Dr. K and the new game plan

Our first appointment with Seattle Reproductive Medicine went great! I am very happy that they were open on a Saturday, that made if very convenient.

The nurse took my vitals and pictures of J and I, she was very friendly. Afterward, Dr. K brought us back to her office. It was the first time we'd discussed our game plan, and the state of my lady-bits, over a desk and not while I'm up on an exam table.

She asked about our history and what we'd be through with our other doctor (Doc Oc). She explained the typical protocol for a new patient, how PCOS works and how the different treatment options could affect me/our chances of conception, and what she typically recommends.

Dr. K says that there are two basic plans, IUI or IVF. Since I am young and assumably have a good ovarian reserve (plenty of eggs left) and J has excellent little swimmers, she thinks we'd have great success with IUI. Secondly she talked about the drugs that could help me ovulate more regularly since that is obviously our largest obstacle. Since I'd previously seen more success with Femara (vs my non-response to Clomid), we're going to start with that.

I will go in for a baseline ultrasound once my next period starts. Based on the looks of things (so long as there isn't any problems like a large cyst, etc) we are going to do the max dose of Femara (3 tablets) on days 3 through 7 (slightly more aggressive than days 5-9). Potentially even days 3-9 for a better response.

In addition to the Femara, I got a prescription for Metformin. I start taking that immediately so that when we get going next cycle I will be ramped up to the full dose (you gradually increase the dose to minimize side effects). This is my first time on Met and hopefully the combination of these two drugs will be what I need! Metformin works by helping to regulate my blood sugar. A fringe benefit may be that with that help, and my continued focus on eating right and exercising, it could help me with weight loss. Won't get any complaints from me!

She also talked to us a bit about injections: HCG & FSH. Dr. K did not recommend the FSH injections for someone with PCOS. Because PCOS causes a lot of follicles to develop (vs. a normal woman who has 2 or 3) the FSH could result in a lot of those follicles maturing and vastly increase the rate of a multiples pregnancy. The HCG trigger may be the direction we go. We'll see!

Afterward we established our game plan she collected some information about us (are we allergic to anything? taking meds? how often we have intercourse? Do we do drugs or drink? etc). The only medicine I am taking is a Vitamin D supplement, because like every single person in Western Washington - I lack the necessary environment (AKA the sun) to produce enough of that on my own. She asked J if he has had his tested and he hasn't. We learned something else new - according to a new study Dr. K has read, apparently a deficiency in Vitamin D can impact the strength of the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. Go figure! We'll see what J's results look like and go from there.

That's the plan! We really like our new doctor, we're very comfortable with the current game plan, and actually a little excited for my next cycle so that we can get started!

If you have experience with Metformin (and I know some of you do!) or even the Femara/Metformin combination, I would love to hear about it.

Positive Spin: I saved a test.

Yesterday was a good day. I got caught up and even a little ahead on my work. The sun was shining for the first time in God only knows how long. A good friend of ours came over. We had a bonfire in the backyard while the dogs played. A good June day!

J told me that he'd confided in said friend about our 'situation'. So, when the conversation turned to my two week late period, we were able to talk frankly over the fire. We talked about how both guys were very confident that it would happen someday. We discussed adoption, foster care (our friends youngest brother was foster-to-adopt), the egregious cost of fertility treatment, etc. A good chat!

Then the inevitable happened.

I went pee and saw red.

Frick. CD 43 was over and replaced by CD1. For a moment I felt the familiar pang in my heart. But, I knew this was coming. At least now I could have a drink at the fire with no guilt. At least I saved my final test.

It's all about the positive spin.

Word Vomit

Yesterday I found myself increasingly frustrated with my current situation. In order to get it out there and move on, I sent the following "word vomit" to one of my favorite peeps.

"Here’s the quick and dirty version… I’m feeling like a pity-party of one. CD41 today is today. Tested when we got home Monday (CD39) and it was negative. However, being that I’m not regular, it could still be early. Could be that with all of the excitement, I’m just not getting a period this month, I already missed May altogether (that would be a first in 2.5 years). Could be a false negative. Could be… Could be… Could be…

I hate this crap. Any other ‘normal’ woman at this point would have her answer. No PMS symptoms for me at all (which isn’t normal) until yesterday which started the sore boobs. That could be about appropriate timing for someone who was actually knocked-up. But my mind/body only do that sort of thing to keep that spark of hope burning. Because, God forbid if my bodies signs actually had meaning.

