Monday, August 17, 2009

Time to call the doc.

Yup, I give. I was spotting late this morning and the cramps have now begun.

After 11 months of crappy cycles and 4 months of failed charting (never any clear O), I'm going to call the doctor. I don't know what else to do. I'm sure it'll take a bit to get us in, so I will keep up with the charting and the OPK's in the meantime. I just want answers. I can't keep stressing out over whether or not I'm broken. At this point I think finding out for sure I am broken would be less stressful than my worrying about being broken (I get that I will feel differently if this is actually the case, but bear with the pity party for just one more minute).

My heart hurts. Another month gone. No anniversary conception for us. Another milestone missed (J and I were chatting and realized that at the soonist his birthday will come and go again before we have a child).

In my life I've been very very lucky. School was always easy for me, I was a natural athlete, I interview well and have been blessed with good job experience, I've been with my husband since just before I turned 17. Generally I am ahead of the curve, I get things right the first time, and I don't take that for granted. I think when I started this process (it was over a year ago that we decided we would ttc) I was cocky and ignorant enough to believe that this would just be like all of the other things I've tackled. I would just naturally move into a new role.

I suppose I had to learn at some point. God felt that I needed a test in patience. Perhaps he decided these tribulations would teach me humility and appreciation for the things in life that are truly worth it? I've definitely learned a lot and I guess I'm about to learn a whole lot more.

So, what's up doc?

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