Made an appointment.

Well, I finally did it. I scheduled our appointment with Seattle Reproductive.

I was really hoping that my Metformin and consistent use of OPK's would be my magic wand. I'm currently on cycle day 18 and haven't had any sign of ovulation just yet. Last cycle was over 40 days. I know that I could still be adjusting after the miscarriage, but still. I'm ready to move on.

I know that Jeremy is ready too. He's the one that asked why we didn't have an appointment yet. Well, dammit, I was hoping to get lucky twice I suppose. I've come to terms with the idea of seeking help again. I hate going to the doctor so frequently and working that into our already busy schedule. However, I cannot think of a better reason to do so.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of flexibility for time off between now and the end of the year and my doctor no longer takes Saturday appointments. Boooooo! So, that means our appointment isn't until Wednesday, December 28th. That gives us the busy holidays to focus on other things and then it is game time.

Here we go again!

(Anybody think I can get lucky and be pregnant before my appointment gets here again?? If I do, I'm buying a lotto ticket.)

Another Pregnancy

A close friend of Jeremy's and his wife have been trying for about 6 months. They've suffered through two early miscarriages/chemical pregnancies. She is now 6 weeks pregnant.

I am so happy for our friends. Happy and hopeful that they will get a full term healthy and happy baby.

I'm also struggling. I know it is so so so wrong to be jealous that they've been pregnant 3 times in 6 months.

I am grateful that I was working late when J had dinner with them to get the good news.

Working through these conflicts is a tricky, tricky, beast. Thrilled for them, jealous and sad for me. Crazy with a side of nutso, welcome to my world.

Meanwhile I will just fester in my wave of crazy while I pray for their babies health and for our future. Oh, and have a cocktail with my friends because it's Friday and we're headed out for the weekend. Yes, that will definitely help!

TGIF my dear friends.

Conversations with your MIL

Scene: out to a nice dinner, MIL comes in and we're already seated.

Me: Hi!

MIL: Well, hello! I hope I didn't leave you waiting.

J: Nope, not at all. We just ordered drinks.

MIL: (to me) What are you having to drink tonight?

Me: Vodka 7

MIL: Oh, well then... Nevermind! I guess that answers my question.

Me & J: Huh?! (Exchange looks of bewilderment)

MIL: Well... if she's drinking she's not... you know...

J: Pregnant?? No, she's not.

::headdeskrepeat::

I cannot imagine why we waited three years until we told her. This cannot happen each time we get together or there will need to be words.

The status of my uterus is not open dinner conversation. She's lucky I didn't start telling her about being on my period while she enjoyed her shrimp cocktail. But, how do you delicately broach that subject?

Oh the joys of an infertile daughter-in-law.

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.

::headdeskrepeat::

That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.

Welcome to October ICLW!

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

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Three Years

I sat down to write on this topic and had no idea what to say. Even after three years, I am no expert on the topics of infertility or trying to conceive. I only know my journey. So, that’s where I started. Telling my story (albeit the abbreviated version). It doesn’t cover every bump in the road - my darkest of days, or how having a child doesn’t leave my mind for a single day- but it is the map. My map. Unfolded and folded back up more times now than I can count... Let’s hope that by reliving my history, that I can change my future.

Three Years.

To think about three years all at once is a long time.

Three years ago I was a newlywed. We hadn’t been home from Mexico for very long and we were already swept back up into the remainder of the ‘Summer of Weddings’. (I was in two more after my own that summer.)

I’d married my best friend after 7 years together. We had a new home, our dog, and had just found out we had a niece on the way. It was that fact that had us lying on the couch, discussing our reproductive future. We’d be telling everyone it would be at least a year and then we would just stop trying not to. In reality, we planned to pull the plug at the first of the year. This late August day had us chatting about why we were waiting. Were we not ready? No, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t money either. We certainly have the space in our new place. We realized over the next couple of weeks that the date was arbitrary and so, we tossed it out the window. I was in another wedding at the end of September, so we decided that after that, it was game on. September 28^th saw my last birth control pill.

I instantly got off on the wrong foot. I got another period a couple weeks later (my second for the month of October) and didn’t see another until the New Year. I knew then that something was amiss. Not only did I know that after 8 years of birth control there can be an adjustment period, but I knew then that something just wasn’t right.

I battled for the next year with learning more about my body, fighting my own controlling tendencies, and grieving a bit each time I saw another friend or relative start their family and pass me by.

