An Email Exchange

I was corresponding with a wonderful pal, and fellow PCOS'er, the other day. Throughout the work day we were writing back and forth. Checking in mostly. She was talking through her experiences, and I was talking through mine. It was nice to speak frankly with someone who just gets it.

I saved our long email chain and went back and read it today. I love that even with thousands of miles between us, we're still able to be there for one another. That we won't need to put on that shiny smiling face all the damn time. It's exhausting and with her I don't have to. If we're feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves, we say so. Get it out there, pick each other up, and get on with the day. To have a friend like that, in all of this mess, feels like I won the friend lotto.

There is a snippet of the email exchange that I want to share with you all. It isn't eloquent or revolutionary, but it was an honest summary of where my mind is at. The comments in parenthesis give explanations where needed. Here goes:

(She asked where I was at with actively ttc)
It is never far from my mind. There is something I want to say out loud, but last time I said it …in the GAP in Seattle… I started the next damn day. We don’t do this much, but last night I asked J to pray. He said that we just needed not to think about it too much. So I prayed on my own. These days at the end of the 2ww (or after the 2ww in my case) are the WORST.

Honestly, I think I’m avoiding the ‘active’ part of TTC, as in the doc/meds/OPK/charting piece, because I’m hoping we won’t have to. J has this everlasting faith that it will ‘just happen’ for us. I just roll my eyes when he’s not looking and am grateful for his positivity. I just don’t/didn’t agree.

However, the last two cycles since I started losing weight and doing acupuncture have been pretty regular (28 and 29 days!). While that isn’t a guarantee that things are functioning as they should, I’m not using OPK’s or anything, it certainly isn’t a bad sign. My acupuncturist is very happy with my progress. That I seem calmer and my heart rate has improved, better circulation, and response to treatments is very positive. I guess I’m closing my eyes, crossing my fingers, and praying that all of this positive change actually does something.

Right now where am I at? … after our trip. If it doesn’t happen by then, it is a phone call to Seattle Reproductive Medicine and another chat with my ND. I’m not sure how I feel about crossing the THREE YEAR threshold in a passive manner. Or at all for that matter. It makes my heart sink.

None of this stops my daydreaming.

Maybe I won’t be able to drink in Europe. Maybe this Mother’s Day will be different. Maybe in CA this summer I will have a little belly (different from the little belly I have now! lol). A November baby would be perfect. Maternity leave for the holidays! A long time ago I bought a baseball newborn onesie because that’s what I wanted to give J when we found out. Wouldn’t the start of baseball season be perfect timing?

Oy. Vey. The things my mind does to my poor heart.

Sorry, that was a really long answer to your question. I suppose I needed to word-vomit too. :/

So, there I am folks. I'm scared to actually do something again, and I'm scared not to. Avoiding these decisions does not allow them to go away.

You did read the top part right. I'm late. CD31. Nothing out of the ordinary for us PCOS folks, but not consistent with the last two months either. Is two months long enough to be a "trend"? No. Have I tested? No. Am I successfully keeping myself from getting my hopes up? No. Have I stopped myself from over-analyzing every gas pain, bloat, moment of yuckiness? No.

Oh, that's a cramp! Nope, just gas.

Oh, I think I'm about to start! ::rushes to the bathroom:: Nope, just CM (sorry, overshare.)

J and I have decided that we're going to wait until Saturday (CD34). If I still haven't gotten my period, I will pee on the last test I have in the house. We were fairly active with the ol' maritals at the appropriate times, so we'll just have to wait, impatiently, and see. I promise to keep ya'll posted.

I completely understand that now that I have typed this and put it out in the universe, I will probably start my period. But, God, if you're listening, do me a solid and prove me wrong this time, will you please?

If you've got a spare prayer, or positive vibe, or good ju-ju, or whatever you're into, please put in a good word for me. I promise to return the favor.

You're Going to Miss This

Have you ever heard the song You're Going to Miss This, by Trace Adkins?

