Happy Holidays!

Christmas was amazing this year. J and I took the week leading up to Christmas off, just to have family time. We saw Santa, visited family, and mostly just hung out with Lily. I couldn't possibly feel more in the holiday spirit.

Lily had her 4 month check up last week and she's perfect! She is almost 26" long and 15lbs, 6oz. The girl is tall! Even when I hold her to nurse or rock her, I get tangled up in her long legs. She's growing like a weed and has changed so much in the last few weeks. Her awareness, engagement, and even 'talking' has increased a great deal. The only downside to this cognitive development - the dreaded 4 Month Wakeful period (4MW). Baby girl does NOT want to nap. Granted, I am still very lucky, because while she isn't napping much (maybe 20 minutes 2-3x) during the day - she sleeps like a champ at night. 10-12 hours most nights now! ::happydance::

Combine Lily's lack of interest in napping with her first cold, teething, (and her 4mo shots... ugh) and we've had a few rough days recently. Poor thing really hates to have her boogers sucked out. I mean, who does?? It's hard for her to lay flat without mucus draining.

We're starting to find a good stride. With a baby our pace isn't quite as leisurely in the evenings as it used to be, but we're starting to get on top of most things. Last night even ended in a well deserved high-five. After work we managed to make it to the bank, post office, and library before we came home and did three loads of laundry (new toys, Lily clothes, and diapers), vacuumed, cleaned up the rest of the Christmas present boxes, etc, repacked the diaper bag, washed and re-filled bottles, prepped lunches, made dinner (woooooot - Christmas dinner leftovers!), etc, etc. Needless to say, we kicked yesterdays ass.

I think the evenings are getting easier because Lily is more alert. She can sit in her high chair and we can sing while I pack lunches. Or she can play on her mat while I fold her laundry and pack her bag. We're able to be together, without my needing to necessarily hold her every moment. And, as each evening does now, we snuggled up as a family for about 30 minutes of snuggles/tv watching before we started the bedtime routine. My favorite moment of the whole day.

Christmas day for our clan was relaxed and fun. Our parents came over, as did my sister and her boyfriend. We ate breakfast and opened presents with Lily (Son of a Nutcracker that kid is spoiled already). We got her only a couple special toys (stacking rings, a wood elephant shaped puzzle) and a couple little dresses. Our parents? I'm fairly certain they bought every 6m+ toy on the planet. Her stocking was filled with rattles and teethers, links, blocks, fabric toys that light up and sing, and so on. And she was really into it! She was griping the paper, chewing on her new things. I've packed some of them away for later (especially the more advanced toys) and she's still got plenty to keep her entertained until the end of time.

I'll end today with a few more photos. Is she not the cutest damn thing you've ever seen? How did I get so lucky?

 She absolutely loved Santa! We happen to have a fantastic local Santa who's been around FOREVER. 

(he may just be the real thing, I'm just sayin'...)

 Our beautiful girl on Christmas Eve. Cutest of the elves.

Even more than she loves Santa, Lily adores her daddy. This might be my favorite picture in the history of photography. I can retire my camera now. I will never top this one.

I hope that each of you have an amazing holiday season. I wish for you all of the health, happiness, and love in the world. Love and hugs to you!

Being a working mom.

I'm certainly not the first person in the world to be a working parent. I'm also not the first one to have a hard time with it either.

The last month has actually gone pretty well. We were finding a fairly decent groove. J is incredibly helpful in the evenings to make sure that we've repacked the diaper bag, diapers are washed, Lily's laundry is done, bottles are remade... not to mention our own dinner, etc. It's a lot, but we've been surviving. Yesterday I attended a training class, which left me working about two hours later than normal and sitting in about an extra hour of traffic to get home. Not to mention we'd had a bit of a childcare crisis during the day, so I coordinated having my mom pick her up (thank goodness!!), so that I didn't have to leave class. It was a 12 hour day. That fact, coupled with just being SO TIRED, I was a mess last night.

My dad called on the drive home and kept me company through the stop-n-go. We chatted about silly things (the great prices on the new computer he wants from Costco - good deal! lol) and then asked how "his Lily" was doing. "She's absolutely wonderful." I had recently posted this photo:

My dad mentioned that my uncle, who is on FB, showed the picture to my grandma. "She is just so proud of you." He said. "Who would ever think of doing such a sweet thing?" (Well, actually Grams, everyone on the internet, but she doesn't know that. lol) My dad proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me. How amazing J and I have been with Lily and how love and lucky our daughter is. I bawled.

I probably would have cried anyway, because when your tough dad tells you he's proud of you, you shed a tear. That's just how that goes. But I'd had a long, fairly stressful, day away from my baby - so I was in a bit of a state as it was.