The year after that was spent battling medication, appointments, new doctors, and myself. Mostly, I felt like a constant failure. I would get my hopes up that ‘this time we have the combination of drugs that is going to do the trick’ and then I would respond worse than I did the last time. It was an uphill battle and I scratched and clawed (mostly myself) the whole way. August of 2010 (a month before our two year TTC ‘anniversary’), we got dumped by the doctor. The chief OB at my clinic told me that there just wasn’t anything more he could do and that I would need to see someone at Seattle Reproductive Medicine for a more aggressive treatment.

I felt kicked in the gut. That man, with a wall fill with baby pictures, couldn’t make it happen for me. I couldn’t make it happen for us. I was done. We were done. We had to take a break. J and I decided that we were quitting the formal TTC game for awhile. I’ll admit that it took me some time to abandon old habits. Instinctively I still knew that it was midcycle and that it ‘couldn’t hurt’. And I was still disappointed when AF arrived. Instead of obsessing, I found other things to occupy my time – a new job, weight loss, and the trip of a lifetime. This year was going to be the year of ME. All about improving my life, making positive changes, and getting myself back on track. I started acupuncture, was eating healthy, and planning our first ever trip to Europe. Jeremy and I agreed that we would pick back up with Seattle Reproductive when we returned at the beginning of June.

Meanwhile I lost 21 pounds, started my new job, and in mid-May we left for two weeks to visit England and Ireland. Every minute was amazing and exceeded our expectations. Just as we agreed, we visited Seattle Reproductive the second week of June. She wrote me a Rx for Metformin and while I got busy ramping up on that gem of a medicine, we would reconvene when I got my next period and we’d get this party started. We discussed combinations of meds, timing, and starting with IUI.

None of that happened because on the 4^th of July – we got our blessing – our first BFP. We cried, I called my closest girlfriends and we cried again… it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Not at all feeling like I thought I would, but it was a sight to see. My blood work over the next few days was beyond excellent (jokes of twins were made from my nurse), and after the blood work came back great, we decided we would tell only our parents. The rest of our family could wait until at least our first ultrasound.

Both my parents cried, my dad having no idea what we went through. My mom and sister, appreciating his miracle a bit more, laughed cried and instantly started planning. (I come by my planning obsessions naturally.) We were on cloud 9 and completely uncharted territory.

Then came the downward slope - a bit of spotting, an inconclusive ultrasound, a bit of rest, and the news that we were probably miscarrying. Another beta a week later to confirm and – what? It went back up?! Heart stops, hopes have elevated, ultrasound shows progress – but no heart beat and more spotting. Six weeks after our miracle day, started one of the worst weeks of my life. We officially said goodbye to Sprout(s).

I am so grateful for all of the support we’ve had over the last three years. This is not at all where I thought, or had hoped, we would be. But, that’s life. Had we not struggled this way, I would not have learned all I know about my body. I would not have made some truly amazing friends. Nor would I have understood this side of a serious problem that so many women face – silently and alone. I’ve joined this infertility community that no one wants to be a member of. But, one that is filled with love and support.

Three years. Hard to believe we’ve made so much progress, and yet have so little to show for it. Three years later and I am grateful to still be madly in love with my husband. Even more in love than I was on our wedding day. Still working to make positive changes, balance our lives, and keep moving forward. There isn’t anything left in the past for me. Only hard work and more challenge for the future. Here I am, three years later, with no baby, having struggled like mad, but also having learned to (and increased my capacity to) love even more deeply.

Fresh Start

AF showed up on Tuesday. Just shy of six weeks, which is right where the majority of you told me she would be.

So far she's taken it easy on me, which compared to the periods I was having last Spring (when I had my last real period), is something to celebrate.

I feel a sense of relief. That I can put this rough summer behind us and start fresh. I'm even beginning to look forward to it and feel hopeful. I figure hopeful is a good place to be, considering our three year trying-to-conceive anniversary is next week. But that's a whole different topic for an entirely different day.

I am still taking my Metformin and doing pretty well. I took my girl Jessica's advice and take one pill in the morning and the other two before bed. With that rotation I've had very few tummy troubles. J and I talked about the game plan and decided that we will try OPKs this month and see how we do with just the Met.

I am glad that we're not jumping right back in the deep end. This gradual approach feels best. I spent enough time in a doctors office this summer and could use a breather.

Here we go again... wash, rinse, repeat. Like a bad episode of Groundhogs Day.

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Positive Spin: I saved a test.

Yesterday was a good day. I got caught up and even a little ahead on my work. The sun was shining for the first time in God only knows how long. A good friend of ours came over. We had a bonfire in the backyard while the dogs played. A good June day!

