Infertility is filled with painful moments. I've had my share. Medications that don't work, negative pregnancy tests, telling my mom about our struggles, watching the months tick away... they come in all shapes and sizes.
The ones that seem to hurt the most are those that are a bit less obvious. It is the subtle moments that sneak up and kick you in the ass. Like watching a group of friends with their children at the park. Seeing the kids and dad's break out and start a game of football. The littlest boy actually catches the ball, for what appears to be the first time, and his dad lifts him up in the air like he score the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.
Those are the moments that sweep me off my feet. And not in that dreamy fairytale way. I fight the tears as I try to replace that strangers face with my own husbands to imagine what that scene would be for us. My handsome husband and our own beautiful son enjoying the first beautiful day of the summer. Are those moments ones that I will ever get to call my own? Moments that will be filled with tears of overwhelming joy and love instead of this ache?
What if I never get those moments? Will I always be haunted by the could/should-be? Will that place in my heart ever feel less lonely?