Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.
Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.
As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.
That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.
Either way - I'm scared.
I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.
As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.