Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Taking the meds has been fairly uneventful the last two months. I haven't had any crazy side affects and I appear to be ovulating. All good things, no denying that. Why is it then the first thing I think of is that it is an extra kick to the ladybits when AF arrived? 'What!? But I'm a functioning reproductive woman now! What is it this time!?' Why is it that I neglect to remember (or care?) that these things take time. You know how everyone says that it will take even a 'healthy' couple up to a year to conceive? Well damnit, I don't want to wait another year!
So much for my hard learned lesson in patience...
I think I may have a sit down with my mom. Now for those that don't know her in the real world, be jealous. She is probably the greatest mom on the face of this here earth. She is one of those strong, selfless, single mother types. You know, the kind that keeps the world on its axis with one hand and defends the innocent against all evil with the other. Well, I haven't told her a peep about this. For the longest time I wanted this to be a wonderful surprise. I didn't want to give her something else to worry about. She wants to be a grandmother and I want to give that to her.
However, it has almost been a year and a half. Now instead of feeling like I'm preparing for a big surprise, I feel like I'm hiding a rather large part of my life from her. To top it off, I have no idea what my family history is like. Did she or my grandmother have trouble conceiving? I know that my grandmother, mother, and aunt have all had to have hysterectomies and they were not by choice. That freaks me out, not going to lie. Maybe there is something more for me to learn. I think I will wait until the end of this cycle. Hold out hope for one more potential month. Then when I head back to the doc to discuss next steps, I will fill her in. Oh boy am I not looking forward to that conversation. Mental note: bring the Kleenex.
Thanks for hanging in there, here we go again.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I have the most amazing friends and family. My friends, for real and e-friends, are always there for me when I need an ear. This year has certainly had its challenges and I am forever grateful that I haven't had to face this journey alone. My friends make me laugh. Boy what a release laughter is. This year I have truly had FUN. I feel like I have lived and had adventures and been able to reconnect with a part of myself that had been stagnant for awhile. Friends are the family that you choose. Well if I must say so myself, I have good taste.
My family... They are my biggest supporters. I cannot tell you the confidence and love I feel from having the greatest cheering section on the planet. Now, not all (or any of my family for that matter...) of my family and friends know of our current child-making attempts. However, we are still trying to live our lives. Plan for our future, save money, etc. I am forever grateful knowing that the people in my life are there to support me, no matter what. I think I'm finally ready to sit down and talk to my Mom about all of this... but that's a post for another day.
My health. Other than our issues, or my issues I suppose, with infertility I am otherwise very healthy. I've been slacking on the losing weight thing the last few weeks (damn holiday treats!), but overall I feel better than I have in years. I love it when my husband wraps his arms around me and calls my skinny (Ha. I wish) or a friend I haven't seen in awhile tells me how great I'm looking these days. Who wouldn't!? But more than that, I love how I feel. I have energy and feel stronger. I feel more in control and that's invaluable. It motivates me to know that I'm not even 'there' yet! I have more good feelings and energy awaiting me (if I can stick to my gym routine that is!). I think 2010 is my year to finally get it done.
Last, but never least, is my husband. J is without a doubt the most amazing part of my life. Without him I have no idea where I would be. It's a corny cliche, but he makes me want to be a better person. I do what I do every day because I want him to be proud of me. He challenges me to push myself a little further than I thought I could. He supports my decisions (even when he can't make them himself, lol - men!!) and holds my hand through the tough stuff. We've been on an emotional roller coaster this year. We've been brought closer and been pushed further away in other relationships in our life, but ours has done nothing but grow. Getting married after 7 years of dating and you think you know just about all there is to know about a person. Well, boy was I wrong. That man amazes me every day. I've had the privilege of doing most of my 'growing up' with J and I am so profoundly proud of the man he is today and simply honored to be his wife. The idea of him becoming a father is what keeps me on the TTC path. Some days 'I love you' just doesn't quite seem to cut it. He's one of the few good ones.
I hope that your Christmas is spent with those you love. That those who have enriched your life know just how much you love and appreciate them. It is my Christmas wish that all of you have joy, love, health and happiness in 2010.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Why do I do that to myself each month? Make these plans? Build up these expectations? You'd think I'd have learned by now. But, no.
I've made wishes on the first star of the night.
I've wished on clock patterns (something silly I've done since I was a kid).
Blown out birthday candles.
Held my breath in tunnels.
Crossed my fingers.
And I only put one thing on my Christmas list.
Maybe next year...
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I know that I am not the only one that (sometimes obsessively) uses a search engine like Google to solve any and all of our daily quandaries. There is a search bar, you type your word or phrase, and miraculously there are thousands of potential sites that will assist you with your query.
Well, not only will Swagbucks do the same, but you get paid to do it! You can earn Swagbucks and put them towards gift cards and other prizes. You get Swagbucks for referring other people too. Can't hurt to try it, right?
You really should check it out. Especially if you're like me and you love free stuff! lol
Monday, December 14, 2009
Hurry up 2WW, hurry UP!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
My current dilemma is figuring out what to wear! Most of my nice clothes are warmer weather stuff. How can a girl have a closet STUFFED with clothes and not a single thing to wear?
I hope you all are having a good weekend too!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
These recent loses have impacted me much more than I thought they would or could. More than through the rest of my IF experience, I'm scared. I haven't always handled our current struggles as well as I think I could have and it is always a learning experience. However, I'm not sure that I could handle what these women have been subjected to. I want to stay home, snuggle with my lovely husband and just cry for their loss. How they manage to function on a daily basis is admirable. They are so strong. I honestly do not think I would handle it a fraction as well as they have. What if after this long road, we lose what we've tried, prayed and dreamed so hard for?
You ladies are inspiring.
Jillian, thank you for looking out over all of us. We are grateful for your guidance and grace.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
When I took the test I was really tired. I had a busy day, been to the gym, walked the dog, etc. I was beat. J and I joked before I took the test that today would be the day I'd get a positive because the last thing I felt like doing was rolling around in the sheets. Sure enough! Boy did I perk up in a hurry. "We get to do it!!?" Was J's reaction. lol
Monday was my first day in a long time, probably almost a year, where I had serious EWCM. Gobs of it! (Lovely, I know.)
Needless to say it was a couple of very exciting evenings for me. Granted there is never any guarantees, but I feel like we are finally making progress. Two positive steps, two days in a row.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Well, because my face is currently behaving like a pubescent junior high boy, I figure I may as well act that way too. So, Face, until you shape up and decide that my entire chin does not need to look like a mountain range on a topographical map, we will not be speaking. I have fun plans today and if you don't at least comply with my attempts to cover you with makeup, I may just lop my entire head off.
Thank you in advance for your compliance.
Friday, December 4, 2009
This month is pretty much the same. Except I've notice the last couple days I took it I've been sensitive, needy and a little emotional. I remember a phase like this early last month, but I didn't attribute it to the meds. Perhaps thats my side affect?
Note to Clomid: Although I don't feel you, I hope you're working down there!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It all started back in August. It was a busy month, especially with J hurting himself (Chainsaw Disaster 2009). Because we were not able to accomplish a lot, we pushed everything off until September. Well, September came and we addressed most of the things we'd put off, but had to push September's tasks on to October, etc, etc. Now as you can see it is December. Officially the "Holiday Season". Thankfully our downstairs is pretty much finished and we're basically caught up.
As things pop up in the future (incoming birthday party, bridal shower invites, etc) I add them to my planner. Either I write them in or add a brightly colored post-it. I don't typically pay too much attention to what's going on, except to make sure we're not already busy, until that month is actually upon us. So, I was feeling much better until I opened up my trusty planner this morning to 'December'.