He asked if I was going to be okay and then told me to suck it up, because I was driving after all. Safety first! We talked quite awhile about how hard it is to be away. I don't have any other choice, but still. Not to mention the crazy amount of money we get to pay for daycare so that someone else can snuggle up to her sweet face.

We've previously covered how I'm a bit Type-A, and we've waited a long time for these moments, so I don't want to miss them and frankly I really want to kick ass at being a mom. I want beautiful family photos. A gorgeous first Christmas. A baby book to be proud of. I want to sew and create beautiful things for my daughter... that list is endless. Now here comes the 'but' -

THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME. Or energy for that matter.

I need to adjust the expectations I have for myself. This year, I ordered my cards through TinyPrints, instead of making my own in PhotoShop like I'd dreamed of doing. I used candid photos instead of having them professionally done or taking the time to shoot them myself. Basically, I have to compromise. I can't be the perfect super mom. And the sad part is, no one is pressuring me to be perfect, except me.

Being a stellar employee at work, and a wonder woman at home, sounds great. But in reality, it's burnout waiting to happen. Where is the quality of life there?

It took me a month, but this working mom thing finally caught up to me. Smacked me right upside the head. So, I'm learning. I'm trying to adjust. For now, I'm just going to have to do the best I can and that's going to have to be good enough.

My bathroom is going to stay a little messier while I rock my daughter. We'll be getting dressed from the laundry basket, because it won't get put away while I'm relaxing with my family. The only thing I need to fit in, is more time with J. We're both running 1000mph and thankfully, it is in the same direction, side-by-side. But we need to be husband and wife too. Not just parents. That's first on the to-do list. After I love on my sweet Lily a little longer.

Sleep

I love my sleep. Folks, it's my #1 hobby. Naturally, I'm not getting a lot of it these days. Especially since I returned to work.

Last night we got to bed a little later than normal (9:30). Lily ate well and immediately passed out hard - that good sleep where their limbs just hang loose? Love that.

Typically we're up at least once a night - usually somewhere around 12-1 a.m.

Color me surprised when I rolled over to look at the clock at it said 3 am! She was still asleep!! I get up at 3:30 and don't get her up to feed her until 4 - and she was still asleep!

MY BABY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!

::cheers::

J came in the nursery while I was feeding her at about 4:15. Just as he does every morning for a good morning smooch for Lily and I. "How was last night?" And I proceded to smile big and tell him it was excellent - we slept all night! What did we do? Mini dance party of course!

Granted, for most normal people, 4am is not sleeping through the night... but still! It is for me, so I'll take it!

I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate her turning 3 months this weekend.

Breastfeeding

I know I've talked quite a bit about my experience here, but now that things are going smoothly, I thought I'd revisit everything as a whole.

1. Breastfeeding is HARD
Some folks make it look so easy. They're practically glowing while their child happily (and always calmly) eats away. They're feeding in carriers while they clean their house or grocery shop. Always smiling and looking loving at their beautiful baby.

Reality isn't so picture perfect. There is a learning curve. Positioning can be tricky (especially when you give birth to a baby that is basically two feet long already!). Latching (and re-latching and re-latching) is something that takes practice for you AND baby. Sometimes it isn't convenient, but nursing in her glider is the best place for us. Anywhere else and it just isn't quite right yet.

2. Breastfeeding is EMOTIONAL
There is a strong emotional tie associated with feeding our children. That's our duty as mothers. Whether it is breast or bottle, nourishing them is in our DNA. When that's not going well - problems breast feeding, having trouble finding the right formula - it's not only frustrating, but practically impossible not to take it personally. Let's not forget that those problems are usually added on top of postpartum hormones.

3. Breastfeeding can be PAINFUL (but it SHOULDN'T BE)
You hear about other peoples experiences and very commonly you hear, "Oh yes, I had the typically chapped nipples and soreness the first few weeks." So we're conditioned to think that is normal.

It's not.

Breastfeeding should not be painful at all! When I had soreness in the beginning I thought that sort of thing was normal. That we were just getting broken in. It should have been when I took action. But because I thought it was normal it took me WEEKS to seek help. Weeks of unnecessary frustration, for me and for Lily.

Now that we've survived 6 weeks with a tongue tie, mastitis, thrush, etc etc, I am so thrilled that things are finally going well. People (wonderful, beautiful people) kept telling me to stick with it. That it could and would get better. And it was such a hard thing to hear when you're in the thick of it. You're tired, frustrated, in pain... you don't want to wait for it to be better someday. You want it better now. 

