Ugh.
J was sick a couple weeks back, our friends have had it, something is going around work, and this whole time I've managed to avoid The Sickness. Eating pretty well, drinking tons of water, washing my hands all the time, etc. I've been good!
Yesterday morning I did something I haven't done... ever? I slept through my damn alarm. Thankfully little miss Lacey is on a schedule and she needed to go potty, so I only missed about 20minutes of my morning routine. I figured I just felt crappy because I jolted out of bed and instantly started running around. With J's help, I got out the door on time.
I was wrong.
I got to work and got worse as the morning progressed. Tightening in my throat, sore all over, chills, etc. I finally cried uncle and left halfway through the day. I got home and barely left the sofa until J got home. I could barely sit up without my head aching. No bueno.
Until my dog decided to throw up in the middle of the living room.
Scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet when you've got a splitting headache and a fever is not my idea of a good time.
This morning I was feeling a little better. Less feverish, but still completely wiped. My body hurts. I have slept a ton. My mom texted to check on me and I told her that I thought I was on the mend. HA! I should have knocked on wood. I've started feeling hot and the aches are getting worse. Neither are as bad as the constriction in my throat. It isn't so much scratchy, but it feels swollen and closed up. Very uncomfortable to say the least.
I'm at the point that I can't really sleep much anymore. Can I just say that daytime TV sucks?? I'm hoping to be a bit better tomorrow and not suffer through the 5+ days that J and our friends did. Fingers are crossed! Until then, I'm off to try and take another nap.
I did do one productive thing today - made our appointment with Seattle Reproductive Medicine. J and I chatted and decided that after our trip, we're ready to head back to the doc. I feel good about the "break" we've had, but it's time to get back to work. June 10th!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Rage
I'm not proud of my emotional response, but this place has been all about honesty, so I'm letting it all hang out there...
Another Facebook pregnancy announcement was made today. Instead of my usual sad sigh, I was livid. Why her? I've know K for about 10 years. She's annoying, flaky, immature, and irresponsible. She is also obese and has chronic health problems. (She once had the hots for my husband...) Her and her husband have not even been married a year and she is due this fall. That means they can't have been trying long at all.
Why her? Mostly, why her and not me??
My face got red.
My heart started to race.
My jaw was clenched.
I was angry. Pissed.
I wanted to put my fist through something.
This isn't the first announcement I've seen on Facebook. Why did hers solicit such a harsh emotional response?
Why did that child choose her and not us? Maybe because she doesn't sit around saying awful things about other people?? (do you love how I can have this conversation all by myself?)
What did I do wrong? My weight isn't that bad, not as bad as hers. I have a great, strong, time-tested relationship. We're financially stable and responsible with our money. Fun. We give back. Loyal to our family and friends. WHY?
Just a few of the many questions I have. Many questions I will never have answers to.
I would like to formally ban pregnancy announcements on Facebook. At least until I get to make one of my own.
I know that none of these thoughts are particularly nice of me. In fact, they're pretty ugly. I also understand that sharing these thoughts could make me come off like a judgy bitch. Selfish. Hateful. Unfair. I would apologize, but I'm not perfect. I just hope I can learn from these moments and be better next time.
Another Facebook pregnancy announcement was made today. Instead of my usual sad sigh, I was livid. Why her? I've know K for about 10 years. She's annoying, flaky, immature, and irresponsible. She is also obese and has chronic health problems. (She once had the hots for my husband...) Her and her husband have not even been married a year and she is due this fall. That means they can't have been trying long at all.
Why her? Mostly, why her and not me??
My face got red.
My heart started to race.
My jaw was clenched.
I was angry. Pissed.
I wanted to put my fist through something.
This isn't the first announcement I've seen on Facebook. Why did hers solicit such a harsh emotional response?
Why did that child choose her and not us? Maybe because she doesn't sit around saying awful things about other people?? (do you love how I can have this conversation all by myself?)
What did I do wrong? My weight isn't that bad, not as bad as hers. I have a great, strong, time-tested relationship. We're financially stable and responsible with our money. Fun. We give back. Loyal to our family and friends. WHY?