We are basically booked solid until February. Yup, you read that right. We have plans every single weekend until the last weekend in January. The only exception to this rule is Christmas weekend. The only reason we don't have plans then is because my Mom's 50th is coming up and we haven't nailed down our exact plan.
This weekend we have a tree-lighting ceremony in the mountains on Saturday (overnight) and I have a bridal shower to attend on Sunday. Next weekend - Saturday we're getting a Christmas tree, attending a first birthday party, and it is girls night (I'm uber stoked about this!), and Sunday we've got to prep the house (ie - decorate and clean like crazy) because the following weekend is our Christmas party! That leads us to the two holiday weekends, then a wedding, and two weekends in a row that we'll be away.
Thankfully all of the stuff we have planned is fun. We're spending good quality time with our friends and family. However, it did make my eyes roll back in my head to be hit in the face with it like that.
I really hope that everyone else has a holiday season planned filled with fun, family, and friends.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I am a proud recipient of the 'One Lovely Blog Award'. The fact that this is from a reader and dear friend makes it a special one. Thanks, Buck!
To accept this award: Post it on your blog together with the name of the Person who granted and his or her link. Pass the Award to 5 other blogs that you newly discovered & remember to contact them and let them know.
I'll admit I changed the rules. It's my award, I can decide! You were supposed to pick 15 blogs, but I really wanted to nominate 5 special ones! I love all of the blogs I read and follow. I know that my blog is very therapeutic for me, even if no one read it at all. It does make it a little extra sweet to know that there are others out there like me in this notsolittle blog community. These 5 are the blogs that have inspired and taught me. I look forward to reading their blogs and following their stories.
4. Rachel Even though you're a blog-slacker right now! lol
(Note: I'm not sure why I never posted this, it's a few weeks old! Sorry, B!)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I asked him about my two pink OPK lines that were not a positive. I said that it was appropriately timed, but I never got an actual positive test. He said that it is not entirely uncommon to miss the surge and to call next month if I have no inclination whatsoever that I'm ovulating (chart or OPK).
I am equal parts relieved and frustrated. Relieved that nothing is 'wrong', but still frustrated that there are no difinative answers. I know that there never will be, but it doesn't make it any easier. Back to hump-and-pray. Perhaps I should track down a mall Santa and make my Christmas wish?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Today started with spotting, dark brown and annoying and I should have known. Except the strange absence of ALL other typical PMS symptoms. Perhaps my Clomid side affects are actually lack of symptoms? Hell, I am making shit up now... I have NO UNGODLY IDEA what is going on between my legs. I got nothin'.
Now I have my next appointment. The one the doc wanted me to schedule between CD1-5. It is this Friday (happy black friday to me.) at 1:30. The nurse is calling me back to tell me what to prep for, but I do know there will be an internal and potentially an ultrasound. An internal while I'm on my period. Can this get any more awful!? (Universe: that was NOT a challenge. You understand me!?) Oh yes, I still get to tell my husband that his Friday off will not be spent smiling at our black Friday discounted Dyson while he drifts into a turkey induced coma...
I'm going to drag my cranky ass to the gym. If I'm not ever going to get knocked up, than I might as well be hotter than hell along with being barren.
**edit: nurse just called (she's prompt!) and the only 'internal' exam with be the vaginal ultrasound probe. Still doesn't sound fun to me.**
Why oh why do I insist on torturing myself!?
All I am asking Santa for this Christmas is a Ute that works properly and provides me with easy to read charts. That's not too much to ask, right? Until then you can find me pouting in the corner.
Monday, November 23, 2009
1. Turkey or Ham? It is called 'Turkey Day' for a reason. Turkey of course!
2. Favorite side dish. Mashed Potatoes. ::droooool::
3. Favorite dessert. Pumpkin and/or Apple Pie.
4. Black Friday: Are you going or not? We usually do not, but I am this year!
5. If so, what's on the top of your list? I'm getting a Dyson for Christmas! WOOT!
6. Going out of town or staying close to home? Staying close.
7. Hosting or helping? Hosting!
8. Name one family tradition at Thanksgiving. Eat WAY too much, fall asleep early...
9. What do you do after dinner? Sleep, veg with family.
10. What are you most thankful for this year? My husband. This year has had its ups and downs, but he's the best part of me.
Your turn! Post a comment so that I can scope out your answers!
It was decided Friday that we'll be hosting Thanksgiving, so I've got a TON to do this week. However, last night I tested a new very simple stuffing recipe and it turned out SO good. I am excited to ditch the boxed stuff, no matter what my IL's have to say about it!
1. Clean the ENTIRE house top to bottom (it's baaaaaaaad.)
2. Make pie crust tonight
3. Gym today and Wednesday
Those are my top priorities for now. I'm excited for Turkey Day!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Starting weight (brace yourself, I hate 'saying it out loud') = 198
Goal = 175
This week J and I talked and we're going to get back on track with eating at home and not being lazy and actually cooking good meals. No more with the 'I don't feel like it, how about burritos' mentality. Since I left off last time I've gained about 3lbs. Not bad, but not the right direction either.
So, I will update soon with my measurements (I want them first thing in the AM so they're consistent) and then it's game time! First trip to the gym tomorrow and the trainer on Monday. Yes, I am terrified of meeting the trainer.
I picked 175 to be my first goal because it will mean that I will weigh less than J. By 5 lbs. I hope that by the end of winter I have met my goal. Scratch that. By the end of winter I WILL have met my goal. Much better.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I know, I know, Whistler in April is worlds away from Cancun. Before you go and think I'm any crazier than I'm sure you already do, check this out:
WARNING: AWESOMENESS OVERLOAD
We are going to travel with two other couples for a full week and that, my dear friends, is where we will be staying. How fricken cool is that!? The place is gorgeous. Our own hot tub, barbeque, great views, and the best part - it is ski-in/ski-out.
The only downside to the whole trip is having to wait 5 months before we go. Giddy doesn't quite capture my current level of excitement.
I have been testing with OPK's and am really bad at holding it for four hours and not drinking fluids. It is because of this that I believe my test line was not dark than the control. Saturday (11/14) I had a very very faint pink line. Sunday there was a distinct pink line, but it was not darker than the very dark control. However I'd been working around the house all morning and afternoon and drank tons of water, which of course is supposed to dilute you LH levels... I counted it as negative on my chart and made note of it.
The other factor is my CM. Since the start CM has always been hit/miss for me. NOT this month. This month I'm a lube factory. lol - TMI, I know.
All I know for sure is that so far we've 'canvased the area', so if I did O at all we put forth our best efforts. ;) The signs aren't certain, even with meds. I'm left here to wonder for another couple of weeks.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
While the IF process has been a difficult one, I came to an important realization this morning. This last year I have gotten quite a lot accomplished. And not just from what I've learned about TTC, IF, my body, etc. The little ray of hope (which started out a big ray last year, but now it's just a little guy) I have each month has been such a motivator for me to live my life. So often we get these 'someday I'll do _____' thoughts and never get around to it. What our months of unsuccessful TTC have gotten us is actually quite a lot. Especially these last few months. We're going out downtown on a whim with our friends, I'm having girls night out, spending a little money fixing up our downstairs, taking small trips, etc. It's not that once we have kids we won't be able to do these things, but they certainly won't be as easy, and I'm guessing there will be very little 'whim' for quite awhile.
Essentially the thought that 'this could be our last childless month' has driven us. We've been strong armed to living in the moment. Instead of putting things off, we're saying 'What the hell!' and going for it. For example, today is the start of opening weekend for Ski/Snowboard season at our favorite mountain. Not only are they opening, and opening early I might add, but they are calling this the best opening conditions in decades. Clearly I'm not knocked up yet, so guess who is going to go? ME! Had we been successful in conceiving at all in the last year, I can almost guarantee I would miss it. Now, let's be clear, I am not saying I would trade conception of our child for a (albeit KICK ASS) trip down a mountain on top of my trusty snowboard, but damnit it is not the worst conciliation prize.
