Anxiety

When I was a freshman in college I suffered from anxiety. I was going to school full time and working full time and I attributed most of my struggles with anxiety to the stress of my life at the time. There were panic attacks and even the occasional hyperventilation. It wasn't a good time for me. Thankfully once I left school the panic attacks and severe anxiety subsided. Now only occasionally does my heart race, my mind not settle and I get thoughts that I just cannot handle it. Never again have I seen the days of shortness of breath and all out panic.

Yesterday evening I was definitely having a 'moment'. Not a breakdown or anything, but just this feeling of being overwhelmed. Work has been insane. A couple of decent sized projects, lots of administrative type work (schedules, reports, etc), and I swear every single one of my employees is a needy bitch right now. All kinds of petty drama. Basically I 'work' 4 hours a day and babysit the other 4.

I have survived these times before because when I get home it is the sweet relief of leaving it all behind me. Unfortunately our social calendar has been stuffed full (I'm really not complaining about that part) so we've not been able to get anything done around the house. My house is a MESS. I'm fairly certain it's been three weeks since we touched the vacuum. Last weeks clean laundry still hasn't been folded and put away. We've been working on fixing up our downstairs so there is extra crap EVERYWHERE (we got a new bookcase so the old one is just chillin' in the corner). And since we've spent a little more than we'd originally planned, money is tight until we get our rent check. I've barely spent any time online at all, let alone on my beloved BOTB. Basically I feel like my at home world is chaos too. Because we're so busy I'm not cooking the well balanced meals I was before, so I get an extra slap in the face when I step on the scale... See why I'm spinning yet? I could definitely keep going, but I think you get the gist. Things are a little hectic right now and to salt my wounds I've gain 5lbs. Stupid f'ing Halloween candy.

Last night J and I had an excellent vent session. I got it all out. My plan of attack came this morning in the form of a checklist for work. I've been running and attending so many meetings that I feel like things are falling off my typically well balanced plate. Now I'm writing everything down. It's a damn long list, but I feel good about the things I've already been able to check off today. Thankfully I have 1 meeting, so I should be able to plow through a ton more.

Tonight when I get home the first thing I will do (maybe even in my vanpool on the way home...) is make a checklist for there too. Chores, projects, stuff we still need to finish the downstairs, separate grocery/Costco lists, tabs for the truck, etc.

The final step in my plan is that I MUST start exercising regularly. I feel like a fat, lazy, sloth these days. Eating better will improve that, but I will never meet my goals and feel good about myself if I don't get my butt moving. I thought I could do it outside of the gym, but I am beginning to think I was kidding myself. I chatted with a friend that I carpool with and I think she and I are going to go after work and do it together! It will be so much easier having a buddy to hold me accountable. My good pal R and I used to do this when we were prepping for our weddings and it worked really well. Now, I don't know that my carpool buddy will call me a cow like R did when I start to bail, but hopefully I can still manage. Just the thought of getting in a yoga class here and there eases my tension a bit.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't start out with that intention. These moments come and go, but there is really something to be said for addressing it early and getting organized. I'm still feeling busy and pressured today, but not nearly the anxiety of yesterday. Here's to me sticking to my plan! Speaking of plans - today is day 1 of Clomid. More to come on that later.

Now my only break for the day is over, time for me to dive back in.