Up, But Not Enough.

Of course I cannot do anything the easy way. My betas were up, but not enough.

Thursday, 7/28 - 12,294
Wednesday, 8/3 - 12,935

In a week I should have seen those numbers double. I'm afraid Doc Oc was right - while we've seen progress in the scans, this doesn't appear to be a healthy developing pregnancy.

My next ultrasound is Friday, 8/12.

I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I'm crushed. I allowed my hope to crawl back up there only to get kicked off the ladder again. I feel horrible and guilty for feeling this way, but another small part of me is relieved. Don't confuse this - I am not relieved not to have a healthy Sprout. (double negatives anyone?) But, I am relieved to be finding some resolution and to step away from this crazy roller coaster.

Sprout has received an early promotion. He/She is going to be up there in the clouds, scouting all of the other babies. Finding us the perfect one. A sticky, healthy, chubby baby meant only for us. As soon as he/she is found, I know Sprout will send them to us. Sprout the Scout. I like that.

Our Sprout is a fighter. Clawing and battling all the way. I'm proud of my little Sprout for giving it all he/she had to give. Keeping that doctor, and his/her mama and daddy, on their toes. It's how I know that baby was mine - scrappy and stubborn as hell.

The Roller Coaster That is My Life.

Well, I've never been one to do anything the easy way. Why would my 'miscarriage' be any different??

Why the annoying little quotes? Let me back up a step, or five.

Last week left us here. With a beta of 8406. I spent the week mourning the loss of our sweet Sprout. I spoke with my nurse and a couple of doctors about our next steps. The game plan was to continue to get my betas done on a weekly basis to ensure I was working my way back down to zero in a timely and orderly fashion. Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

I was supposed to go on Friday, but I decided to get my blood drawn Thursday night instead. As you know from my last post I was flying the coop for the weekend and I wanted to get my results Friday morning before I set off for my wine filled, sunshiney, extravaganza.

I only had to work a half day, so I was headed to my car at 11:00am when my doctors office number showed up on my caller id. Nicely timed. I can wrap this little piece up and get-to-gettin'. HA!

12,294

WHISKEYTANGOFOXTROT

Last time I checked, 12,000 something is a LOT higher than 8,000 something. Not lower. Yeah folks, that's right, my betas went up. A lot. Now I am at a complete loss for words and my nurse, the sweet woman that she is says that she just plain doesn't have an explanation. But the good doctor did want me to get in right away to scope things out.

An hour later and me and my good pal the Dildo Cam we bumpin uglies on the exam table. I couldn't actually get in at my doctors office, so she sent me to see a radiologist at the lab next door. Since she isn't my doc they cannot give me the results. I did get to sneak a few peeks at the screen though, and with my advanced ultrasound skills I could see that things were different. Different how, I'm not sure (okay, so I'm not that advanced).

I had to wait FOREVER for my nurse to call me back (it was about 15 minutes) to tell me what in the hell I was in for. They saw the sac again, but the reason the sac looked different was that this time, there was a yolk.

Dudes and dudettes, there has been progress since last week. Insert my panic attack, hyperventilation, and utter dumbfoundedness. My nurse could not confirm my state (she isn't allowed), but she was very clear that I needed to drink plenty of fluids, I was on pelvic rest, I should take it very easy, do no heavy lifting, and absolutely take my prenatal vitamin.

Needless to say my weekend was not wine-filled.

There are no guarantees in this life. But thankfully we only have to wait until Wednesday to get another peek and see what in the hell is going on down there. I did have a bit of spotting last night. The first wipe was pretty dark red (sorry TMI), but it's been brown ever since. So, you just never know. I have no idea how this could be possible. I have no idea if Sprout (now renamed by its Aunties, 'Ninja') is still with us, but we're praying harder than ever.

I'm ready for definitive answers. If this is over, I need to know. If it isn't over? I want to be enjoying this time.

If you happen to have a spare prayer laying around, we are currently accepting donations.