So my post-trip glow is tainted today with analyzing every twinge (gas, lol). So, I figured I would just own-up, say it ‘out loud’ and let the inevitable happen already. Positive Penelope over here!

BAH!"

Quality stuff, yes, I am aware. But I am sick and tired of this crap. I haven't even started back up yet and I'm already pissed. Why can't things (meaning my body) just function as they should!? I shouldn't now be on CD42 and still facing the unknown. Why do I lead myownself on?

Susan, who I might say has incredible insight - especially into my crazy psyche - had a great point when she said that my anger was probably another PMS symptom I hadn't thought about. lol - she's absolutely right.

PCOS is a mean bitch.

I am ready to get back to the doc and regain at least a little insight/control. I am waiting until this weekend to test again. One way or the other, I need to know.

I'm Scared.

I am still waiting. No news is good news, right?

I am scared to test tomorrow morning. Scared it will be negative. Scared it will be positive. Scared my period will start before I even have the chance. Scared it will be positive and it will be a mean lie. Scared that the next time I wipe it will be over. And mostly, I'm scared I've let my hopes creep up to far and that my heart will be broken, again.

I'm sorry that I don't have more substance than this today. It's all I can muster while I hold my breath for the next 24 hours.

An Email Exchange

I was corresponding with a wonderful pal, and fellow PCOS'er, the other day. Throughout the work day we were writing back and forth. Checking in mostly. She was talking through her experiences, and I was talking through mine. It was nice to speak frankly with someone who just gets it.

I saved our long email chain and went back and read it today. I love that even with thousands of miles between us, we're still able to be there for one another. That we won't need to put on that shiny smiling face all the damn time. It's exhausting and with her I don't have to. If we're feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves, we say so. Get it out there, pick each other up, and get on with the day. To have a friend like that, in all of this mess, feels like I won the friend lotto.

There is a snippet of the email exchange that I want to share with you all. It isn't eloquent or revolutionary, but it was an honest summary of where my mind is at. The comments in parenthesis give explanations where needed. Here goes:

(She asked where I was at with actively ttc)
It is never far from my mind. There is something I want to say out loud, but last time I said it …in the GAP in Seattle… I started the next damn day. We don’t do this much, but last night I asked J to pray. He said that we just needed not to think about it too much. So I prayed on my own. These days at the end of the 2ww (or after the 2ww in my case) are the WORST.

Honestly, I think I’m avoiding the ‘active’ part of TTC, as in the doc/meds/OPK/charting piece, because I’m hoping we won’t have to. J has this everlasting faith that it will ‘just happen’ for us. I just roll my eyes when he’s not looking and am grateful for his positivity. I just don’t/didn’t agree.

However, the last two cycles since I started losing weight and doing acupuncture have been pretty regular (28 and 29 days!). While that isn’t a guarantee that things are functioning as they should, I’m not using OPK’s or anything, it certainly isn’t a bad sign. My acupuncturist is very happy with my progress. That I seem calmer and my heart rate has improved, better circulation, and response to treatments is very positive. I guess I’m closing my eyes, crossing my fingers, and praying that all of this positive change actually does something.

Right now where am I at? … after our trip. If it doesn’t happen by then, it is a phone call to Seattle Reproductive Medicine and another chat with my ND. I’m not sure how I feel about crossing the THREE YEAR threshold in a passive manner. Or at all for that matter. It makes my heart sink.

None of this stops my daydreaming.

Maybe I won’t be able to drink in Europe. Maybe this Mother’s Day will be different. Maybe in CA this summer I will have a little belly (different from the little belly I have now! lol). A November baby would be perfect. Maternity leave for the holidays! A long time ago I bought a baseball newborn onesie because that’s what I wanted to give J when we found out. Wouldn’t the start of baseball season be perfect timing?

Oy. Vey. The things my mind does to my poor heart.

Sorry, that was a really long answer to your question. I suppose I needed to word-vomit too. :/

So, there I am folks. I'm scared to actually do something again, and I'm scared not to. Avoiding these decisions does not allow them to go away.

You did read the top part right. I'm late. CD31. Nothing out of the ordinary for us PCOS folks, but not consistent with the last two months either. Is two months long enough to be a "trend"? No. Have I tested? No. Am I successfully keeping myself from getting my hopes up? No. Have I stopped myself from over-analyzing every gas pain, bloat, moment of yuckiness? No.