I thought about quitting exactly 9000 times. And there were a few things that kept me going.

1. Breast is best. It really is the absolute best thing for your baby. The ultimate super food. How could you not do everything you could to try and make it work?

2. (and I'm not proud of this fact) I'm cheap. Formula can be expensive! We've had a lot of life changes in the last 6 months and with the cost of childcare topping $1000.00 every month - we need to save where we can.

3. It's convenient. I don't need to back formula and bottles. The only cans I need to carry around are the ones in my (now larger by 2+ sizes - ugh) bra. It's hard to beat that.

4. I'm stubborn as a mule. I do not like to fail. And I know that breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone and there is nothing wrong with formula. But I have a strong desire to breastfeed. I WANT that. And when I set out to do something, I don't want to be told I can't. I've always fought tooth and nail to get what I want in this life. Especially for our baby. (Three plus years of infertility struggles teaches you a little persistence.)

5. Lastly - my village. My daughter would be formula fed and I would be in therapy and on meds if it wasn't for my circle. The support Lily and I received is nothing short of a miracle. My IBCLC was a rock star. Texting at all hours. Checking in. Literally giving me hugs while I cried. She kicks ass. Period.

My friends are first class. I could not have better friends in my life. Friends that live 1200 miles away to friends that live in my town. I receive phone calls, texts, emails, etc filled with encouragement, tips, and love love love. They opened up their resources to me. Rachel especially. I owe her so much. She's who donated her own breast milk so that I didn't have to continue giving Lily formula. How amazing is that? Love that woman.

I am happy to report that my crazy broken boobs are healed. I no longer have sores. I no longer have any pain. My supply is crazy awesome. It's a miracle.

IT CAN BE DONE.

I am now making enough to feed Lily and put away at least one meal a day. I have approximately 100 ounces in my freezer. In less than a month I built that stash! It's more than we'll need for quite awhile, but I have a new goal. Someday I want to do for another mama what my bestie Rachel did for me. I want to donate my milk to help someone else and their baby. To be a lifeline for another woman struggling to find her way.

You don't have to be a crazy stubborn pain in the ass like me. Giving your baby formula IS FINE. I was formula fed and damnit I think I turned out pretty darn good! But, if you want this. If you want to breastfeed your baby - don't give up. If you're not getting what you need from your current support - seek out more! Email me! No new mama should be left to struggle on her own. It's a lonely dark place meant for unmentionable creatures, not pretty mamas and gorgeous babies. Get out of that place!

Our experience isn't perfect every time, but now I am finally getting a glimpse at what those 'other women' are feeling as they get to gaze at their babies. So so much better than wincing.

YAY for Boobies!

Back to the Grind.

This week is my first week back to work full time. It's been a huge adjustment and we're still working through it.

Last week was the first time I had to drop my baby off to spend the day with someone else. Dropping her off was really hard, but I am so grateful I have two girlfriends willing to help us out until the end of the year. That buys me some more time before I have to put her in real daycare. I take so much comfort in knowing that she's with people we know and trust. I didn't cry that first day until J called to ask how it went. Instantly my heart ached. I just miss her. If I think about her though I can still smell her.

These first few days in the office have gone by really fast. That certainly helps! Until the end of the year, J is doing the drop offs and I am doing the pick ups. That has really helped me transition. It feels better to feed her, give her a few snuggles, kiss her goodbye and lay her in her own bed before I leave. Then J can pack her up and drop her off. Leaving her with him hasn't been as hard.

I'm very lucky to love my job and coworkers. If I was still loathing my job like I was in my old position, it would be impossible for me to have made this switch back. Not that we can afford any other option! I'm comforted by my friends here and have so much support from my managers. It helps that in my first few days back all anyone wants to do when they see me is ask about Lily. :)

Pumping at work has gone really well. We have a health room and only two other moms here are using them, so there haven't been any issues. I'm always the most full first thing in the morning. Last week I got 8oz one morning and 10 the next! WHOA! That sure beats the hell out of the 2oz I was getting MAX 5 or 6 weeks ago.

Breastfeeding is going much much better. Rarely do I have any discomfort, my supply is clearly back and thriving, and unless we're out and about, it's really gotten to be almost second nature. Almost. :)

Life has been a little crazy preparing for my getting back to work, so I never shared Lily's Halloween costume! Brace yourself for cuteness overload:

Is she not the cutest elephant you've ever seen? Don't worry, I made sure to smother those chubby cheeks with all the smooches they could handle.

Settling In Only to Change Again

Just as we start to find our stride as a pair, I am now preparing to go back to work. Next week will be my last week of leave. Noooooo!

