Friday, March 25, 2011

He should be a father.

You know those moments? The ones that crop up that tug at your heart. The birth of a child in a movie, your husband holding a niece/nephew, or a video of a friends child... Those sweet moments in life that play on that ache in your chest. You were going along and BAM your heart aches and your gut is wrenched.

I feel like I'm doing so much better handling our IF struggles. I still want nothing more than to have a family. But, I've reached some level of acceptance. I still have faith, but I've accepted that this is a part of our journey.

Then something simple happens, in this case a video on Facebook.

(please, if you're here and are the one that posted the video - I am really not trying to make you feel bad or guilty in any way)

First of all, I love my friends, and their children. They're my family and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I would hate for my saying anything here to influence them negatively, or to hesitate in sharing these moments on Facebook. But, today, instead of seeing a sweet little boy that I love dearly, I went to another place. The place that desperately wants it to be my husband in the background talking to our son. Laughing as they learn and become fascinating little people. Spending a Friday night at home, teaching our child to play and watching them grow.

J has done so much for me in my life. For our family. Our friends. He is so generous with his time and is genuinely a good person. He is patient and loving. Funny and so smart. He has so much to share. I want, very much, to give that to him. Yet we fail month after month. Never does he utter a complaint. He's never made me feel insignificant or at fault. He's done nothing but hold me up when I couldn't do it on my own. To share with me his faith. To tell me that it is me that he wants. That I am his family, even if we don't have children.

I may not be worthy, but my husband should be a father.


  1. This is the thing that upsets me the most about IF. I want more than anything to give my husband a child. It hurts my heart so much whenever I see another father with their baby when my hubby has empty arms.
    I feel your heartbreak sister. It is the hardest aspect of all of this.

    I hope we both end up with happy hubbys. Positive thoughts!


  2. Ughhh I feel like this all the time. Sometimes I feel like Im "failing" or something, but then my my husband lifts me up and reminds me that none of this is my fault. I too want so badly for my husband to be a daddy. :) It'll happen....

  3. ps- I just saw your emily dickinson quote and it stopped me in my tracks! In college, we had to pick a poem and memorize it. That's the one I chose!! :) Ironic, huh, that I chose a poem about hope back then not knowing that hope would be all I have in the future! :)

  4. I completely sympathize with you. It simply breaks my heart to see my husband play with our friends' children. It is so great that your husband is so supportive of you. Just shows that he will be a wonderful father someday. And, you are so very worthy. Don't ever for a second think that you are anything less than worthy of being a mother : ). Sending happy thoughts!!

  5. You are absolutely worthy to have a child, hubby, too! I totally understand where you are coming from. Being jealous is very natural, too. Don't try to fight it - hiding it is OK, but don't fight it.

    Hang in there!

  6. You are definitely NOT unworthy. You deserve to be a mother just as much as he deserves to be a father. It's a heartbreakingly hard journey, but I know you will make it and will become a mother one day- and you'll be a great one!

  7. Aww bless your husband, he sounds fab :)