Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.


That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.


  1. You're right....waiting is the worst part. Sometimes I put off testing just to keep that thought that I might be pregnant for a little longer....cause a bfn is a BFN and it doesn't feel good. I too know the pleasures of pcos. I am bypassing AF altogether this cycle...and just starting up a round of femara on Sunday.....go me!

  2. Man, I remember that and will be there again. PCOS is the devil.

    I am scared too. Scared of it all happening again, scared of the waiting...just scared shitless.

    But I am with you friend and I hope you get your BFP or at the very least AF comes soon.

  3. I hate having to wait! I'm also testing on Sunday. Fingers crossed for both of us :)

    Happy ICLW!
    Carmela #77

  4. I too have PCOS and am always endlessly waiting for my period. But regardless of whether you're tracking your cycle you can still easily find out if you've ovulated by taking your temp for a morning or two, if it's low, no ovulation and you can just skip the whole stick peeing, BFN fiasco since it's that damn negative test that is the real downer of the whole situation. Hoping for a BFP or at the very least ovulation for you!

  5. I agree. Hate the waiting. For me, waiting to O is the worst part, since it could be 2 weeks or heaven knows how many. At least the 2 WW will be done in 2 weeks or less.