J told me that he'd confided in said friend about our 'situation'. So, when the conversation turned to my two week late period, we were able to talk frankly over the fire. We talked about how both guys were very confident that it would happen someday. We discussed adoption, foster care (our friends youngest brother was foster-to-adopt), the egregious cost of fertility treatment, etc. A good chat!

Then the inevitable happened.

I went pee and saw red.

Frick. CD 43 was over and replaced by CD1. For a moment I felt the familiar pang in my heart. But, I knew this was coming. At least now I could have a drink at the fire with no guilt. At least I saved my final test.

It's all about the positive spin.

Word Vomit

Yesterday I found myself increasingly frustrated with my current situation. In order to get it out there and move on, I sent the following "word vomit" to one of my favorite peeps.

"Here’s the quick and dirty version… I’m feeling like a pity-party of one. CD41 today is today. Tested when we got home Monday (CD39) and it was negative. However, being that I’m not regular, it could still be early. Could be that with all of the excitement, I’m just not getting a period this month, I already missed May altogether (that would be a first in 2.5 years). Could be a false negative. Could be… Could be… Could be…

I hate this crap. Any other ‘normal’ woman at this point would have her answer. No PMS symptoms for me at all (which isn’t normal) until yesterday which started the sore boobs. That could be about appropriate timing for someone who was actually knocked-up. But my mind/body only do that sort of thing to keep that spark of hope burning. Because, God forbid if my bodies signs actually had meaning.

So my post-trip glow is tainted today with analyzing every twinge (gas, lol). So, I figured I would just own-up, say it ‘out loud’ and let the inevitable happen already. Positive Penelope over here!

BAH!"

Quality stuff, yes, I am aware. But I am sick and tired of this crap. I haven't even started back up yet and I'm already pissed. Why can't things (meaning my body) just function as they should!? I shouldn't now be on CD42 and still facing the unknown. Why do I lead myownself on?

Susan, who I might say has incredible insight - especially into my crazy psyche - had a great point when she said that my anger was probably another PMS symptom I hadn't thought about. lol - she's absolutely right.

PCOS is a mean bitch.

I am ready to get back to the doc and regain at least a little insight/control. I am waiting until this weekend to test again. One way or the other, I need to know.

Featuring: Me!

When Nancy, from The Fertility Blogs reached out and told me I was selected to be their featured blog of the week, I was honored! I have found a lot of great blogs and expanded my communittee through their blog. To be included as one of their features is flattering.
________

Our featured blog this week is Him Plus Me = Three, a great personal blog by Mrs S. She shares with us her life on her journey to Motherhood. We love the honesty she shares about herself.

We asked her several questions for this post:

What has going through infertility taught you about yourself?
Our struggle with infertility has taught me a number of things. First and foremost is that I need to practice my patience. Everything about this process is a wait. [continue...]

Thank you to Nancy for reaching out and giving me the opportunity. And, thank you to everyone who stops by here on a regular basis. Your support means a lot to me.

A New Chapter

I don't typically make new years resolutions. And I'm not really certain if that is what this was, but it's the best I can describe it. I dubbed 2011 - The Year of Me.

After focusing on nothing but TTC for two and a half years, I lost myself. I lost that bit that made me, me. It was time again to focus on losing weight, getting healthy, returning to a more positive state of mind, working on my relationship, eliminating stress in my life, and mostly - finding my happiness once again.

Part of what was causing me stress was my job. I have been a manager at a financial services company for the last 4 1/2 years. With 13 employees and my own set of duties, I was constantly on the go. Being busy isn't what bothered me. In fact, it is probably the only part of my job I enjoyed. But, I wasn't being challenged and I'd stopped growing personally or professionally. I was so busy worrying about everyone else and their goals, that I'd put myself on the back burner. If I was even on the stove at all.

In light of 2011 being The Year of Me, that needed to change. I am proud to announce that on Monday (tomorrow), I am starting a new job with my company! A fresh start. It is a completely different line of work, so I have a lot to learn, but I am more than ready for the challenge. There are three major highlights of this new position that I'd like to point out...

#1- It is a fresh start in an area of work I am genuinely interested in.
#2- I get to ditch my cube for an office - with. a. door.
#3- I no longer have any direct reports. That means no more performance evaluations or employee relations issues! (...insert sweet sight of relief...)

