This weekend was not nearly the respite from my shitty week that I needed before falling head first into another week. Consider yourself warned, the pity party that will commence now is not pretty.
Earlier in the week I mentioned briefly some interactions I didn't want to go into because it would get me worked up, well it has continued. Basically I have inadvertently hurt a friends feelings. Nothing I should be banished to the hot side of Hades for (I was more inadvertently inconsiderate than anything. It was completely unintentional). But, none the less she was hurt.
In the path to my discovering this and thus apologizing profusely, I have been in a constant state of feelinglikeashithead. It is incredibly hard to hear that someone doesn't think highly of you, especially when that person is someone that you truly admire. I believe her words were, 'I have come to the realization that you can be a selfish person.' Ouch. Big time.
I have never considered myself a selfish person (I don't suppose anyone would though..). In fact I truly enjoy going out of my way to do nice things for others. I volunteer on a very regular basis (I am one of three directors for my corporations community involvement committee), I like to do spontaneously nice things for my pals, my husband, and my family. Yes, doing these things makes me happy, but I don't do them for that reason. I do it because I know what joy and happiness it brings to those I care about, or those in need. Needless to say, this was really a slap in the face. It has definitely given me a lot to think about and reflect upon. Which basically led to a weekend long 'funk'.
I have not been able to shake this awful feeling that I just cannot do anything right. That no matter what good I try and do and the people I try and help, that I am always the bad guy, the scapegoat. I have spent a good deal of this weekend feeling very alone. I was trying to explain this to J (who is more than ever deserving of sainthood I might add - this man is phenomenal, I must say. No, I'm not biased.). You know in middle school when you have a fight with your friend and after that it feels like you have no friends left at all? Rationally you know you're being over sensitive and you're reading too far into things (Okay, so you haven't talked in two days - that does not mean you've been abandoned!). But you can't help but feel like you have nowhere to turn? That's as best as I can describe it.
J tried to bring me back from the darkside and explained that this was one person's opinion. One person in which I had upset. I was probably not going to get the most glowing review at that very moment. (My perfectionist self still did not find this acceptable...) He tried recounting the number of times recently I stayed up to late working on a project for a friend, or sacrificed my weekend to lend a hand, covered for a coworker, loaned this, helped with that, etc. I think all this did was throw me further into pondering how awful I must be all the other times for those activities to count for nothing. To barely get me half hearted appreciation or a sliver of respect.
I warned you it wouldn't be pretty.
So, that brings me to Monday morning. Dog still sick (oh, did I fail to mention that story? Just add that to the list of last weeks FUN.) and I'm still spotting off and on. Hopefully this week will be a little less busy because I kicked some ass at work on Friday.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Thank you for being my outlet. For being the 'shoulder' that I needed. Poor J can only handle so much and getting this out is really good therapy.
(Side note: Per the excellent guidance of dear Buck I decided to whoop it up Saturday night and drown my sorrows in a beer (or 4...) and a cocktail or two (or 4...). Let me set the sceen though - I am a LIGHT WEIGHT. Seriously, I hardly drink anymore. The gods must have felt really bad for me then because I was not even the slightest bit of hangover. No headache, no nothin'. Phew!)