. I'm a fairly open book, so if there is anything you want to know - just ask!
Welcome to ICLW everyone!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Jeremy walked in the door with flowers and a card so sweet that I cried like a babe. The name on the card... 'Sweetpea +1' I was a goner. That boy knows how to tug my strings.
After dinner our big plan involved nothing more than snuggling on the couch. Perfect, no?
I'm a smart girl and hit the potty first so that our snuggles wouldn't be interrupted by my pesky bladder. And that's when I wiped and saw red.
I gasped. I spotted once last week, but it was dark brown and minimal. It was not a ton of blood, not even enough to be on my underwear, but definitely streaks when I wiped. We immediately called and had the on-call doctor paged. 45 minutes later... (annoying!) she called and asked me to go to the local walk-in and have my blood drawn for another beta. That was all we could do at that point.
I had to wait until 8:00 this morning to get the results. Time moves so slowly when you're waiting for the phone to ring! Our number rose nicely and my nurse said to take it easy today and increase my water intake. She did ask that I drop by the clinic and do another blood draw to see if I was RH-. Apparently if you are, your body can build up antibodies that are harmful to the baby. I haven't done my research here yet, so I'm not entirely sure if I have it right. I will have those results in the morning. If I am, I only need to get a shot and all will be well.
I knew down deep that everything was alright, but my mind is a beast all its own. It certainly was not the way I wanted to spend my anniversary, but I am eternally grateful that everything is okay. Sprout is a tough little sea monkey and isn't going anywhere for a long while yet.
Thanks to those who saw my freak out on Twitter and sent your love and hugs. I appreciate your positivity!
It is hard to believe that this was only three years ago.
It feels like yesterday.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
We ate, hugged, laughed, played, ate, talked babies, ate, and spent one entire day at the beach! It was just what the doctor ordered. I mean, what is better than a sunny weekend with your girlfriends? Nada, that's what.
Things with me and Sprout (Oh yes, that's the babes name - FYI) are going swimmingly. I was given a few books to read up on our weekly progress and I am learning a ton. I feel like I was pretty 'expert' on all things Infertility, PCOS, and why my bits were broken, but pregnancy? I am clueless. If you know me, you know I am in full research mode because Clueless is not a town I enjoy living in.
I have had a few moments of quesy tummy and a bit of heartburn, but otherwise we're doing well. This Friday (I will be 7 weeks) is my first ultrasound with Doc Oc. I am really looking forward to some official confirmation. We plan to tell our Grandmas after that ultrasound. I'm very excited about that part. They're going to flip!
For those of you who have crossed over and have any advice, suggested reading material, good information on nutrition, etc - I am all ears!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
*My mind was focused on absolutely everything, except conception (if you say 'see, you just had to relax', I will still slap you)
Damnit if those people at Panda Express don't know it all.
I showed it to Jeremy and said, "Oh yeah, I'm keepin' this one."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thank you for always being there. For listening when I needed to vent, giving me motivation when I'd lost my way, empathizing when I needed someone to understand me, and mostly for providing me with tremendous support.
I have received SO many beautiful comments, emails, texts, and phone calls. Telling me that you've been praying for us, that our news made you cry with joy (even just typing that gets me all welled up again), sharing your well wishes, and giving up congratulations.
It has meant the world to Jeremy and I. I have shared each one with him. He's asked about your stories and been equally as touched as I have. We are very fortunate to have so many lovely individuals in our corner. We're blessed and want to thank you for the time you've spent pulling for us. For each time you've said a prayer or send us a positive vibe. I believe that the child we're expecting is a direct result of the cumulative positivity we've been so fortunate to experience.
We are forever grateful to have you to share this miracle with. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Friday, July 8, 2011
My quants went from 212 to 668! They didn't just double, they tripled! That is fantastic news and completely blew us away.
While it is far from conclusive the nurse did ask, 'Do twins run in your family?' ::blank stare:: (By the way, I have... 3rd cousins? that are twins, but that is as close as it gets for us.)
That will certainly give us something to think about between now and our ultrasound on July 22nd! Beta's are not exact science. I know that it isn't uncommon for them to triple one day and only increase by 50% the next, etc. But still, your mind can't help but wander!
Jeremy's response was fun when I called to tell him.
S= the nurse called! she said the number was great!
J= c'mon, what was it??
J= Holy SHIT! Hell yes!
I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. I love that man. I told him what the nurse asked about twins in our family and he said 'ohhhh....' I think that was too much too think about all at once.
Aside from you fabulous folks, we're holding off on telling everyone until at least August. The only exception is our parents. Both my mom and dad will find out today and J's parents are going to be told on Monday when we have dinner with them.
For now? I am going to finish up working for the day and just ENJOY it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
There are no guarantees in this life, but at this moment Jeremy and I are experiencing something I wasn’t sure we would ever see – pregnancy.
I don’t feel too much different, apart from the gas and sore boobs of course, but my world has changed this week. I am reserving my freak-out, jump up and down, excitement for Friday when we get the results of our second beta. But folks – I went and got myself knocked up.
There is a lot to be thankful for today.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
hCG = 212 mIU/ml
She said the ‘normal’ range (this varies greatly) for someone in their 4th week is about 50-425.
The number is not the important piece. It is how that number performs over the next 48 hours. The goal is that number should double (increase by at least 66%) in 48 hours. My fingers (eyes, toes, feet, legs, arms, etc) are crossed for doubling. Goal = 450. C’mon sweet little embryo, we can do this!