Oh, that's a cramp! Nope, just gas.

Oh, I think I'm about to start! ::rushes to the bathroom:: Nope, just CM (sorry, overshare.)

J and I have decided that we're going to wait until Saturday (CD34). If I still haven't gotten my period, I will pee on the last test I have in the house. We were fairly active with the ol' maritals at the appropriate times, so we'll just have to wait, impatiently, and see. I promise to keep ya'll posted.

I completely understand that now that I have typed this and put it out in the universe, I will probably start my period. But, God, if you're listening, do me a solid and prove me wrong this time, will you please?

If you've got a spare prayer, or positive vibe, or good ju-ju, or whatever you're into, please put in a good word for me. I promise to return the favor.

Naturopath Appointment

It went SO incredibly well. Dr. N is awesome. I have to say, I love her.

She asked all kinds of questions, was a great listener, and explained things very well. I talked about our struggle with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. The troubles I've always had losing weight. We talked a lot about how symptomatic-medicine treats symptoms and not the cause of the symptoms. The Clomid, chemical progesterone, Femara... they're not going to cure PCOS. They're going to force (or try to) ovulation. Dr. N believes there is probably more to my story, especially because these treatments didn't always work for me.

Dr. N asked if I have a thyroid problem. I told her no and explained that when I first started losing weight I had been tested and I was within the 'normal' range. She feels that those ranges are crap. That I might squeak into, even the low end of, a prescribed set of numbers, but maybe that range isn't good for me. Maybe I need to operate at a higher level than they 'expect'. She asked me questions about my hair (thin/fine), nails (always breaking), bowel movements (hello constipation and hemeroids), energy level (constant fatigue), muscle cramps (I hate charlie horses, but get them often)... etc etc. I think you see where I'm going here. She said all of this isn't exact, but it paints a picture of low thyroid. We have to wait for my blood work to be certain. I'd like to mention that when I had to lay it all out there like that I realized that I something obviously was wrong. If a friend told me they had all of the above, I'd tell them to get off their lazy butts and get to the doc. These things come on slowly and over time we adjust to them and they feel 'normal'. Boy I can't wait to clear things up and see what normal really feels like.

The remainder of the appointment went in a very similar fashion. We talked about my menstrual cycles, stress, diet, and so on. Her, I should say OUR (my opinion was very much a factor), plan is to treat ME - not my PCOS. The reason the 'S' in PCOS stands for 'Syndrome' is that it isn't a disease. It is a group of general symptoms. And it can be caused by different things for different people. That means I cannot just take the same meds as everyone else and expect to get better. We've got to fix ME. Hopefully doing so will alleviate some, or all, of my PCOS symptoms.

Our number 1 goals is my weight. We've got a plan!

Step one in the plan will come with the results of my blood work. She is going to check my thyroid, potential food allergens, hormone levels, etc. With that will be the Mrs.S specific diet. Are there foods that my body is busy battling when it could be focused on my metabolism? We'll find out!

Step two is the HCG diet. In a couple of weeks I will be attending an informational class, so I will give you all the details then. Just know that it sounds like just the thing I need. I am doing well with maintaining, but losing is a giant bitch. If I could just get there, I know I could do it. She said I sounded like the perfect candidate. More to come!

Step three in the grand plan is acupuncture. Firstly I am going to be treated for overall health and later we'll move toward treatment along the fertility route.

Folks, I am SO excited. I cannot even express how excited I am. I have not felt this good, or confident, in a very long time. This folks, is a plan. I love a good plan. It helps that Dr.N is so excited too. She had really good energy and enthusiasm about what we could accomplish. The thing I loved most is that she was so personable. I felt like she has got my back.

The best thing about the whole visit is that I left feeling confident and motivated. I felt validated in my concerns (you know when something just isn't right). And most importantly a lot of my stress and depression have been centered around having to live with this the rest of my life. Okay, so I go through with an IUI or IVF, what if we want another child? Or I want to maintain a healthy metabolism. Having everything always be a struggle. It doesn't have to be that way! I was saved today and I have to say, it feels pretty great.

To all of my PCOS ladies out there, and the rest of you as well, if you have a naturopath in your area I would really recommend it. When my girlfriend was telling me about it I kind of wrote it off because it is 'different'. Then I learned my insurance covers my visits with her just like a regular MD. She does annual exams, paps, and can even be my primary care doc. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Naturopathy and Dr. N get a giant gold star in my book.

