Friday, April 30, 2010

Chubby Check In

So, I've felt defeated with my plateau lately so I haven't really been discussing my weight too much. Because, well because it hadn't really changed a lot. It'd hit my plateau, the same one I've had for two fricken years now, and I wasn't going anywhere. Gym 4 days a week and softball on Sundays? BAH - no dice.

Remember how I started talking about carbs earlier this week? Well I'll be damned if watching my carbs hasn't been the kick in the pants I needed! Weight this morning? 192, that's 3 lbs since Tuesday! O.M.G. Now, I know this won't always be the case, and the majority is probably water weight. (I'm not sure how I can lose any water weight since I'm drinking like a camel, but whatevs!) But, you know what? I don't care! I'll take whatever I can get. I'm almost to my biggest loser goal of being under 190. SO close.

The fact that I have achieved that during this incredibly stressful work week. I'm really proud of myself. It was all I could do to not walk in the door last night and head straight for the ice cream I know is in my freezer. But, I didn't. Nope, I kicked ass.

This week hasn't been all bad. I've lost a few lbs (FINALLY!), I think I may have ovulated (FINALLY!), and it's Friday. I survived it all. And since I've been SO good, I think I've earned myself a glass of red wine tonight at dinner with our pals.

Dr Visit 2.0

Doc Oc is almost certain that I ovulated early this month! My lining is very thick, the fluid (from the cyst that held MY egg!) had been obsorbed. Of course we won't know for certain until A) I'm knocked up, we had pretty excellent timing I might add; B)I have another 24-25 day cycle.

Should this not be our month, I am going to take the Femara again next month. I will start charting again next month, as well as using my OPK's a couple of days early. I didn't start using OPK's until Monday (CD12) because I was out. Monday and Tuesday I had very solid second lines, but there were not darker than the control. They have progressively lightened up all week. Take that for what it's worth.

Of course even if I did ovulate, we have only about a 15-20% chance of conceiving. More importantly though I feel like we finally have a little bit of progress!

We're 5ish days into our 2WW, so fingers crossed peeps. I will keep thinking pregnant thoughts and potentially looking up a few old-wives tales just for fun.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dr Visit Updates

Well, I'm not really sure where to start. The appointment didn't exactly go where I'd hoped. I still have no definitive answers.

I had a good feeling about this appointment. For one, I took my meds as prescribed (doh!) and I had more CM yesterday then probably the collective group in the OBGYN waiting room. Can't be bad, right? Wrong. My cysts were smaller than they've ever been. Really!? Smaller!? NOTE TO FOLLICLES: SMALLER IS THE WRONG DIRECTION.

So, my doc (AKA Doc Oc - because he kind of looks like the Spiderman villain. No, he really does!) has two theories:

1. I've already ovulated. There was a decent amount of fluid (whatever that means! I forgot to ask, so I wrote it down to ask him when I see him Thursday - more on that in a sec) which typically isn't present until after ovulation. I also had what I think I remember him calling a triple-stripe, which essentially means my lining looked excellent, which would also lead him to believe I was very close to ovulating (had my follicles been developed) or I already had. This would mean I ovulated around day 10-11. That is really early, however it would help explain my short cycle last month (24 days) and two months before that.

2. I didn't respond AT ALL to the Femara. I gave Doc Oc my confession about not taking the meds right. He said there can be a bit of adjustment before the meds will do their job, and usually he likes to give that two cycles. Since I screwed the proverbial pooch last month, he would want to see me take them again next cycle if we're not pregnant.

Because of this uncertainty he wants to see me again Thursday. Do another ultrasound and see what the old lady bits look like. He said that he would like to do this comparison because he's curious and wants to figure me out. He's not even going to charge me for the visit, I'm coming in at the end of his day. He's nice and supportive, I like him.

