I have worked very hard on myself this year. I am proud of where I came from and that I can sit here, on this gorgeous summer day, and say that I am happy*. Enjoying the sunshine, with my husband by my side reading in the backyard, while the dogs pant because they've been wrestling and chasing the Frisbee.
So, why the *?
I do still feel that something missing. I am truly happy, but I recognize that I'm not at my full potential. I have more to give. My backyard is too quiet.
Last summer this was debilitating. That black hole was all I could focus on. I basically lost a summer, really at least a year, of my life. I barely remember at all what we did and I know our summer was jam packed. I wasn't present and I didn't enjoy it. Now, I am happy and the idea I could be happier just makes the future brighter. Gives me something to hope for, a future that feels brighter and gives me something to look forward to.
I won't lie, it feels pretty great to be me again. Sure, there are still things I would change, unfulfilled dreams still needing to be realized... but I'm me. Enjoying time with my husband. Appreciating a beautiful day. Playing with our cute pups.
It may not be much, but it's mine and I'm loving it.
P.S. Last night I had a dream that J and I adopted a child. We basically just picked one out and magically he was ours. I remember J snuggling that bundle on the playground while our friends and their children played around him. He had chubby cheeks and his name was Owen.