Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Funk.

I'm sorry that it has been a week since I have written. I am blaming it on my current state of funk. Before I dive in today I want to say that I have checked back and read all of the beautiful comments on my last post. You all are amazing, supportive, wonderful women and I love ya, plain and simple. It means more to me than you know to have such great people in my corner.

I have been insanely busy since I was here last. First my in-laws were in town for two days, and then my own aunt and uncle were here for the next three. Mix in there the usual running around, birthday parties, an insane week at work, etc and I've been a little like chicken with my head cut off. The only positive side is that for the most part I've been distracted from my own mind. Only a few times in the last week - 1) a sweet conversation with an old friend I will tell you about in a minute here, 2) the two separate occasions where we were asked the unavoidable 'when are you having kids?', and 3) only to top #2 - 'I thought you two were going to have a baby?' - did I even have time to think about the deep ache in my heart. There is something to be said for distractions.

Now to that sweet conversation I mentioned a second ago. Growing up, quite a few of my closest friends were guys. I had enough of my own drama that I think I liked to surround myself occasionally with someone other than a pack of like-minded dramatic girls. It's probably how I survived ages 14-18 living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in a house with one bathroom (trust me - it was worse than it even sounds.).

But, I digress - one particular such male friend is Ry. He and I became fast friends when I was about 14. We'd talk on the phone for hours discussing his girl trouble, hang out at a friends house, or play video games (family feud on Super Nintendo was our favorite!) while he emptied our refrigerator. He is like a big brother to me. Ry and I have grown up, been through our trials and tribulations, and as is the case with most old friends, we just don't see each other enough. There is work, relationships, schedules, etc. Thankfully we have a number of mutual friends and manage to connect once a month or so.

Last weekend we were all at a friends house and Ry and another friend of ours had a disagreement. Nothing major, but Ry was upset. When he calmed down we sat on the porch with another friend and talked like old times. Something that came out of this good ol' fashion heart to heart was that he knew of our IF struggles. 'Don't be upset,' he said, 'but I know what you and J have been going through.' Of course I wasn't upset. It isn't that I didn't trust him or ever want to confide in him, but the time was just never right. We can't exactly have a good conversation in the middle of 15 of our other friends/family at the hockey game and say 'Oh, and about my broken lady parts....' To be honest, I'm glad he knew. That I didn't have to have that conversation. To see the look in the eyes of another person I care about as I explain our long road. We had a few minutes to ourselves towards the end of our chat and what did we do? We had ourselves a good cry. He rubbed my back and told me that he just knew it would work itself out. That I wasn't broken. That someday I was going to make a great mom. We talked about the break we're taking and the stress of the last two years. It felt like I was 16 and talking to my best friend on the phone. Except this time it was about the status of my uterus and not the boy he was trying to convince me to go to prom with. lol

Friends are priceless. Whether you have practically been siblings since you were 14, or if you've never even 'met' but over the interwebs, friends are how we survive. While I may still be in the middle of a funk, I cannot imagine the depths I would have sunk to without everyone in my life the last week. From those of you that have commented, called, or emailed, to the ones that have held my hand throughout my life - you are my world. My family. It is because of you that I function each day like a relatively normal human being.

Thank you friends. I am truly blessed.


  1. You are very blessed in so many ways and I have full faith that you will have other blessings come your way. Hugs.

  2. I hope everything works out for you.
    Good luck

  3. 唯有用熱情、用智慧去觀察事物,這事物才會把他的秘密,洩漏給我們......................................................................

  4. Visiting from ICLW. It's so wonderful you found someone else to confide in this difficult world. Your twitter feed says you are going camping...have fun!

  5. Friends are truly the lifeline in this crazy world. I'm glad Ry was there for you, and the timing worked out that you actually had some time to *talk.* I also read below and am sorry about your cancelled cycle. IF sucks.


  6. Just stopping over from ICLW and was struck by what a beautiful post this was. It is good to be reminded that family is both something that we are searching for AND something that we are hopefully lucky enough to already have. It sounds like you are lucky to have a good one including some caring "siblings" like Ry. Hope you are feeling better.

  7. Arrgh I hate that "when are you having kids" or the "I thought you two were going to have kids" questions and comments. Now when asked, I just explain that we can't because we have white carpet...gets em every time.

    You're right about friends btw!

    #56 Miss Ruby

  8. Understanding friends are what make this journey bearable!

    Happy ICLW!

  9. Stopping by from ICLW...I am glad that you have such a good friend to talk about IF with. That makes such a big difference!

  10. If it weren't for my bff, I don't know what I'd do! I loved reading this post.

    Happy Iclw from #18

  11. Friends certainly are priceless. I think if there is anything we learn on the IF/loss journey, it's who are your true friends. For me it's who can put up with my insanity, my irrational over-dramatisation and general state of craziness. They're the ones to keep :)