I also chatted with Doc Oc about diet and exercise. I told him that I have a fellow PCOS'er that told me that carbs were evil for someone with PCOS and I asked his opinion. He completely agreed. He went into this rather long, but nicely dumbed down, explanation about how increased insulin production can inhibit your pancreas from sending your ovaries the right messages regarding ovulation, etc. Managing your carbs helps to regulate your insulin, thus chilling your pancreas the hell out. If I 'must' eat something heavily carbed, he suggested exercise after that meal to help in digestion. I asked if I should be using any particular 'diet', like South Beach and he said SB would be excellent. He also mentioned that he isn't concerned about me being a specific number on the scale. He wants me to be practicing good nutrition and getting my exercise. (See, he's great, right!?)

We talked briefly about other options. He suggested getting a consult from an RE. Even chatted a bit about IVF, how it works, and if we'd be open to a procedure like that. Overall we had a really excellent conversation. I'm so glad to have a doctor we can talk to. He's really open and honest, but does a great job soliciting our opinions as well.

Thursday I return for another date with the dildo cam. Part of me feels much better having more tools (the diet part) and part of my feels so defeated for going another month without answers.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

National IF Awareness Week

In my attempts to put together something meaningful for NIAW, I have done a pretty significant amount of reading. I share frequently where I'm at with our journey, but today I wanted to give you some additional resources that you may, or may not, be aware of.

Stirrup Queens - This website has a tremendous amount of information. This is where I got the details on IF Common Thread that I shared a couple weeks ago.

The National Infertility Association - they provide a number of tools for IF education as well as a home to the official NIAW site.

The most important links I can provide are those to other mommy(wannabe) bloggers like me.

Buckin - Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers
Jenny - What the Blog
Mrs. Joe - The Soapscum Avenger
Jessica - The Southern Belle Baby (who I might add has successful defeated the IF devil and has the most adorable son ever!)

I know there are many many more. These are just the ones that I happen to frequent most. If I missed you, please leave your blog info in the comments and I will add to this list.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to have a voice. A safe non judgemental place where I can just be me and feel whatever it is I'm feeling. If I can 'advertise' other women doing the same, then I will.

On the Stirrup Queen's site they had a project for NIAW. They provided a list of questions and asked that you pick one, or make up your own, and take it back to your own blog to answer it. Here it goes...

What if I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not (from Cathy)?

I'm not angry and bitter and sad every day. However, those days to occur and I would be hugely remiss to deny that fact. The issue here, as I interpret it, is bigger than that. And I'd like to answer it in two ways.

1. How can I learn to be happy again with my life as it is? I'm trying really hard to continue to live my life. Travel, love my husband, go out with my wonderful friends. To be 25 and living. Appreciative of my health and the opportunities provided to me. I think this is what has kept me from slowly driving myself insane. You never forget. The fact that you're struggling with IF is never completely out of your mind. But, over time you learn to try to focus on other things, at least for the majority of the time.

2. When do you stop trying and accept what hand you were dealt? This is the other way I read the question. I have a much harder time with this. There are definitely days when I'm frustrated and scared and I'm not sure I can keep doing this. Keep disappointing myself. To keep failing month after month after month. When do you sit back, stop taking the meds, visiting the doc, and just let nature take its course. Unfortunately, I don't know the answer to that question. I know that we're not there yet. That I'm not done fighting for my desire to have a family of more than two (and a couple of cute pups). I am determined to make my husband a father. To bring the laughter and love we share every single day to the life of a little person. To contribute to the growth and development of our next generation. I never want to completely lose my faith, but someday my faith may have to turn into letting nature take its course. I have friends that have taken this path and it has worked out for some and others have, on the surface at least, moved on with their lives. I cannot predict where my path will take me, but I can tell you that I will stay here (like it or not! :)) and share my story. With the hope that maybe I will impact even one person like the ladies I listed above have impacted me.

Please spread the word this week. IF affects so many couples and so many more know nothing about the statistics or the things they can do to prevent some of these struggles. I knew an embarrassingly small amount about reproduction and about my body when J and I started down this path over 19 months ago. I have learned SO much about my body and this community I now belong to. I hope that I (and you!) can help bring that same education to other women that may be just starting out.