At the beginning of our journey TTC was all I could think about and it pretty much consumed my life. This living life to the fullest thing didn't come quick or easy. However, I think I am finally to a place where I'm making the most of it. So for now I am going to hit the mountain, have a glass of wine at the lodge, and continue spending some Grade-A quality time with my friends and husband. And you know what? If these meds do their job and I actually ovulate for once, perhaps this trip to the mountains will be remembered for a bit more than it's fresh powder.
When I write about our IF journey here, or talk about our situation with the 2 friends that know about it, sometimes I honestly feel like I'm talking about someone else’s life. I don't think of J and I as 'struggling with infertility', but we are. It's been a year, we've not conceived, I've been diagnosed with PCOS... It's like the first year struggles are hazing for the exclusive IF Club.
Maybe it is my denial that intellectually understands these concepts and is emotionally conscious of when they apply to other people, but cannot apply them to myself? It's not that I'm feeling above others and their suffering, but sometimes I feel guilty talking about my own strife when others have suffered so much more than me and J.
Those women who've gone years or even decades without ever conceiving, who have been able to conceive but had the heartbreak of not carrying their baby to term... those women have truly seen the suffering and heartbreak that I think most folks immediately attribute to IF, and that sometimes makes me feel like I've got not a problem in the world. That we haven't suffered enough to call what we are going through infertility. That we haven’t ‘earned our stripes’. I suppose there is a good and a bad side to that. It makes me appreciate that my situation could be more severe (knock on wood) and to be thankful for the things that I do have. On the flip side, am I doing myself damage to not acknowledge my own unique situation? Perhaps I am suffering from avoidance right along with infertility?
Don't get me wrong. This year has been HARD. It has been emotionally draining. It has forced to look at my life and evaluate everything in my world. My hopes have been up and been dashed more times than I can count. I've dealt with every aspect of the emotional spectrum. Joy at the start of this journey with the man I love, jealousy of what other have, shame that I haven't been able to give my husband what he deserves or the grandchild my mother so desires, disappointment at yet another late period/negative test/early period/ negative opks, etc, and probably the biggest for me is frustration - there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.
Most of what has gotten me through is my amazing husband and the equally wonderful women I have come to know and love on the internet. They get it. It does bring me comfort to know I'm not the only one out there that feels like this really cannot be my life I'm talking about.
Monday, November 9, 2009
One of my employees has been put through the ringer the last few months. In August she started feeling stressed. Her daughter is a Senior in high school so she is worried about all the expense this year will bring (she's a single mom), the stress of applying to college, etc. She found out that she has a disease and this disease is causing her to lose some of her hair. She met up with her father for the first time in 10 years. Fighting with her mom... Just lots of drama in her life. She is typically such a strong woman that it was very strange to see her go through such a weak and vulnerable time.
For whatever reason one day she confided in me. I don't know if she just thought I should be aware so that her job/performance wouldn't be put in jeopardy, but she talked to me. I had no idea that she had been suffering, just that she was a more muted version of her typically animated self. After a few weeks of her trying to 'deal' with all of this on her own I sat her down and chatted with her again. We talked about the Employee Assistance Program we offer here at work. She'd have free access to a family counselor and somone to chat with. She did NOT like that idea at first. She thought of it as defeat. Boy am I happy that she changed her mind.
After speaking with a pro she decided to take a week off. She met with a therapist four days that week. She got meds and straightened things up at home. She's been back in the office for a couple of weeks now and there is such an improvement! I didn't think much of my involvement in this process until today. She caught me in the restroom (where all important woman-to-woman chats occur, of course) and told me that she'd reconnected with her mom. That she is feeling SO much better and although she's still sensitive, she is feeling on the mend. She thanked me for giving her the push she needed to seek help. And for being there for her when she didn't feel like anyone else was. That she was grateful to have me as her boss.
I cannot tell you what that means to me here. So often I feel like an after-thought, or bored, unnecessary, floundering. But today I got to feel like perhaps my job is a bit more than reporting, scheduling, performance reviews, quality audits, and product development projects. I got to make a difference to just one person. A person that I admire. For today at least, that makes all of the other crap worth it.
Friday, November 6, 2009
We, meaning I, had a couple of drinks and then spent and hour and a half in Target. We looked at books and rummaged through the clearance Halloween leftovers. OMG the things we tried on. I don't think I've laughed that hard in weeks! There may or may not be photographic evidence of our escapades. If you're good maybe I'll share. :)
We had pretty much a great non-stop conversation. I shared with her the cliff notes version of our TTC journey, which is a big deal for me, and she was a great listener. It just felt natural to tell her.
Yes, I'm still upset with the universe, but when am I not? I am excited to have a new friend back and I look forward to getting to know each other again. We did EVERYTHING together in high school, maybe this will be our month and we can do this together too.
Through the miracle of Facebook we've been catching up. She's married now and her husband has two kids, one of which has special needs. I really admire her for stepping into such a challenging situation and embracing it. I think this situation is especially admirable because she was always one that didn't want kids of her own. Even when we've been catching up the last few months shes said that maybe she'd consider having kids of her own someday, but now - NO WAY.
Well, guess who's knocked up?? H. I found out this morning and I'm irritated. Not with her necessarily, but the universe. She is happily married, owns a home, works from said home, so she is definitely prepared in terms of her life situation. But she didn't want children. Why is it that those that don't want something always have the easiest time getting it? Why does someone who wants something so badly get denied over and over? The world isn't fair. I've always known this, but for some reason (perhaps the reason being every woman I know of child bearing age was/is pregnant this year), I'm just having a hard time with this.
I'm not a completely evil being. Down deep I really am happy for them. I am always happy for my friends when these wonderful life changes happen. 90-95% of me gets excited and is filled with joy for my friends happiness. Why is it that then the other 5-10% is upset? When did I become cool enough to end up on the VIP list for every pity party in town? I've got to shake this. This is not about me. I've got 12 hours to get over myself and walk into that restaurant all smiles and congratulations. Especially since this is the first time in almost 6 years that I've seen her. I really don't want us to get off on the wrong foot.
Perhaps I will come tonight with a small gift in tow. Her birthday is tomorrow after all. That might help me fake-it-til-I-make-it, no?
Universe, I will deal with you later. Tonight is a girls night out and you're not invited.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Yesterday evening I was definitely having a 'moment'. Not a breakdown or anything, but just this feeling of being overwhelmed. Work has been insane. A couple of decent sized projects, lots of administrative type work (schedules, reports, etc), and I swear every single one of my employees is a needy bitch right now. All kinds of petty drama. Basically I 'work' 4 hours a day and babysit the other 4.
I have survived these times before because when I get home it is the sweet relief of leaving it all behind me. Unfortunately our social calendar has been stuffed full (I'm really not complaining about that part) so we've not been able to get anything done around the house. My house is a MESS. I'm fairly certain it's been three weeks since we touched the vacuum. Last weeks clean laundry still hasn't been folded and put away. We've been working on fixing up our downstairs so there is extra crap EVERYWHERE (we got a new bookcase so the old one is just chillin' in the corner). And since we've spent a little more than we'd originally planned, money is tight until we get our rent check. I've barely spent any time online at all, let alone on my beloved BOTB. Basically I feel like my at home world is chaos too. Because we're so busy I'm not cooking the well balanced meals I was before, so I get an extra slap in the face when I step on the scale... See why I'm spinning yet? I could definitely keep going, but I think you get the gist. Things are a little hectic right now and to salt my wounds I've gain 5lbs. Stupid f'ing Halloween candy.
