Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Harley, AKA the Poo Picaso.

We came home from work yesterday and opened the door to a scent unmistakable - shit.

Harley had an 'accident' of epic proportions. Numerous piles all over the upstairs carpet, all in varying consistencies. You can pick out the route he took when he freaked out about not getting outside. At least he wiped his paws clean before he tracked it downstairs...

I changed out of my favorite work pants and sweater and donned old sweats a ratty tank and rubber gloves. I gagged through picking up what I could and J gathered spray bottles and the carpet cleaner (Yes, R, we thoroughly cleaned your machine!). It took us an hour and a half, but I think we got it up.

Harley and I had a good long talk before I left for work this morning. There should be no confusion now. Any upset tummies or accidents, in emergency situations only, should be confined to the lanoleum. I'm glad he and I got that straightened out.

Now if I could just remove the remainder of my nose hairs that still cling to that smell...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Looking up.

J and I have had some productive conversations the last few days. Getting it out and talking through it with him has been a world of help. I going to put my effort into staying busy. Stop procrastinating with a few things we've wanted to get done around the house, etc. I've decided that no more will I put off doing things in case we get lucky.

It sounds crazy, but yesterday I went motorcycle shopping. J and I took the safety course a few years ago and he's had a couple bikes since, but I've not gotten one yet. We're talking about getting me my first bike. YAY! It will be a cheap starter bike, but I've always wanted to do it.

Also, we're planning a trip to Mexico in January with my sister and her boyfriend. There are some really great deals out there right now and we're going to take advantage.

Other than the fun things we're going to really focus on continuing to build up our savings (which sounds weird to say when I just talked about buying a bike and taking a trip...). We've got a good system set up with a small amount of 'fun money' set aside each month and the rest of our free cash is going straight to savings. It will feel good to know we're building up a bit of a safety net. We've agreed that we won't buy or do anything until we've met a certain savings goal. Anything extra we want (this is where the bike and trip come in) we'll pay cash and not charge.

So, I think we've got a decent plan together. I'm going to try and focus on the things I can control and let the one thing I cannot happen as it will. I say that now, but let's hope I can stick to it!

Friday, September 25, 2009

I Lost. My. Shit.

When I mentioned yesterday that it was toying with my emotions I had no idea how true that was. This might be long, so I thought it deserved it's own post.

After all this time I don't know how I still manage to stumble across these moments of hope. Well I guess maybe I do, my sweet ignorant husband probably has something to do with it. J has learned A LOT about women, our bodies, baby making, etc this last year. Kudos to him to paying attention. But, I think the process is still a bit other-worldly to him.

Last night I was running up stairs and complaining about my boobs being sore. He said 'Your boobs are sore?? That's a good thing, right!?' And of course my answer is, as always, it could be and it could not be. He said (in the cutest little puppy-dog face) 'So... there's just no chance this month?' I explained that I haven't gotten my period yet, so it isn't that there is 0% chance, but I'm not feeling good about it either.

So, of course, I test. Not but a couple of hours after I said I would wait until Saturday. But how could I not after that look on his face? Of course it was negative. I brought it back to the bedroom where J was reading and I apologized for jumping on his ass this afternoon when he told me about telling his brother. I tried to explain that I know this is frustrating for him too, but after seeing upwards of 30 of 'these' (and I showed him the negative test) I am really trying to make it month-to-month without my hopes getting up so far. That deep down I know our problem lies with me. I'm the broken one. And most importantly, that I'm really scared.

Then I started to cry a little, not sobs, but misty eyes for sure. J's response 'Sweetpea, you know that this isn't going to help any.' Now, by the sweet look on his face I knew he was just trying to tell me to be strong, but instead I felt kicked for being weak. I got up, went to the living room and fumed for a minute. J came out to fetch me (he's good like that) and I told him I would be back to bed, I just needed a few minutes. He said that he just wanted a hug. Yup, that was the exact moment I completely lostmyshit. He pulled me up and the flood gates opened. There were sobs and snot and shaking and i'm sorry's, it was quite the little scene I worked up. I was a hot mess.

He got me to bed and did all the things a good husband does. He told me it would be okay, that lots of women have been where I am (It's here that I thought of allllll the lovelies on the interwebs that I have come to know and love.), and that it was okay for me to be upset. He promised that we'd figure it out together and he'd love me no matter what.

Note to God, I'm not sure what I did to fall out of your good graces, but you just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If I need to call my Grams (She just so happens to be Jesus' right hand woman) and start a regular prayer situation, I will. Church on Sundays? Okay... maybe not that, but ask me again in a couple months.


Yesterday J called and said he let our 'situation' slip to his brother. His brother, who is married to fricken fertile mertle who was pregnant approx 36 minutes after she took out her IUD. At first I was like WTF!? But, there could be worse people for J to talk to about it and he's promised not to say anything to the rest of our family. That may have had something to do with why I was so sensitive on this subject last night too (more to come on that...).