Monday marks the start of a new chapter and another item in the win column for me. I am really happy with the progress I've made so far this year. I still have work to do, don't get me wrong. But, all too often I find myself focusing on what we don't have. The baby we haven't brought home. I need to do better at stopping for a moment to give myself some credit for what I have accomplished in a few short months.

My relationship is stronger than it has ever been.
I have lost 24 lbs since the beginning of the year.
I am regularly seeing an acupuncturist to help manage my stress.
I have planned an amazing trip of a lifetime.
Slowly I am still working to eliminate clutter, get organized, and thus stress from my home.

And now... I have replaced a job that caused me anxiety and a great deal of stress and unhappiness, with one that brings me hope, challenge, and the return of my desire to work hard.

If these are the lessons that the higher-powers-that be wanted me to learn by requiring we go through this infertility struggle, I hope they're paying attention. I'm working hard, and I hope to soon be rewarded.

What positive changes have you made in your life? What would you like to commit yourself to now?

He should be a father.

You know those moments? The ones that crop up that tug at your heart. The birth of a child in a movie, your husband holding a niece/nephew, or a video of a friends child... Those sweet moments in life that play on that ache in your chest. You were going along and BAM your heart aches and your gut is wrenched.

I feel like I'm doing so much better handling our IF struggles. I still want nothing more than to have a family. But, I've reached some level of acceptance. I still have faith, but I've accepted that this is a part of our journey.

Then something simple happens, in this case a video on Facebook.

(please, if you're here and are the one that posted the video - I am really not trying to make you feel bad or guilty in any way)

First of all, I love my friends, and their children. They're my family and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I would hate for my saying anything here to influence them negatively, or to hesitate in sharing these moments on Facebook. But, today, instead of seeing a sweet little boy that I love dearly, I went to another place. The place that desperately wants it to be my husband in the background talking to our son. Laughing as they learn and become fascinating little people. Spending a Friday night at home, teaching our child to play and watching them grow.

J has done so much for me in my life. For our family. Our friends. He is so generous with his time and is genuinely a good person. He is patient and loving. Funny and so smart. He has so much to share. I want, very much, to give that to him. Yet we fail month after month. Never does he utter a complaint. He's never made me feel insignificant or at fault. He's done nothing but hold me up when I couldn't do it on my own. To share with me his faith. To tell me that it is me that he wants. That I am his family, even if we don't have children.

I may not be worthy, but my husband should be a father.

An Email Exchange

I was corresponding with a wonderful pal, and fellow PCOS'er, the other day. Throughout the work day we were writing back and forth. Checking in mostly. She was talking through her experiences, and I was talking through mine. It was nice to speak frankly with someone who just gets it.

I saved our long email chain and went back and read it today. I love that even with thousands of miles between us, we're still able to be there for one another. That we won't need to put on that shiny smiling face all the damn time. It's exhausting and with her I don't have to. If we're feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves, we say so. Get it out there, pick each other up, and get on with the day. To have a friend like that, in all of this mess, feels like I won the friend lotto.

There is a snippet of the email exchange that I want to share with you all. It isn't eloquent or revolutionary, but it was an honest summary of where my mind is at. The comments in parenthesis give explanations where needed. Here goes:

(She asked where I was at with actively ttc)
It is never far from my mind. There is something I want to say out loud, but last time I said it …in the GAP in Seattle… I started the next damn day. We don’t do this much, but last night I asked J to pray. He said that we just needed not to think about it too much. So I prayed on my own. These days at the end of the 2ww (or after the 2ww in my case) are the WORST.

Honestly, I think I’m avoiding the ‘active’ part of TTC, as in the doc/meds/OPK/charting piece, because I’m hoping we won’t have to. J has this everlasting faith that it will ‘just happen’ for us. I just roll my eyes when he’s not looking and am grateful for his positivity. I just don’t/didn’t agree.

However, the last two cycles since I started losing weight and doing acupuncture have been pretty regular (28 and 29 days!). While that isn’t a guarantee that things are functioning as they should, I’m not using OPK’s or anything, it certainly isn’t a bad sign. My acupuncturist is very happy with my progress. That I seem calmer and my heart rate has improved, better circulation, and response to treatments is very positive. I guess I’m closing my eyes, crossing my fingers, and praying that all of this positive change actually does something.

Right now where am I at? … after our trip. If it doesn’t happen by then, it is a phone call to Seattle Reproductive Medicine and another chat with my ND. I’m not sure how I feel about crossing the THREE YEAR threshold in a passive manner. Or at all for that matter. It makes my heart sink.

None of this stops my daydreaming.

