Wednesday, March 16, 2011

An Email Exchange

I was corresponding with a wonderful pal, and fellow PCOS'er, the other day. Throughout the work day we were writing back and forth. Checking in mostly. She was talking through her experiences, and I was talking through mine. It was nice to speak frankly with someone who just gets it.

I saved our long email chain and went back and read it today. I love that even with thousands of miles between us, we're still able to be there for one another. That we won't need to put on that shiny smiling face all the damn time. It's exhausting and with her I don't have to. If we're feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves, we say so. Get it out there, pick each other up, and get on with the day. To have a friend like that, in all of this mess, feels like I won the friend lotto.

There is a snippet of the email exchange that I want to share with you all. It isn't eloquent or revolutionary, but it was an honest summary of where my mind is at. The comments in parenthesis give explanations where needed. Here goes:

(She asked where I was at with actively ttc)
It is never far from my mind. There is something I want to say out loud, but last time I said it …in the GAP in Seattle… I started the next damn day. We don’t do this much, but last night I asked J to pray. He said that we just needed not to think about it too much. So I prayed on my own. These days at the end of the 2ww (or after the 2ww in my case) are the WORST.

Honestly, I think I’m avoiding the ‘active’ part of TTC, as in the doc/meds/OPK/charting piece, because I’m hoping we won’t have to. J has this everlasting faith that it will ‘just happen’ for us. I just roll my eyes when he’s not looking and am grateful for his positivity. I just don’t/didn’t agree.

However, the last two cycles since I started losing weight and doing acupuncture have been pretty regular (28 and 29 days!). While that isn’t a guarantee that things are functioning as they should, I’m not using OPK’s or anything, it certainly isn’t a bad sign. My acupuncturist is very happy with my progress. That I seem calmer and my heart rate has improved, better circulation, and response to treatments is very positive. I guess I’m closing my eyes, crossing my fingers, and praying that all of this positive change actually does something.

Right now where am I at? … after our trip. If it doesn’t happen by then, it is a phone call to Seattle Reproductive Medicine and another chat with my ND. I’m not sure how I feel about crossing the THREE YEAR threshold in a passive manner. Or at all for that matter. It makes my heart sink.

None of this stops my daydreaming.

Maybe I won’t be able to drink in Europe. Maybe this Mother’s Day will be different. Maybe in CA this summer I will have a little belly (different from the little belly I have now! lol). A November baby would be perfect. Maternity leave for the holidays! A long time ago I bought a baseball newborn onesie because that’s what I wanted to give J when we found out. Wouldn’t the start of baseball season be perfect timing?

Oy. Vey. The things my mind does to my poor heart.

Sorry, that was a really long answer to your question. I suppose I needed to word-vomit too. :/

So, there I am folks. I'm scared to actually do something again, and I'm scared not to. Avoiding these decisions does not allow them to go away.

You did read the top part right. I'm late. CD31. Nothing out of the ordinary for us PCOS folks, but not consistent with the last two months either. Is two months long enough to be a "trend"? No. Have I tested? No. Am I successfully keeping myself from getting my hopes up? No. Have I stopped myself from over-analyzing every gas pain, bloat, moment of yuckiness? No.

Oh, that's a cramp! Nope, just gas.

Oh, I think I'm about to start! ::rushes to the bathroom:: Nope, just CM (sorry, overshare.)

J and I have decided that we're going to wait until Saturday (CD34). If I still haven't gotten my period, I will pee on the last test I have in the house. We were fairly active with the ol' maritals at the appropriate times, so we'll just have to wait, impatiently, and see. I promise to keep ya'll posted.

I completely understand that now that I have typed this and put it out in the universe, I will probably start my period. But, God, if you're listening, do me a solid and prove me wrong this time, will you please?

If you've got a spare prayer, or positive vibe, or good ju-ju, or whatever you're into, please put in a good word for me. I promise to return the favor.


  1. I'm praying for you friend! I remember feeling exactly like you. Mr. Joe had the same faith as J, that things would work out on their own, mostly because he was still in denial that there was something wrong with me. I think it was that faith and belief (and God) that gave us BabyJoe. Still, PCOS is a tricky bastard so I waited to test too. I hope you have the same results I did! Good luck my dear.

  2. I am definitely saying a mega prayer for you! Isn't it nice to have a friend that totally understands how you feel? God bless the internet for bringing us closer to friends like that! PCOS is horrible, there's not much good to be said for it, and I hope that you overcome it SOON. Trevor felt the same as J- I guess he was right, but as the woman, it's hard to let that bit of positive thinking in because, as you said in your email, your head tends to torture your heart. I sincerely hope and pray this lateness is a sign of good things to come!

  3. Definitely praying for you!!

  4. I love reading your husband and I are in the same boat. I'll be praying this month might your "mircale" month :). I definitely understand the part about having that special friend who you can say whatever you're feeling--if you're mad as heck, or sad. As much as i Love my DH, sometimes you need a girlfriend. Our doctor is at NWCRS, which just merged with Seattle Reproductive Medicine. How funny! Good luck!

  5. I'm always here for you, love <3

  6. Wow. 28 and 29 day cycles sounds fabulous for a PCOSer. I have PCOS as well and haven't had a normal cycle in forever! Good luck!!!