Last night J and I had an excellent vent session. I got it all out. My plan of attack came this morning in the form of a checklist for work. I've been running and attending so many meetings that I feel like things are falling off my typically well balanced plate. Now I'm writing everything down. It's a damn long list, but I feel good about the things I've already been able to check off today. Thankfully I have 1 meeting, so I should be able to plow through a ton more.
Tonight when I get home the first thing I will do (maybe even in my vanpool on the way home...) is make a checklist for there too. Chores, projects, stuff we still need to finish the downstairs, separate grocery/Costco lists, tabs for the truck, etc.
The final step in my plan is that I MUST start exercising regularly. I feel like a fat, lazy, sloth these days. Eating better will improve that, but I will never meet my goals and feel good about myself if I don't get my butt moving. I thought I could do it outside of the gym, but I am beginning to think I was kidding myself. I chatted with a friend that I carpool with and I think she and I are going to go after work and do it together! It will be so much easier having a buddy to hold me accountable. My good pal R and I used to do this when we were prepping for our weddings and it worked really well. Now, I don't know that my carpool buddy will call me a cow like R did when I start to bail, but hopefully I can still manage. Just the thought of getting in a yoga class here and there eases my tension a bit.
Sorry this is so long, I didn't start out with that intention. These moments come and go, but there is really something to be said for addressing it early and getting organized. I'm still feeling busy and pressured today, but not nearly the anxiety of yesterday. Here's to me sticking to my plan! Speaking of plans - today is day 1 of Clomid. More to come on that later.
Now my only break for the day is over, time for me to dive back in.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Yesterday started as a very productive day. We've been working on making over our downstairs and things are coming together nicely. Freshly painted walls, new art, new desk fully assembled (it is our tv room/den), etc. My Mother-in-law saved the day and came by to pick up the dog and give him a good walk. We've been so busy that poor Harley has been neglected the past couple of weeks. After they walked 5 miles she came back and while we finished up she made us dinner! I was thrilled not to have to cook.
About 10 minutes before I sat down to dinner I thought I was going to vomit or shit myself. Yes, I'd been drinking the night before (Halloween), but not in that much excess to be sick 18 hours later. I went upstairs and realized I'd started. It was game on after that. I was cramping really bad so I strapped on the heating pad. I made it through dinner and then MIL left and I snuggled up with J to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. I was miserable. Cramps were getting worse and worse. A hot shower didn't help and the heating pad wasn't doing anything. I laid down in bed and 15 minutes later I was in tears. J wasn't sure what to do. Boy he tried though. He fetched ibuprofen, water, and dished out the forehead kisses until I was able to fall asleep.
Thankfully, I slept like the dead. The weird thing was I had period dreams all night. Not just period induced psychosis, but actually dreams about my period. Being out in public with stained pants, buying tampons, etc. It was bizarre. I must have gotten it out of my system though, because I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I was crampy a couple of times today, but nothing out of the norm.
Anyone that has taken progesterone, did you have a similar experience? I'm wondering if the medication had anything to do with it. I can, without a doubt, say that was top 3 worst starts ever. I'm okay with that being a one-time deal.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Prior to my 8 years of BC my PMS symptoms were generally just cramps and moodiness. Post BC, and especially the last couple of months, my boobs f'ing HURT. When I run up my stairs, I hold myself tight against my chest (I thought you might like that visual. ;) lol), when J tries to feel me up I smack him, and they even ache if I walk too fast. It sucks. I'm late again this month so it has been more than a week since this has started. Screw you boobies. There is nothing fun about these funbags, I hate you.
Now, on a brighter note, tomorrow is HALLOWEEN! We are going to a friends chili cookoff in the afternoon and then to a Halloween party in the evening. It is going to be a blast! A fun filled day with friends, tasty food, and a plethora a adult beverage.
I hope you have a happy and safe Halloween!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
J and I had a good visit with the new doctor. We talked a lot about our experiences with charting and OPK's. The pro's and con's of each and how we'll want to use them going forward. He explained how my body should be working and how it is currently malfunctioning (my word, not his). We talked about different medications, their use, and which he thought would be best for me. Once we figured that part out we talked game plan. Here's the gist:
I am currently taking progesterone for 10days, or until my period starts, whichever is first. CD's 5-9 I will take 50mg of Clomid. Day's 16-24 (I believe... I left my directions at home! lol) I will be back on the progestrone. If I get knocked up, great! If not, then he wants to see me back in for an ultrasound sometime between CD1-5 (early December). He'll check for any cysts, blockages, and/or tumors. Should that come back good we'll continue with the Clomid for another two cycles. If we're not successful within the first three months (and there was nothing alarming like tumors, etc) we'll check in again. J will get a SA at that point. We'd probably go another 3 months with the potential for mid-cycle check ins (for ultrasounds) and more monitoring.
During this first month my only monitoring will be to use the OPK's and Charting. OPK's to best time intercourse and charting to be reassured that I did actually ovulate.
So, that's the gameplan! I actually feel much better to have that behind me. Our doctor did a good job giving us the facts, but still reassuring us that this is fairly common, that we're otherwise healthy, and most importantly he was confident that we could fix it.
Summer 2010 baby? Sounds like a good plan to me. :)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Cycle info for the last 13 months
List of questions
Those are the big three. Let's see if another sick day tomorrow will cause me desperation and boredom enough to pull it all together.
T-minus 4 days. ::deep breath::
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Jeremy is taking phenomenal care of me. He even made a special trip to the store for my favorite tea. He's running around and every time I try and do anything myself he jumps up and says 'let me do that for you!' I don't know if this is his sweet way of paying me back for caring for him while he was a minced up chainsaw victim, or if he's just not wanting me and my germs infecting the whole house. I'm going with mostly the former with a dash of the latter.
I'm back to snuggling in with my tea and watching MORE television. I am SO tired of tv... If you see the sandman, please send him my way. I would love to be able to sleep.
Since I cannot sleep anymore, I'm back to BOTB to pass the time and avoid bad daytime television.
This afternoon - the doctor.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
This time tomorrow I hope to be having dinner with my husband and celebrating my passing score with a glass of wine or two. Only a couple though because Saturday we're off to Leavenworth! That's Leavenworth, WA for those of you who thought I might be off doing time. Leavenworth is a Bavarian village in the mountains. We're going there with a group of friends for OKTOBERFEST! I'm stoked. Yummy food, shopping, and BEER!
It'll be a busy month, but we're finally getting to the good part!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Well, I manage a service department. I'm also in charge or our departments "Fun Committee" as we've named ourself. We organize the holiday party and other small events throughout the year. Our BIG event is CS Week. Instead of basking in the glow of a full tummy from a free lunch, I am hunting for deals (we get a VERY small budget), shopping, sometimes cooking, orginizing, setting up, taking down, sending communications, etc. Basically this is one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. It is fun stuff, I really enjoy planning events, but REALLY busy nonetheless.
My week highlights:
Saturday was AWESOME. Friends daughters first birthday (found out there are expecting baby #2!) Another friends birthday dinner and I always love seeing that group. We don't do it enough anymore. And J and I went clothes shopping. I <3 sweater season!
Sunday was the Making Strides Against Breats Cancer walk. My team KICKED ASS. There were almost 90 of us and we raised almost $10k so far! GO TEAM! I also started shopping for Monday's work breakfast. I made some awesome pancakes, I must say.
CS Week Schedule:
Monday - Breakfast
Tuesday - Ice Cream Social
Wednesday - Lunch
Thursday - All of the managers are baking and supplying dessert
Friday - Games and snacks
Quite an agenda when you're coordinating a group of 75, no? It's only Wednesday and my oversized rump is dragging already.
