Good end to a rough week.

It's pretty obvious that I'm still working through some kinks in this tricky landscape of Infertility. But, it is weekends like this one that make me happy with my life.

Saturday morning was spent lounging with my husband. I did POAS, and saw my BFN. I knew that was going to be the case and my heart wasn't broken. I'm sad as always, but I was prepared. Instead of brooding we watched Captain America (pretty good, btw) and snuggled on the sofa, catching up on some much needed quality time.

That afternoon I took off for a few hours with my BFF R to watch her daughters soccer game (GO Pumas!) and take pictures of my mini BFF, Landon. That little boy simultaneously make my heart break and yearn for my own spawn, and overflows the achy hole in my heart. I love the bond I have with that 2 year old cutie-patootie. The Pumas tied their game 2-2, Landon and I ran ourselves silly, we stuffed ourselves at a local Mexican restaurant and I headed back home to get ready for the evening’s festivities.

Yes folks, we got dressed up and hit the town with our gang. There were a couple pirates, Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec), Lisbeth (Girl w. a Dragon Tattoo), Quail Man (

I have to say, the banana really accentuated my dance moves. Oh yes, I busted a move for two in that baby. It was a fun night, but I learned two important lessons #1 – I am getting too old for these shenanigans. #2 – the bartender turning out to be an old friend from high school isn’t nearly as good as it sounds. Free cocktails = hangover. Every time.

After some much needed Sunday morning R&R, we were off to the in-laws for a Halloween bash and some time with my niece and nephews. It was fun watching them bob for apples and turn themselves into mummies with toilet paper.

Also, I am SO proud of myself – not a single piece of candy and not a single dessert has crossed my lips during any of these festivities! It is working too. 2.5lbs lost as of my Friday weigh in – back down to 186. Quite a bit more to go, but it is progress!

Since this month is Thanksgiving, that is exactly what I will be focusing on – giving thanks. Taking time out of each day to be grateful for all that I have in my life. Even with all that we’ve been through, I am a pretty lucky girl.

***sorry to those that saw the half-post. Somehow the last half disappeared! Monday is in full swing already...***

How do you stop comparing?

How do you stop comparing yourself to where you could be?
How do you stop seeing other women achieve milestones and think of what could have been? That it should be you? Not in place of them, but you too.
How do you stop looking at the calendar and imagine where your life could be right now? How not only could you know the gender of your child right now, but that by now this could have been the gender of your second child.
How do you see your friends, the people you love, go on with their lives and leave you behind? Again.
How do you celebrate with them when you don't even feel like you can look them in the eye? For two reasons, you're not sure that you can handle to see them smile in person, and you don't want to steal that smile away because they feel sorry for you.
How do you keep other peoples joy from from stealing your breath?

How do you stop comparing at all? It's stealing my attempts to find joy.

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.

::headdeskrepeat::

That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.

A gorgeous fall day

Today was a beautiful fall day in the Northwest.

This morning as I was running around and getting ready for work, I managed to get a roast in the crockpot. When we got home this afternoon, after that roast had been cooking for 11 hours, our house smelled like heaven! I nuked some baby red potatoes and carrots for a few minutes and added them to the crockpot as well.

Then off we went! We snagged the dogs, my camera, and hit the trail. We have a great, paved, trail near out house and we love it on days like today. It was great to spend good time with Jeremy, get some fresh air after a frustrating and busy day in the office, and get a bit of exercise with the pups.

Nothing quite beats coming home to a warm house filled with the smell of a tasty roast. Now, it's time to relax, snuggle up, and watch Sons of Anarchy. All in all, it was a damn good day.

A quick rundown of the roast recipe I created, for those interested!

In a ziplock bag, mix well- 1/4 cup flour, dash of thyme, pepper, 1/2 t garlic powder, 1/4t onion powder
Add the roast to the bag and coat
Brown roast on all sides
In the crockpot add 1cup beef broth, 1/4 water, 1 can cream of mushroom, a few dashes of Worcestershire sauce - mix and add the roast
Sprinkle top with onion soup mix
Cook for at least 5-6 hours - all day is obviously best!
For the last 1-1.5 hours add your potatoes of choice and baby carrots

I don't do much measuring and I improve a LOT. In fact, this time I added a bay leaf when I added the veggies.

Not so mildly obsessed.

Can we please take a moment to discuss the new love in my life?

Pinterest.

I have developed a mild obsession with this website. I have my Mrs.S account as well as another personal account (hit me up if you want to follow that one) and Oh Em Gee we have a problem. I have started numerous phrases with, "I found this cool ____..." and Jeremy already knows where it came from.

