Welcome to October ICLW!

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

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woulda coulda shoulda.

I would be 20 weeks this week.
I would presumably be half way through my pregnancy.
I could be sporting a cute baby bump and not only bloated from the weekends festivities.
I would more than likely know the gender if our child.
I should be shopping and planning a nursery.
I would be researching my birth plan.
I could be buying maternity dresses and flats.
I should be feeling my baby's first kicks and sharing these moments with my husband.

My life should be changing. Instead I feel stuck. I'm frustrated and sad. Trapped in this groundhogs day pattern. Wake up, work, gym, don't lose weight despite the 4 days you spend there, dinner, chores, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

My life coulda, woulda, shoulda been different.

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Still Undecided

Sorry I've been MIA so much, but there really hasn't been much to report. We've been too busy lately to really even talk about what our next steps are going to be. And none of it even matters because that dirty AF hasn't even shown up yet.

We have a lot going on in our lives right now with trying to sell our rental property, work, trying to make it to the gym 4 days a week, dealing with the insurance company (Jeremy was in a very minor bike accident - that was his fault), contemplating a career change - more on the job offer I received another time, dogs that need vet appointments, etc. You've heard about all of that before. So right now my focus is on getting us in order, taking care of our tasks at hand, and trying to sort things out.

Part of me wants to wait to get back to Seattle Reproductive until after I lose my 15lbs. The other part says that there is no time like the present. And until those two parts come to an agreement, we're kind of at a standstill. Except that the calendar didn't get the memo and the days keep ticking on by. 3 years of TTC is approaching really quickly and boy was I hoping this anniversary would pass a little differently. Instead of anxiously awaiting a gender scan early-mid next month, we'll be floating around Never Never Land trying to figure everything out.

Question for those of you who have had a miscarriage - how long was it before you got your next period? I don't really even know when to measure from since I was spotting for a few days before my miscarriage really started.

That was basically the long way of saying, I've got nothing to report. Wheels are still spinning. We're still working things out and we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

Back to "Normal"

I had a short and sweet visit with Doc Oc today. He checked my cervix, did a quick ultrasound to check out my uterus and lining, slapped me on the ass as he shoved me out the door. Okay, not quite, but close (of course minus the ass slapping part).

He did a quick exam to look at my cervix and said everything turned out great. In the ultrasound we could see my uterus was back to normal and my lining looked good. There was nothing leftover and no reason at all for concern. A+

He did recommend that I wait until my next natural period before we start trying again. I'm still not certain where I stand there, or if I'll be ready, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. He also said that he'll want to see me when I'm pregnant again at about 6 weeks. Let's hope that isn't too terribly far from now.

If I had to have a miscarriage, I am happy that I was able to do it on my own and that once things got started, they went smoothly for the most part. I've been praying for this and glad nothing got in my way of physical closure.

This weekend I am running away with my husband for a night. We've already booked massages and a gorgeous room at a hotel that looks over a waterfall. I'm really excited to this much needed getaway. I think we've earned it!

Yesterday Was Good

Yesterday I really felt like me. With the exception of a few crampy or painful moments, I felt more like myself than I have in weeks.

We hung out with our friends all day. We drove up into the mountains with the dogs and spent the afternoon. The dogs swam in the pond and chased each other around. I taught my girlfriend to drive the quad and we shot guns. Didn't know I had that much redneck in me, did you?

Let me tell you, shooting was phenomenal therapy. I picked up a rifle for the first time and I felt back on top of the world when I hit the target with the first shot. Especially when the boys hollared. Doing something better than the boys just does something for a competitive girls ego.

We went for ice cream, chatted on the long drive and in general kept things off my mind.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

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Almost Done?

I have no idea what's going on inside, but it appears I might almost be through the physical part of this miscarriage. I have an ultrasound this evening to be certain.

Wednesday night was horrible. I barely slept and spent the majority of the night in the bathroom. I was really grateful the on-call doc a few weeks ago called me in a prescription for pain medicine. I avoid taking them as much as possible, but it really helped take the edge off Wednesday night. There was a lot of pressure, aching, and that odd feeling to 'push' I've heard described before. A significant amount of blood (nothing I ever felt was dangerous) and a lot of tissue and clotting.

When I did get to lay down I couldn't get comfortable or sleep. Add to that I was afraid I would disrupt J even more. Every time he was conscious of me getting in/out of bed he would wake up, sit up, and ask me if I was okay, made sure I had my heating pad, etc. The poor guy had to work before dawn the next morning. After the meds kicked in late in the night (2:30 a.m. or so?) I wrapped myself in blankets and rested on the couch. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep.

There is still some bleeding, but it has gone down significantly since yesterday morning and Wednesday night. It was then that I'm fairly sure I passed the bulk of tissues. (sorry again for those that are sensitive...) I'm positive that I passed the sac. I was (irrationally?) afraid that I would see something that I could recognize. I wasn't sure how I would handle that. Thankfully, while this mass was certainly different looking and larger, it was nothing terrifying. For those curious, it was between the size of a cotton ball and a golf ball, if I had to guess. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but I was not further traumatized.

J is really ready to try again. He's convinced we'll get pregnant really quickly after this. In fact, he doesn't want to pick immediately back up at Seattle Reproductive. I agreed to wait a cycle before we went back, but I fear that he's getting his hopes up and has unrealistic expectations. I hate the idea that he could be disappointed again. We had a chat about it last night, but I'm not sure I swayed him. He's always so optimistic. It's one of the things I love about him.

