I was thinking about my blog last night and how i feel as though I'm lacking direction or a real 'identity'. I'm fairly certain that the few people that drop by probably already know I'm a nutter because my thoughts are never clearly organized and my moods are all over the place.
I think where my blog struggles is that it is fairly anonymous. Because I have chosen not to put my face (which is less resembling pizza every day I might add) on my blog, maybe that is just how it will have to be?
I was asked once why I chose to have an anonymous blog and if it was because of our IF struggles. The answer is yes, and no. Yes, the blog is anonymous because of our struggles. There are a few other elements that play into it as well. I discuss openly my weight, state of my ladybits, and other things I consider personal. The reason for the anonymity though is because I didn't want people in my real life judging or pitying me. Sad as that may seem I wanted a safe place to lay it all out there without one of my employees, or my mother in law, finding it.
Judgement and pity are part of IF. I know that most good people try not to, but you can see it in their eyes and even worse in their voice on the phone. I want people in my life to treat me as they always have and for the most part let me worry about feeling sorry for myself, without having to also feel bad that you feel bad. (Did that make sense at all!? lol) I want to be clear though that it is not because I am ashamed. It is not that I am embarrassed of myself, or my PCOS/Infertility.
Maybe someday I will change my mind. While I am proud to see some of my old bump peeps like Blair and Jessica sky rocket in readers and top the charts on Top Mommy Blogs, I'm just not ready to go all in yet. (Not that I would ever be able to write and entertain like the two of them anyway!)
So for now, thank you to the few that drop by. For allowing me this place to be myself, without having to out myself. These 230 or so posts have been 230 occasions where I've had a safe place to get whatever was on my mind, off my mind. I cannot express how much burden that relieves.
P.S. Tomorrow I test. Eeps!