When I mentioned yesterday that it was toying with my emotions I had no idea how true that was. This might be long, so I thought it deserved it's own post.
After all this time I don't know how I still manage to stumble across these moments of hope. Well I guess maybe I do, my sweet ignorant husband probably has something to do with it. J has learned A LOT about women, our bodies, baby making, etc this last year. Kudos to him to paying attention. But, I think the process is still a bit other-worldly to him.
Last night I was running up stairs and complaining about my boobs being sore. He said 'Your boobs are sore?? That's a good thing, right!?' And of course my answer is, as always, it could be and it could not be. He said (in the cutest little puppy-dog face) 'So... there's just no chance this month?' I explained that I haven't gotten my period yet, so it isn't that there is 0% chance, but I'm not feeling good about it either.
So, of course, I test. Not but a couple of hours after I said I would wait until Saturday. But how could I not after that look on his face? Of course it was negative. I brought it back to the bedroom where J was reading and I apologized for jumping on his ass this afternoon when he told me about telling his brother. I tried to explain that I know this is frustrating for him too, but after seeing upwards of 30 of 'these' (and I showed him the negative test) I am really trying to make it month-to-month without my hopes getting up so far. That deep down I know our problem lies with me. I'm the broken one. And most importantly, that I'm really scared.
Then I started to cry a little, not sobs, but misty eyes for sure. J's response 'Sweetpea, you know that this isn't going to help any.' Now, by the sweet look on his face I knew he was just trying to tell me to be strong, but instead I felt kicked for being weak. I got up, went to the living room and fumed for a minute. J came out to fetch me (he's good like that) and I told him I would be back to bed, I just needed a few minutes. He said that he just wanted a hug. Yup, that was the exact moment I completely lostmyshit. He pulled me up and the flood gates opened. There were sobs and snot and shaking and i'm sorry's, it was quite the little scene I worked up. I was a hot mess.
He got me to bed and did all the things a good husband does. He told me it would be okay, that lots of women have been where I am (It's here that I thought of allllll the lovelies on the interwebs that I have come to know and love.), and that it was okay for me to be upset. He promised that we'd figure it out together and he'd love me no matter what.
Note to God, I'm not sure what I did to fall out of your good graces, but you just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If I need to call my Grams (She just so happens to be Jesus' right hand woman) and start a regular prayer situation, I will. Church on Sundays? Okay... maybe not that, but ask me again in a couple months.