**Side note: Please leave me your email if you're interested in the common thread bracelet! I'll write and get your address.**

Monday, April 26, 2010


Tomorrow evening we have our doctors appointment to determine if I have any follicle development. If you have any spare positive vibes or prayers, please send them my utes direction. I'm praying and hoping that because I actually took my meds correctly this month (::headslap!::) that there will be some progress. Some notable, sizable, progress.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do next. Let's just hope we don't have to figure that out!

Friday, April 23, 2010


I have found that through the process of 'dealing' with our Infertility I can handle most things. The pills can be hard to swallow (literally and metaphorically speaking), but I-I should say we since I clearly don't do this alone- can and am handling it. We move forward, make plans, change plans, alter course, talk and talk, cry, but we move forward.

There are these moments. These points in time where nothing is going to possibly stand in my way, other points where I'm not sure I can do it any more, and a thousand other feelings and emotions in between. I try to acknowledge each of them and make sure that I am learning as I travel along this unfortunate journey. But sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself.

I think I'm about to embarass myself on a few levels, but sharing my story is what this is all about right?

So, I was watching Army Wives (go ahead and tease). There was this moment when one of the wives, Roxy, was venting about all of the worries she had - work, money, car, baby, etc. She slipped the 'baby' part in to a friend that didn't know yet that she was expecting. And I cried. (embarassing fact #2) It was not even a particularly moving scene, or even one of much importance. There was just this overwhelming feeling of self-pity. (embarassing fact #3 - Army Wives makes me feel sorry for myself...)

Am I EVER going to have the opportunity to say the words 'I'm pregnant'. Will I be able to sit down at lunch with a friend and slip in the fact that there is a baby on the way and see if she notices, just for fun? Will I get to stand infront of a table of my friends, like Roxy does at the end of the episode, and explain that while they're toasting with beer and wine, I'll be drinking water? Have my friends jump up and down and celebrate the growth of my family?

So, again, I cried. AGAIN. I swear one day my tear ducts are just going to up and quit on me. 'Screw you Bitch, I'm done putting in these long hours.' And walk out the door. How do I stop making mountains out of mole hills? To stop allowing these 2 second minor moments, comments from unsuspecting people, a silly tv show, impact me in such a large way?

The best way I can describe it is it is like I am going around-and-around on the merry go round and my head is starting to swim.

Is this where you tell me to start seeing someone? Am I not talking about it enough? Am I all pent up or something? Most of the time I consider myself a fairly smart girl. Why don't I know what to do with myself most days? Please point me in the direction of the closet psych ward and I'll start walking.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thankful Thursday

1. My Husband. I know I've included him in TT's of the past, but this Saturday is his birthday and I'm feeling a little extra appreciative for having such a wonderful person in my life. He takes such good care of me, supports me in whatever it is I'm doing and is the reason I get up and face another day. I honestly do not know of a better man, or person, in my world. He is kind, generous, and loyal. He's totally the boy scout that helps little old ladies cross the street and help a buddy haul gravel. Babe, I know you don't stop by here often, but if you do I love ya more than life itself. Happy Birthday.

2. Vanpool. I live approx 35 miles from work and the traffic in my area can turn that into about an hour, give or take, of hell. Thankfully I meet up with some other peeps from work and we commute together in a van. I don't even have to drive. That leads me to #3...

3. Naps. Since the pup has entered our lives my sleep is hit or miss. I am an 8 hours a night kind of gal (I know this will change when we have babes...). Since I don't have to drive to and from the office, and I have the invaluable talent of being able to sleep ANYWHERE, I get 1.5 naps a day. Got. To. Have. My. Naps. They're priceless and I'm pretty certain they're what keep me from jumping off my building.