My boss came in my office about two weeks ago and said, "You will never guess what I discovered, it is the most awesome website." My response? "Please tell me you're talking about Pinterest." She was!! We squealed like idiots and compared pins for the next 5 minutes.

This website is a planners dream. As you can see I started my Mrs. S (himplusme) account when I was still with Sprout. But still, when I need a few minutes to slip into baby-planning obsession I have my resource. When I hear one of my gal pals suggest something baby-related that she absolutely could not live without - you bet your ass I'm pinning it. What a great way to keep track of the things you love, ideas you have, and just general awesomeness??

I'm sorry to interrupt your daily goings-on with this moment of Pinterest love, but it had to be done. If you don't know what Pinterest is... well... I'm sorry. Feel free to email me and I'll invite you, cause you're missing out.

Warning: Pinterest is know to cause hours of the day to simply go missing.

Friends

I have probably said 1000 times here how I have the best friends in all of the universe. Some live just a block away, and others are all across the country. Some I've know since before I could walk and others I've never met in person before. Some are women, others are men, and their ages range pretty dramatically.

I've never been one to have too many close girl friends. I had my close circle (3) in highschool and my other closest friends were guys. I've always had a hard time dealing with the drama that unfortunately accompanies most female personalities. Needless to say, I've chosen my girlfriends very carefully. If you consider yourself one of my close friends (you'll know who you are), just know that you passed a very rigorous test. ;)

It's one of the great perks of blogging and communicating with an online society - if they drive you crazy you just get to delete them from your reader!! I get to be picky with who I communicate with and have found so many awesome women that I may not have met otherwise!

Jeremy and I had an entire conversation about this last night when we were on our way to meet up with some friends. Another friend of ours is pretty newly single. He's starting to date again and sweet baby Jesus in a manger has he already met some serious crazies. Like, multiple cats, couldn't see her floors, car filled with junk, lets get serious on the first date kind of crazy. I feel for him and do not envy his situation. His searching for a mate has had one excellent side affect for me - J is extremely appreciative of me and our relationship. It has been an excellent, and constant, reminder that he hit the jackpot! (Modesty is clearly one of my finer traits.)

Back to last nights conversation. He said that he knew very early on that I was the girl for him because of the people I chose to affiliate with. Three of my closest friends in the world were guys. That can be nerve-wracking to a new boyfriend. It's like he had to meet my three big brothers. But after that initial anxiety he quickly saw that I could hang with the fellas without being one of them. I wasn't scratching myself in sweatpants, but could follow a sporting event. I could also take crap as easily as I could deal it out. His words - "You weren't crazy, over emotional, and too sensitive."

All of this to say, it really made me feel good to hear him affirm that 10 years later he still loves and appreciates these things about me. That even with all that we've been through he doesn't find me crazy, over-emotional (clearly love is BLIND! lol), and too sensitive. That our relationship is strong enough for him to hear me hug one of my best friends on his birthday, tell him that I love him, and not bat an eye. Shoot, more than likely J would jump on us and say, "I love you too, man!"

My friends have succeeded in not just being there for me, cheering on from the sidelines, but have helped to make my relationship even stronger. They're our family. They know us better than anyone and love us despite our faults.

So, when I say I have the best friends in the universe, I know it to be fact. And I'm okay if you need to take a moment to be jealous. I don't often get to have that experience. ;)

New Look

What do you think? It is certainly simpler than I had before, but I woke up feeling like I needed a freshening up! I'm only mildly obsessed with the chevron pattern and the combination of gray and green (or gray and anything...).

I'd love to get your feedback! I still have a few more changes I would like to make. There will be more pictures coming soon, I hope. lol

Is there anything you'd like to see?

However, I am done for today. It is a gloomy fall day here in the Pacific Northwest. I am going to snuggle with my husband, make stew for dinner, and read a good book. The rest of my chores can wait until tomorrow.

Welcome to October ICLW!

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

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Changing a Habit

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit. After another disappointing visit to the scale last night, I have dedicated myself to making a change.

Clearly my grandiose – eat nothing but food that is good for you and work out every day – plans are not cutting it. So, instead I’m starting small. I’ve developed a poor habit of eating junk food. Especially at work I have a hard time with all of the potlucks, birthday celebrations, etc. Yesterday I got home and realized I had eaten:

1. Skittles – AKA my favorite candy in the universe

2. Chocolate Cake – thank you bridal shower

3. Cookies – not just one, but three

Stop the madness! I wasn’t bingeing or anything crazy, but I was being complacent.

For the next 22 days I am giving up treats. Candy and desserts are a no-no until I leave for San Diego. Today I packed my go-to healthy munchies – bell peppers in a light Italian dressing. Tonight I am packing up anything in my fridge/pantry and making J eat it for dinner. (only kidding!) I am going to pack up what I can and donate it or send it to work with him. I need it out of my house. We’re talking sugar detox people!