So, tonight I'm taking a good friend of mine to get pedicures for her birthday because she's awesome and if you could see my feet... ::shudder:: and then I'm baking chocolate chip cookie brownies - YUM.
Tomorrow I've got to get the dog to my Mom's since she's babysitting for the weekend. We're staying at my Father-in-laws because Friday morning we leave for Oklahoma to see family until Monday.
Phew. Thanks for letting me get my to-do list in order. I guess all that is to say, I'm sorry that I'm a blogging failure this week. If you think I'm slacking here you should see the piles of crap not getting done at my house... oy vey.
Friday, October 2, 2009
That is all for now. Back to my snapping at employees, tea, and my heating pad.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Harley had an 'accident' of epic proportions. Numerous piles all over the upstairs carpet, all in varying consistencies. You can pick out the route he took when he freaked out about not getting outside. At least he wiped his paws clean before he tracked it downstairs...
I changed out of my favorite work pants and sweater and donned old sweats a ratty tank and rubber gloves. I gagged through picking up what I could and J gathered spray bottles and the carpet cleaner (Yes, R, we thoroughly cleaned your machine!). It took us an hour and a half, but I think we got it up.
Harley and I had a good long talk before I left for work this morning. There should be no confusion now. Any upset tummies or accidents, in emergency situations only, should be confined to the lanoleum. I'm glad he and I got that straightened out.
Now if I could just remove the remainder of my nose hairs that still cling to that smell...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
It sounds crazy, but yesterday I went motorcycle shopping. J and I took the safety course a few years ago and he's had a couple bikes since, but I've not gotten one yet. We're talking about getting me my first bike. YAY! It will be a cheap starter bike, but I've always wanted to do it.
Also, we're planning a trip to Mexico in January with my sister and her boyfriend. There are some really great deals out there right now and we're going to take advantage.
Other than the fun things we're going to really focus on continuing to build up our savings (which sounds weird to say when I just talked about buying a bike and taking a trip...). We've got a good system set up with a small amount of 'fun money' set aside each month and the rest of our free cash is going straight to savings. It will feel good to know we're building up a bit of a safety net. We've agreed that we won't buy or do anything until we've met a certain savings goal. Anything extra we want (this is where the bike and trip come in) we'll pay cash and not charge.
So, I think we've got a decent plan together. I'm going to try and focus on the things I can control and let the one thing I cannot happen as it will. I say that now, but let's hope I can stick to it!
Friday, September 25, 2009
After all this time I don't know how I still manage to stumble across these moments of hope. Well I guess maybe I do, my sweet ignorant husband probably has something to do with it. J has learned A LOT about women, our bodies, baby making, etc this last year. Kudos to him to paying attention. But, I think the process is still a bit other-worldly to him.
Last night I was running up stairs and complaining about my boobs being sore. He said 'Your boobs are sore?? That's a good thing, right!?' And of course my answer is, as always, it could be and it could not be. He said (in the cutest little puppy-dog face) 'So... there's just no chance this month?' I explained that I haven't gotten my period yet, so it isn't that there is 0% chance, but I'm not feeling good about it either.
So, of course, I test. Not but a couple of hours after I said I would wait until Saturday. But how could I not after that look on his face? Of course it was negative. I brought it back to the bedroom where J was reading and I apologized for jumping on his ass this afternoon when he told me about telling his brother. I tried to explain that I know this is frustrating for him too, but after seeing upwards of 30 of 'these' (and I showed him the negative test) I am really trying to make it month-to-month without my hopes getting up so far. That deep down I know our problem lies with me. I'm the broken one. And most importantly, that I'm really scared.
Then I started to cry a little, not sobs, but misty eyes for sure. J's response 'Sweetpea, you know that this isn't going to help any.' Now, by the sweet look on his face I knew he was just trying to tell me to be strong, but instead I felt kicked for being weak. I got up, went to the living room and fumed for a minute. J came out to fetch me (he's good like that) and I told him I would be back to bed, I just needed a few minutes. He said that he just wanted a hug. Yup, that was the exact moment I completely lostmyshit. He pulled me up and the flood gates opened. There were sobs and snot and shaking and i'm sorry's, it was quite the little scene I worked up. I was a hot mess.
He got me to bed and did all the things a good husband does. He told me it would be okay, that lots of women have been where I am (It's here that I thought of allllll the lovelies on the interwebs that I have come to know and love.), and that it was okay for me to be upset. He promised that we'd figure it out together and he'd love me no matter what.
Note to God, I'm not sure what I did to fall out of your good graces, but you just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If I need to call my Grams (She just so happens to be Jesus' right hand woman) and start a regular prayer situation, I will. Church on Sundays? Okay... maybe not that, but ask me again in a couple months.
I'm not sure until yesterday he fully understood why it is so important to me that people not know. Previous to this exactly 3 people knew. Already 1 of those was on accident. I don't want the awkward questions about 'how things are coming along' or the sideward glances when I'm snuggling up to one of the gorgeous babies in my life. The last thing I want is for people feeling bad for us. When I play with my nieces or spoil my nephews, I don't want their parents looking at me with pity for what we haven't accomplished yet. Our day will come and right now I don't feel like letting our entire world into the fray. The irony that I don't want the whole world to know, yet I'm telling this story on the internet, is not lost on me.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I have told myself that I will NOT test again until Saturday morning's fmu. So far, so good.
Only a couple phantom symptoms. Sore boobs (but that's normal pms stuff for me recently) and heartburn. I've had heartburn 4 fricken times this week. Yesterday i felt like I'd just thrown up or something, my throat and chest were burning so bad.
So, there is this weeks fishing trip. ::casts out the line::
Feel free to hang around for next weeks installment. I've confidently named it:
AF is a Bitch.
It's not creative, but I'll bet you a dollar that it I actually get to use it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'm struggling to remember why I keep asking for a puppy again.
Last night a couple of friends of ours dropped off their two dogs. They both leave today on business and we agree to dogsit. Our dog knows their dogs really well and in general everyone gets along great. Sounds like a breeze, no?
Well last night was no walk in the park. The dogs are 13 and 2. The 13yo and our Harley are a breeze. They're mellow, lazy and low maintenance. The 2yo on the other hand... She would NOT settle. She wanted to play, or jump on the bed, or bark at whatever was outside (they live on a rather large piece of property so she is not accustomed to seeing people walk by on the sidewalk outside). I don't think I slept longer than 20 minute increments the whole night. It was all I could do not to pitch her out the front door. The only reason I didn't is because I know it would have made her happier than a pig in the mud to run around uninhibited.
She's a sweet little thing. Her mama and daddy call her Wiggles because when she wags her skinny black lab tail her whole body gyrates. We knew she had a lot of energy, but we we're at their house she puts herself to bed by 8:30! Not last night, nope. She alternated between banging against the pantry door with her tail, barking at the nonexistent pedestrians, trying to get Harley to play (which only made him growl 'bitch, it's bedtime'), jumping on the bed (we don't allow dogs on the bed), or crying. A few times when she cried we got up to let her out just in case, but then she just ran around the yard trying to get us to chase her. Not so cute at 11:10pm, or 1:30am, or 3:45...
After 3:45 when we were not able to get back to sleep (I get up at 4 anyway, and J gets up at 4:40), we lay there and I asked him 'Now, why do we want kids and puppies again??' and we just laughed. You know, that delirious I'mgoingtolosemyshitoutofexhaustion kind of laugh.
Now, I just need to make it to 2:30. Then I'm going home to take a nap. Once that's done, we are going on the longest walk she's ever experienced. Then I'm throwing the ball in the back yard, and THEN we'll walk again. That should about do it. If not, you may be reading about me in the paper tomorrow morning...
Monday, September 21, 2009
WTF?! Tentative cross hairs on CD31?! Chart, fuck you.