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank a dear sweet friend of mine, Susan. She was my inspiration for finally getting up and doing something. Check out her blog as she works to get fit too! Congrats on the 6.8lbs in your first week!!

I'm really looking forward to sharing my journey in getting healthy and staying that way! I'm certain that if I can make my body a bit more fit and functional (and sex-ay before Europe!), that maybe just maybe a baby will agree and move in. Good plan, no?

Holding out...

I am holding out to test until Saturday. I am a week late, even though that is only a guess. I'm not charting, using OPK's, or anything to know when I ovulated. The only thing I can go off of is some serious CM at about CD15. Weak sauce, I know. It is not only possible that I didn't ovulate then, but I could have not ovulated at all.

I have no PMS-like symptoms that have been typical of the last few months. However, what is 'typical' when you have PCOS? Either way, I've had no sore breast, cramping (aside from an ache in my lower right abdomen last week), or any moodiness....

That is where I am at the moment. Holding off on having any hope and holding off on testing until the weekend. We'll see!

2 Years

It has been a busy week, so Tuesday I did not have the opportunity to write. Tuesday, 9/28, was the second anniversary of my first day off birth control. We had officially started trying to conceive.

Two years.

Growing up and thinking about when I would start a family I never thought that it would have turned out like this. When we started ttc in 2008, part of me just knew it wasn't going to happen right away. I'd learned a bit more about the process, my cycle was really off, I was spending entirely too much time on BOTB. Part of me just knew. Did I think I would be sitting here two years later without the least bit of success? No. That I could not have anticipated.

I am such a different person now than I was two years ago. Whether that has prepared me more, or less, for parenthood I guess we'll never know. I've written previously about missing my naivety and this week that is especially true. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch with J and talking about deciding to try. We'd just been married in July and said then that we would wait until the new year and see how it went. But, we were ready. 'What good will waiting 3 more months do?' So our journey began. We were so very excited. Giddy even. I was going to bake a blond haired, blue eyed baby. Mine. His. The excitement was in the air. It was difficult to go to baby showers (there were a lot of them that year) and not shout 'We're trying too!!' Boy am I glad I didn't...

Fast forward two years and we're on our first real break. Not just a 'I'm taking this month off for a deep breath', but the I want nothing to do with baby-talk for the next few months. I need to find me again. J and I are just as strong as ever. We still hold hands in the grocery store and snuggle as we fall asleep at night. We're good, really good in fact. It's me that is off.

I talked to J last night and I've decided to start seeing a therapist. Mrs.S has some issues (like all of a sudden talking in 3rd person) and they need to be worked through. Dealing with infertility is a huge part of that. Stress at work (I now do 2.5 peoples jobs with little to no support). My weight (I hate you PCOS) is another. If I am super careful about what I eat I can maintain, but the second I step out of line, I gain. To the tune of 10lbs this summer, most of which was gained the later part of August and September - after I stopped taking meds. When I get home in the evenings I can barely leave the couch. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I get these random burst of energy, but that still leaves my house a disaster. It's time I take my own advice and seek the guidance of a professional. We'll see how that goes, I'll report back.

Two years later and I'm a little more grown up, a lot more jaded, and I'm ready to look for help. I just can't do it all on my own.

Less Pressure

I saw a couple of friends from high school last week. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. We had a nice lunch and it was really fun catching up. Since I am the only one of the three of us that is married, inevitably the question came up - 'When are you and J going to have babies??'

My mind is in such a better place right now. Gone, for the moment, is the bitter and jaded. I knew both mentally, and emotionally for once, that they were asking because they loved us and thought us having babies was an excellent idea. I wasn't upset at all. While I didn't go into a long drawn out 'We've been trying with little success' explanation, I did say that having babies won't be quite as easy for us. That because of something I have called PCOS we'll more than likely need to have some intervention, because I don't have 'regular' cycles. But, that we both would love to have children. And I left it at that. One of them said that she was sorry to hear that and she knows we'll just appreciate what we have that much more, once it happens.

I talked about it. Without tears. To someone other than my husband, mom, or BFF.

