Sweet Friends

Our friends were nothing but 110% supportive. I knew they would be, they're good people. I'm certain they're still hurting, I know I would be, but they did nothing to show that to us. J was given a beer and a heart congrats and then we did our best to move to other subjects and talk about how they were doing. All in all, it went well and I am so grateful for our tremendous friends. Meanwhile, I will continue to be cautious and work not to 'rub it in'.

Side note - did any of you experience pressure in early pregnancy? I would not call it cramping as it isn't painful, but pressure is the best I can describe it. It isn't constant, but pretty frequent. Gas? I've certainly got enough bloat today for that to be the case.

Friends

I have probably said 1000 times here how I have the best friends in all of the universe. Some live just a block away, and others are all across the country. Some I've know since before I could walk and others I've never met in person before. Some are women, others are men, and their ages range pretty dramatically.

I've never been one to have too many close girl friends. I had my close circle (3) in highschool and my other closest friends were guys. I've always had a hard time dealing with the drama that unfortunately accompanies most female personalities. Needless to say, I've chosen my girlfriends very carefully. If you consider yourself one of my close friends (you'll know who you are), just know that you passed a very rigorous test. ;)

It's one of the great perks of blogging and communicating with an online society - if they drive you crazy you just get to delete them from your reader!! I get to be picky with who I communicate with and have found so many awesome women that I may not have met otherwise!

Jeremy and I had an entire conversation about this last night when we were on our way to meet up with some friends. Another friend of ours is pretty newly single. He's starting to date again and sweet baby Jesus in a manger has he already met some serious crazies. Like, multiple cats, couldn't see her floors, car filled with junk, lets get serious on the first date kind of crazy. I feel for him and do not envy his situation. His searching for a mate has had one excellent side affect for me - J is extremely appreciative of me and our relationship. It has been an excellent, and constant, reminder that he hit the jackpot! (Modesty is clearly one of my finer traits.)

Back to last nights conversation. He said that he knew very early on that I was the girl for him because of the people I chose to affiliate with. Three of my closest friends in the world were guys. That can be nerve-wracking to a new boyfriend. It's like he had to meet my three big brothers. But after that initial anxiety he quickly saw that I could hang with the fellas without being one of them. I wasn't scratching myself in sweatpants, but could follow a sporting event. I could also take crap as easily as I could deal it out. His words - "You weren't crazy, over emotional, and too sensitive."

All of this to say, it really made me feel good to hear him affirm that 10 years later he still loves and appreciates these things about me. That even with all that we've been through he doesn't find me crazy, over-emotional (clearly love is BLIND! lol), and too sensitive. That our relationship is strong enough for him to hear me hug one of my best friends on his birthday, tell him that I love him, and not bat an eye. Shoot, more than likely J would jump on us and say, "I love you too, man!"

My friends have succeeded in not just being there for me, cheering on from the sidelines, but have helped to make my relationship even stronger. They're our family. They know us better than anyone and love us despite our faults.

So, when I say I have the best friends in the universe, I know it to be fact. And I'm okay if you need to take a moment to be jealous. I don't often get to have that experience. ;)

Not just another baby shower.

Yesterday I attended the baby shower of a life long friend. I'm still trying to work through exactly how I feel about it.

B and I have known each other our entire lives. Now that we live across the state, we don't see each other as often, but she's still my family. We went to the same schools, played sports together, sleep overs, talked boys, attended each others weddings, and more recently discussed our mutual struggles with infertility. She found out she was pregnant almost three years ago, just before my wedding. She had a missed-miscarriage a few weeks later and a chemical pregnancy about 6 months after that. We each were struggling in our own way.

Time passed and we would occasionally check in. Compare notes. Early last fall, I learn - on Facebook - that they are pregnant. I don't know if she was scared to tell me, forgot, didn't think about it, but that's how it worked out. Good ol' Facebook fills me in again. Months pass, I've sent her a private message about how truly happy I am for her and how wonderful she will be as a mother. Two weeks ago I got a card from her mother inviting me to the shower. I rsvp'd immediately and it was here before I knew it. I made the baby blanket, wrapped her other gifts, and showed up on time.

It was really great, and kind of hard, to see her pregnant. Proud of her resilience, being happy that she is so happy, rubbing the belly that holds her son. At the same time I'm sad to be left behind, again. I know that she debriefed her family because I did not get a single, 'When are you and J starting a family??' That's just her style. Again, not a bad thing to avoid, but kind of sad that people I've known my whole life may be looking at me differently then they would have otherwise. Polite questions with a dash of pity. Is it all in my head? Maybe. But I spend a lot of time in there, so to me, the feeling is all the same.

Her sister made us all cry. The mother of 5 year old twins, she read a card filled with well wishes and offerings to always be there for her - in hopes that she can be half as good an aunt as B has been to her children. ...insert waterworks here... A very sweet moment.

We hugged, made plans for me to visit when the little one arrives. Shared a big hug and I was on my way. My eyes welling once I closed my car door. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but I know it is my own doing. Nothing they made me feel, or said. They were lovely. Hugged me because we haven't seen each other in too long. It's about me. About feeling left behind. Even jealous. Being upset with myself about being jealous, like B and I were 7 again and she got the better 10 speed for Christmas. Or like when I was 8 and my parents got divorced and hers got to stay married. It felt childish and from another time, but the sting was still there.

Today I'm better. Better able to reconcile my happiness for my friend and to file away that tiny sting in my heart. Understanding better that the sting doesn't mean I'm not happy for my friend, just that I'm hurting a bit for me. For us. And what we wish would be.