Here's a song if you haven't: You're Going to Miss This

There is a section of lyrics in the song that have really been on my mind:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

J and I have been TTC for two and a half years this month. With no success. Never a single positive pregnancy test. And I've peed on more than I can count. The last six months our focus has been around really getting our life back. You've seen much less about our fertility around here because we've been trying to focus our energy elsewhere. Reconnecting as a couple, focusing on weight loss, planning our trip to Europe, etc. Conceiving is never too far from our minds, but we've worked hard to (temporarily) make it less of a priority. To leave the days where it consumed everything we did and instead get back to living.

That brings me back to the song. I found it really hard to imagine that someday we're going to miss this. The heartbreak, the constant struggle, and simply the maintenance of TTC. The last time I heard this song though, my perspective was a bit different. Perhaps I can credit the months I've spent trying to find 'me' again. However, I really feel that there are things I will miss.

Doing nothing, from the couch, with my husband on a Sunday.
Picking up and going for drinks with friends on a whim.
The alone time we have to just be together.
Being responsible for only ourselves.

I have fallen back in love with my life. I am able to appreciate the people, things, and opportunities I have been blessed with in my life. All that I've learned, the people I've had the opportunity to meet, and the depth in my relationships. I'm grateful that those are not among the things that, someday, I am confident we will have the opportunity to miss.

I'm happy to be at a place of acceptance. But, do not mistake that for giving up or lack of faith. This is our life. I believe that someday we will be parents. And when that happens:

I hope that we're going to miss these days. In a way that dulls the pain of our struggles and focuses only on the good times. I am going appreciate all the time we spent making sure that these are good times. But, I am pretty confident that we won't want these days back. We'll have enjoyed the good and be very ready to leave the bad behind.

Trace, you almost had it right.

Hanging Tight

I've been solo for a week and how are things going? Pretty darn good! I didn't lose this week and I didn't gain. I planned to give myself the week off and to eat what I wanted when I wanted. And you know what? I did pretty good! For the most part I want to eat healthy. I crave my veggies. But if I want to steal some of J's fries, damn it, I'm going to! It's all about moderation.

I am getting back to enjoying the gym an I look forward to additional progress on the scale this week.

Here we go!

What's Next?

Now that I've wrapped up the 6 week HCG diet phase, what do I do now??

I had a moment of panic a couple of weeks ago when my doc handed me the Transition Plan. Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Wait a damn minute! Me? Dieting SOLO? ::deep breaths into a paper bag::

You get the idea.

It took me a couple of days to come to terms with the fact that my transition plan needs to be the base for how/what I eat for the rest of my life. That's huge. That is what "they" mean when "they" say it is all about lifestyle changes.

Basically, I need to continue focusing the majority of my meals on real food. Lean protein, lots of veggies, a couple fruit servings a day, and a small amount -especially for me- of good carbs (brown rice, quinoa, etc). Avoiding sugar and processed foods. Add in lots and lots of water (60-90oz) and regular exercise. It won't peel off nearly as fast as with the HCG diet, but I should be able to continue to lose on my own now that I got that little kick in the pants.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: Fruit Smoothie -strawberry, blueberry, 1/2 serving protein powder
Lunch: Leftover Chili (YUMMMY chili made with lean ground beef, chili beans, dark kidney beans, green and red bell, onion, garlic, jalapenos, and no-salt-added tomato paste) - pretty healthy and tons of veggies!
Dinner: Pesto Chicken (ala my kick-ass gal pal, Susan) - chicken breast, pesto sauce, a sprinkling of cheese, and broccoli ...simple, yet soooo yummy...

Pretty balanced, normal stuff, right?

This weekend I allowed myself a night off and went out for drinks for a girlfriends birthday. I am such a cheap date! Besides my inability to manage more than a couple vodka tonics, there are a couple of foods that I found I jumped the gun a bit too quickly with - dairy and carbs. I had a tiny cup of clam chowder and it was bloat and stomach cramps for hours. No Bueno. I had a tiny pinch of cheese on my chili, and a bit of dressing on a salad at dinner, but otherwise have avoided it since. Probably not the worst habit to avoid, so I learned my lesson there!