I'm just going to go ahead and mark that one in the win column. J and I chatted recently and decided that should it come up in conversation with our friends or family that we're going to talk about it. We're not going to walk into a party with everyone we know and make a grand announcement or anything, but when the subject comes up and the time is right, we're done living in the closet. With some we'll probably be more vague, like I was with the girlfriends I haven't seen in awhile, and with others (J's parents? ::shudder::) they probably won't let us off the hook that easy. We're lucky to have a big network of family and friends and have a couple extra positive thoughts/vibes/prayers out there certainly isn't going to hurt anything. I'm prepared now to take on the bad advice and stupid things people say because I know they're just trying to help. (remind me of this when I want to pull my hair out or hide from my MIL - kthanks)

Maybe there is something to this 'relax' business? (Please don't beat me up.) I certain feel better. I needed this break and I know I'm not ready for it to end yet. For now I'm going to focus my energy on continuing to get healthy and on sending my thoughts and prayers to all of you. Those that are in the middle of treatments, just getting started, and those that already have that precious cargo on board. Love and hugs to you all. I'm pulling for you!

Uncle

I give.

Instead of this appointment confirming my progress and ending with a shot in my ass, it showed that my follicles had not grown at all. In fact, they were smaller. To say I was crushed is an understatement. No trigger. No IUI.

Doc Oc apologized. We discussed my inconsistent responsiveness to the Femara. He said that he didn't think that there was anything further he could do for me except to give me the card of a doctor (RE) he works closely with at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. He felt that I am 'more complicated' and could benefit from a more aggressive treatment than he could provide. The great part about seeing this OB was that basically everything was covered by my insurance. The RE? Not a chance.

Folks, I got dumped.

There is a big difference between planning to take a break if this cycle doesn't pan out and having the cycle cut short without really ever having a chance. My heart hurts. My eyes are welling up as we speak. That 20 minute drive home, knowing my husband is waiting. Knowing that he's waiting for me to come home and tell him the plan. When is our IUI appointment? What does he need to be prepared for? Those were the questions I went in to the office with today. Questions I still don't have the answer to.

This is where I cry uncle. I feel defeated and beat down. That doesn't quite even cover it. More like I feel drawn and quartered. My heart is in a vice. I called Rachel when I left the office today and bawled. Her advice was to take the time I needed to mourn the close of this particular chapter. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing - mourning. Mourning the loss of those three little follies that never came to be. The IUI I never got to have. Another month where I could not make my lovely and amazing husband a father.

It is time for us to take a break. To take a giant deep breath and reset. No more doctors appointments, medications, copays, pee sticks, etc. For now. Make no mistake, while we plan to take a good break, we'll be back. Wiser, more prepared, and well rested. Watch your back IF/PCOS. You may have won the battle, but we're going to win this damn war.

Heart to Heart

I had a heart to heart, with myself, last night as I tried to go to sleep. I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn't settle down.

If I get a BFN tomorrow, I am going to be very sad. I am always sad when each cycle doesn't work out. But, what I lay in bed thinking about last night was my goals/to-do lists. I made two. One set if we get a BFP, and another if we don't.

BFN
1. I must get back to working out regularly. The gym sucks. I will never be a huge fan. However, I do really like how much better I feel when I'm getting more regular exercise and YOGA. Oh how I desperately miss my yoga.

2. Save money. We have had quite a few expenses come up this summer. Fixing up our kitchen and now waiting to find out what the dog is going to cost us are the two biggest ones. We still have a decent savings, but it isn't anywhere near where I'd like it to be. I need to get us back on a bit more of a conservative budget.

3. Get more focused on my healthy diet. Refocus on my carbs (I've slacked a bit) and begin planning better meals. We've gotten so busy that we're throwing things together on the fly. We've all been there and we know that it often means you don't eat what's best for you.

BFP
1. Cry

2. Gather myself for one more day of work before my extra long weekend.

3. See BFN's 1-3

4. Make an entirely different, much more complicated, to-do list.

What will be, will be. There isn't anything I can do to change it now. I just pray that this time it will be different. Please let this be our time.

The one where I over analyze everything.

I don't have any clue what to expect from this cycle. Typically I have a solid feeling one way or the other. I'm either very optimistic (that hasn't happened in awhile) or I just know it isn't our time yet. There is only the rare time where I started so early that I didn't have a chance to prepare any opinion. This cycle? I swing back and forth every 30 seconds or so and that is about how often I'm thinking about it.

My boobs are sore. Typically pregnancy symptom, but also something I usually have as a warning AF is on her way.

I'm 'crampy'. But, it isn't crampy in the traditional period cramp way. Twinges and mild discomfort might be a better way to describe it. Almost like light gas pains, but lower.