Just a few of the many questions I have. Many questions I will never have answers to.
I would like to formally ban pregnancy announcements on Facebook. At least until I get to make one of my own.
I know that none of these thoughts are particularly nice of me. In fact, they're pretty ugly. I also understand that sharing these thoughts could make me come off like a judgy bitch. Selfish. Hateful. Unfair. I would apologize, but I'm not perfect. I just hope I can learn from these moments and be better next time.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
A mind/body conflict?
Yesterday a coworker brought in her two week old baby girl for a visit. We all got to snuggle with her chubby cheeks and dark curly hair. She was absolutely beautiful.
My department is made up of all women. So the crowd around this child was made up of about 12 of us. Two of my coworkers are about my age and were talking opening about how this sweet little girl was giving them baby fever. I didn't participate. Don't get me wrong, I talked to her sweet face, brushed her soft skin with my fingers, patted her diapered butt... but I didn't talk to the larger group of women about how my stomach ached.
I never have.
I've never been a young newlywed at a baby shower that talked about her baby fever. I felt it, sure, but I never verbalized that feeling. Does that mean I always knew? Is it possible that while I wasn't conscious of it, deep down somewhere I knew that all of this would happen? Why could I never talk about the baby I wanted us to have? The answer to why, yesterday, I couldn't say out loud to a group of women I enjoy that this baby makes me want one of my own? That is a little easier to understand than why I couldn't say it three years ago.
Did my mind already know my body wasn't going to behave?
Why did I deny myself that naive statement before I had a reason to believe there was a reason to? Because it was never about not feeling it, or not wanting to say it. It feels more about not drawing attention to my desire to have a baby. But, why?
The only thing I know for sure is that it is more of thoughts like these that I will probably never have the answer to. Maybe my mind did know before it decided to clue me in. Perhaps that knowledge was in the 90% of our brain that we don't use? Who knows, but something I think we all know is that the universe can be a little weird like that.
My department is made up of all women. So the crowd around this child was made up of about 12 of us. Two of my coworkers are about my age and were talking opening about how this sweet little girl was giving them baby fever. I didn't participate. Don't get me wrong, I talked to her sweet face, brushed her soft skin with my fingers, patted her diapered butt... but I didn't talk to the larger group of women about how my stomach ached.
I never have.
I've never been a young newlywed at a baby shower that talked about her baby fever. I felt it, sure, but I never verbalized that feeling. Does that mean I always knew? Is it possible that while I wasn't conscious of it, deep down somewhere I knew that all of this would happen? Why could I never talk about the baby I wanted us to have? The answer to why, yesterday, I couldn't say out loud to a group of women I enjoy that this baby makes me want one of my own? That is a little easier to understand than why I couldn't say it three years ago.
Did my mind already know my body wasn't going to behave?
Why did I deny myself that naive statement before I had a reason to believe there was a reason to? Because it was never about not feeling it, or not wanting to say it. It feels more about not drawing attention to my desire to have a baby. But, why?
The only thing I know for sure is that it is more of thoughts like these that I will probably never have the answer to. Maybe my mind did know before it decided to clue me in. Perhaps that knowledge was in the 90% of our brain that we don't use? Who knows, but something I think we all know is that the universe can be a little weird like that.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Featuring: Me!
When Nancy, from The Fertility Blogs reached out and told me I was selected to be their featured blog of the week, I was honored! I have found a lot of great blogs and expanded my communittee through their blog. To be included as one of their features is flattering.
________
Our featured blog this week is Him Plus Me = Three, a great personal blog by Mrs S. She shares with us her life on her journey to Motherhood. We love the honesty she shares about herself.
We asked her several questions for this post:
What has going through infertility taught you about yourself?
Our struggle with infertility has taught me a number of things. First and foremost is that I need to practice my patience. Everything about this process is a wait. [continue...]
Thank you to Nancy for reaching out and giving me the opportunity. And, thank you to everyone who stops by here on a regular basis. Your support means a lot to me.