Maybe I won’t be able to drink in Europe. Maybe this Mother’s Day will be different. Maybe in CA this summer I will have a little belly (different from the little belly I have now! lol). A November baby would be perfect. Maternity leave for the holidays! A long time ago I bought a baseball newborn onesie because that’s what I wanted to give J when we found out. Wouldn’t the start of baseball season be perfect timing?

Oy. Vey. The things my mind does to my poor heart.

Sorry, that was a really long answer to your question. I suppose I needed to word-vomit too. :/

So, there I am folks. I'm scared to actually do something again, and I'm scared not to. Avoiding these decisions does not allow them to go away.

You did read the top part right. I'm late. CD31. Nothing out of the ordinary for us PCOS folks, but not consistent with the last two months either. Is two months long enough to be a "trend"? No. Have I tested? No. Am I successfully keeping myself from getting my hopes up? No. Have I stopped myself from over-analyzing every gas pain, bloat, moment of yuckiness? No.

Oh, that's a cramp! Nope, just gas.

Oh, I think I'm about to start! ::rushes to the bathroom:: Nope, just CM (sorry, overshare.)

J and I have decided that we're going to wait until Saturday (CD34). If I still haven't gotten my period, I will pee on the last test I have in the house. We were fairly active with the ol' maritals at the appropriate times, so we'll just have to wait, impatiently, and see. I promise to keep ya'll posted.

I completely understand that now that I have typed this and put it out in the universe, I will probably start my period. But, God, if you're listening, do me a solid and prove me wrong this time, will you please?

If you've got a spare prayer, or positive vibe, or good ju-ju, or whatever you're into, please put in a good word for me. I promise to return the favor.

You're Going to Miss This

Have you ever heard the song You're Going to Miss This, by Trace Adkins?

Here's a song if you haven't: You're Going to Miss This

There is a section of lyrics in the song that have really been on my mind:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

J and I have been TTC for two and a half years this month. With no success. Never a single positive pregnancy test. And I've peed on more than I can count. The last six months our focus has been around really getting our life back. You've seen much less about our fertility around here because we've been trying to focus our energy elsewhere. Reconnecting as a couple, focusing on weight loss, planning our trip to Europe, etc. Conceiving is never too far from our minds, but we've worked hard to (temporarily) make it less of a priority. To leave the days where it consumed everything we did and instead get back to living.

That brings me back to the song. I found it really hard to imagine that someday we're going to miss this. The heartbreak, the constant struggle, and simply the maintenance of TTC. The last time I heard this song though, my perspective was a bit different. Perhaps I can credit the months I've spent trying to find 'me' again. However, I really feel that there are things I will miss.

Doing nothing, from the couch, with my husband on a Sunday.
Picking up and going for drinks with friends on a whim.
The alone time we have to just be together.
Being responsible for only ourselves.

I have fallen back in love with my life. I am able to appreciate the people, things, and opportunities I have been blessed with in my life. All that I've learned, the people I've had the opportunity to meet, and the depth in my relationships. I'm grateful that those are not among the things that, someday, I am confident we will have the opportunity to miss.

I'm happy to be at a place of acceptance. But, do not mistake that for giving up or lack of faith. This is our life. I believe that someday we will be parents. And when that happens:

I hope that we're going to miss these days. In a way that dulls the pain of our struggles and focuses only on the good times. I am going appreciate all the time we spent making sure that these are good times. But, I am pretty confident that we won't want these days back. We'll have enjoyed the good and be very ready to leave the bad behind.

Trace, you almost had it right.

Sharing a Video

This morning one of my Twitter peeps (@FormerlyFertile) mentioned this video and I thought I would share with you all. Just in case you haven't seen it.

The video is about a news anchor that is speaking out about her struggle with infertility and the power of support.

I am so happy to see more and more women drawing attention to infertility. My hope is that this trend will continue and that over time IF will be less taboo. That there will be more research. More insurance coverage. More support for women like you and me.

So, check it out

Thank you for being my support group. You mean the world to me.

Not just another baby shower.

Yesterday I attended the baby shower of a life long friend. I'm still trying to work through exactly how I feel about it.

B and I have known each other our entire lives. Now that we live across the state, we don't see each other as often, but she's still my family. We went to the same schools, played sports together, sleep overs, talked boys, attended each others weddings, and more recently discussed our mutual struggles with infertility. She found out she was pregnant almost three years ago, just before my wedding. She had a missed-miscarriage a few weeks later and a chemical pregnancy about 6 months after that. We each were struggling in our own way.