4. I love this site. It has really helped me hold myself accountable for counting calories (it has every food imaginable in their list!), tracking how much water I drink, my weight, and even recording how many calories I'm burning during my workouts. I find that I think twice about what I'm going to eat if I know I have to record it someplace.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Full Circle

The only constant part of TTC is everything is a circle. Your cycle starts and ends with AF. Your emotions are high and hopeful and then low and sad and then right back to high. This is what I try to focus on when I'm in the low part. One day the hope will return, my spirits will be higher and that pain of another failed cycle will return to the usual dull ache in my mind and heart.

As far as AF goes, she wasn't too bad this month. Perhaps it was her way of making it up to me considering she was 4/5 days early. She wasn't heavy, cramping was mild, etc. I'm now on CD5 and the first day of my Femera meds for this cycle. Let me just say, officially for the record, that I am an IDIOT. Yes, while most already know this and I've made that fact fairly obvious over time, I'm about to carve it in stone. I didn't take my meds correctly last month. Yes, I sabotaged our chances and I hate myself for it. I was supposed to take 2 pills a day and I was only taking 1. EFF! I don't know why I didn't realize it until yesterday, I mean I knew there were 'extra' pills left. I guess in the back of my mind I remembered the doc saying if could take a couple of months for my body to respond so I thought he filled it for a couple of months. Nope, I was only taking 2.5mg instead of 5. I.D.I.O.T. Why on God's green earth am I breeding!? So, I apologize in advance for my contributing to the downfall of our next generation.

Now that I have that off my chest... For some reason I am feeling very optimistic about this cycle. I've previously discussed my ability to get my hopes up, but this feels different. I feel prepared. Maybe it is because I had partial results last month and I wasn't even taking the full dose of my meds (::headslap!::), I don't know for sure. I guess instead of feeling hopeful, I would call my current feeling confident. And I have to say it has been a long time, if ever, that I have felt any form of confidence during this process.

I have my midcycle appointment next Tuesday (4/27). Here we go again.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not so thankful.

While I am appreciative of taking time to acknowledge the things/people in my life I am thankful for, today has turned into a day I am not thankful for at all.

First of all, I didn't sleep for more than two hours last night. Miss Lacey, our sweet and lovable pup, decided that she was going to party like it was 1999 allllll niiiiiiggghhht long. She just did not want to be in her crate. I do my best to ignore her unless she needs to go potty (we can usually tell that cry from all the others) because we don't want to train her to know that we'll let her out if she barks or whines. But when it goes on for HOURS I had to do something. I got up after about an hour or so of listening to it the first time and brought her downstairs (I waited until she stopped barking for a bit). I played with her, wrestled around, let her out, etc. After about an hour I brought her back up to her crate. She was good for about 5 minutes (long enough for me to doze off) and she started in again. UGH. I got back to sleep just after 3 and I get up at 3:50. Sucky.

Don't get me started on the work drama today. I will just say that people need to worry more about themselves and grow the eff up!

Not an hour after my TT post below I took a trip to the restroom. Did my business, wiped, stood up and buckled my pants, turned to flush and noticed the red toilet paper. F*&%!! Yes, that's right, I do believe AF has shown up almost a week early. Lovely.

So for all that I am thankful for, today is not high on the list.

Thankful Thursday

I cannot believe Thursday is here again already! I'm having kind of a long and rough week (anybody want to volunteer to stay up with my pup when she wants to party from 10:30 - 2:30AM??), so it is good timing to take a minute and chat about all that I'm thankful for.

1. I am employed. My job is incredibly frustrating right now. Like most everyone else we're being asked to do more with less. Unfortunately for managers that makes everyone on your team a little pissy. So now I need to do more, manage more, put up with more, etc. However, I am fortunate in that unlike so many I am collecting a reasonably decent paycheck every two weeks and am able to pay my bills.

2. My dogs are now the best of friends! At first Harley (who is 6 1/2) didn't want too much to do with our baby Lacey. Mostly he just avoided her. Starting this week they are snuggling, playing for hours on end, he'll even let her clean his ears and he'll give up his toys. They're really sweet. It warms me heart.