I'm not sure until yesterday he fully understood why it is so important to me that people not know. Previous to this exactly 3 people knew. Already 1 of those was on accident. I don't want the awkward questions about 'how things are coming along' or the sideward glances when I'm snuggling up to one of the gorgeous babies in my life. The last thing I want is for people feeling bad for us. When I play with my nieces or spoil my nephews, I don't want their parents looking at me with pity for what we haven't accomplished yet. Our day will come and right now I don't feel like letting our entire world into the fray. The irony that I don't want the whole world to know, yet I'm telling this story on the internet, is not lost on me.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Just enough to toy with my emotions...

CD38 and AF still has not paid me a visit.

I have told myself that I will NOT test again until Saturday morning's fmu. So far, so good.

Only a couple phantom symptoms. Sore boobs (but that's normal pms stuff for me recently) and heartburn. I've had heartburn 4 fricken times this week. Yesterday i felt like I'd just thrown up or something, my throat and chest were burning so bad.

So, there is this weeks fishing trip. ::casts out the line::

Feel free to hang around for next weeks installment. I've confidently named it:

AF is a Bitch.

It's not creative, but I'll bet you a dollar that it I actually get to use it.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dog Sitting


I'm struggling to remember why I keep asking for a puppy again.

Last night a couple of friends of ours dropped off their two dogs. They both leave today on business and we agree to dogsit. Our dog knows their dogs really well and in general everyone gets along great. Sounds like a breeze, no?

Well last night was no walk in the park. The dogs are 13 and 2. The 13yo and our Harley are a breeze. They're mellow, lazy and low maintenance. The 2yo on the other hand... She would NOT settle. She wanted to play, or jump on the bed, or bark at whatever was outside (they live on a rather large piece of property so she is not accustomed to seeing people walk by on the sidewalk outside). I don't think I slept longer than 20 minute increments the whole night. It was all I could do not to pitch her out the front door. The only reason I didn't is because I know it would have made her happier than a pig in the mud to run around uninhibited.

She's a sweet little thing. Her mama and daddy call her Wiggles because when she wags her skinny black lab tail her whole body gyrates. We knew she had a lot of energy, but we we're at their house she puts herself to bed by 8:30! Not last night, nope. She alternated between banging against the pantry door with her tail, barking at the nonexistent pedestrians, trying to get Harley to play (which only made him growl 'bitch, it's bedtime'), jumping on the bed (we don't allow dogs on the bed), or crying. A few times when she cried we got up to let her out just in case, but then she just ran around the yard trying to get us to chase her. Not so cute at 11:10pm, or 1:30am, or 3:45...

After 3:45 when we were not able to get back to sleep (I get up at 4 anyway, and J gets up at 4:40), we lay there and I asked him 'Now, why do we want kids and puppies again??' and we just laughed. You know, that delirious I'mgoingtolosemyshitoutofexhaustion kind of laugh.

Now, I just need to make it to 2:30. Then I'm going home to take a nap. Once that's done, we are going on the longest walk she's ever experienced. Then I'm throwing the ball in the back yard, and THEN we'll walk again. That should about do it. If not, you may be reading about me in the paper tomorrow morning...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Will someone kick my chart in the balls?

I keep taking deep breaths and chanting 'October 26th, October 26th, October 26th'.

WTF?! Tentative cross hairs on CD31?! Chart, fuck you.

There is a significant increase from my dip on CD21, but not past any coverline. The first part of my chart sucks llama balls. The OPK's were technically negative, but there were two lines on CD20 and 21. Good news, if that was CD21, we nailed it. Bad news, if it was CD21 we'd probably know by now and yesterdays test was negative.

Back to the same ol' story. Could be, couldn't be...

Screw you FF. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another baby is almost here!

It's the summer of babies in my little world this summer. So far this year there have been 5 and there are 3 more coming! (That doesn't even count my loverly BOTB babes!) Number 6 is coming in the form of another baby girl by my bestest friend C. C and I have been best friends since about 2nd or 3rd grade. We're sisters really. We started our periods for the first time on the very same day, had braces at the same time, all kinds of silly bonding moments that lifelong bestest friends should have. I'm fortunate to have a few veryclosebestfriends, but she knows me better than anyone.

C had a daughter in December of 2007. She is A-FRICKEN-DORABLE. Probably the cutest little thing you've ever seen. Well, she's going to be a big sis any day now. C went to the doc today and she is dialated to 3 cm! Doc said 'Well, I can induce you right now if you want!' She is going to give her until Monday and then induce if she hasn't come on her own. YAY! At the latest, her birthday will be the 21st.

The only downside is that she lives 700 miles away. :( I miss her and her family terribly and I am continuing to look for good deals to get my butt on a plane to see her soon.

