You know those moments? The ones that crop up that tug at your heart. The birth of a child in a movie, your husband holding a niece/nephew, or a video of a friends child... Those sweet moments in life that play on that ache in your chest. You were going along and BAM your heart aches and your gut is wrenched.
I feel like I'm doing so much better handling our IF struggles. I still want nothing more than to have a family. But, I've reached some level of acceptance. I still have faith, but I've accepted that this is a part of our journey.
Then something simple happens, in this case a video on Facebook.
(please, if you're here and are the one that posted the video - I am really not trying to make you feel bad or guilty in any way)
First of all, I love my friends, and their children. They're my family and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I would hate for my saying anything here to influence them negatively, or to hesitate in sharing these moments on Facebook. But, today, instead of seeing a sweet little boy that I love dearly, I went to another place. The place that desperately wants it to be my husband in the background talking to our son. Laughing as they learn and become fascinating little people. Spending a Friday night at home, teaching our child to play and watching them grow.
J has done so much for me in my life. For our family. Our friends. He is so generous with his time and is genuinely a good person. He is patient and loving. Funny and so smart. He has so much to share. I want, very much, to give that to him. Yet we fail month after month. Never does he utter a complaint. He's never made me feel insignificant or at fault. He's done nothing but hold me up when I couldn't do it on my own. To share with me his faith. To tell me that it is me that he wants. That I am his family, even if we don't have children.
I may not be worthy, but my husband should be a father.