I want to thank all of you for your well wishes, positive words, and support over the last couple of months. It hasn't been easy, but your words of encouragement have meant the world to me. There were a couple of moments I thought, 'I can't cheat or bend the rules, because I will be devastated if I have to report back that I gained.' So, thank you for being my conscience, and continuing to be my cheerleaders, as I slog through the remaining el-bees.

McSkinny Friday

While I still have some work to do, this 6 week stage has come to a close. The HCG Diet is officially over! It was both a long and short 6 weeks. Looking back on it, it really flew by. It wasn't easy, by any means. But, I've gone through worse. In the end, it was worth it. Would I do it again? Yes. It was the strict, no-nonsense, take no prisoners (okay, that's a little dramatic), kick in the ass that I needed.

How did the whole thing turn out?

Official Weigh-In: 180lbs
Weekly Loss: 4lbs

Over six weeks, that is a total loss of 21lbs! Can I get a 'WOOT!'

To date, I have lost 56lbs. FIFTY-SIX POUNDS. That is a child! Or my dog! Wow. Right? I am very proud of myself. This is right up there with one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

I have updated my measurements as well. There wasn't as big of a change compared to two weeks ago, but I was prepared to see that. My weight loss wasn't as dramatic either. Over time I know it will slow down. That's just the way it works. Here it is:

Over the last 6 weeks I have lost a grand total of 46" and 3.3% body fat. Almost 4 whole feet.

Whoa Nelly.

Here's the quick and dirty version: 6 Weeks 21lbs 46" 3.3%

Am I Ready?

I know I haven't talked a lot about TTC around here these days. Partially it is because we're not being very aggressive in this area. But mostly, it just hasn't been my main focus over the last few months. ::GASP::

I have been trying very hard to truly settle in to the whole taking-a-break thing. For my own sanity I needed to find ME again. To continue my trek to get healthy. To focus on my work and better my situation there. To reconnect on a real level with my husband again. I mean, helllloooo, the man isn't just a sperm factory! I feel like I have been successful on all fronts. We're really communicating well again. Talking things through and focusing only on us. TTC is never far from our minds. It is still a big part of our life, but it doesn't have to be the center. We've seen and talked about my progress in weight loss. And today - I got a new job! I received the news and accepted a new role with my company. It's a new career path for me, but it will be a much better path all around. I can't wait to get started! Overall, things are going very well. I'm happy again. Truly, in love with my life.

As the first 6 weeks of my diet comes to a close, I've started thinking more and more about TTC. What do we want to do next? Do we want to continue to go with the flow? Are we ready to up our game again? Do I start with just OPK's and charting? Call the RE? Am I really ready for the meds and high maintenance tracking? We are approaching the 2 1/2 year mark and there is quite a lot that I am going to need to work through in the coming days and weeks. We need a solid game plan, because the last thing I want to do is lose myself in the fray, again.

So, the question is - when and how do we begin again?

I only wish we didn't have to decide.

Just call me Chilly Willy the Penguin.

Brrrrrr.

I have felt like such a wuss. Yes, it has been chillier in these parts lately, but damn. I'm spending the majority of the day in my office, wearing my coat and scarf, with my legs wrapped in a fleece blanket. I look like my Grams.

I asked the doc, is this some evil diet backlash? Her answer? Yes and no. No it isn't a side affect of the hcg. But, yes, it is a result of my diet. Why? Because I have taken off an almost 20lb coat! I'd never thought of it that way. However, I have basically step outside, taken off a big fuzzy warm coat and said, "Now body. Listen up. You will remain at the same temperature you were when you were wearing the aforementioned fuzzy warm coat. Got it?" My body then proceeds to give me the finger and commence with the shivering.

Doc says that it will just take some time for me to acclimate to my new lighter self. Has anyone experienced this? Am I silly to just have never thought about it?

Meanwhile it is warm tea and layers for me!