Monday, August 2, 2010

Game Plan

When my life gets crazy and hectic (i.e. Now) I rely heavily on lists. Check lists, wish lists, to do lists, grocery lists, hit lists... okay scratch that one... you get the idea. When I returned from my vacation my IF list included prescription refills, calling the doc, making an appointment (or two), etc. (Don't get me started on the laundry, clean out our gear, bathe the dog list... ::shudder::)

After compiling my to-do's for the week I had a brief heart-to-heart with J. Basically if my life doesn't slow down I might combust. Spontaneous. On the carpet or somewhere equally inconvenient, thus adding 'get carpets cleaned' to J's To-Do list. But I digress... We've been operating at warp speed and I need to take it down a notch. We've been doing amazingly fun things this summer and I don't feel I'm enjoying any of it because we are always go-go-go. I said it was like eating out at a fancy restaurant every night. It sounds great, but after awhile it would lose that 'special' vibe and really just strain the checkbook. My fun activities are starting to feel like chores and that is not okay to me.

He agreed 110%. Thank goodness. Now, where does that leave us on our TTC journey. Short term? We're going forward as planned with this cycle. If I ovulate we're going to pursue IUI. No last minute change of plans, we're going for it. We're all in. Puttin' it all out there. If we're successful then that is beyond wonderful. No more need for this particular discussion because 'everything else' just got dropped a notch on the list of priorities.

If we are not successful? Then we will have tried our hardest for two full years. That fact, that two year 'anniversary' is sitting on my chest like an overweight pachyderm. If we're not successful, we have decided to take a break. Not just 'let's skip this cycle and take a breather' either. We'll pull all medical assistance aside until about the first of the new year. I don't want to put a hard and fast date on it because if we're truly ready before then, we'll go for it.

I'm scared. I'm scared we'll get pregnant and I'll never get to slow down again in my life. And I'm scared that we won't get pregnant and our dreams will be put on hold even further. These decisions are hard and scary and I hate that we have to make them at all.


  1. I'm a huge list person as well. Glad you have a game plan. Coming up with one is usually the worst part! I have a lot of fear myself, somedays I just want to give up.

  2. I love lists, and I love going fun places and doing fun things. However, this summer has been INSANE, and my husband and I decided that we are staying home all of August and not going ANYWHERE. Nice to have that be our only plan. :)

    Oh man do I hope this is your cycle, but if not, I totally see why you need an extended break. This heartache is just too much to bear sometimes.

  3. Okay so you know where I'm coming from when I say this- things may not always happen for a reason, but there is a certain grace that comes out of it. If you get pregnant, that grace is obvious. If you don't, that grace is disguised. I promise you, with all of my heart, that either way you and your husband will find the grace to come out of the situation. I super pinky promise. Hang in there and know that I'm here for you.

  4. Doing what you need to maintain some sense of calm during a rough and hard time is never a bad idea. I pray this cycle works for you, but if not, hang in there. I hate that you're stressed and hurting right now. I hope things get easier soon.

  5. Hi there! I just came across your blog from Stirrup Queen's list. I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate the honesty with which you write. I could have written your last paragraph verbatim! I have that exact same fear about actually getting pregnant and things never being the same again. But surely it's worth it, right?