________
Our featured blog this week is Him Plus Me = Three, a great personal blog by Mrs S. She shares with us her life on her journey to Motherhood. We love the honesty she shares about herself.
We asked her several questions for this post:
What has going through infertility taught you about yourself?
Our struggle with infertility has taught me a number of things. First and foremost is that I need to practice my patience. Everything about this process is a wait. [continue...]
Thank you to Nancy for reaching out and giving me the opportunity. And, thank you to everyone who stops by here on a regular basis. Your support means a lot to me.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A List
AKA - A Thought Dump or I'm Not Offended if You Skip This Mess
1. Yesterday I was in a funk. Probably as a result of some of the other items to come.
2. I'm thinking about going back to school. For What? Do I really have the time? Am I crazy? Why do I always have to bite off more than I can chew? Business? Photography?
3. I cannot get off the fence with this baby making business. Do I go back to the doc and start the process all over? Do I keep on going au naturale? Will the weight I lost help? Should I give acupuncture-only more time?
4. J's car isn't totalled after all. $8700 in damage and they're fixing it. Not only do I bust J's car into a billion pieces, but the lady with out insurance company gets him excited about car shopping and then takes that away from him too. I'm back to feeling like a jerk for the whole mess.
5. J's 30th birthday is around the corner and his friend and I have coordinated on what we're calling Mission: J's Badass Birthday Surprise. It's great. And on the off chance that sneaky squirrel pops in here - no details! He did ask me last Thanksgiving, "Why do we only eat this meal once a year?!" So, we're having Thanksgiving again for his birthday dinner! He's thrilled and that makes me happy.
6. It snowed today. I live near Seattle. That is not normal. Or welcome.
7. I want to run away to a tropical island and never return (See #6)
8. My life-long friend had her baby yesterday. I spoke earlier this year about her shower. Another moment where the tears were both for her happiness and the health of her sweet boy, as well as our pain.
9. I get my stitch out today. (See: Moley Post)
10. I cheated and went to the gym twice so far this week. I've been feeling fine and only did the elliptical. I did manage to maintain that whole time!
11. I survived my first week with the new job. I'm loving it so far! I felt so stuck in my old role and now I feel like there is all of this opportunity for growth, learning, and advancement. It is very exciting! (And a little daunting too for us folks who like to bite of more than we can chew. Practicing my patience!)
12. Being the newbie is hard. I am used to my job being second nature and I'm back to feeling a bit incompetent. I know it will pass, but those awkward moments are tough.
13. Old news now, but my sister scared the bejebus out of my mom for April Fools. My mom leaves the house for work before the sun comes up. She hates going to her car in the dark (it's only in the driveway, she's a wimp - like me). Well, she hit the button to unlock the car and, as always, the lights come on. When they did, it lit up a giant Jason picture my sister had placed in her window. She said that she about shit and has since been plotting her revenge. I died laughing at her message.
14. Today marks 40 days until our trip. It is next month.
15. I would like a nap.
The End.
1. Yesterday I was in a funk. Probably as a result of some of the other items to come.
2. I'm thinking about going back to school. For What? Do I really have the time? Am I crazy? Why do I always have to bite off more than I can chew? Business? Photography?
3. I cannot get off the fence with this baby making business. Do I go back to the doc and start the process all over? Do I keep on going au naturale? Will the weight I lost help? Should I give acupuncture-only more time?
4. J's car isn't totalled after all. $8700 in damage and they're fixing it. Not only do I bust J's car into a billion pieces, but the lady with out insurance company gets him excited about car shopping and then takes that away from him too. I'm back to feeling like a jerk for the whole mess.
5. J's 30th birthday is around the corner and his friend and I have coordinated on what we're calling Mission: J's Badass Birthday Surprise. It's great. And on the off chance that sneaky squirrel pops in here - no details! He did ask me last Thanksgiving, "Why do we only eat this meal once a year?!" So, we're having Thanksgiving again for his birthday dinner! He's thrilled and that makes me happy.