Breast feeding is going much better. It isn't always perfect, but I think we've found a groove we can sustain. Each night J gives Lily a bottle (or two) while I pump and it gives me a little break. Also, my supply is doing so well! During one of my pumping sessions on Tuesday - I got 6 ounces! It feels so amazing to be storing away milk in the freezer, when a couple weeks ago I couldn't produce enough to feed her a full meal. Amazing what a little stick-to-itness will get you. Or, I probably should say, amazing what being to damn stubborn to quit when people tell you that you don't have to fight so hard... that's another story. We're doing great! I have over 60 ounces in the freezer and feeling good about my stash.

Quick question: How much milk was in your freezer stash when you went back to work? How did you store it, in what quantities?

As I mentioned, I head back to work the week of 10/29. It will be a fairly relaxed week back (Monday: off, Tues/Wed: half days from home, Thursday: half day in office, Friday: full day in office). I am hoping to regularly work from home at least one day a week going forward. Perhaps even looking into a 4x10's situation, but we'll see, that can make for some long days.

I am feeling ready to return. I've always thought that I would want to be a stay at home mom if I could, but after being on leave, I just don't think that it is for me. I didn't realize before that I found such a sense of pride and got so much satisfaction/happiness from a job well done, exceeding goals, and getting praise for my work. I'm competitive and my drive just isn't satisfied at home. Don't get me wrong, staying home is HARD WORK. Maybe that's part of it, it's too hard. lol But, it also isn't an option for our family, so maybe it's also what I tell myself to make going back okay. I am going to miss Lily like crazy during the day. If I could strap her to my back and take her with me, I totally would.

Luckily, I love my coworkers. I work with an amazing group of super supportive women (and one guy). They're great leaders and I am learning a ton every day. Plus, frankly, I kick ass at my job. My last reviews have been the best I've ever had. And to have people you admire so greatly tell you that you're awesome? Yeah, I'll take it. Daily.

I am a bit anxious about what our new routine will look like. It takes us forever to get out the door right now and J and I both work early shifts (6:00 - 2:30 for me). We also each work about 40 minutes away from home. So that means I would get up at (wait for it...) 3:50 a.m. Now, I will have to nurse Lily, etc and I'll probably be looking at getting up at about 3:30 a.m. At least... ::breathsintopaperbag::

Fake it 'til you make it, right?

Just as we start to get used to each other and find our grove, the setting changes. Time to relearn and adapt to a new way.  

Times, they are a changin'

Finding our stride.

I feel like Lily and I are finding our breast feeding stride. It isn't perfect yet - my nipple still isn't completely healed, and she doesn't always have the best latch, but we're getting there. I've been exclusively breast feeding for a week now. My confidence has wavered a few times. She has spit up more than I'd like at times and she's been going through a growth spurt that's left her feeling less than satiated some evenings, but all-in-all, we're doing it!

I have been a little stressed about whether or not she's gaining weight. I almost bought a baby scale to make me feel better, but I've tried just not to think about it. I've got to stop stressing the details now that things are going a bit better. She's peeing and pooping, so I've got to have faith that all else is working itself out.

This morning we had a bit of an 'episode' I'll call it. She was falling asleep at the boob when she started to spit up, I think it caught her off guard a bit and caused her to cough it up. In the spit up was spots of blood (red) and it startled me quite a bit. She otherwise seemed fine and was asking to nurse a minute later. A few hours later I nursed again and this time it wasn't spots, but about 20 minutes after I nursed, there was clotty chunks of blood.

I kind of freaked out for a minute, but checked over what I knew - she'd had the frenotomy last week, but looking in her mouth the site was good and she had no other marks. She's been a little sleepy and I've had a cold - maybe she caught that? Reaction to something I've taken or eaten?

I called the pediatrician and got an appointment for the afternoon and we laid low. I chatted with my contacts, including my lactation consultant. While we talked through the details (was I bleeding? How was she acting? etc) we landed on the fact that she probably burst a blood vessel when she coughed up her breakfast. Fast forward to out appointment - confirmed - thank goodness! Before could even tell him too much, he described how it's really easy for something like that to happen and it will quickly clot. Which explains why it was clotty the second time. He gave her a good once over and declared her perfectly fine. Phew!

I swear, this child is going to give me a heart attack before she can even sit up on her own.

The silver lining though - it wasn't breast feeding this time! lol

Bigger silver lining? He weighed her - 11 pounds 13 ounces. That's a gain of 13 ounces in 13 days!

I gave myself a quiet little pat on the back for sticking to it. Even with the ups and downs, we're doing our best and we haven't given up just yet. Let's just hope the trend continues and this week is better than the last.