Thursday, September 30, 2010

2 Years

It has been a busy week, so Tuesday I did not have the opportunity to write. Tuesday, 9/28, was the second anniversary of my first day off birth control. We had officially started trying to conceive.

Two years.

Growing up and thinking about when I would start a family I never thought that it would have turned out like this. When we started ttc in 2008, part of me just knew it wasn't going to happen right away. I'd learned a bit more about the process, my cycle was really off, I was spending entirely too much time on BOTB. Part of me just knew. Did I think I would be sitting here two years later without the least bit of success? No. That I could not have anticipated.

I am such a different person now than I was two years ago. Whether that has prepared me more, or less, for parenthood I guess we'll never know. I've written previously about missing my naivety and this week that is especially true. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch with J and talking about deciding to try. We'd just been married in July and said then that we would wait until the new year and see how it went. But, we were ready. 'What good will waiting 3 more months do?' So our journey began. We were so very excited. Giddy even. I was going to bake a blond haired, blue eyed baby. Mine. His. The excitement was in the air. It was difficult to go to baby showers (there were a lot of them that year) and not shout 'We're trying too!!' Boy am I glad I didn't...

Fast forward two years and we're on our first real break. Not just a 'I'm taking this month off for a deep breath', but the I want nothing to do with baby-talk for the next few months. I need to find me again. J and I are just as strong as ever. We still hold hands in the grocery store and snuggle as we fall asleep at night. We're good, really good in fact. It's me that is off.

I talked to J last night and I've decided to start seeing a therapist. Mrs.S has some issues (like all of a sudden talking in 3rd person) and they need to be worked through. Dealing with infertility is a huge part of that. Stress at work (I now do 2.5 peoples jobs with little to no support). My weight (I hate you PCOS) is another. If I am super careful about what I eat I can maintain, but the second I step out of line, I gain. To the tune of 10lbs this summer, most of which was gained the later part of August and September - after I stopped taking meds. When I get home in the evenings I can barely leave the couch. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I get these random burst of energy, but that still leaves my house a disaster. It's time I take my own advice and seek the guidance of a professional. We'll see how that goes, I'll report back.

Two years later and I'm a little more grown up, a lot more jaded, and I'm ready to look for help. I just can't do it all on my own.


  1. We're at the one year mark so I can't imagine how you feel being through this another year. Taking a break and working on yourself sounds like a good idea although I know that taking a break can be very difficult as well. Hopefully working with a therapist will help you to get back to you. Asking for help is courageous. I hope the time off treats you well.

  2. OH sweetie. BIG HUGS. I remember feeling exactly this at the 2 year mark. Unfortunately, you only get more jaded as time goes by. I did learn to live again though, to focus on life instead of that one area, and it did help. Taking the break I took helped. I focused on home and my cooking blog and me.
    Big hugs to you. I admire your strength in writing this and seeking help. I continue to think of you and pray for you.

  3. You're making a step in the right direction! I hope the therapist helps you. If your mind is in order, then your body will follow. Being healthy takes all aspects of our being...mind, body, soul. If one is not in alignment, then the other two follow. I speak from experience, and I'm still completely working on things. I also suffer from the lack of motivation to do things. My 2-year TTC anniversary date was 9.15.2010, so you're right behind me! I'm hoping things get better for you! :)

  4. I vaguely remember the 2 year ttc mark. I remember thinking "omg I can't believe we haven't got our baby yet".

    11 years and 8 miscarriages later - I'm still thinking that but with alot less hope that we ever will now.

    I think sometimes you NEED to take that break, for your body AND your sanity. Hopefully seeing a therapist will help you sort through all you're feeling.


  5. Here from LFCA. I'm hitting the 2 year mark, too, and it's feeling like a really tough one. I've just started seeing a therapist, too. I hope your break is a good one.

  6. here from LFCA. I am 4 years into my quest to bring home healthy children. Different circumstances but I can relate to the frustration. Sending lots of love and support your way.

  7. Thank you for your kind words.

    Anniversaries of this type suck. Plain and simple. Not only do you get reminded of what you don't have with the empty arms, but to look in the mirror and to see the ravages of IF staring you back.

    Be strong. Pour your heart out to the therapist. And here. You are not alone.

  8. Stopping by from LFCA. I hate these anniversaries :-( I'm approaching what will be three years TTC in January and hoping I'll be pregnant by then - begging the stork in fact! (((HUG))) I have PCOS too so can relate to having to be very careful with my diet to avoid weight gain, it just sucks. I also think talking to a therapist can only be a good thing. Good luck over the next few months of your break, enjoy it!

  9. Visiting from LFCA. Hang in there...I know its tough. These are the worst kind of anniversaries...I have had my share.