Half Way

This week is a big one!

Im 20 weeks and now theoretically facing the second half of this pregnancy.

I feel halfway too. I go back and forth between equal parts thrilled I've come this far and terrified that I'm already half way to an outside baby.

Folks, an OUTSIDE BABY. Holy spitballs. I'm having a kid. Not just a nameless future kid. But in a finite,measurable, number of weeks I will have a child. A female child. Whoa Nelly, I'm having a daughter.

Now I know that was the goal, but it's taken so long that I suppose it's just starting to sink in.

I will be responsible for raising a productive member of society. No pressure! Where's my paper bag??

I'm feeling tons better, rarely ever nauseous. I feel like I have most my energy back, but when I'm tired, its over. Going out on a Friday is practically an impossible feat.

These last couple weeks have been stressful. Nothing baby related, thank God, but trying to sell our rental house, work is insane, our house is a disaster, coaching volleyball (I am a sucker who can't say no to 11 year old girls - foreshadowing much?).... I've been feeling tapped. Here's my question to you, how do you relax? Say having a beer and I might growl at you! ;) Should I squeeze in yoga, are there breathing exercises I should do? What's your trick?

I can tell you what doesn't work. Crying in your bosses office. Tried that already! Yeah.... she was amazing and sympathetic, but that's humiliating. +1 major professional career points for Sarah.

C'mon second half!

P.S. board and batten is going up this weekend! Woooot

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Lacking an Identity

I've been thinking recently about taking some time away or stopping the blog entirely.

Last week, I talked to Jeremy about it. "But you love it and it's helped you so much." was his response. And he's right! This blog has been such an outlet for me. I've 'met' so many women struggling with infertility at such different stages in their journey.

I've shared the ups, down, and the tears - both happy and sad. I've received such great support when I needed it the most.

But that's what it was for me - a blog about infertility. Of course that is exactly how I still think of myself, infertile. Even now that I'm looking at being halfway through my pregnancy. But I'm not blogging about my struggles with infertility right now - and I am so grateful to have made it to that next step. But, I'm not really a mommy blogger either.

I knew it would happen, but it did make me sad to see that my traffic took a huge it after we got pregnant. It was a bit discouraging to continue to share. I know what it feels like to see other women struggle and then move on to be only puppies, rainbows, and unicorns about their getting to move on. I knew that people perhaps wouldn't identify anymore and would move on to other blogs.

And perhaps since things are going smoothly for the time being, I just don't have a lot to say or share. Most days I'm just giddy and so very grateful. But I don't feel as though I can come here anymore to just blather on about how wonderful my life feels right now.

I feel like I've lost my voice. Even this post doesn't have a real point, which is probably fitting considering my frame of mind.

I'm certainly not looking for, "No, please stay!", but perhaps you've been there? How do you transition from one stage to the next?

It's a....

GIRL!!

A healthy, perfect, growing right on time, girl.

We couldn't be happier!

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18 Weeks!

18 Weeks! Wow, that makes me feel pretty deep into this process already. It's a good thing we're starting to check things off our list of stuff to do! It never seems to end.

This weekend my father-in-law came up to help up plan and take measurements of the nursery. He's going to be helping us install the board-and-batten we'll be putting up. We discussed batten distance, molding size, spacing to accommodate outlets, etc. Basically, I think we've gotten it all planned out! Once we know what kind of kiddo we're having, we'll be able to select a paint color and really get at it. It's crazy to think that in one month we'll be looking at pretty different room. I knew this room would be our nursery from the moment we moved in (almost 4 years ago), it's pretty great to see that finally start to happen.

This week the babe is about 5 1/2 inches long and is weighing in at approx 7 ounces. I've felt movement a few more times and I always stop what I'm doing (usually just talking, lol) and enjoy the moment. Such an amazing feeling. It will never grow old. I'm almost back up to my starting weight, which oddly feels really good. I will admit I have been enjoying the compliments at work about how 'healthy and happy' I look. Now if those could just continue for the next 5+ months, that would be great!

Only a week is left until our big anatomy scan! While the doc has his suspicions, we should have our answer in a week. And let me tell you, after that week, it is (shopping) GAME ON. I have been so pent up that this mama is ready to do a little shopping! I've been given a great new discount site (email me if you don't get the daily Zulily deals - omg! I'm obsessed.) and plan to attend a few local consignment fairs over the next few weekends. I don't plan to go too insane, but I've got to get it out of my system!

Hopefully that will include a major item or two. Did you have a hard time finding a crib you loved? I've look at all the major stores, granted it was online, and I am not in love with anything. Well, that's not entirely true. My egregious taste led me first to a crib that I am still fawning over, but it is $1049 at Restoration Hardware. YEAH RIGHT. I can do my whole nursery with that budget. But, of course now everything gets compared to that and doesn't measure up. It is much more challenging than I expected!

Here is my updated belly photo! There should only be a couple more before you start to see changes happening on the wall behind me. Don't worry, I'm capturing pictures of the whole process as we go!

(Let's make a deal not to talk about my bubble butt, got it?? Glad we had this talk.)

Sprout

Happy Due Date, Sprout.

Our first little bean sprout. We think of you often. Miss you daily. I even find myself thinking about you, the personality you would have had, and especially as we approach our gender scan, I think about if you were a girl or a boy.

It's a bitter sweet day. Obviously we are expecting again and are so grateful for the miracle we've been given. But that doesn't make us forget. Not the feeling we had when we learned about you, seeing your grandparents react, all of your aunties being so excited for your arrival. I wasn't certain we would ever experience those things.

Your arrival told us to hang in there. It brought J and I closer together. Encouraged us to share our journey a bit more publicly. I grieved like I  never have before. But, as I healed, it brought me the hope I needed to keep moving forward.

This weekend J and I have agreed to make no other plans. We are spending the weekend together. Enjoying each others company, remembering you, and doing some special things, just the two of us.

Thank you for watching out for us. For looking over our current baby, your younger sibling. We will never forget how you changed our lives. We will always love you.

Love and hugs little baby,

Your Mama

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17 Weeks

17 weeks today! Our next doctors appointment is tomorrow and our anatomy scan is only TWO WEEKS away. I cannot believe the time that has passed!

I am feeling really good these days and am so happy and appreciative of our blessing. There are many exciting things around the corner and for once in a very long while, I am just enthusiastic. Joyful. Happy. So grateful and in love with this baby and my husband.

This is all still so surreal at times. My girlfriends had dinner on Friday night and the conversation turned to planning my baby shower. MY baby shower. I cannot wrap my head around that and at the same time I am so thrilled. My friends have been so sweet and excited for this baby. It warms my heart to think of all of the other people in our life that have been anticipating this child right along with us. To think back to those lonely days over the last three years, it does help to take the edge off, knowing that there were so many people supporting us.

I don't think my bump has changed much this week, but never the less - here it is!