I love you C! I'm praying that you get to relax at least a little bit this weekend before she makes her appearance.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dreams (Round I)

I’m borrowing this idea from my blogger friend Rotty. I went to respond to her question and realized I had more to say than what should be left in her comments.

What are your dreams? I mean the real, hearty, lofty, if-I-had-my-wish type dreams?

First and foremost I dream of having a child. Of becoming a mother and watching my husband (AKA the greatest man ever) become a father.

I dream of a job that has the financial capability to allow me to care for my family, while also allowing me the flexibility in schedule to be there for said family. (Anyone have an opening for a 6-figure part time job?)

I dream of building our dream-home. I have floor plans and pictures I’ve been saving most of my life. The wrap around porch, kitchen with double ovens, workshop, and double-headed walk-in shower are a MUST.

I dream of having 3 dogs. Sounds silly, but it’s part of my white-picket-fence dream. Decent sized custom home on a handful of acres and our three rescue pooches. <3

I dream of traveling. Both near home and far-and-wide. I want to see the local gems and South America. Backpack to a remote local lake and lay on the beach in Tahiti. I’ve got a list (I mean, of course I have a list, lol), and I’d like to start checking them off.

I dream of a cabin in the woods. A place for my family to spend the weekends camping in the summer and a place to lay our heads when we’re skiing in the winter.

I dream of retiring early so that I can spend quality time with my family and friends (and traveling!).

I dream of becoming a photographer. This is a newer dream, just in the last few years. I want to take a class and have people line up to see my work. I’d love to take artsy nature shots and newborn/children shots. Those are my favorite.

I dream of playing softball again. This one I think I can accomplish soon. I really need to make the time. I played my entire childhood and I can definitely feel it missing from my adult years.

I'm certain I've got more to add to this list, so lets just call this one Dreams (Round I).

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I haven't given you all an update on my weight in awhile. I'm not avoiding it because it is bad (for once!). Honestly I have this feeling that if I speak about it I will jinx it. Stupid, I know, but I've been holding my breath waiting for the other shoes to drop, so to speak.

Last night we had a few friends over we hadn't seen in awhile. We were supposed to be camping with this group, but unfortunately the weather had other plans. We had a great time eating a YUMMY dinner (I kicked the ass of those tri tips steaks - deLISH), my friend Jess and I polished off two bottles of wine, we had TWO desserts - chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin ice cream, and then a piece of strawberry rhubarb pie and vanilla ice cream. LOL

This morning I closed my eyes when I stepped on the scale, but it said 195.7! So, I'm about 5 lbs less than when I updated you all last. Yesterday morning I did see 194.9 and that was the greatest feeling I've had in a long time. I'm about 20 lbs away from my goal (which is now to weight less than J at about 180).

This particular milestone means a little something special to me. I started this journey at 236 pounds. This mornings weight means I've officially lost 40lbs. I've always been proud of my slow and steady progress, but for some reason the idea of being 40lbs lighter just makes me giddy! When I started 40lbs simply seemed impossible. Now it makes me feel like the last 20-30 will be nothing.

Want to know what I think has been helping? I've been taking vitamins daily.

I'm determined to make the most of the next two months before our appointment. I'd like to be under 190 when I go in. That would make me 20lbs less than my last OB appt in January. 5 pounds in 8 weeks is nothing, so maybe I'll just blow that out of the water!

Friday, September 4, 2009


My first fail is my chart this month. 1 time I just plain forgot and two others I have slept through my alarm. I never do this. My alarm goes off and I'm up - instantly. It barely has a chance to beep. But twice in just as many weeks I don't even remember it going off. One of those times was this morning. I'm especially irritated since I have no clear O just yet. I don't want to miss it! (I say that like it will actually happen this month. lol) Thank goodness J wakes up 30 minutes after me or not only would I miss temping, but I would be REALLY late for work.

This morning I woke up with 4:32 (usually get up at 4:00) and I still managed to be out the door by 4:46 to catch my vanpool. Thank god I showered last night! I probably just set a record of some kind. I managed to get out with make up on, hair dried, and a pretty cute outfit (including the sassy new necklace that R got me for my birthday!!).

TGIF! I cannot say that enough.

Now I must return to my online shopping for an alarm that will slap me in the face or shake my bed. Something that will actually get me up on time.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Appointment Scheduled

It's done. I have my 'Infertility Consultation' on October 26th. Fricken two months from now. Damn the fact that my clinic's doctors are so popular!

I hear that the doc I am seeing is supposed to be great. He's the head of the OB clinic. I had a fantastic conversation with his nurse today. She told me what we could expect and was enthusiastic about meeting us. She was just what I needed. The best part? I told her that I'd been charting and she was ecstatic! She said that her and the doc both think it is great when women are informed and are taking proactive steps to understand their body. YAY for a supportive and openminded doctor! I was nervous about how that would be received after hearing other ladies reports.

So now we've got 8 weeks to hump and hope.