Fingers are crossed that I'm on the downward slope. I'm ready to take steps to move forward. Ready and waiting.

Beginning of the End

Aren't you glad you come here for all of this uplifting and inspirational discussion?

Yesterday I gave you a little vent about how it was only Tuesday and it was amounting to a craptastic week. I had planned to go to bed early and forget it all happened. Remember that? Cause I barely do.

Instead, my miscarriage is starting. (for those sensitive to this topic, you may want to skip today's update. My feelings won't be hurt)

I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about the whole thing, because I knew it was coming. Somehow it is still managing to sweep me off my feet.

I originally started to type out all of the details, but really I don't think you want to hear all of the steps regarding its progression. I'm not certain where I am in the process. I haven't had any copious amount of bleeding, but I'm definitely not comfortable. I've also passed some tissue.

Also, I'm not really sure yet how I'm feeling. Numb might be the best way to describe it. Maybe that's because this has been coming on for so long? Who knows... I don't really feel like talking too much about it.

My best friend just saw her baby's heartbeat for the first time today. The last thing I want to do is put it out there and rain on her beautiful parade. She's already so worried about hurting me. I think that may be one of the hardest parts - watching your family and friends walk on eggshells around you. Not sure when to call or what to say.

Mostly, I just feel like being alone. Snuggled on the sofa in my sweatpants. Maybe mindlessly zoning out to Pinterest?

This wasn't a very cohesive or well organized post. I'm sorry, but I guess that's where I am right now. Thank you again and again for your positivity and prayers. Lots of love and hugs for each of you.

Moving Forward

As I've told my pals when they check in, I'm getting better - a small fraction each day.

I took yesterday off and spent the day with Jeremy. We vegged, went to Costco and generally took it easy. I had a great conversation with my boss on the phone yesterday and again today when I got back to the office. She's been through a miscarriage herself and told me a bit about their journey to have babes (she has three boys). It felt really good to have this chat and not break down. Score one for me.

While I am getting my shit together emotionally (for the most part - I still choke up when J checks in via phone and asks how I'm doing. Something about him not being by my side and that voice of his, it kills me every time) I am still very nervous for the actual miscarriage. I not even started spotting yet. I did spend most of the day nauseous and with other tummy troubles - but, I'll spare you the details. I'm not certain if I have a bug or if this is just the beginning of the end. I've tried drinking more water, I ate just in case I was hungry, nothin'. Even more than the physical pain is the emotional pain I fear. The realization that will hit all over again when the miscarriage actually starts.

I pray this goes smoothly. That it isn't long and drawn out. That I can get some peace.

My heart still aches when I think about what should have been. How unfair the whole world can be. But, I am working not to lose my hope. To focus on only to positives, no matter how much of a stretch they may be.

It's just one step at a time, one day at a time.

This Shit Sucks.

This whole stupid process sucks.

One day you're picking out the crib your mom says she'd like to buy you as a gift. Two days later you're staring at your chart online wondering how on earth your betas could be cut in half in those same two days. You get that same cut-in-half feeling in your heart when you look up at your husband and tell him its officially over.

The same husband you've seen play with your niece and run around with your friends kids. Seen idolized by the neighbor boy. The same one that holds you now as your cry, while he holds back his own tears so that he can be strong for you.

It's not fair.

It sucks.

To hear the pity in the words of those that try to console you. To read the words of people with good intentions, but without the most vague understanding of what you're going through. Who's tone in their voice and written words sting more because you know they're trying to help, but really now you just feel more guilt that more people feel bad.

I do feel loved. Each of you that has reached out to us, the messages I've received about understanding what we're going through, the love and the prayers... Those do make a difference. Some break my heart because what we're going through is unfortunately common. I hate that so many others suffer too. I pray that Sprout is up there now looking after all of your babies yet to be born and coaching them from the stands.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact we got pregnant at all. Trying to remind myself that Sprout wasn't healthy and this isn't a pregnancy or a child that would have been happy. That it isn't over for us and we can try again. And intellectually I understand all of those things. But it doesn't change the anger and the pain one bit.

All of this sucks.

The extra 4lbs I now have, of mostly bloat (I hope), and nothing to show for it.
My pizza face, which is now extra pizza like.
The cramping that started today.
Putting away the baby gift we received so that I don't have to see it sitting in what would have been the nursery.
Jeremy handing me the onesie I gave him the day we found out so that I can put it away too.
Telling our friends, who were so excited for us, that they're no longer going to be aunts and uncles.
Hearing my mom hold back her own tears so that she doesn't upset me further.
Going from celebrating with the other women you know that are also newly pregnant, to being scared of what it will be like to watch their healthy children grow and be born.
Putting away the sketches I'd made of nursery plans.
Not knowing what to do with the books on pregnancy I've been given. Do I keep them for 'someday' or give them back?
Looking at the anniversary card J gave me on Tuesday. The one addressed to Sweetpea +1. The same one where inside he wrote how excited he was to have our baby.
Being scared of what miscarrying will be like.
Thinking of how I will explain this to my boss.
Starting over.

I'm pissed and my heart is broken. I'm torn between wanting to give up for fear of ever having to feel this way again and not wanting to let whatever force in the universe it is that causes this pain win. But why me? What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? What did J do to have to suffer through all of this? Why us? Isn't there some crack head or woman on welfare that already has 14 kids you can pick on? We're good people. After 10 years we're closer than we've ever been and still madly in love. And even after only 7 weeks we loved our baby.