There is a significant increase from my dip on CD21, but not past any coverline. The first part of my chart sucks llama balls. The OPK's were technically negative, but there were two lines on CD20 and 21. Good news, if that was CD21, we nailed it. Bad news, if it was CD21 we'd probably know by now and yesterdays test was negative.
Back to the same ol' story. Could be, couldn't be...
Screw you FF. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
C had a daughter in December of 2007. She is A-FRICKEN-DORABLE. Probably the cutest little thing you've ever seen. Well, she's going to be a big sis any day now. C went to the doc today and she is dialated to 3 cm! Doc said 'Well, I can induce you right now if you want!' She is going to give her until Monday and then induce if she hasn't come on her own. YAY! At the latest, her birthday will be the 21st.
The only downside is that she lives 700 miles away. :( I miss her and her family terribly and I am continuing to look for good deals to get my butt on a plane to see her soon.
I love you C! I'm praying that you get to relax at least a little bit this weekend before she makes her appearance.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What are your dreams? I mean the real, hearty, lofty, if-I-had-my-wish type dreams?
First and foremost I dream of having a child. Of becoming a mother and watching my husband (AKA the greatest man ever) become a father.
I dream of a job that has the financial capability to allow me to care for my family, while also allowing me the flexibility in schedule to be there for said family. (Anyone have an opening for a 6-figure part time job?)
I dream of building our dream-home. I have floor plans and pictures I’ve been saving most of my life. The wrap around porch, kitchen with double ovens, workshop, and double-headed walk-in shower are a MUST.
I dream of having 3 dogs. Sounds silly, but it’s part of my white-picket-fence dream. Decent sized custom home on a handful of acres and our three rescue pooches. <3
I dream of traveling. Both near home and far-and-wide. I want to see the local gems and South America. Backpack to a remote local lake and lay on the beach in Tahiti. I’ve got a list (I mean, of course I have a list, lol), and I’d like to start checking them off.
I dream of a cabin in the woods. A place for my family to spend the weekends camping in the summer and a place to lay our heads when we’re skiing in the winter.
I dream of retiring early so that I can spend quality time with my family and friends (and traveling!).
I dream of becoming a photographer. This is a newer dream, just in the last few years. I want to take a class and have people line up to see my work. I’d love to take artsy nature shots and newborn/children shots. Those are my favorite.
I dream of playing softball again. This one I think I can accomplish soon. I really need to make the time. I played my entire childhood and I can definitely feel it missing from my adult years.
I'm certain I've got more to add to this list, so lets just call this one Dreams (Round I).
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Last night we had a few friends over we hadn't seen in awhile. We were supposed to be camping with this group, but unfortunately the weather had other plans. We had a great time eating a YUMMY dinner (I kicked the ass of those tri tips steaks - deLISH), my friend Jess and I polished off two bottles of wine, we had TWO desserts - chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin ice cream, and then a piece of strawberry rhubarb pie and vanilla ice cream. LOL
This morning I closed my eyes when I stepped on the scale, but it said 195.7! So, I'm about 5 lbs less than when I updated you all last. Yesterday morning I did see 194.9 and that was the greatest feeling I've had in a long time. I'm about 20 lbs away from my goal (which is now to weight less than J at about 180).
This particular milestone means a little something special to me. I started this journey at 236 pounds. This mornings weight means I've officially lost 40lbs. I've always been proud of my slow and steady progress, but for some reason the idea of being 40lbs lighter just makes me giddy! When I started 40lbs simply seemed impossible. Now it makes me feel like the last 20-30 will be nothing.
Want to know what I think has been helping? I've been taking vitamins daily.
I'm determined to make the most of the next two months before our appointment. I'd like to be under 190 when I go in. That would make me 20lbs less than my last OB appt in January. 5 pounds in 8 weeks is nothing, so maybe I'll just blow that out of the water!
Friday, September 4, 2009
This morning I woke up with 4:32 (usually get up at 4:00) and I still managed to be out the door by 4:46 to catch my vanpool. Thank god I showered last night! I probably just set a record of some kind. I managed to get out with make up on, hair dried, and a pretty cute outfit (including the sassy new necklace that R got me for my birthday!!).
TGIF! I cannot say that enough.
Now I must return to my online shopping for an alarm that will slap me in the face or shake my bed. Something that will actually get me up on time.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I hear that the doc I am seeing is supposed to be great. He's the head of the OB clinic. I had a fantastic conversation with his nurse today. She told me what we could expect and was enthusiastic about meeting us. She was just what I needed. The best part? I told her that I'd been charting and she was ecstatic! She said that her and the doc both think it is great when women are informed and are taking proactive steps to understand their body. YAY for a supportive and openminded doctor! I was nervous about how that would be received after hearing other ladies reports.
So now we've got 8 weeks to hump and hope.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
That is all. You're welcome to return to your regularly schedule program.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
So, I've come up with an idea. The Baby Jar. It will be like the Cuss Jar (every time you swear you've got to put in $1) except that each time someone asks us when we're having kids, they have to put in $1. We'll have money for childcare in no time!
What compels people to ask this question? It is none of your business when my husband and I begin bumping uglies with a hidden agenda. It is not your business why we don't have kids now. It is not your business when/if we're trying. But, all of that aside you have no idea if that couple has been trying for what feels like forever and your constantly bringing it up does nothing but make them feel failure. Especially as you're holding your adorable nephew knowing that if you'd been successful in the beginning, you'd have had one a couple months older than him. Part of me knows they're asking because they care and generally are excited for us. But, the other part wants me to shake them, demand they stop with the never ending inquisition, and shout 'For the love of Jebus, I'm TRYING!'
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I did have to work, but just for a couple of hours. The rest of the work day was spent with my team volunteering. We planted a rose garden and had a great time! The day was cool, but it didn't rain so it was perfect for manual labor. After 4 hours of digging and landscaping my boss bought me lunch at Red Robin (yummmmm teriyaki chicken burger...) and when I got back to my office my employees had invaded. There were streamers, a bouquet of balloons, a card, and silly drawings on my white board. OH and baked goods from this yummy local deli. They were so excited for me to see it, it was really sweet. I got to go home shortly after that!
J and I went for pedicures once I got home and cleaned up. This was his first one and he says he only gave in because it was my day. Whatever works! It was my first pedicure by a 'man' (really he was about an 18-20 year old). It was a little odd to have this kid painting my toes pink, but hey, he did a great job!
Afterward we had dinner with our family. My grandma, mom, mil, fil, and sister went to this yummy restaurant where you can throw the peanuts on the floor. I don't know why that is so fun, but we love it. They have good food and its a casual place so that we could be obnoxious and have fun and no one would care. The waitress found out it was my birthday and put a toilet seat cover around my neck and a coffee filter on my head and the staff sang to it. It was hilarious. Thankfully I could drown my semi-embarrassed self in the sundae. :) My sister bought me earrings with my birth stone (i'm not typically a fan of peridot, but they are cute), and my mom got me a pretty watch!
So many friends made a point to call/text/facebook/email, I felt very special.
The calling of another sweet baby this week was a sobbering reminder to me to be greatful for the people I have in my life. I love all of my friends (IRL or not) and I'm saying a little extra prayer for Eas and her angel baby today.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Not 10 minutes after I posted about my birthday not being a huge deal, I get an email from our receptionist. It simply says "S, there is a delivery for you at the reception desk."
Much to my surprise there is a beautiful bouquet awaiting me. A dozen long stem red roses.
He had them delivered today because he knew I would be out of the office most of the day tomorrow. Thoughtful AND well planned. He's not typically too romantic, so this is just that much more special.