::YAWN:: I'm tired. But then again, I'm always tired. Especially since I had a bachelorette party to go to on Saturday.

Cranky Crankersons. Yesterday we got into an argument about arguing. Started out as a discussion regarding what to do with our dogs this weekend (we'll be camping and we're not sure exactly what to do with Harley). It was silly and I couldn't stop thinking about it as I was trying to go to sleep. Why was it such a big deal (at the time) to me?

Other than that I alternate between a calm 'what will be will be' attitude and glaring at the clock bidding it to move faster. Two more days and I'll finally test. I probably could test tomorrow at 12dpo, but I will give it until Wednesday anyway. I've already waited this long.

Now I'm just not sure what to think. Maybe I will focus on making a list of all that things that need doing at work and home so that I will be sufficiently distracted (yeah right) for the next two days.

::deep breath::

Almost there.

O-Day

Similar to D-Day, but... not.

I have never before had more of the 'classic' ovulation symptoms. Yesterday I was a royal CM mess and could feel very minor discomfort/twinges in my lady-bits region. This morning, almost exactly 36 hours later (which I didn't notice until it happened)I am having some mild cramping. Not the sucky/throbbing AF kind, but a bit sharper and more localized (if that makes any sense at all!).

Is this what it is like to be a function female member of our species!?

I'll take it!

Here we begin another round of the longest two weeks of my life. Thank god I have plenty to keep me busy or it wouldn't matter if I ovulated because I would have spontaneous combusted from the waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Oh, and sometime remind me of the HILARIOUS story of where I sent R a picture of my VERY clearly positive OPK and she nearly shit herself. SO. FUNNY.

Happy Friday-Eve! I'll 'see' you later for my next instalment of Thankful Thursday. Love ya!

Midcycle Success

Best. Midcycle. Check.

Yup, that's right, I have growing thriving follies down there! Two, that are HUGE compared to any others I've ever had. Ever. Especially since it is only cd12. One on the left and one on the right.

I would like to take a moment of silence. ::moment::

Now: Double WOOT!!

Dr. Wrong (who I may have to admit already needs a new nickname) got right down to dildo cam business. Immediately we found a 18mm follicle on one side and 19ish on the other.

J and I chatted and decided that we wanted to do another timed-sex cycle instead of pursuing the IUI this cycle. It was important that we know that we did all we could to make this as 'natural' as possible. So, we're going it au-natural again this cycle.

We did decide that we were going to trigger again just to have a bit more control over timing. However, not a single pharmacy in our area has it in stock! I will have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up. 36 hours after that and we'll be getting down to business, as they say. (Whoever 'they' is...)

So, here we go! Wish me luck!

Update On My Date With Dr. Wrong

My doctor was in surgery yesterday so I got another chance to hang with Dr. Wrong. I have to give her credit, she was much more patient and collaborative this time. She would not refill my prescription without a scan, so I went in and got checked out. Everything was fine. Sweet!

We discussed the potential early ovulation and basically decided that even if I did, it wasn't a great response. We're going forward with the 7.5mg dosage on cd 3-7. I asked about the difference between taking the Femara on days 3-7 vs. 5-9. She mentioned that moving forward the dosage is a more aggressive approach. It is essentially equal to upping the dosage. So, we're doing both!

I did have to take my first blood pregnancy test to 'be certain' that I wasn't pregnant before we started the next cycle. This was because the bleeding was not as heavy as typical, I started so early, and I didn't have any of my usual PMS symptoms. BFN, of course.

I am going to begin using my OPK's earlier this month and call if I get a positive before my day 12 scan. Otherwise I am going to cross my fingers and pray that in 10 days I've got a few big fat follicles and am ready for IUI. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the long holiday weekend.

Happy Fourth!

I think she was wrong.

I'm not a fan of Doc Oc's fill in, who will henceforth be known as Dr. Wrong. She seems to quickly get me in-out without much discussion and evaluation. This time, I think she may have missed something. Here's how my cycle went down:

CD13 - Visited with Dr. Wrong - Good thick lining, a few larger follicles that 'aren't ready', we schedule a follow up on CD17

CD17 - lining had thinned, a number of follicles but they are small, she declares that I did not respond to the Femara. She recommended a check at CD2-3 to get another look at the ol' bits. I would take my meds CD3-7 (instead of 5-9) and we would up the dosage to 7.5mg

My OPK's from CD13 through now have gotten lighter and lighter. Know what today is? CD1. AF came early. I suppose she wanted to be here for the holidays. That means a 22 day cycle. Know what I think? I think I ovulated early. It would be the second time that has come up. (If you recall, I had this same experience the cycle before last.) It would make sense considering the lay of the land on CD13. It looks like I could have been on the downward side. If I ovulated on CD 11 or 12, it would be early, but it would be a much better explanation considering the early end to my cycle. Any other thoughts out there?