My New Soul Mate

Just a quick disclaimer and then I'll get on with the program. I believe in soul mates. Yes, I'm that corny. While I believe in soul mates, I should mention that I don't believe that there is just ONE person out there for everyone. I believe it is possible for a single person to have more than one soul mate. I don't believe that means you have to sacrifice any of the love you already have for your current soul mate(s) either (::waves to husband and dear friends::). It's almost like having another child, you just find a way to love even more.

So, while that might not be 'soul mate' by its traditional definition, that's what we're working with around here. In my little world I feel like there are those folks in our life who were meant to be there. Your souls match like puzzle pieces. When these people come into your life, they just fit like that skinny pair of good-butt jeans. You know the ones I'm talking about. That pair of Abercrombie size twelves from when I was 18 and you could have bounced a dime off my ass. Sigh....

Sorry, got off track there.

This weekend I finally had a chance to meet another soul mate. Susan. A friend that I know deep down really gets me. Not in the 'I'm sorry for what has happened to you, I wish I could understand, but I'm here for you.' kind of way. But, instead in the mutually-commiserative, bitch-I've-been-there-too, kind of way. We 'met' on a message board on The Bump over two years ago. Back when I was blissfully ignorant and ready to conquer the world with my spawn in tow. Boy have the last two years put us both through the ringer.

But, my trials have brought me Susan. A fellow PCOS'er with a heart of pure gold. We laughed A LOT, cried a few good healthy tears, and really got to know each other this weekend. With our two great friends Ashley and Rachel we had a glorious weekend. We showed Susan Seattle, we shopped, chatted, drank wine, and we even cooked together. When my period started Sunday morning, I didn't even need to say a word. She sighed and said 'I know.' For the first time I've not had to say a single word and I knew that all that was in my mind at that moment was completely understood. And, I could just let it all go. It was the most fun (minus that whole AF part) I've had with my girlfriends, while being 110% my true authentic self. It was liberating.

Unfortunately for me, Susan lives in California with her husband (who may or may not have been separated from Mr.S at birth, we're still doing the research...). But even with our distance I know that Susan and I will remain good friends. As she put it, "It just feels right." I'm so glad to have found another piece to my puzzle. To have found another pair of those skinny good-butt jeans (yes, Susan, I just called you good-butt jeans - you're welcome. lol). I have another soul mate in my life.

Thank you for the wonderful weekend, girls. I appreciate all of your love, support, laughter, and friendship. I am eternally grateful for the impact you've had on my life. This weekend, and you, were exactly what I needed. I love you.

My Funk.

I'm sorry that it has been a week since I have written. I am blaming it on my current state of funk. Before I dive in today I want to say that I have checked back and read all of the beautiful comments on my last post. You all are amazing, supportive, wonderful women and I love ya, plain and simple. It means more to me than you know to have such great people in my corner.

I have been insanely busy since I was here last. First my in-laws were in town for two days, and then my own aunt and uncle were here for the next three. Mix in there the usual running around, birthday parties, an insane week at work, etc and I've been a little like chicken with my head cut off. The only positive side is that for the most part I've been distracted from my own mind. Only a few times in the last week - 1) a sweet conversation with an old friend I will tell you about in a minute here, 2) the two separate occasions where we were asked the unavoidable 'when are you having kids?', and 3) only to top #2 - 'I thought you two were going to have a baby?' - did I even have time to think about the deep ache in my heart. There is something to be said for distractions.

Now to that sweet conversation I mentioned a second ago. Growing up, quite a few of my closest friends were guys. I had enough of my own drama that I think I liked to surround myself occasionally with someone other than a pack of like-minded dramatic girls. It's probably how I survived ages 14-18 living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in a house with one bathroom (trust me - it was worse than it even sounds.).

But, I digress - one particular such male friend is Ry. He and I became fast friends when I was about 14. We'd talk on the phone for hours discussing his girl trouble, hang out at a friends house, or play video games (family feud on Super Nintendo was our favorite!) while he emptied our refrigerator. He is like a big brother to me. Ry and I have grown up, been through our trials and tribulations, and as is the case with most old friends, we just don't see each other enough. There is work, relationships, schedules, etc. Thankfully we have a number of mutual friends and manage to connect once a month or so.

Last weekend we were all at a friends house and Ry and another friend of ours had a disagreement. Nothing major, but Ry was upset. When he calmed down we sat on the porch with another friend and talked like old times. Something that came out of this good ol' fashion heart to heart was that he knew of our IF struggles. 'Don't be upset,' he said, 'but I know what you and J have been going through.' Of course I wasn't upset. It isn't that I didn't trust him or ever want to confide in him, but the time was just never right. We can't exactly have a good conversation in the middle of 15 of our other friends/family at the hockey game and say 'Oh, and about my broken lady parts....' To be honest, I'm glad he knew. That I didn't have to have that conversation. To see the look in the eyes of another person I care about as I explain our long road. We had a few minutes to ourselves towards the end of our chat and what did we do? We had ourselves a good cry. He rubbed my back and told me that he just knew it would work itself out. That I wasn't broken. That someday I was going to make a great mom. We talked about the break we're taking and the stress of the last two years. It felt like I was 16 and talking to my best friend on the phone. Except this time it was about the status of my uterus and not the boy he was trying to convince me to go to prom with. lol

Friends are priceless. Whether you have practically been siblings since you were 14, or if you've never even 'met' but over the interwebs, friends are how we survive. While I may still be in the middle of a funk, I cannot imagine the depths I would have sunk to without everyone in my life the last week. From those of you that have commented, called, or emailed, to the ones that have held my hand throughout my life - you are my world. My family. It is because of you that I function each day like a relatively normal human being.

Thank you friends. I am truly blessed.