They are gorgeous. I will take a good picture and post it tonight! After I thank my husband of course. :)
I've decided not to do anything major for my birthday. Mostly because our weekends before and after are filled with other things. Not much exciting can be done on a Tuesday. I love celebrating other peoples birthdays, but generally there is always something happening around mine that means I get kind of set aside. The last big birthday party I had was probably my 21st. No one really makes much mention of it. It used to upset me, but now I guess I'm kind of used to it. It usually ends up in J and I having dinner with my mom and sister and that sounds A-OK to me.
Tomorrow I have to work, but my whole management team is volunteering for half of the day. We are going to a local city hall and planting a rose garden. The weather is supposed to be decent too, so I'm excited! Our company is doing a Week of Service and there were a dozen or so events to pick from if you wanted to participate. We decided to do this as sort of a team building event. I volunteer quite a bit, but my team typically doesn't do much, so I'm happy they're getting into it. It should be fun!
Afterward I'm going to leave work early and I'm thinking about going to get my hair cut. (My friend usually cuts it, but I think she's still out of town and she lives about an hour and a half away.) J and I are talking about going for pedicures too. It would be his first one! We've still not settled on dinner plans, but I'm thinking steak. So tomorrow should be a really good day.
24 was an interesting year. There are definitely things I would have liked to have panned out differently. But, overall I'm very lucky. I'm healthy, in fact I weigh the lowest I have in about 6 years (196.7 yesterday! WOOT!). J and I are better than ever, my heart just swells I'm so lucky. My family has grown and for the most part we're all doing well. I have a solid job and we are debt free (with the exception of one car and our mortgages of course) with a little bit in savings to boot. There are so many blessings in my life. I will enjoy reflecting on the last year today. But tomorrow... tomorrow I will be glad for a fresh start. I look forward to 25 and all that it will bring.
In February Dakota would have been 8. Unfortunately she was put down this weekend. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to help make (my mom and I talked about it extensively). Dakota had blown out her knee. It would have been about $3k for each leg (the others would have needed to be done closely following the first). Not only did we not have the money, but there was no guarantee it would fix it. We talked about putting her down then and decided since she was still getting around and didn't appear to be in too much pain (with meds of course) that we would just see how she does. She did really good for awhile. Unfortunately she didn't respond well to the meds long term and she stopped eating. She became thin really quickly my mom took her back to the vet. The vet tried some new medication, but they just made her throw up (just water because they didn't increase her appetite). She was clearly suffering and we didn't think it was fair to make her suffer on our account.
I know now that she is in heaven. She is ruling the roost and bossing all the other pooches around as per usual. She is healthy and happy and waiting to see us again someday.
RIP Kota. I love you my sweet girl. I miss you already.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
AF is finally returning to something that I recognize. So far today I would say it is 'medium'. Which, compared to the last two days, is heaven. I told J last night that I was finally starting to feel a little relief, less cramping, etc. He said that he could tell, but 'Thankfully you're not like that very often.' lol I must have been a peach to be around the past two days.
There seemed to be this pity party shame spiral thing happening and not a damn thing I could do about it. I think it was a bad combination of knowing we didn't get pregnant this month (again), the worst period I may have had ever, mixed with stress from my day job, feeling like I'll never get this part time gig off the ground, the fact that my birthday is next week and I'm certain it will go without much notice for the 4th or so year in a row, and feeling all of this and still having to take care of someone else so I'm not getting any rest or relaxation. I love J dearly and will take care of him for the rest of his life if that was necessary, but damn it I need a day off. Thankfully I am feeling better. (I started taking new vitamins this week and I really feel like their making a difference already!) More willing to tackle these pesky challenges and to put to the back of my mind those things I cannot do a damn thing about.
On a brighter note, J's fingers are looking "better". I use quotes because they still look like shit. They're black and oozing ::GAG:: and gross, but this is a MUCH better state than the bloody meat chunks they were two weeks ago. He started physical therapy yesterday (which is kind of a joke, I may go into that later...) and his spirits are up a bit. He's still frustrated to not be able to do everything on his own (I suppose that asking your wife to open jars and put on your deodorant could be kind of a kick to the manhood), but he's definitely excited about his improvements.
On my final and even brighter note, I had to swing a present by to R and T's house last night and I got to hold baby Landon again. Boy do I love that kid. He's smushy and snuggly and adorable and sweet. He was seriously the high point of my week, again. Happy one week birthday little guy!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I feel bad complaining because J is still hurting from his accident, but the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from a long hellish day at work was take care of someone else. But, I did. I got to relax a little, but then there were chores that needed to be done, dinner that had to get made, etc. I was in tears by the time I got to get in the shower and lay down.
My fingers were crossed that this morning would be better. But, no. (TMI warning!) As soon as I got out of bed, I flooded. That's the best way to describe it. There was a mad scramble to the bathroom because it was running down my legs. So I did what any girl in my position would do. I cleaned my sorry ass up and I cried again. Got to love those hormones.
I still haven't called the doctor. I wasn't in any mood to talk to J about what we wanted to do next and I think if I'd had to, it would have just resulted in more tears.
Is it Friday yet?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Vicodin has not been nice to my husband. It has made him constipated and prudish. No interest in pooping or doing it, whatsoever. Basically he'd lost all communication with anything below the belt. It's been two weeks since we've had sex and the last time we got busy wasn't anything to write home about, so F! Figures. Nothing like some nosex salt in my bitter notpregnantAGAINthismonth wounds.
Oh the joy that is CD1. lol
Monday, August 17, 2009
After 11 months of crappy cycles and 4 months of failed charting (never any clear O), I'm going to call the doctor. I don't know what else to do. I'm sure it'll take a bit to get us in, so I will keep up with the charting and the OPK's in the meantime. I just want answers. I can't keep stressing out over whether or not I'm broken. At this point I think finding out for sure I am broken would be less stressful than my worrying about being broken (I get that I will feel differently if this is actually the case, but bear with the pity party for just one more minute).
My heart hurts. Another month gone. No anniversary conception for us. Another milestone missed (J and I were chatting and realized that at the soonist his birthday will come and go again before we have a child).
In my life I've been very very lucky. School was always easy for me, I was a natural athlete, I interview well and have been blessed with good job experience, I've been with my husband since just before I turned 17. Generally I am ahead of the curve, I get things right the first time, and I don't take that for granted. I think when I started this process (it was over a year ago that we decided we would ttc) I was cocky and ignorant enough to believe that this would just be like all of the other things I've tackled. I would just naturally move into a new role.
I suppose I had to learn at some point. God felt that I needed a test in patience. Perhaps he decided these tribulations would teach me humility and appreciation for the things in life that are truly worth it? I've definitely learned a lot and I guess I'm about to learn a whole lot more.
So, what's up doc?
Friday, August 14, 2009
The past three or four days I would really have preferred to live without. They hurt SO bad. Some times they hurt more than others, but if they bump anything or J forgets I'm hurting and goes to cop a feel SWEETJESUSMARYANDJOSEPH they hurt like hell. My nipples have pretty much been in some stage of hardness for the length of this fiasco as well. Nothing like some nipple chaffage from rubbing the inside of my bra/shirt to be the cherry that tops my achy rack.
With this screwy cycle I've not known what to expect, but I anticipate this being the mother of all that is pms. Lord kill me now if this is just the beginning.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I would like to take a moment to wish Landon a happy birthday. You're new around here little man, but I promise that you have so much love and support around you that you have no reason to be scared or nervous. Enjoy these first few days/months/years. Everything is so new and exciting. You will learn more and more each day. You have wonderful parents and a very large extended family. Oh, and that big sister of yours? Well, you'll get to meet her soon. Big sisters can be a pain sometimes, but I promise that she would do anything for you.