3. Working from Home. I am fortunate in that every other Friday I get to work from home. It allows me a chance to catch up on a lot of my administrative tasks, thus allowing me to be more 'present' when I'm in the office. 8+ hours of uninterrupted time are priceless. Save your drama for Monday unless it can be handled over the phone or via email!

4. My Mom and Sister. When J and I got home from our trip on Sunday my house was SPOTLESS. They had vaccuumed, organized my hall closet, cleaned the kitchen, washed all the sheets, etc etc etc. I almost cried I was so relieved not to have to worry about it after being in the car all day.

What are you thankful for today?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Infertility's Common Thread

I know that I've mentioned her before, but if you still haven't visited Jenny's blog What the Blog?, go ahead and do it now. I'll wait...

Jenny was incredibly generous and gave away a book that she'd read and wanted to share with another woman suffering from IF. I won this giveaway and true to her word, she mailed me the book. The book is Navigating the Land of IF (check out the blog here). I've only had to opportunity to read bits of it and I feel like it has some great information. As valuable as it has been to me thus far, I am interested in my family and friends (that know about our journey) reading this book. Perhaps it can help to further IF education as well as prevent some unnecessary bumps in our communication or relationships.

Jenny also sent me a bracelet along with the book. It is braided red thread and I love it. I put it on that first day and I won't take it off. I would now like to do the same for you. If you're interested in receiving this bracelet, leave me a comment with your email and I will write and get your address and send you one from yours truly. Please take a moment to read this and educate yourself a bit further on the history of Infertility's Common Thread. I love the idea behind this movement and would love to see it continue.

Thanks again, Jenny!


I'm sorry that I've been slacking on the blog writing. We were on vacation, but more than that I've not had a lot to talk about. I'm feeling a little worn out and numb. Last months doctor visit had me sobbing when I had not follicle development. This month? Not a tear. 'Okay' was my response. I feel like I've been standing in the same place for almost two years. I do not like this place we have arrived in. This passive acceptance of the hand that we've been dealt. This lack of progress. I don't feel at all anymore like we are moving forward towards a goal. I feel more like we're treading water and trying desperately not to drown.

It's because of this state of 'blah' that I've not really been talking about it much. There aren't any new developments, it is just business as usual around here. Being on vacation for a week really helped as a distraction, but it certainly didn't take long once we were home to get right back into my old groove.

I need to snap the hell out of it.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thankful Thursday

1. Spring Snow - the northwest is getting dumped on and considering we are spending the week in Whistler, we are LOVING it.

2. Good food - one of the people we are traveling with can cook. No joke, I'm fairly certain I've gained back all the weight I've lost eating baked mostacholi (sp!?), ribs, twice baked potatoes, salmon dips, brie, etc, etc, etc.

3. Wine - I have had some of the most delicious wine ever. I have some wino friends and I am definitely reaping the benefits.

4. Mountains - everywhere I look I have this beautiful view.

5. Vacation - I cannot tell you how badly I needed this time away. I am relaxed, we don't have to drive anywhere, I've not cooked a damn thing, there is amazing snow and we're doing a lot of adventuring.

6. Zip lines - AWESOMENESS. We did our first zip line today and we had an absolute blast!

7. My Mama - She is staying at our house while we're away and is watching our pooches. She's way too good to us.

8. Hot tubs - especially after a full day on the slopes. Speaking of which... I think that's where I'll go now...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Whistler, BC

Whistler is the greatest place on the face of the planet. Snow, snowboarding, beer, (expensive - UGH) yummy food, beautiful condo, good friends, and the wine.... oh the wine... ::swoon::

I am never ever coming home. Ever. From now on I will be blogging from Canada. ;) You know, until Sunday...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Interwebs, meet Lacey.

I am pleased to introduce to you our new furbaby:

Her name is Lacey and she is an 11 week old yellow lab. She is seriously the cutest, sweetest little thing you ever did see. I constantly am playing with her extra puppy skin. ::swoon::

A tiny bit of progress.

