I'm a bad friend.

I am meeting up with a former BFF for a Girls Night Out. H and I were inseperable in high school. As most high school friendships go, we drifted apart. We had our share of teenage drama and went our seperate ways for quite awhile.

Through the miracle of Facebook we've been catching up. She's married now and her husband has two kids, one of which has special needs. I really admire her for stepping into such a challenging situation and embracing it. I think this situation is especially admirable because she was always one that didn't want kids of her own. Even when we've been catching up the last few months shes said that maybe she'd consider having kids of her own someday, but now - NO WAY.

Well, guess who's knocked up?? H. I found out this morning and I'm irritated. Not with her necessarily, but the universe. She is happily married, owns a home, works from said home, so she is definitely prepared in terms of her life situation. But she didn't want children. Why is it that those that don't want something always have the easiest time getting it? Why does someone who wants something so badly get denied over and over? The world isn't fair. I've always known this, but for some reason (perhaps the reason being every woman I know of child bearing age was/is pregnant this year), I'm just having a hard time with this.

I'm not a completely evil being. Down deep I really am happy for them. I am always happy for my friends when these wonderful life changes happen. 90-95% of me gets excited and is filled with joy for my friends happiness. Why is it that then the other 5-10% is upset? When did I become cool enough to end up on the VIP list for every pity party in town? I've got to shake this. This is not about me. I've got 12 hours to get over myself and walk into that restaurant all smiles and congratulations. Especially since this is the first time in almost 6 years that I've seen her. I really don't want us to get off on the wrong foot.

Perhaps I will come tonight with a small gift in tow. Her birthday is tomorrow after all. That might help me fake-it-til-I-make-it, no?

Universe, I will deal with you later. Tonight is a girls night out and you're not invited.