6. It snowed today. I live near Seattle. That is not normal. Or welcome.
7. I want to run away to a tropical island and never return (See #6)
8. My life-long friend had her baby yesterday. I spoke earlier this year about her shower. Another moment where the tears were both for her happiness and the health of her sweet boy, as well as our pain.
9. I get my stitch out today. (See: Moley Post)
10. I cheated and went to the gym twice so far this week. I've been feeling fine and only did the elliptical. I did manage to maintain that whole time!
11. I survived my first week with the new job. I'm loving it so far! I felt so stuck in my old role and now I feel like there is all of this opportunity for growth, learning, and advancement. It is very exciting! (And a little daunting too for us folks who like to bite of more than we can chew. Practicing my patience!)
12. Being the newbie is hard. I am used to my job being second nature and I'm back to feeling a bit incompetent. I know it will pass, but those awkward moments are tough.
13. Old news now, but my sister scared the bejebus out of my mom for April Fools. My mom leaves the house for work before the sun comes up. She hates going to her car in the dark (it's only in the driveway, she's a wimp - like me). Well, she hit the button to unlock the car and, as always, the lights come on. When they did, it lit up a giant Jason picture my sister had placed in her window. She said that she about shit and has since been plotting her revenge. I died laughing at her message.
14. Today marks 40 days until our trip. It is next month.
15. I would like a nap.
The End.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
So I continue to dig.
For me, losing weight has been like an archaeological dig. The more of my excess weight I shovel away, the more of myself I uncover.
Looking back at old pictures of myself is really hard. It hurts and sometimes it's really embarrassing. Instantly I think of being insecure and my outside being a reflection of the inside. What must people have thought of me? That I was letting myself slip? That I disrespected myself enough to harm my body and health?
I'm ashamed I let it get that far.
I knew that I was overweight, but that 'obese' label never really hit home until now. When they say hindsight is 20/20, they aren't kidding.
I am enjoying finding the new true me, so I will continue to dig.
**I'm sorry that I've been pretty MIA the last week. Life and the new job are keeping me going at 1,000 mph! I'm checking in as often as I'm able. Updates on the accident and life are coming soon. Life happens, right?**
Looking back at old pictures of myself is really hard. It hurts and sometimes it's really embarrassing. Instantly I think of being insecure and my outside being a reflection of the inside. What must people have thought of me? That I was letting myself slip? That I disrespected myself enough to harm my body and health?
I'm ashamed I let it get that far.
I knew that I was overweight, but that 'obese' label never really hit home until now. When they say hindsight is 20/20, they aren't kidding.
I am enjoying finding the new true me, so I will continue to dig.
**I'm sorry that I've been pretty MIA the last week. Life and the new job are keeping me going at 1,000 mph! I'm checking in as often as I'm able. Updates on the accident and life are coming soon. Life happens, right?**
Friday, April 1, 2011
In the Mail!
For those of you that emailed me your addresses, I have put your bracelets in the mail. They mailed out on Wednesday, so you should start to see them any day now!
I apologize in advance, they're nothing fancy. (Just establishing some expectations here! Lol) But, they are meant to be simple. I hope that you enjoy your bracelet. I also hope that if the opportunity presents itself that you will pay it forward. And should you have the opportunity to come across another bracelet wearing woman, that you at least share a knowing glance to let her know you understand.
Thank you to all who participated. I am still overjoyed with the number of responses I received. I appreciate each and every one of you. Who knows, maybe I will do it again in a few months. If you decide to do the same on your own blog, please let me know. I would love to drop by your blog and show you some extra love.
Happy Friday!
I apologize in advance, they're nothing fancy. (Just establishing some expectations here! Lol) But, they are meant to be simple. I hope that you enjoy your bracelet. I also hope that if the opportunity presents itself that you will pay it forward. And should you have the opportunity to come across another bracelet wearing woman, that you at least share a knowing glance to let her know you understand.
Thank you to all who participated. I am still overjoyed with the number of responses I received. I appreciate each and every one of you. Who knows, maybe I will do it again in a few months. If you decide to do the same on your own blog, please let me know. I would love to drop by your blog and show you some extra love.
Happy Friday!
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