Wednesday, May 12, 2010

CD1. Again.

Yup, I started my period.


Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?

How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.

When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)

I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.

We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.

I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.

So much for curing my emotional instability today.


  1. I am so, so sorry. That is the worst possible feeling, and I hurt for you. I pray that you get your BFP soon.

  2. So sad for you have every right to feel angry and upset. I will be praying that you have the courage and strength to continue trying and that your time will soon come!!

  3. I'm sorry. I know the feeling and I'm hurting for you. Praying for you, hang in there.

  4. I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm not going to give you words of encouragement or try to boost your spirits today. Sometimes we need to wallow in it so that we don't go completely numb. So we don't close ourselves off to protect ourselves month after month. It hurts. It sucks. Imagine me giving you a HUGE hug right now.