Today was my mid-cycle appointment to check on the progress of my follicle development. "That's not great progress" was my doctors words. However, he did say that this medication can take a few cycles to get the job done AND there was some progress. He said at this point in the cycle he would like to see me at 1.8cm and I was at about 1.2. That's still better than the .8/.9 I was at last month. So I'm going to mark this one in the win column. I will take any bit of progress I can get. At least I feel pointed in the right direction.

He did say that it is possible this cycle isn't completely shot. He wants me to keep using the OPKs because it is possible that I am gearing up to ovulate later than 'normal'. So, just like always, we'll just have to wait and see.

I wouldn't mind making a Whistler baby this week... ;)

(side note: fear not my friends, the dry spell has ended. i don't think i would have been able to survive much longer. ;) )

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Missing a key ingredient.

A crucial step in most baby-making formulas is currently missing in our lives.


I have not had sex with my husband in almost 4 weeks (not counting the one time we fooled around in the middle of the night last week, it didn't ever get wrapped up). I can say with almost certainty, that's a record.
We're both getting a little burnt out and when one is ready and raring to go, the other isn't feeling it, etc. J was sick, AF showed up, and then we adopted a puppy... there is always something.

There are some days when I'm just so tired that sex sounds like a chore. That's awful to say, but I hope it is just a phase. Another side effect of our IF battle.

Just another reason that I am looking forward to our vacation.

Friday, April 2, 2010

World's Easiest Weight Loss Trick...


I haven't had my hair cut since August and dear God it was awwwwful. Flat and lifeless. I'd completely forgotten that I'd been up since 3:45am when she lopped off the first 8 inches. It felt great to see all that crap fall to the floor.

It's adorable and fun and I really like the girl who cut my hair. If I have a chance, I will take a picture of the new do to share tomorrow.

The salon is seriously therapeutic. No more will I wait 6months to a year ever again.

It's about that time again.

It's time to start thinking fertile and follicle developing thoughts.

My ultrasound is Monday. It is then that the doctor will tell me if my follilces are responding to the Femara. He did tell me that it can take a couple of months to see results. I am keeping that in the back of my mind, not that it will bring me comfort if I need it.

I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts. To put that positivity into the universe, to make my intentions clear, blah blah blah. Basically, I'm trying to hold my shit together and think positive thoughts. Is it working? I'm trying. Hopefully my A for effort is enough.

Got a spare positive vibe? I would love it if you could send them by way of my lady bits.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thankful Thursday (Week 2)

Here we go again!

1. Lacey - my new pup. She is so sweet and lovable. Yes, she can be a PITA, and potty training is tough stuff, but damn it if she still isn't cute while she's causing trouble.

2. Working from home. Thankfully tomorrow I do not have to come into the office. It is nicely timed too because I have been anticipating my vacation (see #3) for weeks and one more day at the office might just put me over the edge.

3. VACATION. Even though it isn't here yet, just thinking about our trip brings me happiness. 6 days in Whistler. Have I mentioned that it is just DUMPING snow up there? We are going to have an amazing trip. 3 days of snowboarding, a hot tub on our balcony with a view of the mountains, good food, no work, sleeping in... you can bet your ass these will appear on next weeks addition of TT.

4. Sugar Free Rockstar - (See #1)

5. My new Banana Republic dress. A cute LBD I picked up a couple of weeks ago. I finally got to rock it this week and ya'll it is SO cute. love love love

6. One piece bathing suits that don't have skirts. I wanted to buy a new suit before our trip and as much as I despise suit shopping (especially when you've had a day filled with compliments on my cute new dress! that's a long way to fall), This one is cute and stylish. I described the dress to J and he was not impressed, much like most men are when you're talking about clothes you will be wearing and not clothes you'll be taking off. However, I tried it on to get J's opinion and his face was priceless. 'I really like it!' That made me feel much better.

Okay, so it wasn't a deep and meaningful list, but I don't have energy for deep this week. I'm all about survival. Talk to me after a week of R&R and then perhaps you'll get more than 'sugar free rock star'.

Is it too late to add another entry for the BR dress? Seriously, it is cuuuute! ;)