I'm not proud of my emotional response, but this place has been all about honesty, so I'm letting it all hang out there...
Another Facebook pregnancy announcement was made today. Instead of my usual sad sigh, I was livid. Why her? I've know K for about 10 years. She's annoying, flaky, immature, and irresponsible. She is also obese and has chronic health problems. (She once had the hots for my husband...) Her and her husband have not even been married a year and she is due this fall. That means they can't have been trying long at all.
Why her? Mostly, why her and not me??
My face got red.
My heart started to race.
My jaw was clenched.
I was angry. Pissed.
I wanted to put my fist through something.
This isn't the first announcement I've seen on Facebook. Why did hers solicit such a harsh emotional response?
Why did that child choose her and not us? Maybe because she doesn't sit around saying awful things about other people?? (do you love how I can have this conversation all by myself?)
What did I do wrong? My weight isn't that bad, not as bad as hers. I have a great, strong, time-tested relationship. We're financially stable and responsible with our money. Fun. We give back. Loyal to our family and friends. WHY?
Just a few of the many questions I have. Many questions I will never have answers to.
I would like to formally ban pregnancy announcements on Facebook. At least until I get to make one of my own.
I know that none of these thoughts are particularly nice of me. In fact, they're pretty ugly. I also understand that sharing these thoughts could make me come off like a judgy bitch. Selfish. Hateful. Unfair. I would apologize, but I'm not perfect. I just hope I can learn from these moments and be better next time.
I have the EXACT same feelings when I see Facebook announcements. Especially when it's a girl that has no job, no car, no money, lives at home with mommy and daddy, and couldn't make an adult decision if her life depended on it.
ReplyDeleteIt's just not fair!
I'm sorry you're having these feelings too!
*Hugs*
Dude. I'm telling you. Baseball bat, tennis racquet, baton... and a bed. Hell, even pillows. You don't hurt anyone and it feels great getting the anger out. I'm sure a punching bag would feel good, too.
ReplyDeleteNo worries! You're allowed to talk to yourself and you're allowed to be upset. Sorry you're having a bad day. Sending hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteJoey
http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com
Don't feel bad for a second! I know that I have certainly had the same response (and probably worse) to pregnancy announcements. It's okay to be mad. Infertility is just so very unfair. Oh, and I second the punching bag idea... I think I need to invest in one : ).
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad for the rage. I used to be the same way and sometimes I still am. I struggled with announcing on facebook - in fact I never formally announced that I was expecting because I didn't want someone else to suffer the way I did. The truth is "unworthy" people get what we want all the time, and it sucks mooseballs. You're not judgy and hateful and all that - You're normal :-) I pray for you and your future baby daily!!
ReplyDelete::giggles at mooseballs::
ReplyDeleteJ vetoed the bat and bed idea (former softball player here), so there was a tantrum and fists instead. And the gym helped. I feel better.
We all have those moments of jealousy and even rage - just keep reminding yourself of this:
ReplyDeleteHER BFP IS NOT THE CAUSE OF YOUR BFN.
Hang in there Mrs. S...
Sorry love. Boy do I get it. That's why I don't really get on Facebook much anymore. I just can't handle seeing everyone else's amazing news while I am in the midst of forking over tens of thousands on IVF.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are normal and not to be shamed of. I know it sucks feeling the way you do, (cause I feel that way too) but it too shall pass. ;)
MissC
Don't feel bad at all - we've all been there. Plus, this is your blog, it's your place to let it all out!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That part of IF never gets easier (some announcements still get to me... even though that probably makes no logical sense). I'm sorry you are hurting, but I have to say the pp that commented that 'her bfp is not the cause of your bfn' is great way to look at things! It's hard not to make that connection, whether consciously or not.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you guys and that you'll get to make your own announcement very soon!
been there, done that. Don't feel guilty for it. For me it was a friend of a friend announcing a second pregnancy at 37 after smoking and drinking during her first one and still giving birth to a healthy baby. These people suck. feel free to hate them. I'm right there with you.
ReplyDelete