As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, we've opened up to a couple more of our closer friends about 'our situation'. Even yesterday I was having a good chat with a woman I work with and I confided in her. She was so sweet, asked thoughtful questions and seemed genuinely interested in understanding and learning more.
Firstly, it is the first time in the 4.5 years that I've worked here that I feel like I finally have friends. (I love my new job.) Secondly, it just felt good to talk about it without being a blubbering idiot. There were very few times during our conversation that I had to focus on my breathing, play it cool, and force myself not to choke up. None of which I hope played out on my face. It isn't easy as pie, but I'm talking about it. I must say, it feels pretty great.
Obviously you have to trust your instincts. I will still not talk with those I know to be blabbermouths. I'm not going to share with the office douche. Nor will I be holding a press conference anytime in the near future. However, to those you know genuinely care, it feels great to get that piece of my life off my chest. There is enough in our lives to balance without feeling like we're hiding things or covering something up. Thinking of something to say when a friend asks why you're busy on Saturday morning is frankly too much effort at this point. No matter how much we hate it, infertility is still a part of us. It doesn't define us, but it does play a role in who we are.
Most importantly though, I'm no longer ashamed. I've taken positive steps in my life to get healthy and taken the past 10 months to reconnect with myself and my marriage, to regain a bit of my confidence. I'm a good person, friend, employee, and wife. (not necessarily in any order... lol) It's taken me all this time to realize that I am all of those things before I am an infertile. It is a small piece of me, not the whole, and I won't let that define who I am. Not anymore.