I have found that through the process of 'dealing' with our Infertility I can handle most things. The pills can be hard to swallow (literally and metaphorically speaking), but I-I should say we since I clearly don't do this alone- can and am handling it. We move forward, make plans, change plans, alter course, talk and talk, cry, but we move forward.
There are these moments. These points in time where nothing is going to possibly stand in my way, other points where I'm not sure I can do it any more, and a thousand other feelings and emotions in between. I try to acknowledge each of them and make sure that I am learning as I travel along this unfortunate journey. But sometimes, I just feel sorry for myself.
I think I'm about to embarass myself on a few levels, but sharing my story is what this is all about right?
So, I was watching Army Wives (go ahead and tease). There was this moment when one of the wives, Roxy, was venting about all of the worries she had - work, money, car, baby, etc. She slipped the 'baby' part in to a friend that didn't know yet that she was expecting. And I cried. (embarassing fact #2) It was not even a particularly moving scene, or even one of much importance. There was just this overwhelming feeling of self-pity. (embarassing fact #3 - Army Wives makes me feel sorry for myself...)
Am I EVER going to have the opportunity to say the words 'I'm pregnant'. Will I be able to sit down at lunch with a friend and slip in the fact that there is a baby on the way and see if she notices, just for fun? Will I get to stand infront of a table of my friends, like Roxy does at the end of the episode, and explain that while they're toasting with beer and wine, I'll be drinking water? Have my friends jump up and down and celebrate the growth of my family?
So, again, I cried. AGAIN. I swear one day my tear ducts are just going to up and quit on me. 'Screw you Bitch, I'm done putting in these long hours.' And walk out the door. How do I stop making mountains out of mole hills? To stop allowing these 2 second minor moments, comments from unsuspecting people, a silly tv show, impact me in such a large way?
The best way I can describe it is it is like I am going around-and-around on the merry go round and my head is starting to swim.
Is this where you tell me to start seeing someone? Am I not talking about it enough? Am I all pent up or something? Most of the time I consider myself a fairly smart girl. Why don't I know what to do with myself most days? Please point me in the direction of the closet psych ward and I'll start walking.