While she doesn’t give out definitive congratulations or regrets, she did say that she sure hopes I am taking my prenatal vitamins and drinking plenty of water! She was also able to get me tentatively scheduled for an early ultrasound on Friday, July 22nd. Originally I was going to have to wait until mid-August!
J and I have decided to wait to tell our parents until after the next blood test comes back. We’re going to Eastern Washington this weekend to visit my dad for his birthday, and I cannot think of a better gift.
48 hours from now we’ll have the results of the second blood draw. This is all very exciting and very scary. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I was so excited at first, I forgot the title!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday morning I had written up a post. I was excited to get it out, but I wanted it to be right. So I set it aside until later in the day when I’d have more time. It was my ‘coming out of the closet’ post. You get to meet me! You can find that post here.
The day progressed on and I didn’t get the time to finish up. What I did get the time for, is this:
That is when I hollered for J, hyperventilated, cried, we hugged, I cried, called a dear dear friend, cried (catching on to the theme here??) – wash, rinse, repeat.
Needless to say we were (still are!) stunned. I am getting a blood draw after work today (will this day never end??), so we are still, and will be for awhile I’m sure, in the ‘cautiously optimistic’ phase.
I’m sorry to drop this bomb and run, but I will leave you with a few thoughts in bullet form (complete sentences aren’t really on my plate today).
I cannot tell if my ‘yuckiness’ is Metformin, nerves, or baby (AHHH!) related
This is an excellent conundrum
My friends are amazing. To have that close circle to confide in yesterday was something I will never forget in my life. To have people understand the complex emotions that goes into that moment. Priceless.
I’ve been living the past 10ish (waking) hours as a completely surely out-of-body experience
We have not told our families, we're waiting for the blood test to confirm. That means you kids are LUCKY!
We won't start telling the general population until about 12 weeks. We'll see.
I honestly wasn’t sure this would ever happen
I’m deliriously, albeit cautiously, overjoyed
We are living one moment at a time.
For this moment, I’m pregnant.
Thank you in advance for your positive thoughts and prayers. I understand the conflicting sting this brings and I want you to know I appreciate your prayers and love. Love and hugs to each of you.
Monday, July 4, 2011
On a number of occasions I have called this blog my safe place. That the anonymous factor helped me bare all. Except for baring who I really am. And can I really bare all if I'm making exceptions? I've been worried about picking back up with the appointments and losing who I am again. How can I lose myself around here when 'myself' hasn't even been a part of this blog?
I don't know where I came across this saying and normally I like giving credit where credit is due, but this time we'll just have to appreciate it for what it is. I've been saving it for this occasion:
By not putting my face on our infertility struggle, I'm allowing it to continue to control me. I need to own that this is part of my life in order to take the control back.
In my case I need to own that this is part of my life in order to not lose the control again.
There are a number of brave women out there to talk about all the details and are brave enough to do that with a face. You've been an inspiration to me. Whatever conscious/subconscious part of our struggle with infertility that kept me in hiding, has to go. I believe that this is a critical part of the process for me.
Without further ado...
Hi, my name is Sarah and that handsome fella is my husband Jeremy.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Considering I never had a symptom for any of the other drugs I've taken, the Met is making up for lost time. My tummy is never happy, and it ranges from very mild to a raging gurgling hotbed of angriness. I am dealing with some serious bloat now that I'm up to three pills and I'm late.
Since I am so late in my cycle it gets harder to determine if the 'off' feelings are the meds, or just PMS. My boobs have been crazy sore for about a week, which is pretty normal, but is it worse than usual because of the Met? Things are never 'normal' as any one of you with PCOS undertands, so who knows....
Fingers are still crossed for the late period, or obviously no period at all!
Happy 4th of July weekend everyone!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
So, why the *?
I do still feel that something missing. I am truly happy, but I recognize that I'm not at my full potential. I have more to give. My backyard is too quiet.
Last summer this was debilitating. That black hole was all I could focus on. I basically lost a summer, really at least a year, of my life. I barely remember at all what we did and I know our summer was jam packed. I wasn't present and I didn't enjoy it. Now, I am happy and the idea I could be happier just makes the future brighter. Gives me something to hope for, a future that feels brighter and gives me something to look forward to.
I won't lie, it feels pretty great to be me again. Sure, there are still things I would change, unfulfilled dreams still needing to be realized... but I'm me. Enjoying time with my husband. Appreciating a beautiful day. Playing with our cute pups.
It may not be much, but it's mine and I'm loving it.
P.S. Last night I had a dream that J and I adopted a child. We basically just picked one out and magically he was ours. I remember J snuggling that bundle on the playground while our friends and their children played around him. He had chubby cheeks and his name was Owen.
Friday, July 1, 2011
July is when J and I get down to business. As soon as you arrive, I go in for my baseline ultrasound and we get this show on the road. Today is CD29.
Here's the thing, if you show up in the next couple of days, this month is a bust. Why? Because two weeks from now (i.e. when I would be ovulating) I am in the sunny state of California for four lovely days and it will make an IUI a liiiiittle tricky.
That means that I need you to take your damn time getting here, or of course to take the next year off while I bake my adorable child. I'm cool either way, but damnit AF, if you show up in the next handful of days (the earliest you would have shown in quite awhile), I'm going to be sooo pissed at you. I will even put up with these sore boobies for a whole other week if you just hold the damn phone.
My patience is thin enough without you jumping up and down on it.
Love and kisses,
Glad we got that settled.