Time passed and we would occasionally check in. Compare notes. Early last fall, I learn - on Facebook - that they are pregnant. I don't know if she was scared to tell me, forgot, didn't think about it, but that's how it worked out. Good ol' Facebook fills me in again. Months pass, I've sent her a private message about how truly happy I am for her and how wonderful she will be as a mother. Two weeks ago I got a card from her mother inviting me to the shower. I rsvp'd immediately and it was here before I knew it. I made the baby blanket, wrapped her other gifts, and showed up on time.

It was really great, and kind of hard, to see her pregnant. Proud of her resilience, being happy that she is so happy, rubbing the belly that holds her son. At the same time I'm sad to be left behind, again. I know that she debriefed her family because I did not get a single, 'When are you and J starting a family??' That's just her style. Again, not a bad thing to avoid, but kind of sad that people I've known my whole life may be looking at me differently then they would have otherwise. Polite questions with a dash of pity. Is it all in my head? Maybe. But I spend a lot of time in there, so to me, the feeling is all the same.

Her sister made us all cry. The mother of 5 year old twins, she read a card filled with well wishes and offerings to always be there for her - in hopes that she can be half as good an aunt as B has been to her children. ...insert waterworks here... A very sweet moment.

We hugged, made plans for me to visit when the little one arrives. Shared a big hug and I was on my way. My eyes welling once I closed my car door. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but I know it is my own doing. Nothing they made me feel, or said. They were lovely. Hugged me because we haven't seen each other in too long. It's about me. About feeling left behind. Even jealous. Being upset with myself about being jealous, like B and I were 7 again and she got the better 10 speed for Christmas. Or like when I was 8 and my parents got divorced and hers got to stay married. It felt childish and from another time, but the sting was still there.

Today I'm better. Better able to reconcile my happiness for my friend and to file away that tiny sting in my heart. Understanding better that the sting doesn't mean I'm not happy for my friend, just that I'm hurting a bit for me. For us. And what we wish would be.

When IF and Work Collide

During the past two years there have been quite a few times when work and IF conflicted. How can I schedule all of these (mostly last minute) appointments around a busy work schedule? Especially without giving my boss the full 411? How do you deal with crushing news or other disappointments when you're busy delivering performance reviews and coaching your employees for their shitty attendance? It hasn't always been easy. That's for sure.

Today I was tried again. I held a regularly scheduled meeting with one of my employees. We cover some basics first (reports, blah blah) and then I ask her how things are going for her. Pretty standard stuff really. Usually folks tell me that they need some additional training on This, or wonder if they can take This Day off, really exciting stuff, I'm telling you. Instead she tells me, "It could be better. :insert boyfriends name: and I were chatting the end of last week about our future. We're kind of in different places. He already has kids, been divorced, and doesn't really have an interest in starting a new family and someday I do." (She's 27 I believe...) "Well. There might be a baby. My period should be here on Friday and I was feeling a little off, so I took two pregnancy tests yesterday and they were both positive."

At this point I'm kind of stunned. I even asked her, "Are we excited about this?" She said that she'd always wanted a baby, but this wasn't how she thought it would happen. She hadn't been to the doctor yet, she was running over there on her lunch break to confirm. I barely made it through our chat. Playing down all that I know about this process while she yammers on ignorantly. I hope I played it cool enough. I congratulated her and told her that if she needed anything she could always count on me, and so on...

But, GOD!@#$*(&%^(**%#!

Remember when I told you about unloading on my HR lady? Well, as soon a Employee left my desk, I called her. "I'm having a personal/work crisis. Are you available?" "Get your butt up here." was her response. I love her.

I unloaded again - no tears though - YAY me! How come I do everything I can to do things the 'right way' for no reason? I work my ass off. I've always gotten good grades, for the most part followed the rules, bought my first house at 20, really got to know my husband before we were married, I pay my bills on time, put forth my best at work everyday, etc, etc, etc and I can never catch a break. I never get to take the easy route. Then there are those that have to do everything the hard way, can't even show up to work on time, make stupid life choices, are incredibly immature, and are dating a guy that doesn't want the same things they do... OF COURSE they get a baby they didn't even want yet. I mean that makes total sense. ::rolls eyes::

I know it isn't right, but I think I'm judging her more because of her circumstances. She can't seem to ever get it together, and honestly it never seemed like she was trying. I really want to be happy for her and I think somewhere down there I am. But the other part of me is still pissed off.

Has anyone experienced this? Part of me is really happy that I've built such a rapport with her that she feels comfortable talking to me about this stuff. The other part of me? Wonders why the hell she would tell her boss that she's knocked up before she's even confirmed it with a doctor? I guess it goes back to that immaturity thing.

