Monday, April 19, 2010

Full Circle

The only constant part of TTC is everything is a circle. Your cycle starts and ends with AF. Your emotions are high and hopeful and then low and sad and then right back to high. This is what I try to focus on when I'm in the low part. One day the hope will return, my spirits will be higher and that pain of another failed cycle will return to the usual dull ache in my mind and heart.

As far as AF goes, she wasn't too bad this month. Perhaps it was her way of making it up to me considering she was 4/5 days early. She wasn't heavy, cramping was mild, etc. I'm now on CD5 and the first day of my Femera meds for this cycle. Let me just say, officially for the record, that I am an IDIOT. Yes, while most already know this and I've made that fact fairly obvious over time, I'm about to carve it in stone. I didn't take my meds correctly last month. Yes, I sabotaged our chances and I hate myself for it. I was supposed to take 2 pills a day and I was only taking 1. EFF! I don't know why I didn't realize it until yesterday, I mean I knew there were 'extra' pills left. I guess in the back of my mind I remembered the doc saying if could take a couple of months for my body to respond so I thought he filled it for a couple of months. Nope, I was only taking 2.5mg instead of 5. I.D.I.O.T. Why on God's green earth am I breeding!? So, I apologize in advance for my contributing to the downfall of our next generation.

Now that I have that off my chest... For some reason I am feeling very optimistic about this cycle. I've previously discussed my ability to get my hopes up, but this feels different. I feel prepared. Maybe it is because I had partial results last month and I wasn't even taking the full dose of my meds (::headslap!::), I don't know for sure. I guess instead of feeling hopeful, I would call my current feeling confident. And I have to say it has been a long time, if ever, that I have felt any form of confidence during this process.

I have my midcycle appointment next Tuesday (4/27). Here we go again.


  1. I'm with you sweetie. confidence in this cycle (and the fear that I will be let down). And messing up my pills? yea, that sounds like something I would do too! LOL

    Fingers crossed!