I love you little man, even though I haven't even gotten to meet you yet.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I slept through my alarm both Saturday and Sunday morning. I did temp when I woke up on my own, but it was 4 hours later than usual so I didn't record them (they were fairly consistant though) I suppose I was just too pooped to party.
I was so worried that I would miss my alarm this morning and be late for work that I woke up every 30 minutes after 2:00am. At least I didn't miss it!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I got a phone call just after 10:00 and here is how he said hello, 'If I were to need to go to the hospital, which one should I go to?' (we have new insurance this year, so he wanted to be sure.) I was like 'WHAT?!' He tried to make me feel better, but a statement like, 'Don't worry, I cut my fingers with a chainsaw, but the paramedics don't think I will lose them or anything.' isn't going to help matters!
When I got to the ER he was already cleaned up and the doctor was starting to stitch him up. His index finger got a big gash, but it is a clean slice. So, although it is deep and nasty, it was stitched together without too much to-do. His middle finger isn't fairing quite as well. It looks like... well, it looks like it got chewed up by a chainsaw. The doctor used the term 'jigsaw puzzle' and I thought that was pretty fitting. There is very little skin left. R asked if it looked like bloody meat chunks ::GAG:: and I thought that was pretty fitting.
Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to get it checked out. Because there is still so much fatty tissue exposed he may need to have a graph.
J has been in really good spirits. The joke now is that if he needs a graph that I hope they take the skin from his ass. It would just be good funny to know that he'll be scratching his face with his ass. Or scratching his ass with his ass. lol.
Thank you to those that sent us prayers. We truly appreciate it.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I did however have two pink lines on the OPK again (still negative though). Perhaps we'll get a better result this evening?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Late this afternoon and this evening I've definitely been feeling tightness (not really cramping) too. I'm hoping that tomorrow's OPK is a positive one! Boy would that be a relief!!
Fingers crossed please!!
That right there is beauty. Beauty that cannot be rivaled by any that I've come across. (Can you smell the sarcasm?) Those tentative crosshairs are a joke, the temps bounce around more than an Easter Bunny on crack. I am beginning to lose hope that we'll be able to do this on our own. I'm trying to stay positive (the month isn't over yet!), but from the looks of things here, we're not fairing so well. Especially considering the dozen negative OPK's. Granted we'll start them earlier next month, but still.
I do need to prepare myself for the very real idea that we'll be visiting the doctor in September to talk about IF and our options. Until it has officially been a year, I really don't want to put any labels on our situation, but it is heading more and more that direction every month.
J and I have only just briefly discussed what we'll do next. So far we agree that we're open to meds. I'm not sure that J is so hot on the idea of IVF, but that was mostly after he heard about the cost. I'm definitely going to have to get more details from our insurance company. Hopefully we'll just not have to cross that bridge.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A little fun fact - only 15% of homes in Washington state have air conditioners. Our home is not one of them. Thankfully we have a little portable AC in our bedroom, so sleeping hasn't been SO bad. Unfortunately the rest of our house is an oven. 92 degrees at 10:00pm last night. Yikes!
It may not seem like much to those of you that are used to the triple digits. Thankfully it will "cool down" by the weekend. YAY 89-92! lol
The best silver lining? I think my spotting was scared of the heat. 3 days free of spotting - WOOHOO! I'm going to start the OPK's immediately after AF next month, just in case I have been ovulating really early in my cycle.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I called the nurse yesterday. She was none too concerned about my spotting for the last week, nor very helpful. Shocking, I know. She kept referencing this 'irregular cycle'. After the third time I was more direct and said that I had no inclination that this was actually my period. My concern was not over irregular cycles (been there, done that), but that this was being caused my something else I should be concerned with (cysts, ectopic pregnancy, etc). You know, all the lovely things you read about when you type such things into Google. Her response was that if it continues or is coupled with 'consistant and prolonged periods of cramping or pain' to call. Oh, and to take a HPT (even though I had a full blown period end 18 days ago...), which of course was negative. So, I've decided that if I'm still spotting this weekend I'm going to make an appointment. As J said, I know my body better than an 18 year old nursing aid. If I feel like something is wrong, I shouldn't ignore it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Earlier in the week I mentioned briefly some interactions I didn't want to go into because it would get me worked up, well it has continued. Basically I have inadvertently hurt a friends feelings. Nothing I should be banished to the hot side of Hades for (I was more inadvertently inconsiderate than anything. It was completely unintentional). But, none the less she was hurt.
In the path to my discovering this and thus apologizing profusely, I have been in a constant state of feelinglikeashithead. It is incredibly hard to hear that someone doesn't think highly of you, especially when that person is someone that you truly admire. I believe her words were, 'I have come to the realization that you can be a selfish person.' Ouch. Big time.
I have never considered myself a selfish person (I don't suppose anyone would though..). In fact I truly enjoy going out of my way to do nice things for others. I volunteer on a very regular basis (I am one of three directors for my corporations community involvement committee), I like to do spontaneously nice things for my pals, my husband, and my family. Yes, doing these things makes me happy, but I don't do them for that reason. I do it because I know what joy and happiness it brings to those I care about, or those in need. Needless to say, this was really a slap in the face. It has definitely given me a lot to think about and reflect upon. Which basically led to a weekend long 'funk'.
I have not been able to shake this awful feeling that I just cannot do anything right. That no matter what good I try and do and the people I try and help, that I am always the bad guy, the scapegoat. I have spent a good deal of this weekend feeling very alone. I was trying to explain this to J (who is more than ever deserving of sainthood I might add - this man is phenomenal, I must say. No, I'm not biased.). You know in middle school when you have a fight with your friend and after that it feels like you have no friends left at all? Rationally you know you're being over sensitive and you're reading too far into things (Okay, so you haven't talked in two days - that does not mean you've been abandoned!). But you can't help but feel like you have nowhere to turn? That's as best as I can describe it.
J tried to bring me back from the darkside and explained that this was one person's opinion. One person in which I had upset. I was probably not going to get the most glowing review at that very moment. (My perfectionist self still did not find this acceptable...) He tried recounting the number of times recently I stayed up to late working on a project for a friend, or sacrificed my weekend to lend a hand, covered for a coworker, loaned this, helped with that, etc. I think all this did was throw me further into pondering how awful I must be all the other times for those activities to count for nothing. To barely get me half hearted appreciation or a sliver of respect.
I warned you it wouldn't be pretty.
So, that brings me to Monday morning. Dog still sick (oh, did I fail to mention that story? Just add that to the list of last weeks FUN.) and I'm still spotting off and on. Hopefully this week will be a little less busy because I kicked some ass at work on Friday.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Thank you for being my outlet. For being the 'shoulder' that I needed. Poor J can only handle so much and getting this out is really good therapy.
(Side note: Per the excellent guidance of dear Buck I decided to whoop it up Saturday night and drown my sorrows in a beer (or 4...) and a cocktail or two (or 4...). Let me set the sceen though - I am a LIGHT WEIGHT. Seriously, I hardly drink anymore. The gods must have felt really bad for me then because I was not even the slightest bit of hangover. No headache, no nothin'. Phew!)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Remember my broken laptop? I'm blogging on it again! A friend of mine's dad is a computer guru and thankfully offered to take a look at my computer. He quickly found the issue (I'd maxed the memory - damn picture obsession - and it caused some corruption...) and completely saved the day. I had it back, completely fixed, updates installed, new software added, etc in less than 24 hours. And I thought it was toast! My shittastic week finally has a silver lining. My precious laptop is just like new!!
I haven't even gotten to the best part. He did it for FREE. He just asked that I send him referrals.
K, you are my hero. You may have prevented me from jumping off the 25th floor of my building when I got to work in the morning.
Tomorrow's Friday. The sweet scent of a fun filled sunny weekend is ahead. FINALLY!