Yesterday a coworker brought in her two week old baby girl for a visit. We all got to snuggle with her chubby cheeks and dark curly hair. She was absolutely beautiful.
My department is made up of all women. So the crowd around this child was made up of about 12 of us. Two of my coworkers are about my age and were talking opening about how this sweet little girl was giving them baby fever. I didn't participate. Don't get me wrong, I talked to her sweet face, brushed her soft skin with my fingers, patted her diapered butt... but I didn't talk to the larger group of women about how my stomach ached.
I never have.
I've never been a young newlywed at a baby shower that talked about her baby fever. I felt it, sure, but I never verbalized that feeling. Does that mean I always knew? Is it possible that while I wasn't conscious of it, deep down somewhere I knew that all of this would happen? Why could I never talk about the baby I wanted us to have? The answer to why, yesterday, I couldn't say out loud to a group of women I enjoy that this baby makes me want one of my own? That is a little easier to understand than why I couldn't say it three years ago.
Did my mind already know my body wasn't going to behave?
Why did I deny myself that naive statement before I had a reason to believe there was a reason to? Because it was never about not feeling it, or not wanting to say it. It feels more about not drawing attention to my desire to have a baby. But, why?
The only thing I know for sure is that it is more of thoughts like these that I will probably never have the answer to. Maybe my mind did know before it decided to clue me in. Perhaps that knowledge was in the 90% of our brain that we don't use? Who knows, but something I think we all know is that the universe can be a little weird like that.
I understand that completely. For some reason, I never really said those words either. Before. I just didn't talk about it too much. I think there must be some kind of subconcious thing that kicks in without us being aware to protect us 'just in case'.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't alone.
MissC
Hm... an interesting post. I've never said that out loud either. Weird. I'd never thought about it!
ReplyDeleteI kind of relate it to when people ask me if I have kids. Sometimes I say yes, but that they were born prematurely and passed away. Sometimes I say no. It's all about self preservation. How far do you want to go into the story? How much information do you want to divulge? How many questions do you want to and are you willing to answer?
ReplyDeleteI hear what you're saying. I am the opposite though. I talked openly about how badly I wanted us to have a baby and how much I couldn't wait. I even went as far as to tell my closest friends when we thought we'd start trying... now, I feel like on some level I am being punished for flaunting about acting like I could have a baby whenever I wished.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit of both- I definitely talked about wanting them, but I always felt like we'd have problems. It was part of the reason I was ready to true so soon into marriage. It's crazy how sometimes we can just feel it when something's off.
ReplyDelete