I really do wish her all the best. I just wish I didn't have to be put in these situations. Why do I have to deal with it at all? I hope someday I learn the purpose of all of this.

To wrap this up I will share a text convo I had with a friend:

Me: ::insert abbreviated version of above explanation::
S: ::insert super sweet stuff:: Is she going to keep it? If not, one of us can take it :)
Me: lol, yeah I think she plans to. Punk.
S: Damn. You can always snatch it later ;-)

I love having funny friends that get me.

Naturopath Appointment

It went SO incredibly well. Dr. N is awesome. I have to say, I love her.

She asked all kinds of questions, was a great listener, and explained things very well. I talked about our struggle with infertility and my PCOS diagnosis. The troubles I've always had losing weight. We talked a lot about how symptomatic-medicine treats symptoms and not the cause of the symptoms. The Clomid, chemical progesterone, Femara... they're not going to cure PCOS. They're going to force (or try to) ovulation. Dr. N believes there is probably more to my story, especially because these treatments didn't always work for me.

Dr. N asked if I have a thyroid problem. I told her no and explained that when I first started losing weight I had been tested and I was within the 'normal' range. She feels that those ranges are crap. That I might squeak into, even the low end of, a prescribed set of numbers, but maybe that range isn't good for me. Maybe I need to operate at a higher level than they 'expect'. She asked me questions about my hair (thin/fine), nails (always breaking), bowel movements (hello constipation and hemeroids), energy level (constant fatigue), muscle cramps (I hate charlie horses, but get them often)... etc etc. I think you see where I'm going here. She said all of this isn't exact, but it paints a picture of low thyroid. We have to wait for my blood work to be certain. I'd like to mention that when I had to lay it all out there like that I realized that I something obviously was wrong. If a friend told me they had all of the above, I'd tell them to get off their lazy butts and get to the doc. These things come on slowly and over time we adjust to them and they feel 'normal'. Boy I can't wait to clear things up and see what normal really feels like.

The remainder of the appointment went in a very similar fashion. We talked about my menstrual cycles, stress, diet, and so on. Her, I should say OUR (my opinion was very much a factor), plan is to treat ME - not my PCOS. The reason the 'S' in PCOS stands for 'Syndrome' is that it isn't a disease. It is a group of general symptoms. And it can be caused by different things for different people. That means I cannot just take the same meds as everyone else and expect to get better. We've got to fix ME. Hopefully doing so will alleviate some, or all, of my PCOS symptoms.

Our number 1 goals is my weight. We've got a plan!

Step one in the plan will come with the results of my blood work. She is going to check my thyroid, potential food allergens, hormone levels, etc. With that will be the Mrs.S specific diet. Are there foods that my body is busy battling when it could be focused on my metabolism? We'll find out!

Step two is the HCG diet. In a couple of weeks I will be attending an informational class, so I will give you all the details then. Just know that it sounds like just the thing I need. I am doing well with maintaining, but losing is a giant bitch. If I could just get there, I know I could do it. She said I sounded like the perfect candidate. More to come!

Step three in the grand plan is acupuncture. Firstly I am going to be treated for overall health and later we'll move toward treatment along the fertility route.

Folks, I am SO excited. I cannot even express how excited I am. I have not felt this good, or confident, in a very long time. This folks, is a plan. I love a good plan. It helps that Dr.N is so excited too. She had really good energy and enthusiasm about what we could accomplish. The thing I loved most is that she was so personable. I felt like she has got my back.

The best thing about the whole visit is that I left feeling confident and motivated. I felt validated in my concerns (you know when something just isn't right). And most importantly a lot of my stress and depression have been centered around having to live with this the rest of my life. Okay, so I go through with an IUI or IVF, what if we want another child? Or I want to maintain a healthy metabolism. Having everything always be a struggle. It doesn't have to be that way! I was saved today and I have to say, it feels pretty great.

To all of my PCOS ladies out there, and the rest of you as well, if you have a naturopath in your area I would really recommend it. When my girlfriend was telling me about it I kind of wrote it off because it is 'different'. Then I learned my insurance covers my visits with her just like a regular MD. She does annual exams, paps, and can even be my primary care doc. LOVE LOVE LOVE

Naturopathy and Dr. N get a giant gold star in my book.

I'd like to take a quick moment to thank a dear sweet friend of mine, Susan. She was my inspiration for finally getting up and doing something. Check out her blog as she works to get fit too! Congrats on the 6.8lbs in your first week!!