Are there any small habits you can change? Would you like to join me on my 22 day trek out of Charlie’s Chocolate Factory?

woulda coulda shoulda.

I would be 20 weeks this week.
I would presumably be half way through my pregnancy.
I could be sporting a cute baby bump and not only bloated from the weekends festivities.
I would more than likely know the gender if our child.
I should be shopping and planning a nursery.
I would be researching my birth plan.
I could be buying maternity dresses and flats.
I should be feeling my baby's first kicks and sharing these moments with my husband.

My life should be changing. Instead I feel stuck. I'm frustrated and sad. Trapped in this groundhogs day pattern. Wake up, work, gym, don't lose weight despite the 4 days you spend there, dinner, chores, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.

My life coulda, woulda, shoulda been different.

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Please help my friend.

My friend ADS lost her twins at 20weeks yesterday. Michael and Alena joined this world too soon. This world was not prepared to handle the beauty of these two sweet babes. ADS and her husband fought long and hard for their children. They were conceived late last spring (just before Sprout) through IVF.

Please take a moment to visit her blog and leave her some love. She can use all that we can give her today. As many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. There is no better way to show our support than through encouraging words and thoughtful prayers.

We have seen entirely too much of this. Too many families broken, children lost, and dreams shattered. My heart aches for ADS today and for all of the other women who have suffered a loss. Life is simply not fair.

ADS, I hope that Michael and Alena are sitting in heaven with Sprout. Laughing, loving, and looking out for those that love them.

Out of Gas

After three years of TTC, what more is there to talk about? This is where I am struggling lately. I'm not pregnant anymore, we're not seeing a doctor just yet... so what is there to say on a fertility related blog?

I'm working a ton, too busy to do much relaxing, and mostly just getting through each day. I'm happy to feel ready to conceive again (as ready as you ever can be, especially following a loss), I constantly at war with losing weight, but these are all things I feel like I've belabored to death around here.

Is there anything you're curious about? I am trying to convince J to talk about his perspective more - is there anything you'd like to hear from the man that puts up with me every day?

I miss writing and communicating with you all more frequently - I'd love a good push!

Dreams (again)

We've talked about my baby related dreams before and I always find a little comfort in them. Last night was no different.

The whole theme of the dream was a little stressful - we were running from someone/something. It was one of those dreams where the setting changed/morphed from time to time. We were at some sort of challenge (think Warrior Dash or a race) and then we were on top of a train and being chased by men on horses.

Why would I take comfort in that?

Because I had a little boy. He was blond (like both of his parents when they were little) and probably about 2-3 years old (coincidence?). When we were at the race, he was running around naked until I caught him, tickled him, and wrestled his clothes back on. (my mom had to do this for me a time or two when I was a wee one....) On the train it was evening, we were with a group of people and others with children, and the kids were winding down. That was my favorite part. I was sitting down crossed-legged and my little boy was sitting in my lap dozing. My head rested on top of his, smelling his hair.

I can still feel that feeling. That heart swelling, sigh of happiness, warm and fuzzy feeling. We may have missed the boat this month, but I'm happy to feel ready to pursue that dream again.

MIssed Opportunity

It's been a busy week - recovering from the plague and attending a conference for work. Jeremy also left for his Mancation yesterday. As of Thursday - no possitive OPK.

So, of course I was thrilled (insert sarcasm) yesterday when I had slight twinges/cramping and copious amounts of CM. I didn't even use an OPK because J is gone.

I'm a little bummed our timing didn't work out, but what's a girl to do? It certainly isn't how we wanted to get back in the swing of things. I will just have to work to put it out of my mind and continue to focus on my weight loss (my never-ending consolation prize).

Poorly timed flu bug

What does a trying-to-conceive girl need mid-cycle on their first cycle since a miscarriage?

The flu.

I woke up Saturday morning with an awful bug. Said bug had me running to the restroom about every 15-30 minutes. Occassionally holding a bucket (which thankfully I never needed!). I just got worse as the day went on and by yesterday evening I had a fever and the chills. And what does a girl with a fever need more than getting up a few minutes to sprint to the potty?

Not one of my finest days.

I've basically only eaten a small sleeve of crackers, a granola bar, and a Gatorade in the last 36 hours. I cannot fathom giving my guts any more ammo. But hey, I suppose the thin silver lining is the nice leap my weight loss took. Today's weekly weigh-in was 183.7. I'm not saying it was worth it, but I'll take it.

My OPK's finally came in the mail today, so should things test out, J is just going to have to take one for the team. Romantic, right?? ;)

Such is the life of a girl in search of a babe.

Aren't you glad you stopped by today?