I called the doctors office (Doc Oc is back this week!) and I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. Here's what I'm proposing (either over the phone, or if I can get in for that CD2-3 appt - great timing with the holiday, no?)...

Up my dosage to the 7.5mg as Dr. Wrong suggested. Even when I did respond in a timely fashion last cycle, it wasn't the greatest. Discuss whether or not I should take it 3-7 or 5-9. (What is the difference? I need to understand that better.) Schedule an earlier 'midcycle' scan and start my OPK's earlier than I feel like I need to. That way even if it isn't 'early' this month I can know for certain.

That's my game plan peeps. Having that 'Ah ha!' moment while I sat on the toilet staring down at red panties on CD23 did dull the ache in my heart at another cycle lost. Please let this be another step towards progress. Please.

Upcoming Dr Visit

This Monday I will be back to the doctor. Doc Oc is on vacation (again!), so I will be seeing another one of the docs in his office that he has trained. I saw her last month and liked her fine.

If I have developing follicles again this month, J and I are almost positive we'll be doing IUI. Has anyone had this procedure? Can you give me the details on what it was like? I've done some reading, but I would be very interested in a personal account. I'm nervous. I'm not really sure why. I'm nervous I won't have responded again, I'm nervous about the IUI, and I'm nervous that the IUI won't work. Nerves, nerves, nerves!

I think I'm going to make myself a massage appointment and try to relax. Thankfully we've got so much going on at home (kitchen facelift!) that I'm sufficiently distracted once I get home. Work on the other hand? I've been spending so much time working solo at my desk that my mind has entirely too much time to wander.

Here we go again!

Next Steps.

I had a visit with Doc Oc this morning. It went great! I had one follicle at just over 18mm - Perfect! He didn't even bother to look for that second, smaller follicle, because this one was good enough.

"Ready for a shot?"

I've never said yes to that question faster in my life!

I am happy that we're finally moving forward, even a little bit. This small step, me with my 18mm follicle, ready to ovulate, feels like a huge step. Forward. I finally feel like that is the direction we're headed in. Progress. I'm loving that. I feel good.

So, I'm sitting here with a sore hip. The needle didn't hurt a bit, but boy did it leave its mark. I'm tender! And I couldn't be happier about it.

Speaking of happy, that is exactly what my husband is going to be after the next couple of days. ;)

Notes from my date with the dildo cam.

We (Doc Oc, J, and I) decided that our mid-cycle follicle check should be earlier this month. This was because last month I was seen on day 13 and it appeared that I had already ovulated. So, that's why I'm on CD10 and getting friendly with the dildo cam.

Let's back up for a moment. Up until the month before last my follicles haven't developed at all. They've stayed at approx. 7-9mm (my 'baseline'). Two months ago I did get a rogue folli that at CD15 was a whopping 12mm. I don't know what they were last month because we were too late. Doc Oc wants to see them at about 19-20mm before we trigger.

J wasn't able to make it today, so I was flying solo this time. And guess what? I have two follicles on my right side that are 'serious contenders'! This is the first time I've been a contender for anything. The larger of the two measured at 15mm and the smaller at 12mm and it's only day 10! My lining was on the thin side, so I'm at least a few days away before I could ovulate and be triggered. (My lining has always been very thick by midcycle, it's the only thing I've ever had going for me.)

Monday I go back to take another look around and see how it's going. If they're healthy and progressing the smaller should be between 15-18mm and the larger between 18-21mm. So, if all goes well, I have injections next week.

I am cautiously optimistic. J and I will be discussing next steps this weekend. If we get far enough to trigger, we need to decide if we'll be timing sex, or going forward with IUI.

Do we go forth and attempt to make at least a part of this process 'natural'? Or do we not waste this opportunity and go forward with the best odds? We will talk it out and I will let you know where we end up.

CD1. Again.

Yup, I started my period.

Why?

Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?

How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.

When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)

I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.

We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.

I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.

So much for curing my emotional instability today.