Changing a Habit

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit. After another disappointing visit to the scale last night, I have dedicated myself to making a change.

Clearly my grandiose – eat nothing but food that is good for you and work out every day – plans are not cutting it. So, instead I’m starting small. I’ve developed a poor habit of eating junk food. Especially at work I have a hard time with all of the potlucks, birthday celebrations, etc. Yesterday I got home and realized I had eaten:

1. Skittles – AKA my favorite candy in the universe

2. Chocolate Cake – thank you bridal shower

3. Cookies – not just one, but three

Stop the madness! I wasn’t bingeing or anything crazy, but I was being complacent.

For the next 22 days I am giving up treats. Candy and desserts are a no-no until I leave for San Diego. Today I packed my go-to healthy munchies – bell peppers in a light Italian dressing. Tonight I am packing up anything in my fridge/pantry and making J eat it for dinner. (only kidding!) I am going to pack up what I can and donate it or send it to work with him. I need it out of my house. We’re talking sugar detox people!

Are there any small habits you can change? Would you like to join me on my 22 day trek out of Charlie’s Chocolate Factory?

woulda coulda shoulda.

I would be 20 weeks this week.
I would presumably be half way through my pregnancy.
I could be sporting a cute baby bump and not only bloated from the weekends festivities.
I would more than likely know the gender if our child.
I should be shopping and planning a nursery.
I would be researching my birth plan.
I could be buying maternity dresses and flats.
I should be feeling my baby's first kicks and sharing these moments with my husband.

My life should be changing. Instead I feel stuck. I'm frustrated and sad. Trapped in this groundhogs day pattern. Wake up, work, gym, don't lose weight despite the 4 days you spend there, dinner, chores, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

My life coulda, woulda, shoulda been different.

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Please help my friend.

My friend ADS lost her twins at 20weeks yesterday. Michael and Alena joined this world too soon. This world was not prepared to handle the beauty of these two sweet babes. ADS and her husband fought long and hard for their children. They were conceived late last spring (just before Sprout) through IVF.

Please take a moment to visit her blog and leave her some love. She can use all that we can give her today. As many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. There is no better way to show our support than through encouraging words and thoughtful prayers.

We have seen entirely too much of this. Too many families broken, children lost, and dreams shattered. My heart aches for ADS today and for all of the other women who have suffered a loss. Life is simply not fair.

ADS, I hope that Michael and Alena are sitting in heaven with Sprout. Laughing, loving, and looking out for those that love them.

Out of Gas

After three years of TTC, what more is there to talk about? This is where I am struggling lately. I'm not pregnant anymore, we're not seeing a doctor just yet... so what is there to say on a fertility related blog?

I'm working a ton, too busy to do much relaxing, and mostly just getting through each day. I'm happy to feel ready to conceive again (as ready as you ever can be, especially following a loss), I constantly at war with losing weight, but these are all things I feel like I've belabored to death around here.

Is there anything you're curious about? I am trying to convince J to talk about his perspective more - is there anything you'd like to hear from the man that puts up with me every day?

I miss writing and communicating with you all more frequently - I'd love a good push!

Dreams (again)

We've talked about my baby related dreams before and I always find a little comfort in them. Last night was no different.

The whole theme of the dream was a little stressful - we were running from someone/something. It was one of those dreams where the setting changed/morphed from time to time. We were at some sort of challenge (think Warrior Dash or a race) and then we were on top of a train and being chased by men on horses.

Why would I take comfort in that?

Because I had a little boy. He was blond (like both of his parents when they were little) and probably about 2-3 years old (coincidence?). When we were at the race, he was running around naked until I caught him, tickled him, and wrestled his clothes back on. (my mom had to do this for me a time or two when I was a wee one....) On the train it was evening, we were with a group of people and others with children, and the kids were winding down. That was my favorite part. I was sitting down crossed-legged and my little boy was sitting in my lap dozing. My head rested on top of his, smelling his hair.

I can still feel that feeling. That heart swelling, sigh of happiness, warm and fuzzy feeling. We may have missed the boat this month, but I'm happy to feel ready to pursue that dream again.

MIssed Opportunity

It's been a busy week - recovering from the plague and attending a conference for work. Jeremy also left for his Mancation yesterday. As of Thursday - no possitive OPK.

So, of course I was thrilled (insert sarcasm) yesterday when I had slight twinges/cramping and copious amounts of CM. I didn't even use an OPK because J is gone.

I'm a little bummed our timing didn't work out, but what's a girl to do? It certainly isn't how we wanted to get back in the swing of things. I will just have to work to put it out of my mind and continue to focus on my weight loss (my never-ending consolation prize).

Poorly timed flu bug

What does a trying-to-conceive girl need mid-cycle on their first cycle since a miscarriage?

The flu.

I woke up Saturday morning with an awful bug. Said bug had me running to the restroom about every 15-30 minutes. Occassionally holding a bucket (which thankfully I never needed!). I just got worse as the day went on and by yesterday evening I had a fever and the chills. And what does a girl with a fever need more than getting up a few minutes to sprint to the potty?

Not one of my finest days.

I've basically only eaten a small sleeve of crackers, a granola bar, and a Gatorade in the last 36 hours. I cannot fathom giving my guts any more ammo. But hey, I suppose the thin silver lining is the nice leap my weight loss took. Today's weekly weigh-in was 183.7. I'm not saying it was worth it, but I'll take it.

My OPK's finally came in the mail today, so should things test out, J is just going to have to take one for the team. Romantic, right?? ;)

Such is the life of a girl in search of a babe.

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?