I'm really looking forward to sharing my journey in getting healthy and staying that way! I'm certain that if I can make my body a bit more fit and functional (and sex-ay before Europe!), that maybe just maybe a baby will agree and move in. Good plan, no?

January Game Plan

The new year is almost here. Crazy, no? 2010 went by so damn fast, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. We've been on our break for over 4 months. No meds, OPK's, temping, charting, etc. Here is the plan for January...

1) Make an appointment with a Naturopath
-I'm hoping to manage my PCOS without meds. I'm willing to give it a try anyway. I'm going to ask about diet, weight loss, and acupuncture.

2) Lose 30lbs
-Granted this won't all happen in January. lol I'm going to get serious (again) about losing weight. I'm hoping that after discussing diet w/ the doc I will have a solid food-related game plan. I've also got 3 free appointments with the trainer at our gym. Time to cash in! My goal is to go to the gym a minimum of 4 days per week. I would like to lose 1-2lbs per week (if not more!). If I'm successful I will have reached my goal, and more, by the time our trip to England/Ireland gets here!

3) OPK's
-While I don't think we're quite ready for the RE, meds, appointments, dildo-cams, etc. I am going to start doing the basics. At minimum I will be re-investing in my OPK stock. Temping may be apart of that in the near future as well. I haven't charted in forever...

4) Therapy
-Last, but certainly not least, I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist.
I had a minor, okay major, breakdown on Christmas Eve Eve. We had planned to run away with our friends for Christmas. We didn't even decorate because we wouldn't be home. We'd planned to leave on Christmas Eve and the day before the plans started to change. We weren't even sure if we were going to go anymore. Friends were thinking about bailing, which meant I would have to do the grocery shopping they'd been assigned, etc. Basically it felt like it was all falling apart. I lost my shit.
I was trying to express to J why I was frustrated and we were not communicating well. He went full on into Mr. Fix It mode and I got pissed. People I was angry. I tried to explain what I was thinking and feeling and it came out wrong, we argued a bit more and I started sobbing. I got no comfort and that pissed me off, so I got angrier. Folks, I was two seconds from putting my first in a wall. That is NOT me. I had a really hard time calming down. And as I did I realized that my freak out was probably less about our changing plans and more about my pent up stress and other emotional issues.
I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't made this appointment already. Now's the time.

So. That's where we are for now. I don't want to call these my resolutions because I never keep those (does anyone??). January is a new month. A fresh start. Time to get going again, but with 'baby steps' (har har) and a solid plan.

Is there anything you're going to do differently in the New Year?

Distraction

I'm sorry I haven't really been posting much the last week or so. Things at work have been hectic. I've launched a new customer database to all of our service areas, wrapped up (literally as well) our Adopt-a-Family program, and yesterday we had our departments holiday luncheon (thanks to yours truly). Needless to say, yesterday after the luncheon I was exhausted. I sit for a few minutes before I tackle the crazy cleanup and I get that familiar sensation. You know the one I'm talking about. AF was knocking on my door. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger.

Home has been a lot of the same. We've been trying to go to the gym consistently, but that means 2-3 days a week recently. Better then nothing, right? We just finished the refinance on our rental property, but that meant appointments to sign documents. Oh, and this Friday I am flying out to go visit my very best friend in the universe. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half and I miss her like craziness.

Researching our trip has been a very pleasant distraction during our break. That was, until last night. We found a few great deals on plane tickets to Dublin. I'm talking $800/ea. That's a lot, but compared to $12-1300 - SWEET! We decided to be responsible and wait to finish our refinance, since we knew that we'd get to skip that mortgage payment. Responsible, no? I was pretty proud of us for our restraint. We'd seen the prices like that mid-week for a few weeks so we weren't concerned.

Last night we were ready. Credit card in hand. Type in Seattle to Dublin - BAM - $1200. FRICK!
I switch up the dates a bit, and I get $1100. That was the best I'd found! $300 more PER TICKET. I almost cried folks. Why can I not catch a damn break?!

I am really ready to take a break from our busy life. I thought that these distractions would be helpful in keeping my mind from TTC. I would say that about 50% of the time it has worked. But, I'm still sad, tired (mentally and physically), irritated with the dysfunction in my body (can I please stop gaining wait and breaking out? Please!?).

Are these really distractions, or is it avoidance of my 'issues'? Probably a bit of both if I had to venture a guess. But for now, that's what I'm using to get us through another holiday season without a reason to decorate.