Saturday, June 4, 2011

Painful Moments

Infertility is filled with painful moments. I've had my share. Medications that don't work, negative pregnancy tests, telling my mom about our struggles, watching the months tick away... they come in all shapes and sizes.

The ones that seem to hurt the most are those that are a bit less obvious. It is the subtle moments that sneak up and kick you in the ass. Like watching a group of friends with their children at the park. Seeing the kids and dad's break out and start a game of football. The littlest boy actually catches the ball, for what appears to be the first time, and his dad lifts him up in the air like he score the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.

Those are the moments that sweep me off my feet. And not in that dreamy fairytale way. I fight the tears as I try to replace that strangers face with my own husbands to imagine what that scene would be for us. My handsome husband and our own beautiful son enjoying the first beautiful day of the summer. Are those moments ones that I will ever get to call my own? Moments that will be filled with tears of overwhelming joy and love instead of this ache?

What if I never get those moments? Will I always be haunted by the could/should-be? Will that place in my heart ever feel less lonely?


  1. ::HUGE hugs::

    I know these feelings all too well. It's okay to have all of these feelings. But I know, with all of my heart, that you will get those moments and that your heart will be filled with all of the overwhelming joyous moments.

  2. I know what you mean :( I see those moments all the time with people and their kids. Makes my heart swell up and break all at the same time.

  3. I am right there with you. The father/son thing gets me all the time. It kills.

    Those little moments that no one else sees are the hardest. Chin up dear. We'll figure it out.

  4. Just wanted to say this was beautifully written. Sending you huge hugs.

  5. Hang in there. Five years ago, when my wife am I were two years into the IF tests and cheap treatment options (that was a short list), we were always reading these blogs, and often angry, hurt, and discouraged. It was hard to have problems as a man, and my wife did as well. We were given a referral from my father-in-law to try BeeFertile, a kit for men and women, made up of natural supplements. I would try anything at that point, and am blessed to say, that after three months of BeeFertile, we had our first ever PPT. I hope that everyone here will have the blessing of a child in their life, whichever method they use.